Scared of Being a bad person

Hello, I am new here and a little nervous. I am 22,and since around the age of 17 or 18, I had this "phobia" of being a pedophile. I don't tell many people, because people make this assumption that I am. I had this fear, because all my life I could never understand how people can be so sick and evil to hurt an innocent child. So I said to myself, imagine being the most evil and repulsive thing on this earth, and presto my fear begun.

As a college student, I never had a relationship with a woman, and I am still a virgin. So often, I get "urges". I try not to be a chronic masturbator, so I do it about once or twice a month. Sometimes I can go for 6 months without it. Anyway, my fear of pedophiles scare me so much, that the unthinkable happens. When I fantasize about women during masturbation, sick images of kids cross my mind. The more I try to refrain from them, the more they pop in. I never fondled, molested, or beat a child nor ever intend to. As a sociology major I even hope to work with them. A lot of children are being taken advantage of, and I hoped to look after them some day.

I once spoke to a college counselor who mentioned the difference between merging "reality and fantasy." In fact I even got mad, because I said this is Not a fantasy. There unwanting thoughts that interrupt my healthy fantasies. I can't figure out, if I would never hurt a child, why do I feel as if I just committed the most evil act ever?

Don't get upset with me, but I think your counselor was onto something, just worded it horribly. I don't think it was meant as a good fantasy, no of course you don't want to think of children in that way, but consider the existence of a negative fantasy. Just like how you can have good dreams and nightmares with the umbrella term "dreams". I think what she mean to say is that this is somewhat of a self fulfilling prophesy. Such as, you are always afraid of thinking becoming a pedophile, so when you're subconscious is left alone, it remember whatever frequent thought you had. It doesn't pick up on the negative connotations you think of it with, it just takes the person/place/thing as it is.

My phobia is very different from your (needles) so I don't know if this will help any. If you get an image that invades what you planned to fantasize about, can you say to yourself "ok, that's not what I want" and replace it with a new image? I think by refraining/fighting, it's on your mind more (again, I'm not saying on your mind in a good way) which puts the image there. Also, I'm not a doctor by any sense, but to me (and my limited experience) this almost sort of sounds like OCD? Or pure O because there is no compulsion behind it? Maybe some of the therapies for that would help you from obsessing about your fear.

Can you try to focus on the ways in which you do/want to interact with children. Focus on the healthy behaviours. Curiosity, does this lead you to avoid contact with children? Are you afraid you would hurt a woman if you were in a relationship with her, thus avoiding the area all together?

Your so right tsol. I was hard on the counselor. I should have seen how she was "wording it". Interestingly enough I do try to replace the image. Sometimes what calms me down is the fact that I shrug the image off, and replace it right before ejaculation (thank goodness). And yes, I now feel that I have to restrict myself around children. Nor because I'll sickly enjoy "something", but I just get weirded out. Sometimes I can go6 months with a clear head, but even if I shrug the image off, its like my subconscious is saying "too late, your still a bad person."

I often do feel bad around women. Like I am gonna do something to dislike me, so I keep my distance.

I don't thing you were too hard on the counselor, as a counselor she should have been more careful with her wording. You might have better luck with a different one.

I think if you are already replacing the image, the more you work at it, the quicker you'll be able to get rid of it, until one day, you will have smooshed it before you even knew what it was.

Do you think being around a place with woman and children would help. A busy, public place so you don't make yourself too uncomfortable. But being in the area and taking note of the fact that you aren't having those thoughts?

Do you have other unwanted thoughts? And do you have rituals that you feel compelled to perform? What you wrote sounds very OCD to me. People with OCD often obsess over the possibility of doing something terrible, like raping or murdering someone. If you do have OCD, it can usually be treated with therapy. I wish you well!

Although we can't diagnose anyone here, I've heard this similar thought process enough to speculate this is called 'intrusive thought' and Secretum is correct....its a form of OCD called obsessive thinking. I highly doubt you would ever harm a child or have desire for a child. Intrusive thoughts are always involving the opposite of what you would normally do, such as incest, being gay if the person is insecure with his/her sexuality etc.

It usually involves taboo or undesirable thoughts - the best example I usually give is - if I'm taking out the garbage and all of a sudden I imagine myself eating the disgusting garbage. Does this mean I'm a garbage eater - well no - so if you're repelled by the thought then you actually don't want to harm children, its quite the opposite.

You're actually afraid of harming children and your mind in playing tricks on you. You're not feeling desire for kids - remember these kind of thoughts don't represent your true intentions. Consult with a therapist and ask about intrusive thoughts. You're going to be fine and I don't feel these thoughts are even a fantasy, just invasive intrusive thoughts.

Hi AV88, welcome to Psych Central!

About two years ago, when I was new here, another member started a thread about intrusive thoughts. It's always been one of my favorites and I thought I'd leave you a link to it: Sexual and Gender Issues > Unwanted Sexual Thoughts.

Hi av88,
just thought I'd let you know that I've had the same experience as you. I started having intrusive thoughts around this very topic, as well as awful thoughts of animal torture, and thinking I was racist. It's incredibly frightening and I completely sympathize. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, but I do wonder if this is what's causing it. I hope you can work through this with a therapist

Thank you for the replys everyone I appreciate it. I admire the examples you gave me.This explains why when the thoughts come, I twitch my head to the side, to "start all over." Sometimes when I clear my head, I envision a sky with clouds, almost to substitute the image. And for some awkward reason, it helps when I look at the time. The time as to be a nice round number like 3:05 or 5:10. I never thought about the concept of "rituals" till recently.

Thanks for the reply AV88 - the rituals you mentioned definitely sound like you're making deals with yourself, which is typical of OCD and obsessive behaviors - they're ritual behaviors which quell the anxiety temporarily. So now you know you're not a bad person at all, just a person who needs help.

Be upfront with your doctor and therapist - discuss the intrusive thoughts and how it might be OCD or obsessive thoughts. Even just knowing a person can have a thought pop in their head, but it doesn't mean you really want to do the thought in this case, is helpful. The fact the thought upsets you is another key point...of lack of intention.

Thanks for the help Lynn, I have a lot to think about

As others have mentioned, it would be good to talk about these intruding thoughts with a doctor and/or therapist. But (and this might be easier said than done), can you also try reminding yourself what a good person you are? Ironically, your fears of being a bad person actually illustrate what a kind, and caring individual you are! You want to help children--the last thing you would ever want to do is harm them!

Remind yourself, if you can, of what a kind and caring person you are. Tell yourself that you are a good person, and you deserve love--most importantly, from yourself--because it's true, you are good!

Wishing you all the best, AV
--Nemo

Thank you Nemo. You know when stuff like this usually happens. I try to look for a positive outlook, but it gets so bad, that my mind tells me that "because your trying to look for a positive out reach, your being bad for looking for an excuse." I do appreciate the help.

Hello, I know its been so many years.
Just wondering how are you doing?
Did you get a solution to stop thinking negative.
I have the same issue, im 23 years old and I was a victim from a pedophile.
And 3 to 4 months ago I had depression and suddently I cant stop thinking about how bad a person could be to children. Now I am thinking of it all the time. And Im even scared to be one. So everytime I see a baby o a child. I automaticly think bad things.