[Vibe]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this or even the right term. If anyone wishes to correct me or move this to a more appropriate forum, I'd be fine with that.

I guess my main problem with the term 'flashback' is that the things which are going through my head are not any conscious memories that I can even verify having. They feel like memories, and I can experience them as if they're happening. But... I can't be sure if they even happened in this life. If they did, it must have been when I was very little, but my folks have no recollection of them either (that they've told me about) so I don't know...

Anyways, I more get these 'images' in an episodic fashion. Something will trigger me and the thoughts and feelings will pop back into my mind again. Just waiting to overwhelm me. If I fall into them badly enough then I still technically on some level know who and where I am. But it really feels like I'm seeing and experiencing things from that point of view at the same time. Like being in two bodies at once, but those negative experiences are overwhelming me and as it gets worse, this reality gets blotted out more and more.

It's been awhile since I've had this happen, but the other night I got triggered again and they've been with me ever since. I can remember a cabin in the woods and a man. I remember lying on the ground and being petrified. I also know I couldn't get away and there was some sort of pain. There are other things, but I wonder if I'm making up certain aspects of it? Ya know, like my mind trying to fill in the gaps. Or if it's more symbolic imagery of what I'm feeling. I can never actually figure out what's going on though, because the closer my mind gets to it the more panicked I get. And I'm hardly coherent at all. I try to work with my boyfriend but I'm usually screaming and crying and just not 'with it' at all when things get bad.

I guess what I really want to know is what this is and what I should do about it? Should I force these thoughts and feelings away from me as much as possible, or explore them and see where they lead? Would that be feeding into it, or do I need to understand where this is coming from in order to get anywhere and make it really stop?

Also, I can feel a lot of my anxiety and depression welling up lately. At the very least it makes me more fragile and susceptible to these things. Do you think it might just be the side effect of a panic attack? Like my mind creating imagery to give my panicked feelings some substance? Or could it be a memory from my very young childhood that I've blocked out? I've had issues with dissociation too, and that's welling up more these days as well.

Sorry, I'm kinda scared and upset right now. I'm not sure what's happening to me.. or what I should do about it. And the older I get, the more I want to know. Has anybody else had any experiences like these? Any... I don't know... insight you guys could offer? I'd appreciate it.. Sorry that this is so incoherent and rambly. I'm feeling less stable these days.

[Yoda]

I don't know the source of these thoughts but they clearly are intrusive so perhaps talking about how they make you feel would help. If you want to talk to a therapist that would be great or you can talk to us here at PC. We may not be able to help here or perhaps you will find others with similar experiences or some insight.

What happens with your BF that sets off the screaming and crying? Is there another way you could handle it such as going to a different room and calming down before you and he continue talking?

[Vibe]

It's not usually something he does. It's just that he's always around in the evening and intrusive thoughts are more likely to hit me at night when I have fewer distractions. So he tries to calm me down.

And I feel terrified and sickened. Sometimes the feelings are more complex though... like a certain ambience? It's often grotesque and cruel. I also feel helpless. I'd say I feel alone, but that's not really right because it seems natural in that state to be alone. Like there's nobody else in the world so the thought would never enter your head to want help. Sometimes on the ground the thought enters my head that I'm dying, and that just feels cold. Like the world stopping. Sometimes my mind will go off on a tangent from it and I'll get weird thoughts and feelings that don't make sense. Like the idea of being trapped in a dead body as it decomposes for example. (Usually I dissociate heavily when these things happen and it can actually take me away from the images and feelings that I'm talking about here though). Other images will enter my head like a man raging and violent things being done. The ones that feel the most real have none of that attached to them though, which is why I wonder if my mind is also just making that stuff up. The strongest stuff involves the ambience and images of forest and cabins and woodpiles and things like that. The horror and terror and sickness remains throughout though.

Thanks for offering to talk. I do have a therapist but I have to work during the holiday season so much that I don't get a day off to see her for a few weeks. It's not going so smoothly. :/

[Yoda]

I have flashbacks and for awhile they were frequent and disturbing. I finally learned grounding. Basically it just means distracting your mind with something else. For me I would sit in my chair in the barn and look at my horse's calm eyes. Or you can touch a pet's fur or even a stuffed animal. Anything to get your mind off the intrusive thoughts onto something else.

[Vibe]

*nods* I do have some grounding techniques. Thank you. I guess part of my problem is that the whole thing has me wondering what on earth's going on with me. So as painful as it is, sometimes I'd rather just go through it and see if I can figure out what I'm seeing or remembering through it. Or if I can get a real clear sign that it is just a side effect of my other issues and nothing else. That's part of why it's so scary and confusing. I don't know what it is that I'm dealing with.

[Yoda]

Do you journal? I used to and it helped me recall what I had been thinking/feeling because I often would forget.

How long has this been going on with the flashback type thoughts you are having?

[Vibe]

I don't journal very much. Hard to stay on top of it. Really, it's hard to even tell what's going on with me until I look back at it. Right now I feel very blank when I don't feel horrible. I've actually been doing pretty well for a couple months, but the last month or two I've been slowly sliding downhill again.

The flashback stuff is more episodic I think. I'll go through phases where it's really intrusive and bothersome, then phases where those thoughts don't come out much at all. At the very least it's been going on since about high school though. So ten years maybe? Before that, as a kid, I'd get the same negative feelings and senses of ambiance; but it wasn't so concrete. I started having depression problems to an extreme a few years before the actual images started. Again, I was a pretty down kid though.