[smithson123]

I'm quite interested in AsPD and as I've been reading about it, I've noticed that most people believe that those with AsPD can't feel love at all. I've also come across people with AsPD who say they can care about others and love them but in a different way.

Their description of love is more about seeing people they care about as possessions or how useful someone is to them and they won't tolerate anyone hurting them due to this. It comes across as a selfish kind of love that benefits them in some way.

I define love as being willing to make sacrifices for someone else and putting their needs ahead of yours because you want them to be happy, even if it doesn't benefit you in any way.

I'd say that this is what most people view as true love but how does your version of love differ from this?

It usually is selfish love. However, I don't know many normals who could honestly say they'd simply allow their significant other to elope with some attractive stranger because they "just want him/her to be happy." Altruism only goes so far.

I do make sacrifices for my family, but that results from a logical understanding that successful relationships require personal sacrifices, not from any sort of profound emotion.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

my husband says he believes love is a conscience decision, and has nothing to do with emotion. basically what I get from our conversations is that he chooses to "love" me and my family because the consequences of ruining the relationships would be unwanted and make him miserable. He also "cares" enough for me that he doesn't wish me unhappiness much like you wouldn't want that precious sentimental item to be broken. I feel true love is something most people don't get to experience. I can not get him to understand it because it's like describing color to someone who has never seen. I believe it's a mix of a deeper level of emotion, a conscience decision, and a sacrifice of yourself of ALWAYS putting the other person first. now I do also believe that in order to do that you have to keep yourself healthy and happy. so it sort of goes both ways. I do think with love you're well beings are entwined.

[JadeAmethyst]

I agree with Michael D. "altruism only goes so far."
Do you respect each other, value each other, like each other, as people? Taking and receiving?

[JackMS]

I honestly couldn't say what I think love is. I know that what is mine is mine and I don't want what is mine to be harmed. However, I never do feel that I really care about my "love" though. She can be hurt, in any way, and I just rather get to what I'm doing. I guess I would think love is the longing for someone and to want to constantly be in their presence and to make them happy. That would be a condition to have someone acting he way they do when they are in love. I've seen it. Anyway, I digress... Making sacrifices would only be done if it benefited yourself. It is pointless and borderline retarded to put someone else's wants/needs before yours. Love is, to everyone, a different entity. Why should it matter what I think it should be as opposed to what you think it should be?

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Originally Posted by JackMS

Anyway, I digress... Making sacrifices would only be done if it benefited yourself. It is pointless and borderline retarded to put someone else's wants/needs before yours. Love is, to everyone, a different entity. Why should it matter what I think it should be as opposed to what you think it should be?

you make me laugh . I see your point that it's retarded. The reason sacrifice is involved is not because of benefits to life, but benefits to emotions and what that person would consider happiness. Because of the unique emotion involved with love, they feel they can't be happy unless the person they love is safe, healthy, and happy. In some ways it is retarded. when it works, that's ok. Like I've told my husband many times; there are so many people in this world that would give anything to not have those emotions like you don't. I think you answered your own question as well. It matters because it is different for everyone. And because of it's strange and intense nature people get hung up over it. It took me, who takes love very seriously, quite a while to come to terms with my husband not being the same way. I think most people are like that. and as I said before, you can't describe color to a blind a man.

[CleverlyDisguised]

Love is an act, not a feeling. People think sentiment, feelings, excitement, OCD are love.
Love isnt any of those.

Love is shown in acts, by making a cup of tea for someone, giving them a hand if they fall down. There is nofeeling involved in doing these acts, they are just normal actions, decisions and following through. Paying for your childs clothes, education. Helping with homework. Fixing flat tires, doing the dishes. Feeding animals, making sure their water is topped up.

Anybody can learn to do these thingsfor other people, for critters. Even Psychopaths can do acts of love.

That is my version of love. There is no affective response or motive, these things need doing, I do them.

