[Phoboxyl]

As a person with Social Phobia most people ignore me. I take this as proof that they can tell that I am weird and inferior. I usually feel they are looking at me and thinking what a loser and a weirdo I am, and sometimes I feel they are talking about me and laughing. This gets intense when I have depressive moods but otherwise it is usually mild or absent.

I used to believe that girls ignored me because I wasn't hot enough, and that guys simply thought I was a freak. But, eventually I found out that I'm hot enough and that girls do like my looks. So since the last four years I was left unable to explain why girls were ignoring me MOST OF THE TIME, and if this has anything to do with why guys ignore me. While it felt very real, I started to wonder whether or not it was just in my head.

Over the last three years there have been about 3 incidents where random strangers pointed out how upset I looked while I was out at bars. I did look upset, because I was furious and depressed. I also had maybe 12 or 15 experiences where people were totally friendly and girls were interested in meeting me. All of these times occurred when I started out the night in an excellent (drunken) mood. It is like night and day!

This is all very confusing because it feels like it's not me and that the world is just persecuting me. I can't seem to control my behavior in a way that will make people like me. My masks don't work so I stopped wearing them, and even if I try to smile other people can sense something's wrong with me and they ignore me. It seems then that people really are ignoring me after all, it's not in my head, and the reason it's happening is because they can tell that I AM UPSET. Even when I'm only moderately anxious or mildly depressed, they can tell and they throw me in the garbage bin before I even get a chance.

[essexgirl]

Yeah i know how you feel there as i often feel people do pick
up on my social anxiety too and often treat me and socially inferior others
and ones with a lack of confidence very bad so i understand you.

You don't need these kind of people. you want people to relate to who will
not judge you on being socially awkward. People should accept you and i have
friends who i really trust and i no longer hang out with ones that dont care about my feelings.

[Perna]

It almost sounds like you are trying to solve the which-came-first-chicken-or-egg problem? You are upset because you are being ignored and you are being ignored because you are upset. You do not reach out and try to get to know others but they are supposed to reach out and try to get to know you.

You have to talk to a person first so they know you are interested; no one can read your mind, even if you are looking friendly; looking friendly and smiling is no guarantee that someone will speak to you, it just makes it easier for the other person to do that "work". But you have to do your part of the work first! If you want to talk to someone, you have to go talk to them, you have to speak, you have to say, "Hey, do you come here often?" or, "Hey, I'm here alone tonight can I hang out with you for a bit; do you know anyone else here?" or, just, "Hey, how are you." Something.

I talk to the bartender (a good idea if you are a girl alone; if you make friends with the bartender and then a guy starts to give you a hard time later, often the bartender will step in and "help" -- police tip) and other people see me actually talking to the bartender and then they enter into the conversation if they can (or I enter into their conversations with the bartender :-)

You have to get the ball rolling yourself. Yes, people will ignore you if you ignore them. That you drink and thus chemically relax enough to feel "good" so you are more approachable should be a lesson in what "can" happen when you are approachable. Next time, rather than think yourself ignored and get angry about it, move closer to people, smile sincerely (knowing if you do so, they might say something to you) and prove to yourself that it is possible for you to be approachable without the chemicals. But don't judge by whether someone talks to you first or not; talk to someone else first and then you'll know if they are interested/not interested in talking to you (which will be about them, not you!).

[lancetrot]

Hi,
Some people do neglect on purpose. I believe you're overreacting. But mostly people are just in their own world and they're not paying attention to you does not mean that they hate you or ignore you.

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by lancetrot

Hi,
Some people do neglect on purpose. I believe you're overreacting. But mostly people are just in their own world and they're not paying attention to you does not mean that they hate you or ignore you.

No, you misunderstand. They are actively ignoring me because they can tell there is something wrong with me by my behavior. They have all but told me so.

[unaluna]

So... start with groups that are more accepting of you as you are now. that's why people always recommend volunteering, a person who is sick or dying isn't going to reject you because you're not cool enough. but the experience will change who you are, and you will become more interesting to new people you meet.

[possum220]

Volunteering is a good way to be involved with the world.

People can't read our minds. And I will let in you in on a secret. As much as you are thinking about yourself, other people are thinking about themselves. So they aren't really thinking about you that much. So you can relax.

Another secret is............. Not everybody will like you. But that is okay because you wont like everybody either.

Somehow if we stop thinking so much about ourselves, we will find the time to see things from other people's perspectives and maybe make a few friends along the way.

Relax..........

