[Ipod1]

This is going to be long.I'm just going to type out my whole story because I can't find much online that I can relate to. I hope to god someone can relate somewhat because I feel like I lost myself completely. I'm 22 and it all started at the age of 16 when my first love left me. I cried for a week straight and just figured it was a typical heartbreak. I smoked some marijuana sometimes but pretty much quit because i didnt enjoy it anymore. But when she left me I started smoking again. Over the next month I was hanging out with a new girl. The last time I smoked pot was with her. I won't go into details but it was a terrible experience. Not hearing voices or anything but I blacked out for about a minute. Probably a few months later I was going to the doctor for stomach pains. At first the dr said it was stress related but after a stool test the found a parasite in my intestine not very uncommon so they gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way. Somewhere in that next year or so I was seeing a psychiatrist because I developed OCD. I was so scared of the drug LSD I was obsessed with these thoughts and were the root to almost all of my rituals. I was scared of it because I was scared of losing control because I had heard that it could change you for the rest of your life.( Like syd Barrett from pink Floyd)
So I dealt with that for the next couple years. I'd think things like people would spike my drink with it or my food or cigarettes even though deep down I knew These were irrational I couldn't shake it for a couple years. I had all of these thoughts because I also heard of people spiking things with acid back in the 70's. I don't think it's delusional because it's all very possible. So I got over doing rituals and the fear of acid. I mean I still fear it but I don't think that'd ever happen to me. When I was 18 or 19 don't really remember I had my first panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe and my throat was closing up. Felt dizzy etc. from there this brought on some agoraphobia where any time I left my house I had anxiety attacks and I'm not sure why. So I just stayed around my town hung out with friends. I then read a book "From Panic to Power" this helped me get through that and eventually I was able to leave the area or my comfort zone again. Such a relief at the time. During this time I wasn't really depressed that I know of anyway. I was enjoying skateboarding that was a huge hobby, hanging out with my friends and starting college. My dad and brother and I got an apartment and moved about 30 mins from the town I grew up in. I met the love of my life in this time and for awhile I was doing everything right. I had a job, girlfriend, and was going to school getting my life off to a good start. Eventually though things started changing. I lost motivation to go to school. Although I wanted to so bad so my girlfriend and I could grow together like most people do and eventually move to Chicago and raise a family. My home life has always been stressful. My mom and dad divorced when I was young because my mother physically abused me many times. So we moved around a lot my dad changed jobs a lot and we struggled with money constantly. So I was always stressed when I look back on it. We lost the apartment we were in because my dad had lost his job like a lot of people did when the recession hit. So he was always on me and pretty much needed all of my money to help us get by. This stressed me out because I wanted so bad to be like a family were the kid goes to college and doesn't really have to worry about things like that. It was very hard on me. I didn't even get a car till I was almost 20. So when we lost our apartment I had to move in with a friend of mine. I kept losing jobs due to my lack of motivation. And always had people on my back to get motivated get a job, go back to school, etc. My girlfriend my dad all the time. I tried but I just couldnt do it and I didnt know why. Fast forward a year. Say I'm 21. Haven't been in school for a year. My dad got back on his feet and got us an apartment. I work 2 dead end jobs, re enrolled in school only to later drop all my classes because they got rid of my major. I was having problems with my girlfriend. And really upset with myself. Because I wasn't happy where I was in life, but had 0 motivation to change it. No matter what I tried. About 3 months ago my anxiety started coming back. It was always there anyways but I learned to control it whenever I'd start to feel anxious. Even though I ran from the anxiety and rarely faced situations that made me feel anxious. I was ok with that because I still felt like myself at least. Well about 2 months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist again because my girlfriend encouraged it and I agreed. Because it had gotten in the way of our relationship so many times. She prescribed Zoloft and sent me on my way. I still felt normal In a sense at this time. I didn't take the Zoloft until one time I really just broke down. I was so stressed with my relationship troubles, jobs and everything else about myself I guess. I just had a huge anxiety attack. I started searching for answers and started wondering if I was bi polar because sometimes I felt happy but most of the time I was just tired and out of it with no motivation. That quickly turned into me searching on my iPhone constantly to see what was wrong with me. And I mean every minute of everyday it seemed like. Anyway my dad was in town (he comes in about once a month) and I was sick of feeling like this so I broke down and took a Zoloft. About an hour later we were out to eat and I started feeling really weird, dizzy racing thoughts, can't really describe it. But I got up to go outside and smoke a cigarette and fainted! They called the ambulance and they checked me out and couldn't find anything wrong. I went to the hospital and they couldn't give me an explanation. Did all kinds of tests I haven't felt like that since I took the Zoloft so it has to be the Zoloft. No one in history has fainted from a damn anxiety attack. They gave me atavan and sent me on my way. I was still searching for what was wrong with me. I stumbled upon schitzophrenia and researched it heavily. I started questioning if I was delusional, seeing or hearing things etc. all the time. I think that is OCD. My girlfriend left me, because she was fed up with me not being in school and not really doing anything with my life and I really just wasn't the same person she fell In love with and I realize this and tried to explain to her that it's anxiety and depression and I'm going to figure it all out and ill be better. I'm so so stressed about her leaving. It devastated me. She left about a month ago. I just want my life back and want to feel like myself again. I feel so weird and my old self feels so distant. Sometimes I'll feel better for a day I have good days and bad days. The past few days have been bad again. I see a therapist and have seen 3 different psychiatrists and they all assure me I'm not schizophrenic but for some reason I can't believe it's just anxiety and severe depression. I do have some depersonalization I think. And probably some derealization. I don't know. Even as I'm typing this I just don feel like I'm al here. I fear I'm slipping away like I'm just gonna snap one day and be delusional and just lost forever. It's a huge fear. I just do not feel normal at all. Im doing things to better myself. Some goals are to find a new job, start seeing my friends again, and go back to school in the spring. And hopefully get my girlfriend back. I just feel so lost. I'm ready for my life back anytime please :/ if you have any questions or comments please just ask. I need something. I need to feel something other than this. I have an appointment tomorrow so I'll probably feel a little better when he tells me I'm not going crazy etc. but that doesn't last long. Sorry this is probably the longest post in the world lol but I had to get it out. Sorry I can't describe it much better. Thanks for reading.

