:(

Horrible weekend. Something has to give. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make things happen.

If I were to ask myself if I'd like to spend the weekend unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes, jumping from one thing to another and accomplishing nothing; and alternately eating food that isn't good for me, will make me fatter and hating myself for looking and feeling the way I do; and hating myself for having moved myself away from friends and family; and looking back over my life and seeing what a wasted it was, and is, and that there is no future.. I would answer myself "No thanks". Yet that is my weekend most of the time.
Being out with or among people just feels even more isolated.
The end of the weekend and thinking about the start of the work week brings more anxiousness and despair.
My energy is zapped. I think it is because I see no value in my life. I am way behind and will never catch up.
I left what I loved and will never be able to get back.

Why can't you move back where your family and friends are??

I feel similar after my divorce and I don't know where to start either. I see no value in my life either. Nothing means anything.

Everything seems pointless.

But things have to change, right? somehow?

((((Echoes))))

((((((((Echoes))))))))))
I've had weekends like that.... they're so sad, and really difficult to overcome. I don't know if it would help, but if you have a nice area nearby you might try taking a meandering walk next time you start feeling that way? Just get yourself outside in the open air by yourself and relax a little. Granted, sometimes that is much easier said than done, and sometimes even leaving one's house feels like climbing a mountain, but it might be a start. I truly hope things look up soon!

Had the same kinda weekend--then at 3am woke after fitful little sleep---checked in here

and low and behold---someone had sent me the most wonderful pm!!!
I cried and smiled---somebody cared about me!!! Miracles happen!!! (((echoes)))

Hope your feeling better Echos. Possibly going back to work today will put you back on the right track. At work you have to act as if you feel okay, and after a while you start feeling better because you have to change your focus. Like Stranger2, I wonder if you could consider moving back to your family and friends. I realize it would be a big deal to move again and leave your current job, but maybe if you considered it as a possibility sometime in the future it would make you feel better right now.

Hello, ECHOES. Hope you find a spark that lights a flame to bring to life the good things the weekend holds.

I just wanted to say Thank You to all who responded.
Yes, maybe someday I could move back. If I could just visit, even. It's been 7 years.
Working on having a better life here too.
Mostly, though, my struggles are internal. Those internal storms that amaze me in the fact that they aren't visible. They are so intense.
But they begin... and they end.

I do distract when I can, but sometimes I can't. I am too distraught.
Work does help as a distraction and I am beginning to feel that it is a safe place, a place where I do have some safe and validating relationships. On the flip side, work can be a trigger when it seems like I have more to do than time to do it. I often just want to give the job back; managing is not for me.

One trigger was signing a lease, comitting to staying here, in this place and in this apartment, for another 13 months. So I am serving my sentence until June 1st of next year. I don't like not having the freedom to move if I feel like it. Trapped.
But.. I can start planning for next year. Find where I do want to live.

Recent medical bills to take care of are making me feel discouraged. But that too has begun and will end (when they are paid off).

I am a pessimist. In therapy last night, my therapist was telling me about a local private college that might have some classes, and has an annual book/meet the author event. She was excited We had also been talking about getting hopes up and having them, or afraid they will be, dashed. We also had touched on beating yourself up and what that serves. So after talking excitedly about this college, she started reeling in the enthusiasm, trying not to make what she was talking about sound more than what it is.
When I noticed, I told her "You don't have to put any negative spin on it. I'll do that later. " We had a good long laugh. It feels so good to laugh with her.

((((Echoes)))) Sounds like you have a good T who can really relate to you.
I can see where having to sign a lease would be upsetting. I would feel trapped too.
Always feel like I need an exit plan. I know that's weird but that's how I feel.

Into each rain some life must fall.

Do you get up so early every weekday? I got up early, for me, today, 7:00. I opened the bedroom blinds and it was a dazzling morning (sliding glass window/balcony face northeast and over the water). So, here I am, downstairs in the "corner" of my living room where I can't see out or get any natural light. Why do we do that to ourselves?

Perna, yes I am a very early riser. I get up on work days at 4:30. I like to have time for me in the morning On the weekend, 6:30 is sleeping in.

Why do we put ourselves in the darkness. Metaphorically, I think we are "proving" that things are as bleak as we delcare them to be in our thoughts.

I notice I feel so much better when I have time off and have a lot of natural light during the day. I have a parking lot view and would love to have a lake to look at