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by Perna

It almost sounds like you are trying to solve the which-came-first-chicken-or-egg problem? You are upset because you are being ignored and you are being ignored because you are upset. You do not reach out and try to get to know others but they are supposed to reach out and try to get to know you.

Well, yeah, that's more or less correct. When I reach out to other people I am nearly categorically met with rejection unless I am in a very relaxed, confident mood. Nobody likes a weirdo.

You have to talk to a person first so they know you are interested; no one can read your mind, even if you are looking friendly; looking friendly and smiling is no guarantee that someone will speak to you, it just makes it easier for the other person to do that "work".

Did you even read my post?

But you have to do your part of the work first! If you want to talk to someone, you have to go talk to them, you have to speak, you have to say, "Hey, do you come here often?" or, "Hey, I'm here alone tonight can I hang out with you for a bit; do you know anyone else here?" or, just, "Hey, how are you." Something.

I talk to the bartender (a good idea if you are a girl alone; ...

Which I am not. It's creepy...

You have to get the ball rolling yourself.

Read my post. Smh.

Yes, people will ignore you if you ignore them.

**Head spinning around**...

That you drink and thus chemically relax enough to feel "good" so you are more approachable should be a lesson in what "can" happen when you are approachable.

Look! Up in the sky! It's captain obvious!!!

Next time, rather than think yourself ignored and get angry about it, move closer to people, smile sincerely (knowing if you do so, they might say something to you) and prove to yourself that it is possible for you to be approachable without the chemicals.

Do you understand the nature of social phobia? Sweety, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be posting out of your own "mental health issue" area where you might invalidate someone with your uninformed "good intentions".

But don't judge by whether someone talks to you first or not; talk to someone else first and then you'll know if they are interested/not interested in talking to you (which will be about them, not you!).

Riiiiiighhhhtttt.....so when you talk to 100 people FIRST and 99 of them reject you and act creeped out, then it must be all about them! Gosh, and here I was thinking little ol' me had something to do with it.

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by hankster

So... start with groups that are more accepting of you as you are now. that's why people always recommend volunteering, a person who is sick or dying isn't going to reject you because you're not cool enough. but the experience will change who you are, and you will become more interesting to new people you meet.

Dude, I appreciate the effort, really. But I don't think you really understood the post.

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by possum220

Volunteering is a good way to be involved with the world.

People can't read our minds. And I will let in you in on a secret. As much as you are thinking about yourself, other people are thinking about themselves. So they aren't really thinking about you that much. So you can relax.

Another secret is............. Not everybody will like you. But that is okay because you wont like everybody either.

Somehow if we stop thinking so much about ourselves, we will find the time to see things from other people's perspectives and maybe make a few friends along the way.

Relax..........

Social phobia isn't self-consciousness. My post is attracting well intentioned but uninformed people apparently. Again, I appreciate the effort but your assistance is actually invalidating and angering. I could explain but if you didn't understand the post then you probably haven't done enough research on SA to grasp any explanation I might furnish.

[possum220]

Sorry if you thought I was invalidating you. My intent was not to anger you.

The fact that people have responded to your post has to let you know that you aren't being ignored.

I do know what it is like to be ignored. Some times I do live the life of a hermit because I am scared of people. Other times I push myself out there. I do know what it is like to have people stare at me because my body isn't under my full control. I do feel like a freak. My P'doc tells me to forget about what other people think. Maybe bars aren't a good place to be. They are loud and noisy and tend to get on my nerves. I am on medication to calm my system.

Maybe it would be good to talk to a professional for this phobia and get some real help. I wish you luck.

Peace.

[Phoboxyl]

Thanks for your understanding Possum. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings since that was not my intention. I just felt frustrated and I think I may have come across a little harshly. I do apologize for that.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by Phoboxyl

As a person with Social Phobia most people ignore me. I take this as proof that they can tell that I am weird and inferior. I usually feel they are looking at me and thinking what a loser and a weirdo I am, and sometimes I feel they are talking about me and laughing. This gets intense when I have depressive moods but otherwise it is usually mild or absent.

I used to believe that girls ignored me because I wasn't hot enough, and that guys simply thought I was a freak. But, eventually I found out that I'm hot enough and that girls do like my looks. So since the last four years I was left unable to explain why girls were ignoring me MOST OF THE TIME, and if this has anything to do with why guys ignore me. While it felt very real, I started to wonder whether or not it was just in my head.

Over the last three years there have been about 3 incidents where random strangers pointed out how upset I looked while I was out at bars. I did look upset, because I was furious and depressed. I also had maybe 12 or 15 experiences where people were totally friendly and girls were interested in meeting me. All of these times occurred when I started out the night in an excellent (drunken) mood. It is like night and day!

