[matthew36]

hey my name is
Matthew.I have sruggled with depression and anxiety since 19 after a bad dream from and acid trip where a voice said "you're mine now matthew"after that i was to scared to sleep and had a nervous breakdown and i've never been the same .it was like the devil and people were screaming.I've had many psychotis episodes ,anxiety and depression. I am now 36 and people treat u different when youre eyes look crazy or you're always sad or nervous.because of this i'm scared to interact with people because i don't want them to know i'm mentally disturbed and make them nervous.i also use painkillers to try to kill the pain but it just makes things worse.i have only one friend and she uses drugs.i want to quit drugs but the social anxiety and depression still remaains.I;m so lonely.I want a girlfriend so bad but i'm to nervous to even go out to a bar or be able to meet someone.I'm so tired of living in this pain year after year.I want to kill myself but i'm afraid i could go to hell become a ghost or be stuck somewhere bad .i believe in god but don't feel his presense .ifeel that after my parents are dead i want be able to take care of myself.my depression is so bad i think of blowing my brains out in my car somewhere where as cops would find me and my parents wouldn't have to see me.my life is so painful.most people don't like me because of my attitude.i'm bitter that my life has been destroyed by depression.i feel like i'm a slave to drugs ,loneliness and depression.my friens dump me because they say i'm negative and want even return my calls.sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all.i want to die to end the pain but all nde's say it could be worse in the afterlife if u commit suicide.why would god make me and let me suffer so bad and then trow me in hell or not let me in heaven.i forsee nothing but pain in my life and i want it to end.

[lavieenrose]

Matthew, I'm glad that you're here. There are kind understanding people here. I've had depression and severe anxiety all my life. It's caused repeated failure in jobs and relationships. I understand the wondering "Why am I alive?" All I know for myself is there are moments when I get a break from pain enough to be there for someone else who's having a hard time. My life doesn't look normal to a lot of people. I often feel worthless. Now and then, I see something of value. I'm 20 years older than you, and still struggling since childhood with depression and anxiety. I also see people with lots of friends, with spouses, and feel envy. I had to learn, only in the past year or two, how to stop talking about my negative states to people who didn't understand.

You have value. You are needed here in the world. Emotional illness sucks. It's lousy and unfair. I hope that you're getting some kind of treatment. Keep coming back here and talk. There are people here who've had similar experiences. Wishing you healing and peace.

[sundog]

Welcome! (((((Matthew))))) I'm really sorry for your pain. I love what lavieenrose writes here and I can't say it better than that. I really hope you will stick around here and that we can offer you some support. I hope you're getting some support in real life too (aside from meds). A good therapist?

Is there anything in particular you like doing? Such as a hobby? I hope there are one or two things that give you some pleasure. The internet can be a good way to connect with others who share similar interests. But I know that real life support is even more important and I'm really sorry you are lonely. I hope it helps a bit to spend time here.

Wishing you all the very best (((((Matthew))))

[Mustkeepjob32]

I'm so glad that you came here to open up about all that hurts you. This is a community of understanding people that all suffer from pain caused by mental problems. I have also thought of suicide many times and felt worthless. There is a part of me though that still knows that suicide is not the right option. It's a waste of human life. Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist? You need someone to sort some of these feelings out. Don't give up.

Z

[Leed]

Hi Matthew ~ I'm so sorry you have such pain. Are you in therapy?? You should be. You need to have someone you can talk to and tell your fear to. I've been in and out of therapy all my life ~ and now I'm out, finally. But therapy has done me a world of good. I didn't want to live either for a long time, but i'd never kill myself.

Matthew, God IS with you. The reason you don't feel His presence is because YOU stepped away. He's walking with you right now. You need to get off drugs so that you can FEEL --- drugs numb our ability to feel our senses accurately. Yes, you're depressed and drugs DEPRESS you. By taking them, you're making your depression WORSE. You have to stop taking them. But you're going to need help ~ find a therapist and get some help, please. You owe it to yourself. We don't want to lose you, and neither do your parents!!! You are VERY important to many many people!! Suicide is a permanent answer to a TEMPORARY problem!! Please erase that thought from your mind.

We'll be here to listen whenever you feel like talking. But put in a call to someone ~ a good therapist. In the meantime, God bless you and take care. I hope to hear from you soon. Hugs, Lee