[Ipod1]

Anybody?

[pbutton]

You're not going crazy, I promise. I've had many similar reactions. I'm fighting my way back to normal and you can too. Hang in there!

I've felt like I was going crazy, unable to return back to myself, been terrified of drugs, feel like I'm watching myself, reasearch the crap out of stuff, think the same thing over and over and over and over and over....

You said you're having some good days. That's great! If you put some work into getting help and healing you can start having more and more of those good days.

[Ipod1]

Yeah I mean I'm going to therapy reading so many self help books. It's just a long journey I guess. I hope I get better. I'm so out of it all the time. Ahhh

[pbutton]

It is a long journey and at times that makes me very impatient. Stick with it and you will get better. The only way out is through.

[unaluna]

You're still young, are you doing anything physical? Still skateboarding? Can you take up running or anything? My T is a big believer in physical stuff.

[Ipod1]

No not really vet physical anymore. I just play a lot of pool. I know I want to exercise I just don't have the motivation. Like ive been laying in bed all day. It's 5:22. I couldn't really sleep much and if I do sleep its a light sleep. I had a nightmare. I can't stop having weird thoughts, and can't quit thinking about my ex girlfriend. I seriously think I'm going crazy. I feel so out of it when I wake up I can't think straight like I'm treating my dad bad just being irritable and I don't wanna be like this. I just want it to end. All of it.

[Ipod1]

Not really very physical*

[pbutton]

I work out every single day to help improve my mood and ward off panic attacks. I find exercise helps me more than anything else. Anxiety causes so much pent up stress, it's great if you can find a way to release it. If you can start small it may help improve your mood.

[Ipod1]

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't really ever have panic attacks anymore. Like I said I've been checked out before by a few psychiatrists but they don't think anything is wrong other than anxiety and depression. This is terrible. I can't keep going on like this either. I literally feel blank almost. It's so scary to think I may be losing my mind. I still think I am.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Ipod1

I can't keep going on like this either. I literally feel blank almost. It's so scary to think I may be losing my mind. I still think I am.

You're pretty much describing how I felt back in May and June of this year. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can tell you that I did manage to find my way back. It feels impossible to overcome, but it's not, I promise.

[Ipod1]

Its so different than anything I've ever felt before. This is rock bottom to me.. And if it isn't I couldn't fathom what it'd feel like to be any lower. Thank god I have therapy tomorrow. I'm gonna open up more to her about how I'm feeling and see what she thinks. I'm not the best patient because I wont take medicine but I'm really considering it. Its like I just lost who I am as a person. Is this normal for anxiety and depression and stuff. I just don't get it anymore. I can't even describe it. I just want It over with. I wanna start to get better, or just get worse. I just need to feel something instead of Being at this dead end road. I feel completely lost. That doesn't even sum It up. I can't find hardly anything that describes it either. That's the hard thing. Not schizophrenic, obviously depressed and anxiety and OCD. It's a mix of all kinds of stuff. Some social anxiety. Does it all just catch up with you one day and you start feeling like this?? I remember it got really bad after I went to the hospital for fainting so maybe it's disassociation or something. I'm not sure. Thank you guys for talking to me! When it seems no one else understands at all.

[pbutton]

It did all catch up with me at once. Looking back on it now I can see that I had been getting worse for a long time and then I got sick and hit my absolute bottom. I spent a few weeks feeling like I was not in my body and that I couldn't turn back into being myself. It was SO odd.

I can't diagnose you, but I'll tell you most of what you type sounds very familiar to me and I have anxiety issues - panic disorder and OCD. I worry that I'm going crazy, but it's all worry and anxiety and nothing else. You are not alone.

I'm too scared to even try my Ativan, so I'm probably not a good one to talk about meds. I am sure they help though. Sometimes I wonder how I'd be doing if I allowed myself to seek that type of help.

I hope you have a good session with your T tomorrow. Talking about it will help. Therapy has helped me a TON. Tell your T everything that you've been posting here. It's amazing how much just being HEARD helps.

[Ipod1]

Yes looking back its all been building for a couple years or more, you just don't realize it until it all hits you. I just took a Xanax and that's pushing it for me. It makes me just not as tense I guess. I just wanna feel like myself again. I also wonder what it'd be like if I just took my other meds but I'm to scared to give it a whirl. I'm sure we'll both get through whatever it is we're going through some time. I'm aware there's no quick fix. It took us awhile to get to this point so it'll take awhile to get better.