[Rapunzel]

I have never liked to think of myself as having anxiety, so I really just never thought of myself that way. Recently I have been recognizing that I am just plain generally afraid of anything and everything and anyone. I push through it, and it doesn't usually stop me from trying things, but it does affect my performance. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety several years ago, but my primary diagnosis was Depession, so I ignored the other, pretty much. I looked it up on the internet at some point and found that it definitely did describe me. I also realized that I was in a therapy group once that was treating social anxiety, although I didn't realize it at the time. Still, I never felt like I had any claim to having an anxiety disorder.

Then T asked me to identify a feeling, and I figured it as nervousness, but guessed she would go for something more intense, like fear. She said fear was good, but she was thinking anxiety. I said that I never thought of anxiety applying to me. Apparently, I've been living in a constant state of anxiety for longer than I can remember, and I'm so used to it that I don't usually notice it. Since then, I've been noticing my anxiety, and that's not very comfortable at all.

My curent T seems to be not all that big on diagnosing. She said it doesn't really matter because the treatment is the same, but finally told me I have symptoms of PTSD, but probably don't qualify for that diagnosis, and that I can "take my pick" between Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, and Borderline, with Depression in there too. How's that for a mix? It feels like it's probably right, but it also feels uncomfortable, sometimes intensely so.

Nothing to fear but fear itself, huh?

i refused to accept my anxiety for years...don't feel like you're alone in this. it took forever for me to decide i needed to do something about it. i used to count from 100 backwards, trying to calm myself down. it usually didn't work. i'm glad you're going to work on it. believe me, it helps to admit that you have it. xooxx pat

[Rapunzel]

I hope it gets better. It was easier when I was just ignoring it. Apparently I have the ability to override my anxiety in a lot of situations (but not others). I can ignore my depession too - it's comfortable and familiar for me to be mildly to moderately depressed. I'm used to it, and I function pretty well there. With the anxiety, now that I know that it's there, I feel it more, and I worry that other people can see it.

Today was my first class for a master's in mental health counseling program. This first class is a requirement before being accepted to the program, and we're being evaluated on the skills that are needed to be a counselor. Some of these, like writing, I don't expect to be a problem for me, but it's also oral communication in front of the group, being videotaped, etc. I keep worrying that my anxiety shows too much and it will disqualify me. The professor already noticed that I am quiet and shy. In the second half of the class he commented that it was nice that I was being more vocal, which means he noticed I was not very vocal in the first half of the class.

One of the oral presentations is to be about why I want to be a counselor, and the ideal characteristics of a counselor, and how I compare to the ideal. There could not be a more difficult subject for me because I really question myself. I almost couldn't do it when T asked me to tell her why I thought I could be a psychologist. T will probably be very impressed with me if I actually make it through this class.

[CedarS]

Anxiety is stigmatized, as are many other mental health challenges. Our culture seems to hear that word as meaning weakness, silliness, being high strung, Nervous Nelly, foolish.

I just looked up the word anxiety, defined as worry, in the online thesaurus:

all-overs, angst, ants, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, cabin fever, care, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, doubt, downer, drag, dread, fidgets, flap, foreboding, fretfulness, fuss, goose bumps, heebie-jeebies, jitters, jumps, misery, misgiving, mistrust, nail-biter, needles, nervousness, panic, restlessness, shakes, shivers, solicitude, suffering, suspense, sweat, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness, watchfulness, willies, worriment

Many of those words seem to trivialize the experience. While the opposite sounds good and worthy:

calm, relaxation, security, strong

Even when I knew I had PTSD, hypervigilance and all, I did not think anxiety itself really applied to me. Seemed like something other folks had, not me. I had some dim picture in my mind about what I thought anxiety was.

Until I started reading more on anxiety and paying attention to my experience. Sometimes I've even found myself anxious about being anxious, that rarely happens now, my self help skills kick in to prevent that cycle.

Rapunzel, I can surely relate to all that feeling uncomfortable. I think time and experience and research helps. Being aware of what part of our cultural stigma you buy into and what you reject helps too.

Me, I think I need to invent a new word for my experience. Something that rings serious, deep, profound, painful, real. Other times it could be a word I can just shrug off......Oh, there that is again, I recognize it, know what it is, and I'm gonna do something else anyway.....type of word.


Sarah of the jittery flapping heebie-jeebie creeps

[Rapunzel]

That's a great idea! Let's change the word. Got any ideas what to change it to?

Why do I still feel like I really don't belong on this forum?

Rap

[CedarS]

No ideas yet on an alternative to the word anxiety that fits. For myself I've noticed that I tend to use other words to describe how I feel. "I am feeling anxious" can at times work, but not completely, and I really use that word more often when communicating with health care folks.

