[telb]

Hey wass up peeps.
been searching forumson anxiety and depression all day.. dont got nothing else to do :/ thought i would post and see if i can get some imput on my situation. if anyone else has thiese type of problems.

Well i just got outa jail about 2 mounths ago now. and was placed on 3 yrs. supervised probation. sence ive been home ive hardly left the house. my problem is i got nothin to do. i dont want to call my friends because i feel i have forgoten how to hang out. i fear i wouldent know what to say. and if i did i would be repeditive and un intresting. in the past after about 4 mounths of being a loser they called and we started hanging out again. at first i was real quit. when i would speak i would talk real low and they would often ask me what i said. but after a while i was fine. fuk i know i sound stupid. i dont relly know what im so affraid of .
anyway my probation reqiers me to get a job. well. wich has proven to be allmost impossible. i was looking online for jobs. and read there is a store close by my house that is hireing for a custodian. "perfect" well when i decided i was goin to go apply i got crazzily nervous. my hart was racing and i started sweating bad. and pacing. i finally got up the curage to go and apply. i get there and its a girl around my age. wich makes my anxiety worse. i fear looking like a fool. or them seeing that im scared. i sweat and my hands shake. i ask for a app. my heart is racing . i try and play it cool. she get the app and asks if im goin to fill it out here? yes. she says i will need to take the test. what test mathmatics? math english and science she says. science? ya...no its a personality test. oh.. it was a joke. i manage to laugh. i try to fill out the application but i dont have any refrences. i cant concentrate. my mind starts racing theres no way i can do this. im to scared to be asked anymore questions by this person.i make sure to hand in the clip board and test back to the older lady and tell here i will be back. i take the long way out of the store for fear of the girl seeing me leave. what the f**ck is wrong with me. i faild. i feel defeated.
anyway my cousin said he would get me a job mowing lawns. which falls threw. im sure he was lieing to me the whole time.
man all i do is sit at home allday. im cant get high anymore. im to scared to call my friends. man i relly dont think anyone watches more tv then me. its not possible. i fantasize about suicide. i know i cant put my mom threw that again. i get scared and hide when my little brother has friends over. i would talk to them when i first got out of jail. but everytime they come over i am here sitting in my room.i hate being a loser. ive been like this for over 2 yrs now. its at the point where i think im goin crazy. if it wasent for my mom who is allso extreemly depressed i would have absolutly no one to talk to.
anyway i go down to burgar king and fill out a app. with only slight anxiety. i come back the next day and talk to the manager. i go to a interview the next day and everything is good. im sweating but he dosent notice. i get the job. he says he will start me out as a cook tomorrow. i start to have anxiety. i cant sleep all night i try everything. from meditation to calming music with calming tea. i still cant sleep. i decide to take some cough med to help me sleep. i get 1 hr sleep and wake up. i cant get back to sleep. i feel sick . and anxiety is on the edge of full blown panick attack wich i havent had in over a year. so i tell my mom im not goin. and explain whats wrong. she still dont fully understand my anxiety. some of it is relly stupid and she thinks im just making excuses. she is absolutly dissapointed. my boss calls and says if im serius about this job to call tomorrow. i sleep good that night i wake up early but im not going to call. i will look like a fool. what will i say. why i dident show up to work because i was scared?..terrified.. i act like i call burgar king in front of my mother. i tell her he said he was busy and would call be back. so now im back in my room with nothing to do.

i dont know what to tell my parol officer. she can send me back to jail for 1 yr. if i dont get a job soon. i am on no med. right now. i got some of my celexa left over but they drug test for all medication. i feel i need to see the doc b4 i get a job. but i cant afford 30$ to see him.
so.....what am i to do?
what do i tell my parol officer?
do i start taking my celexa and explain i dont have a current prescription when i get drug tested?
do i man up and try for a job again?despite my fear i go and i tryed i gave it my all. im even more scared of starting a new job after my panick attack yesterday.

p.s. thanx ahead of time if you actully read this.

[siwarp]

Hi mate i feel ya cause am 25 and abit of a alpha male too with lots of pride but such big problems,in the sort of world i grew up in there was no room 4 mental health problems,me dads a right ape and he will never understand.i suffer SAD(social anxiety disorder) with depression,i have suffered the SAD for about 10 years and it is my life now its part of me.What was u like b4 u went in prison mate,do u think that played a part in your predicament.Do u not get to see a doctor for free over there then???

[siwarp]

So u toke weed then,this to is not good particually 4people like ourselves who have more fragile minds than others,i abused weed for 9years and it played a massive part in my slip from depression to much deeper problems over the coures of 6+years, weed/isolation/depression not a good mix,do it for long enuff and u will see no way back,take it from me mate.Let me no how things go yeah,take it easy,p.s what where u doin porridge 4???

[DaveyJones]

Hi, telb,

Welcome to PC...you'll find help here, lots of great people here.

As far as work, try going to a temp agency or day labor agency...you'll find them in the yellow pages under employment. Some will pay you the same day you work, and should help keep your PO off your butt.

