[HonestlyLying]

I just wanted to drop by for help. I am seriously messed up physically. I ate a donut 3 days ago and ate one egg/day before that X 2 months. Prior to that I was heavily restricting.

I feel a fatigue that I've never felt before. I've been to E.R. twice over the past week. I need some help or I'm gonna end up dead. Any suggestions?

[gayleggg]

Hi HonestlyLying. Please search for a therapist that deals with Anorexia. There is help. I know, I have been there and am currently struggling to learn to eat properly again. It takes a lot of support, so get a therapist and be honest, unlike me who hid it for years.

Wishing you the best.

[phénix_zzz]

I agree with gayleggg there. A specialist that understands anorexia would be very, very helpful. And maybe a doctor that gets it as well? It can be dangerous to work on re-feeding without medical support, let alone tackling the thoughts that make it so hard to eat. Do you have a nutritionist by chance? That can be a good place to start as well.

[eskielover]

The bottom line however is that you can have all the wonderful professional help in the world....but if YOU still refuse to eat....there is nothing they can do to force you other than like the one pdoc in the hospital was going to do to me....put my on a hold & force me to have the feeding tube/IV nutrition through the central line. That being only a temporary fix to the problem....it doesn't solve the not eating

Bottom line is that YOU are the one that has to choose to eat.....professionals can only reason with you with facts you already know....but YOU are the one that has to do the work & has to make the changes no one can do that for you.

[HonestlyLying]

Thank you for replies.

gaylegg- I do need a therapist that knows about anorexia/bulimia. I am trying extremely hard to begin eating w/o purging. My current therapist is clueless and that's not good for me. I can lie to her except my body is telling on me anyway.

phenix_zzz- I ate 3 small meals over the past week. I know it can be dangerous to re-feed w/o the support of a nutritionist and or physician that is well versed in anorexia and the re-feeding process. The anorexic voices are constantly telling me I'm not worth feeding. Ana is so strong but I have to change in order to live. Something that doesn't seem real is the mortality rate for anorexics. It's difficult to comprehend that this could lead to my death. I'm in denial as if I'm invincible.

eskielover- I just had that conversation with the Chief Resident of the Johns Hopkins emergency department. It actually made sense hearing that I'm the only one that can bring about change. She cited my previous eating disorder unit treatment and my subsequent relapses. She specifically said what you said. No one can force me to change. I have to want to change.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom based on your own experience. It seems like there is no one else that knows what I'm going through, until now. I don't know how to live like this any longer. I can't live with it and I can't live w/o it. It's no wonder suicide is so common among us anorexics.

[Fallindown]

I too am seriously f'ed up from not eating. I hope we can get to our goal weight alive.

[Buttercup40]

Hi there honestly lying,
Reading your post, I so understand.
I've been battling Anorexia for almost 20 years and in between I've recovered but relapsed several times.
Everyday is a battle - I too suffer from depression, and I struggle daily to do the simple things.
That ongoing voice in your head telling me I'm a waste of space doesn't help.
I suffered physical and verbal abuse from my family growing up and I'm the black sheep of the family.
I have tried to forgive them but it's so hard to when I can't forget the past. I have recurring dreams/nightmares about my childhood now.

[Fallindown]

Buttercup 40-

I think you brought up something I left out. I have PTSD from my pre-teen and adolescent days. The abuse is the source of the anorexia. No doubt but I refuse to see a T to rehash the horrors.

[AstridLovelight]

Are you doing any better, honestlylying?

I'm in much the same boat. I was in recovery for a while, but have relapsed hard in the past month or so. I haven't eaten today, and don't plan to, and haven't really had much in the past week or so.

I recently moved back in with my family and that has been a major, major trigger for me. Right now not eating feels like just about the only thing I have any control over. I just want to be invisible and just fade away.

I want to want to change, though, if that makes any sense.

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by phénix_zzz

It can be dangerous to work on re-feeding without medical support, let alone tackling the thoughts that make it so hard to eat. .

This highlights a very, very good point. I went through re-feeding alone, and it was the single... most... dumbest thing I've ever done. I know, looking back, I am lucky to have made it out alive. But I also managed to use the emergency room in severe cases. Of which there were some.

How are you doing now? I realize this thread is a couple months old. I do hope you've sought treatment and are doing better. Can you update us?

[HonestlyLying]

OK Bronzeowl here's the update. I am back at a "normal" weight due to 3 hospitalizations since my post. They were for being suicidal and I couldn't get out w/o eating normally. Now I just feel like using cocaine to drop the weight again. Probably not the best idea but the weight HAS TO GO.

[bronzeowl]

I wish I had some advice, but I'm currently struggling myself. I do want you to know that I read your update, and I do hope for the best for you. You're right in thinking it's not the best idea. I hope you can find a treatment plan that works for you.