Afraid to be better?

Does anyone ever get the feeling that they are afraid to be better?

I am starting to feel better very VERY slowly....it has been one year since the incident that triggered this...

I am so scared about what things are going to be like now for me...

<font color="purple"> Yes... This is all I have known. I am more afraid of healing and feeling "normal" or true joy, than I am of my illnesses. There is a security in the familiar, even if the familiar isn't healthy. I think it has a lot to do with feeling vulnerable, letting the guard down, learning to trust and such. Maybe even having to let go of that feeling that at any minute the ball is going to drop... Not sure I am making much sense here. Sorry if I am not. My thoughts tend to get all jumbled as they travel down from the brain.... But the answer yes...
Melinda </font>

My answer is yes, too. I end up sabotaging my therapy just when things seem to be going well. I guess I'm afraid of what there is in "normal". Also, I sometimes wonder if I even exist outside of my diagnoses, like this IS me, so what is left if they're gone. I know, it sounds "crazy", but what do you think I am?!
HUGS!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
complic8d said:
My answer is yes, too. I end up sabotaging my therapy just when things seem to be going well. I guess I'm afraid of what there is in "normal". Also, I sometimes wonder if I even exist outside of my diagnoses, like this IS me, so what is left if they're gone. I know, it sounds "crazy", but what do you think I am?!
HUGS!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> <font color="purple">You explained this well, Complic8d, thank you! </font>

Oh yeah! Like others have said, the way I have been is all that I can remember, and I'm not sure that there would be anything left if I let go of my psychopathology. I resist and drag my feet and fight, and I'm trying to stop doing that and cooperate with T. It's so hard though. Oops, I'm not supposed to use that excuse anymore.

What the future holds is very scary, but look at it this way; it's got to be better than the way things are now, right?

You'll make it. It takes time though, and you can only change as fast as you are able.

I feel more grounded...

But I have panic attacks...

I feel more "here"....do you know what I mean?

Like I am not stuck on what happened...

But I still wake up with a cloud over my head like what the heck happened...I want to go back to the day I went crazy after going to court...if only I hadn't walked in the door...

It's been so long it is rough...

I know what you mean. I often don't like to not feel pain. It's like I think there's something wrong if I'm not in pain. You wanna hear something funny? From as far back as I remember, I've always thought love was supposed to be painful...like good but painful. Everything I know is full of pain. Yeah, it's scary to start to even remotely get better.

I'm here for ya.

Yes, I made a blog post about this a couple months ago. You aren't alone in this feeling.

Yack, that sounds like you are making progress. Being more grounded sounds good. I've never had panic attacks, and probably wouldn't recognize it if I did, even, since I'm so used to chronic anxiety that I didn't even know that I had - and my primary dx these days is generalized anxiety disorder. I'm sure that it's very unpleasant and scary when you have a panic attack, but I also know that you can learn to manage them. It's good that you're not stuck on what happened, and understandable that sometimes all of those feelings can come back, even unclearly or vaguely. I bet that it's hard to let go of them, isn't it?

I can relate to your story quite a bit. I totally lost it after a court experience too. They really need to do a better job of preparing people for court, regardless of why they are there. It really can often be traumatic.