As for feeling like you don't belong in this forum, well.......if I played amateur armchair shrink for a moment......I'd ask if you are feeling like you don't belong in other parts of your life too. You could ask yourself also why you don't belong. Is this about worthiness, are you not feeling worthy of something?

Maybe it is okay that the word doesn't work for you, maybe you are being prodded to research more, maybe having someone firm up a diagnosis would help. Maybe you do have anxiety but it isn't quite yet time for you to focus on it. Maybe you fear something will happen if you accept it.

*Smile* Feel free to spank me if I am getting carried away here. Okay, something else to share, I have the same issue somewhat with the Dissociative forum, sometimes thinking that cause I don't have DID, but do have other forms of the disorder, namely depersonalization and derealization, that I really don't truly belong in the forum. Maybe I will be found out and exposed, ridiculed, told that I have betrayed the trust of the -real- people who belong there. Etc.

Yet, truly, I do know I am fine there and elsewhere. The issue of belonging and not belonging though is indeed huge for many of us.

You belong in this forum if you wanna. I can even formally welcome you.

Sarah

[CedarS]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My curent T seems to be not all that big on diagnosing. She said it doesn't really matter because the treatment is the same

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I just thought of something on this part. For me, it really did help to get a clear cut diagnosis. That way I could read up on it, learn new coping skills, organize my thoughts, and research. The PTSD part of my diagnosis came quickly, no one has ever had problems with that. Other parts, like the one time I was suddenly given a Borderline diagnosis by a Social Security psychologist reviewing my records (he had never even met me) was then changed by psychiatrists who actually worked with me. Every therapist I've had has also told me that I don't fit that diagnosis.

Also, I disagree that the treatment is all the same and therefore diagnosis doesn't matter. At least in my experience, there is a lot of overlap, yet each diagnosis does have unique facets also. Some things that work for one really don't work for another.

For instance, I can imagine that if I was in a deep gray depression, paying attention to my surroundings and responding might help a lot. I may need to get out and mix it up with people and events. Yet if I am in a heightened state of anxiety, I may need to remove some of my attention from my surroundings, and respond much much less.

Sarah

[Rapunzel]

Sarah, I really appreciate your feedback on this. I think that why I'm uncomfortable with the concept that anxiety applies to me is something I need to try to understand, and that's really why I posted here tonight. I'm working on coming to terms with that. Not belonging is also a huge theme for me overall. I have a hard time feeling like I can ever belong anywhere. This community overall has been one of the biggest exceptions. I do feel like I belong at PC.

I know that I do have anxiety, and I'm noticing when it affects me, and I know that it always has. The difference is being aware of it. Sometimes I have probably not really noticed that I was uncomfortable, and other times I just knew that I wanted to hide under a desk, but it was harder to figure out why. So this is probably a positive development because now I can work on dealing with the anxiety. Ignoring it and denying its existance might let me keep functioning even though I'm fearful about something, but actually being able to deal with it would be a lot better.

I have dissociative symptoms too. They help with avoiding anxiety, don't they? For some reason, I'm not particularly distressed by my dissociation. Dissociation is a normal and useful coping method unless it goes too far and causes trouble for you.

One reason, I think, why my therapists tend to not want to tell me diagnoses is that I tend to define myself by them, so that essentially assigns me a role to play and I'll play that role very well, but that's not what we want. I'm more comfortable with some than others. Depression, borderline, and dependent personality disorder don't phase me because they are right in line with my identity. Anxiety, on the other hand, is harder for me to accept because not only does it seem foreign to my identity, I associate it with several members of my family, and with traits or behaviors that they have that I don't admire at all. I don't want to be like them.

[wisewoman]

Hi Ladies, Okay, I know that I tend to use myself and my examples to show the humerous side of things. Well, I am a social worker, Have always been. I am instinctive and good at what I do for the most part. All of my life that I remember i have said I just want to be less afraid. Afraid of everything. PTSD stuff, hyperviggilence, but I identified so many years ago that one of my biggest goals was to become less afraid. It wasn't more then 1.5 to 2 years ago that I was in a session with T and suddenly realized that what I was feeling was anxiety. CONSTANTLY. Very strange. However, I am now less afraid in the world, less anxious. Still very anxious, but now less so.

I used to pace the house and haunt it and never knew that was anxiety. I used to not be able to sit down and never knew that was anxiety. I guess I didn't learn basic tools as a kid to KNOW I had feelings, let alone identify them. it was better to play dead.

Wendy, I think it's cool that you have discovered a name for a feeling. It really does help.

Sarah, I get so angry at the trash can diagnoses of Borderline because I feel like a lot of woman have been thrown there by error and the work for that is different then the work for PTSD or just plain anxiety.

