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#1
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I had a bad upbringing, there was a lot of rejection and emotional/physical abuse. My dad is a psychopath who has been in and out of prison and my mum is an alcoholic. When i was younger my mum used to kick me out the house a lot, so i lived in the woods. This is when i first remember doing bad things, such as stealing food from neighbors, and furniture from dump sites. I also used to steal money from my mother. Throughout school, i was often bullied because i was a loner. I got into a lot of trouble for fighting, general rudeness and stealing. I used to have a very bad temper and used to have a lot of violent outbursts - I was sent to a psychiatrist to have anger management classes. Nothing ever came of them.
Teenage years haven't gone much better, i've been in constant trouble. I don't have a criminal record, but i've been close many times. I don't particularly want one either. I'll admit to having a drinking problem, i'm an obsessive thinker, it feels like i'm thinking about 100 things at once; constantly evaluating people and reading them, so drinking is my way of slowing myself.The last 4 years i've failed college 4 times, and have been living with my grandma, sister, and mother. So now you know a little about me - I'll go onto the "symptoms". I have stolen in the past, from people close to me, as well as from other sources. I haven't really done anything else which would be classed as illegal i don't think. This isn't anything bad, it's perfectly natural. On the other hand, helping people has no buzz, so i don't see why people bother doing it. I do lie a lot, though strangely most of the time i don't do it consciously. It all seems to come naturally to me now, i do it without even thinking about it. I constantly devise plans to trick people, or test people. I like to see what people will believe, and when they fall for my lies or i get them to do something. It makes me feel great and powerful. I often pretend to be depressed and shy - I've learnt that a lot of people are sympathetic towards me if i do, which allows me to get special treatment. Strangely it also makes people trust you more, which is fun. I've also told college that i have Aspergers Syndrome, I even act out the symptoms, such as lack of eye contact to enforce the lie. My mum is involved with another sociopath, (Not my dad). She is such an easy target, she's upper class, very paranoid and obsessive, and most importantly VERY desperate for companionship. It's like the perfect target for a sociopath. Her boyfriend is obviously using her, she's blind do it to all. I've got him kicked out of her house at least, but they are still together. I'm not sure if i should do anything else. Maybe my mum needs a harsh lesson to stop being so needy and leaving herself vulnerable. One the other hand, he's a douche - And i would love to see him burn to the ground. I guess i care a little? I have one good friend, He is a lot like me. Appears to me emotionally cold, and incredibly narcissistic. Recently, since we have been getting on so well, i decided to test his sympathy and see if he was caring. So i told him that i was kicked out my house and would have to quit college because i was homeless. I was fishing to see if he would invite me over and offer comfort. Turns out he did, which means he does care .. Which means i'm all alone. - I do feel very lonely sometimes. I'm not particularly violent anymore, my nasty streak seems to have mellowed, although i could be classed as a bit sadistic, but i only normally do malicious things when they are provoked. I haven't been in a fight for ages, although i often have strong urges to ..... people. I'm not going to be silly - I don't want to go to prison. When it comes to love and compassion, I do feel something. I don't know how to describe what i feel, but it's a possessive love. It feels like they are mine, and i have influence in their lives, and i like that thought. It's like your pride possessions, like a fancy car or an awesome PC. You don't want them damaged or to lose them, but when you do it's not the end of the world. Regarding sexual promiscuity which is apparently a common symptom - I'm non-sexual, never had any sexual attractions! ![]() I don't think i care about anyone, i've shut off a lot of people out of my life, and never cared about not seeing them again. When people close to me die, although disappointing - It doesn't bother me. Was getting long, honestly i could have written 100x more than this .. Just love writing my thoughts. Thanks to anyone who read this, and to anyone who answers. I'll answer any questions. Last edited by wanttoheal; May 20, 2011 at 12:27 PM. Reason: administrative edit and trigger added |
#2
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Wow, that was an interesting read. I have to applaud your candor. You seem to like and hate yourself in equal turn or at least that was I got from the post. I'm sorry you had such a bad upbringing. What your parents did to you was inexcusable. The lying and stealing you do is also inexcusable, but that's neither here nor there. You know it's wrong, but you don't really seem too bent out of shape about doing it. And, apparently, the only thing keeping you from doing anything worse is to keep yourself out of prison. Well, at least that's something.
I have to ask though, what are the reasons that brought you here to PC and inspired you to write such an illuminating and, quite frankly, disturbing post about yourself? Are you looking for a way to fill this void...this loneliness left by the friend you thought was exactly like you? Or were you just curious about the reaction you might garner? No offense, but how is it even possible for you to have a legitimate friendship without compassion, empathy, and trust? You say at the end of your post that "you don't care about anyone", and yet you seem to sort of mourn the perceived loss of this friend and you seem to care at least a little bit about your mother. Of course this may be part of this possessive love you spoke of. They have their uses to you and so you care about them in the limited way you can. Finding out this friend of yours actually did "care"...did this somehow make him less useful to you?
