[jmo531]

I guess a little background is in order. I am 31, diagnosed with Depression, Panic Disorder and OCD. Last year (2004) was probably one of the worst years I have ever had and I have to admit that 2005 hasnt been so great either.
I went on FMLA leave from my job in December of 2004 due to the series of very bad events that took place in my life bother personally and professionaly. I guess I had reached the end of my rope, literaly. I even went so far as to try and commit myself but they wouldnt take me as I had no definitive plans to hurt myself of others. It was the most horrible thing I have ever been through. I couldnt get out of bed. When I did I felt like I was gonna pass out. I had no regualr sleep pattern. I was having monsterous intrusive thoughts and feeling that my life and my entire being was hopeless. The only thing that kept me going was my children and my love for them. Even at times that seemed to not be enough.

I went back to work on Feb 7, 2005. I pushed myself beyond my limits as I look back on it now. My T suggested part time but I, being the "strong" person pushed and pushed for Full time so I could feel like my old self. I actually did it for a while but it wasnt long before the hell had caught up with me once again. I took intermitten leave in April and This month I ran out of FMLA leave and that is pretty much where I am at now. I havent been to work in a week and I have already cited ADA protection at my job so they have requested documents from my T and Pdoc which will be ready sometime this week.

The whole situation is leaving me feeling a little worthless. A little liberated. A little torn. I am having such mixed emotions I feel like a mess. Does that make any sense? I have been working non stop pretty much my whole life. Raised my two oldest children alone until I remarried and had a third child with my current husband. Even then, I was the bread winner. I carrier the weight on my shoulders to make sure that my mortgage and every aspect of household bills were paid. To make sure the children have "cool" clothes. To make sure that financially we were ok. I have always had to do this. Not just in my adult hood but in my childhood as well. My parents were never there for me. Never. I wont go in to the particulars but even then, I could only count on myself to keep me safe. I am at a point now where I am done with it all. I am tired of carrying this weight on my shoulders alone. Tired of being the "adult", tired of being the only one responsible. Just plain old tired. I need me time. Time to be with me, to get to know me, to get to know my kids, my husband and experience life from a different view. One I have never experiences before. I feel liberated. But I feel like a loser at the same time. Like I am wrong for feeling or wanting to do this. I cant help it. My job is putting so much pressure on me and making me feel worse then I already do and its not making matters any better for me.

I saw my T today. We dicussed it. She said its not that your not able to work. She said that its a choice. Yes true, it is a choice but my track records shows that this particular job, stresses me and causes me so much anxiety that it is nearly impossible to stay there. Yes, perhaps another job somewhere else would be the answer. But not now. Now I need time for me. Everyday I struggle with self hatred, hopelessness but everyday I fight those same feeling because I do beleive that this is better tomorrows to come. I have to beleive. I cant accept that this is it. This is life and nothing better will come along. It just cant be.

Is it wrong for me to take time for me? Spend time with my family. Be with them, get to know them as I have been unable to do that working all these years. I have missed countless plays, field trips, school functions because I have always put my job first and for once, I dont want to anymore. I want to put my family first, me first, us first. I want that freedom. I want that option. I want that so badley. Why is it that I feel bad about it though. Who knows? Talking about it gives me some uneasyness inside. Like I just shouldnt even consider this. I guess you should know that by making the decision to stay home, my husband will have to get a second job during the day so we can make ends meet. He currently works nights as I was working days so one of us would always be here for the kids. Is it wrong for me to put him in the same position as I was in? Im lost and I need a little guidance and advice here. Any would be most appreciated. Maybe I am looking for reassurance in knowing that Im not selfish and I am doing the right thing. Thanks for listening to this long drawn out post.

[Myzen]

Hi jmo,

IMHO your body is telling you to take a break, and let some of the pressure go.

I don't know why we always feel so guilty for being ill, it makes no sense, but we do it to ourselves all the time.

It might take a little time, but I think things will work out for you. It's just about letting go of the crap and moving into a new part of our lives. It really can happen!

Good luck, Myzen

[Parker10]

I dont think u are being selfish at all. Sometimes us Mom's have to stop and realize that if we want to continue being Mom's, we have to take care of ourselves! Being unhealthy, whether physically or mentally, is not good for you - nor your family.

I hope your husband is up for a second job, and he will be able to handle the finances for awhile, so that you truly can "let it all go" and have a safe place to be. I think many many of us with panic disorder are really control freaks, and its so hard to let go of things we have managed, but sometimes, it is just time to step back and ask those around us to pick up what we had been doing, and GET BETTER ! I hope all this works out for you soon, and that you are soon feeling better!

You know how to reach me if u ever need or want too! Good luck Jen !

[wi_fighter]

I completely agree with Parker. You need this now, even if it doesn't feel right, right now.

(((((((((((Jen)))))))))))

your mind, heart and body needs a break. the children need you, too. please take this time for yourself and your family. you deserve it. xoxo pat

[nightdream]

I could tell you to not feel guilty about this but I understand your feeling of guiltiness. I have to find a job soon and I don't even know if I can hold one. But I feel guilty not to be able to support myself and help financially my children. I also have work all my life and I was the one who brought the most money in to pay for almost everything. This is the first time in my life that I really don't want to go to work. The first time that I feel like you do that I need time for myself.

If you can do this my friend, just do it.
Many hugs!
nightdream

[wisewoman]

Hmm, interesting discussion as I sit and ponder how long I can continue working without a crash and burn. I too have taken time for fmla, last year 6 weeks for me and this year two weeks for hubby. I worry that if I stop working I will get more like a hermot and be unhealthy, need disability. I worry that if I keep working there will be nothing left of me. Don't know what to tell you. There is a piece of me that wants to tell you to fight the employer, you still have value. Can you take short term disability? I have always been the one to pay the bills here. Not well, but the mortgage and stuff is paid directly. Hubby has been underemployed and now disabled. I share your wondering, incidently, I am way older and my kids are almost all grown. When can I have my nervous breakdown?

[jmo531]

Thank all of you for your replies. I appreciate all the views I have received from everyone.
I guess it all comes down to that feeling of needing to be taken care of. To feel like I am part of this family. To be in touch with my children and know what is going on with them. To have time for me. Is this so bad? I dont think so. I have worked hard my whole life. I have never asked anyone for help because I was never gonna be let down. This goes back to my childhood. I have pondered what I need to do. I know what I want to do. I need more time to think I guess. Thank you all. Each of you are very special to me and I value your input immensly (sp).
Love to all of you.