Originally Posted by smithson123

I define love as being willing to make sacrifices for someone else and putting their needs ahead of yours because you want them to be happy, even if it doesn't benefit you in any way.

I'd say that this is what most people view as true love but how does your version of love differ from this?

I don't know what Aspd is. However, I am like you in thinking love is "making sacrifices for someone, putting their needs ahead of your own". My love revolves around feelings. If I love you and make a sacrifice for you that results in your being happy, then that makes me happy. I see it as somewhat selfish too. I am getting my needs met. After years of self sacrifice though, I need someone to love me in return. I need someone to be happy for Me! I need to receive the feeling of love too! Without receiving it for so long, my soil dries up and I become dead inside. When I have love in my life, it's easy to spread love to others and not care whether they return it or not. But when you have given of yourself over and over again only to be hurt by others, the love well can run dry.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Originally Posted by CleverlyDisguised

Love is an act, not a feeling. People think sentiment, feelings, excitement, OCD are love.
Love isnt any of those.

Love is shown in acts, by making a cup of tea for someone, giving them a hand if they fall down. There is nofeeling involved in doing these acts.

Anybody can learn to do these thingsfor other people, for critters. Even Psychopaths can do acts of love.

That is my version of love. There is no affective response or motive, these things need doing, I do them.

exactly the difference of between a sociopath and someone else. you said love is shown by acts. Love is based on feeling for most. And just because someone shows loving acts, doesn't mean they love you. And people mistaking sentiment and excitement for love is why I think most people don't get to experience the real thing. Why I think it goes deeper and is so complex. Simplified, a mix of conscience decision, emotion, and sacrifice. Most people have no idea what it is because they only think of it as superficial feelings and base it on what they see in new couples who are caught up in lust, excitement, pheromones, and euphoria. People see a couple like that and think that's what to expect with love. Completely different.

[CleverlyDisguised]

Just because someone has a lot of feelings and thoughts about you doesnt mean they love you. You have to be shown. A lot of talk is ********, a lot of sex is bull too.

Doing acts of love isnt exciting, but regularly and consistantly done
these acts make the other person feel loved. What more do you want? Can you measure emotion? NO. Can you measure sentiment? No.

If someone says a lot of nice things but once every couple of years cuffs you, are you loved? No.

Love is an act, things have to be done. Feelings mean nothing.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Originally Posted by CleverlyDisguised

Just because someone has a lot of feelings and thoughts about you doesnt mean they love you. You have to be shown. A lot of talk is ********, a lot of sex is bull too.

Doing acts of love isnt exciting, but regularly and consistantly done
these acts make the other person feel loved. What more do you want? Can you measure emotion? NO. Can you measure sentiment? No.

If someone says a lot of nice things but once every couple of years cuffs you, are you loved? No.

Love is an act, things have to be done. Feelings mean nothing.

I agree, to a point. Definitely doing that when there are no feelings involved is a great act of love. But I was not saying that love is all about emotion and feelings. I was saying it is a mixture. I think they go hand in hand, just like a car and a driver. acts being the driver; independently stable, working, useful. feelings being the car; independently useless and maybe even in the way, but with the driver provides faster, easier, more efficient method of getting around and is a personal improvement. I feel that my husband "loves" me even though there are no emotions on his part, however, that is a lot more likely to change in a minute versus on my part. I do agree love is different for sociopaths. but love to everyone else, is too complex to say it's an emotion. or it's a decision. or it's an act. or it's whatever. It is not one single thing. And I commend any person who doesn't "love" someone, but takes the effort to care for them and make them happy. That can be a great deal harder for some than what most see as love.

[AfterTheHunter]

Originally Posted by CleverlyDisguised

Love is an act, things have to be done. Feelings mean nothing.

I disagree. For me, love is based entirely on feelings. These feelings is what makes you want to do anything to see your partner happy. So, the feelings come first. For me the feelings ARE love. Without these feelings, I wouldn't want to do things for a partner, even if it would benefit me somehow (getting attention/love back, etc.)