__________________
"I reject your reality and substitute my own." -Adam Savage |
#3
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@ deadmau5: I have a male friend very close to me who also has a lot of sociopathic qualities, as do I, & we have a very close relationship. Even though we may operate very differently than most, it can be relieving to have someone you can talk to about your thoughts & habits. It is a great confidence boost! Though I can't say I understand how him offering to give you a place to stay in your time of need would mean you are alone... It seems you still yearn for companionship & you would have extended your hand if he were in that position, at least a little bit, am I right? And one can be asexual & still have this disorder. Some people simply don't have sexual urges while sexuality can be seen as counterproductive to others in terms of stds & pregnancy.
@ painttheroses: "I have to ask though, what are the reasons that brought you here to PC and inspired you to write such an illuminating and, quite frankly, disturbing post about yourself? Are you looking for a way to fill this void...this loneliness left by the friend you thought was exactly like you? Or were you just curious about the reaction you might garner?" I wonder the same thing, personally. In order to admit to one's wrongs implies either being proud of them or feeling the need to cleanse themselves of their misdeeds, which usually implies regret of some sort. |
#4
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Hiya; I had such a good reply to this intially, but it took me so long to reply that the site timed out on me, erased everything when I went to submit it; so I'm trying to remember all of what I said yesturday...but holy crap yo just wanted to thank you for posting-your a really good writer and this provides insight for me too. I had a lot of ferver from my last response, and it sucks that it likely will not have the same quality as last time, but I'll do my best because you deserve some credit fer realz.
Quote:
Take care yo-keep track of where your anger is-not because society says so, but because YOU want better for yourself. -obj |
#5
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Quote:
I reject your reality and substitute my own." -Adam Savage that may be the problem? That was aggressive. But I feel it yo, no one wants to give them a chance, but no one EVER gave them a chance. Nobody knows their reality. This just proves we absolutly HAVE TO WORK THROUGH our stuff so others don't pay for our mistakes and then make the next generation pay as well. I do hope you keep posting-I feel if you do we may uncover where the animosity is coming from. |
#6
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One of the first things that caught my eye was you said your father is a psychopath but later you referred to him as a sociopath. There is a difference between the two, so has your father been evaluated for either of them? Sociopathy can be a mix of mental illnesses, so there is no clear formal symptom list. This begs the question, what are the list of symptoms you are using to self-diagnose?
I'm curious how you described the way you "tested" your friend. His reaction does not necessarily mean he has sympathy toward you. For example, pretending he is a sociopath, if he has you with him, then potentially more can be accomplished. On the other hand, you mentioned you "test" people by pretending to be sad and desperate to eventually exploit them. This is unusual though because you refused to exploit your friend for no other reason than compassion. Since you said you feel powerful when someone falls for your lies, what do you feel when someone does not fall for your lies? Do you feel the opposite, weak, sad, vulnerable, etc...? This also leads to another important question, are you testing the people here on these forums to see how sympathetic they will be? |
#7
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Which leads to another important question, are there people here testing whether there are others here testing what others are testing?
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#8
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Let's hope not, or those people have way too much free time on their hands.
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#9
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rang a few bells for me, i know someone who only cares for their children in terms of possession. ''Thats MY son''. But gives that child no real love , will emotional abuse the child without hesitation.
But thats HIS son! |
#10
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We're probably being tested to see how much free time we have on our hands to respond to such banality, hahaha.
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#11
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Had a buddy read my responses....got a few apologies most definitley;
I'm trapped in a recreation of my own and took anger out wrongly....especially in the form of assuming a shitload. My own ability to handle anger makes me nervous about my ability to handle countertransference, and hold anothers anger. Something to work on. So here's some of where I went wrong: You say at the end of your post that "you don't care about anyone", and yet you seem to sort of mourn the perceived loss of this friend and you seem to care at least a little bit about your mother. "Is it not CRAZY that he cares about his mom? How can one show care when never shown, and.....his mom was so neglectful! Kicking him out into the woods? I feel maybe you had something abusive happen to you as well and it may be triggering you; most of the time that is how peeps overlook messed up **** as "the norm.' " So the truth is you were not necessarily triggered, but I sure was! Projection big time lol. Part of the assumption issue to here. I'm sorry. And as my friend pointed out, I'm attacking anyone person who I "precieve" to be giving up on antisocials with anger from all past issues....so you are recieving way more aggression from me than was ever even warrented. I also was made aware as how condecending I can come off, and am-so I'm tryin to work on that in myself too. Overall though, I wanted to apologize, because you did make valid points and I jumped the gun before I saw how the person you directed your comment at reacted. Further more it was wrong for me to pick on your quote/signature...the subsistuting your reality for my own...that again, was actually my problem, so wanted to acknowledge that for you too if you're still reading this. I've gotta learn the importance of other perspectives other than my own. Sorry bout that painttheroses88; Take care, -obj |
#12
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The term sociopath is often used to describe a person with little or no concern for others and a lack of guilt or remorse for her actions. In the past, these people have also been described as psychopaths or a person with a psychopathic personality. Sociopaths are now generally described as people suffering from an antisocial personality disorder
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