This is all very confusing because it feels like it's not me and that the world is just persecuting me. I can't seem to control my behavior in a way that will make people like me. My masks don't work so I stopped wearing them, and even if I try to smile other people can sense something's wrong with me and they ignore me. It seems then that people really are ignoring me after all, it's not in my head, and the reason it's happening is because they can tell that I AM UPSET. Even when I'm only moderately anxious or mildly depressed, they can tell and they throw me in the garbage bin before I even get a chance.

Different people pick up on different things. My boss picks up things about me no one else does. Some people will look right through you and know what you feel inside, some will basically just acknowledge you as a human being non specific, some will project things on you, some people will get you all wrong.

Sure, there are a few generic masks that will fool some people, sort of semi shallow, well meaning ones. But wearing a mask is an effort, even if all people do it but maybe to a lesser extent or with much lesser effort.

A lot of people react strongly to what they perceive is something wrong with another person. It can happen even if no one can pinpoint what it is they picked up on. Sometimes it is obvious why people avoid a person, but sometimes it is more of an instinct. Ìf someone avoids me like that, I can take the hint. And also it tells me that person is too stupid to give me another chance. Because we shouldn't be all instinct, we should be reason as well.

With social anxiety it is easy to interpret other peoples' reactions negatively. Some people sure don't avoid you more than they avoid others. Maybe they don't judge you the way you think. BUT, on the other side, people always look for and at others. Some sure don't have that interest, they are just less social, but quite many people sort of constantly scan the environment. They might do this passively, but they still do it. If something tells them you're different, they might mentally scratch you off the list.

People are being nice and say this doesn't happen. But it does. Some species shun a hurt individual, some take care of it. Humans have the option to do either. We're pack animals with all that comes with it.

There is no easy way to get liked. Basically I don't think it is worth the effort. Making a few real friends is not a hopeless task. Personally I'd rather have friends that like me for who I am. Sure it has hurt to be disliked, but it doesn't anymore. I don't care much what others think. I think bad things about them as well sometimes, so we're sort of even.

Something weird I found is when I let my quirks run wild, more people liked me compared if I held them back. I guess maybe then I don't seem insecure, and maybe even interesting...

And what is wrong with having a drink in a pub? That is what they are for...

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Phoboxyl

Social phobia isn't self-consciousness. My post is attracting well intentioned but uninformed people apparently. Again, I appreciate the effort but your assistance is actually invalidating and angering. I could explain but if you didn't understand the post then you probably haven't done enough research on SA to grasp any explanation I might furnish.

People who have never had these social difficulties to the extreme will never get it. It's hard for us to tell ourselves what to do. This isn't the "cute" shyness people get from time to time, it's unrelenting and quite paralyzing unless you try to fix it. I remember being in high school and not even wanting to go down to the gas station to buy a pack of gum, that's how bad it is. I wanted to kill myself when I was 17 because of it.

I can't offer you much advice, because I suffer from the same thing, but I find forcing it in mild doses helps. For instance, if there's a happy hour after work, I go and manage to stay for at least 2 hours even if I'm not having a good time. Some people see through me and others think I'm not shy at all. I guess I could win some Oscars. Go figure. I also recently got a performance review at work saying I was "a lot of fun". I thought WTF?? I am in the wrong business. LOL.

One thing I need to ask, and I don't mean for this to sound unkind - are you generally nice to other people or are you totally moody/glum (you have good reason to be with this awful anxiety, you know what I mean) and present yourself that way? I try the "fake it 'till you make it" approach. I will tell you a little story. 3 weeks ago a new person started in my group at work, and my boss said it was "my turn" to take this person out to lunch on their first day (it's company policy, part of their orientation). I was dreading it for obvious reasons, I did not want to do it. But I didn't have a choice. So here I go, I pick her up down at reception, I take her to this place across the street, and we ended up having a good time. It was easy to talk to her because I assumed ahead of time that we had the same career background/interests, which we did. And now she e-mails me every day asking me for help with various things (settling into the job) and wants to know how my weekend was, etc. She's nice to work with. See what I mean? If I had totally revealed how crap I was feeling, I would never have made this connection with this person. I know people say that it's not good to hide how you're feeling, but when you're dealing with an odd psychological disorder such as this one, faking a smile can open a door to new relationships/encounters that you never saw coming, and you never knew just how good some of those experiences could turn out to be because you were holding yourself back.