Wendy, you can have features of PTSD without meeting the whole criteria. I have always thought of you in that way when I read your posts. Anyway, be well.

[Rapunzel]

WW, thanks for your comments and for understanding. So I'm not the only one who has just been used to being afraid of everything, and finally found out "so that's what anxiety is." LOL. Identifying my feelings is one of the hardest things I have to do. As a kid, people frequently told me that what I was feeling, or what I said I was feeling, was wrong. Now it's like I just can't be right about anything, but I have been getting better at that.

I definitely have some of the symptoms of PTSD also. I think the only thing missing there was being able to identify some significant trauma that continues to haunt. Now I might even have that too, but it's too soon to tell.

Be well WW.
Rap

[CedarS]

WW, I agree about the misuse of the Borderline diagnosis. One therapist even told me that it was one of the great scandals of his profession, how the diagnosis had been used as a trashcan.

This is a great discussion everyone. I know I have something to add about anxiety and emotions in general, but I don't seem to be awake enough yet. For now I'll keep reading and nodding agreement.

Sarah

[Quay]

Hi Rapunzel, You make me chuckle because you're so much like me. I have social anxiety and maybe generalized anxiety as well. I also want to get a masters in counseling. I'd really like a phd but I don't see how I could get there. Anyway, I have that same fear about trying to be a good counselor. Do I have what it takes, will I be able to talk when I need to? Can I get through the courses. I don't sign up until Tuesday, and I'm just hoping I can do this. The good news is that I talked to my T about it and he was telling me that he always hated to talk in class, and he still won't talk if he's in the audience at a symposium or something like that. He admits that he's kind of shy in a group of people. He's an excellent therapist as best I can tell, so I keep thinking that if he could get through it, then there's hope for me. Guess that means there's hope for you too!
Bet you get thru and be really wonderful because you know so much about this side of it.
Take care, Quay

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) Yes, that you can now feel safe enough to "FEEL" your anxiety, you can learn to "deal" with it, and lessen it. Probably in the past you weren't secure enough to even allow yourself to accept the anxiety. (It usually is part and parcel of depression.) Who wants to admit there's something that "scares" us??? And GAD... means you aren't even "sure" about what you fear!... because maybe it could be anything -or nothing.

Social anxiety is a little easier to "accept" maybe? ... in that whew! No telling what someone else will expect or ask or whatever for/with us! (Or what baggage they have etc.)

I'm just babbling here, I think. Overall, learning about ourselves, as you are doing, is a good thing. Taking control of the reigns and facing our shadows is tough, but worthwhile. You course is a tough one... and dissociation will not make it easy. It might take you longer, but once on the other side, you will be an asset to the profession, imo.

As for the class exercises lol try and remember we ALL went through that... take your time, breathe, THINK about what is obvious (most newbies miss that and go for the deep diagnoses) and simple, first. There are no trick questions, it's all part of life. Knowing the answer is not the real issue, if you ask me, but guiding the one through the maze to find it for themself, is. Sometimes, like with interpreting dream someone else's dream, our answer is not the true one... but what THEY feel it means.

Did I say anything you can use, Rap? I'm kinda out of it...

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}

Thanks. Yes, that helps. Just tell me that I'll get through this and not be stuck working 60 hours per week for next to nothing forever. I wish I were worth something. I wish I were good at something. I wish I could hibernate for a few years until it all comes together. Thanks for believing in me.

[Rapunzel]

Quay, you sound just like me! Down to a lot of details. I'd much rather go for a Ph.D. also, but right now that seems out of reach. Although maybe I'll apply for doctoral programs and transfer. We'll see. Then I would be away from home five days per week and only be able to come home on weekends, unless my family moves. Maybe they would, but they wouldn't like it.

I hope I wouldn't freeze up as a counselor like I do as a client, but I don't think I would, as it's easier to deal with other people's issues, and I would have to have mine pretty much dealt with by then anyway.

My T says she doesn't like speaking to large groups, yet she's great at teaching classes. She says she can do that because of her love for what she is teaching. I think I could do that too, but I need to work on my vocal qualities and confidence.

I bet you'll make it just fine too. We can always support and encouarage each other, right?

Rap

[Quay]

Hi Rapunzel,
I was away for a bit, then working too much, so I haven't had time to come back here. Thanks for your reply. I did get to sign up for my classes last week. They start next Thursday.
I wonder if my T is as unsure about me doing this as I am at times. I mean, I feel like this is really what I want to do, but when I start feeling overwhelmed over stuff I wonder how I'll manage to be the together one for my patients. They say progress is never smooth and it sure feels that way. It seems like I'll be just starting moving forward, then have a week of *&## for no apparent reason, and I'm back where I began. Ugh.......
Anyway, I'm definitely looking forward to starting classes. Hope I'll manage to talk in them.