[JackMS]

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

you make me laugh . I see your point that it's retarded. The reason sacrifice is involved is not because of benefits to life, but benefits to emotions and what that person would consider happiness. Because of the unique emotion involved with love, they feel they can't be happy unless the person they love is safe, healthy, and happy. In some ways it is retarded. when it works, that's ok. Like I've told my husband many times; there are so many people in this world that would give anything to not have those emotions like you don't. I think you answered your own question as well. It matters because it is different for everyone. And because of it's strange and intense nature people get hung up over it. It took me, who takes love very seriously, quite a while to come to terms with my husband not being the same way. I think most people are like that. and as I said before, you can't describe color to a blind a man.

Glad you got some enjoyment.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Originally Posted by JackMS

Glad you got some enjoyment.

I hope that wasn't sarcasm because I do find it delightful when people speak their mind and are not unwilling to say controversial things. I was not laughing at you or your opinion. I enjoy the honest brazen comments and they are rare I also laughed at the irony and that I agree

[Demon]

Originally Posted by smithson123

I'm quite interested in AsPD and as I've been reading about it, I've noticed that most people believe that those with AsPD can't feel love at all. I've also come across people with AsPD who say they can care about others and love them but in a different way.

Their description of love is more about seeing people they care about as possessions or how useful someone is to them and they won't tolerate anyone hurting them due to this. It comes across as a selfish kind of love that benefits them in some way.

I define love as being willing to make sacrifices for someone else and putting their needs ahead of yours because you want them to be happy, even if it doesn't benefit you in any way.

I'd say that this is what most people view as true love but how does your version of love differ from this?

I've never felt love, nor have I ever bonded with anyone. I'm not sure why that is. I've never felt a desire to feel love and I don't particularly care to bond with people. I never experienced the bonding that is supposed to happen between mother and child. My mother feels more like a stranger or acquaintance to me than anything else.

I don't feel love for my own child either. I'm not sure if that's because I'm incapable of feeling love for her or because, being raised in an abusive environment made me afraid to feel love, for fear that it may turn on me in some way. The only thing I really know about love is that it makes people vulnerable.

To me, people aren't really something to be loved or bonded with. They are more like toys or objects that either have use or no use. If they are useful, then they're as good as slaves. If they're useless, they may as well be dead for all I care.

I do care about my daughter a little differently though, and the reason for that difference is because she's a part of me, an extension of myself. Though, if I was to be completely honest, I would say that what I feel for her isn't much different to how I feel about every other possession in my house. She's my property. I own her.

[jeppys]

i can see by reading that this is quite tricky. i was in love once, or at least my interpretation of it. it wasn't that way in the beginning. these feelings build over time through actions, sharing, listening and understanding. now my doctor would say that i was projecting myself onto my boyfriend and being in love with myself. i made sacrifices but they were in order to keep that connection tended so that i could get more of what i desired. the relationship lasted for a little more than a year and there was only one time a disagreement occurred. i killed it's escalation with an iron fist and it never happened again. most would say that there is something wrong with that. but if you give someone everything they could ever need or want the result is a perfect orchestration and the closest approximation to being in love.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I'm curious as to why you ended it? If you don't mind telling

[hachimenroppi]

Personally I believe that love is quite like giving and taking, sometimes like a mutual relationship of benefit. Or at least, like this: When one gives someone something, usually they do it to see the other smile or so on so forth, which makes they themselves feel happy, therefore it is for personal benefit. The concept of selfishness is everywhere and in everything, even love, I believe. I do love my parents, though sometimes I question whether it's for my own benefit and whether I truly am someone who just loves for myself, or whether love is an invisible force which prevails over all, which seems preposterous, in my opinion.

If I don't really make sense it's because my opinions are conflicted and overly complicated. I've spent too much time debating with myself on the matter.

[Mattmx]

To me, love is being with someone who can provide what you want, and you can do the same for them to keep them around and happy..