I can relate to your feelings of isolation...I'm sort of the same way anymore. All my friends are gone, I have trouble with work, no references and so on. I'm afraid to do anything anymore, I'm afraid I'll ***** it up. I do know that working will help. It keeps you busy and gives you something to focus on besides all the bad stuff. Another good thing is to do something to help someone...go work at a Habitat for Humanity house, volunteer for anything you can. Again, it helps you stay busy, and there's nothing else like the feeling you get from helping someone who really needs it.

I hope you can figure things out...you're at a really scary point in life right now.

Good Luck,
DJ

[Azalysa]

Hi, telb! Adding my welcome to PsychCentral as well!

Just wanted to add a couple of things...

1. I've been on Zoloft and Depakote for years and years and have gone through a couple of drug tests. I told the person before I took the test that I was on anti-depressants and was told they won't show up as the tests are looking for street drugs (or something to that effect).

2. Have you ever been on Ativan or Xanax? I have MAJOR anxiety attacks that seem to focus on work to the point that I hide under my sheets and literally shake. The anti-anxiety meds have really helped me. From what I understand many of not most of the AD's don't deal with anxiety.

Much luck to you!

[Lexicon78]

I've been on supervised probation for the last 6 years. I get off on June 8th (thank god!) Anyways, I did my time for a crime I didn't commit, but not without a ton of other things happening to me!

They wanted me to work, yeah. But I became so disabled that I couldn't leave my house at all, talk to other people, let alone hang out with any friends, and I basically just dropped off the face of the earth for awhile. I got anxiety and panic really bad, too. They said I had developed DID.

Please let your PO know what's going on with you. Be as up front and truthful as possible. Also you could try doing the new job if you are able. Don't blow it off. Even if it becomes too much for you, then your PO will know you at least tried. Yes, if you get tested for anything, let them know every medication you are on or have taken. That's very important.

Don't be too disappointed if your PO gives you a hard time. Mine was relentless. It was only until after a few months that mine realized I was being completely up front with her and wasn't feeding her a line of bull about everything.

Also, if you're seeing a counselor or are in any programs at all, make sure you get a release signed so your PO can speak to the counselor or head of the program so that they can vouch for the difficulties you are having. They'll also work together to help you out.

Hang in there.

[telb]

hey guys thnx for your post. it dose help to see others have gone through some of the same %#@&#! im goin through.
Man i hate being like this. i see no way out of my hell ive created myself. today buger king called and wanted to know if i wanted to come into work. i had my mom talk and tell them no. haha im such a %#@&#!. ever sence i found out what my job would consist of i have freaked myself out over it. i thought i would be cashier but they need me to cook. the manager is relly serious about his store being the fastest.
thing is the more i sit here i get worse. i get afriade of goin upstairs. of what the neihbors will think of me never leaving the house.
I dont want to tell my po this because i dont want to be seen as some one that is scared of the world. so i put on a front everytime i go report.
sometimes i think im just using my anxiety as an excuse. so i dont know i said fuk it and i started taking my ad's. today, hopefully i can see my family doc and get my kolopin after the 1st. thats alot of days just to sit home tho.
i relly feel im the biggest loser anyone can possibly be. who dosent leave the house when the weather is this nice?
i see alot of you at least have jobs. why is it so hard for me?
im relly hoping medication will help me get out of this mess. if not i dont know how much longer i can hold on.

[Azalysa]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
telb said:
i relly feel im the biggest loser anyone can possibly be. who dosent leave the house when the weather is this nice?
i see alot of you at least have jobs. why is it so hard for me?
im relly hoping medication will help me get out of this mess. if not i dont know how much longer i can hold on.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Me again I've felt like a loser too, even when I had my last job. In my case I have the education and have had great job opportunities that, largely due to my illness, I had to pass by. I've cried and cried and see other people my age planning for a comfortable retirement while I'm still working paycheck to paycheck. (And right now registered with a temp service but the first assignment I got from them I couldn't handle because of the fast-pace which then caused stress.)

Although our lives have taken different paths, I think those of us battling our illnesses will listen to that voice that tells us we're losers when, in fact, we are really strong. When my friends who do not live with various mental disorders hear what I go through they are all amazed I can even function. So I consider that a victory!!!

I've come to the conclusion (and it was a hard one to face up to) that I'll never reach what I am capable of in certain fields due to stress levels that come with them. I am now more content in finding a less stressful job to pay the bills, and then use my time and whatever energy I have to do what I want to do - advocate for mental health issues being one of them.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
who dosent leave the house when the weather is this nice?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Errrrr, me! Whether I'm ill or not, I've always liked my space (dorm room, room in parents home, my home) dark and cool. And I only go outside when I absolutely have to. I don't have agoraphobia...just like to be in my nice, quiet, cool, home

As for the job thing - I mentioned it above, but I get so much anxiety around working. I don't understand why, but have had it all of my working life. I plan to go into therapy to try to get a handle on that. So please, please don't feel all alone about issues with working. It must be hard when you don't have anyone 3D who understands to chat with...that is why PyschCentral is so cool. Please keep talking to us...and please, please don't give up.

Warmly....

[telb]

Hey guys whats up. i went and reported yesterday. man i was scared. i managed to stay some what calm. anyways i told my po that i wasent doing to good. that i am depressed and dont have my meds. i explained what happend with burger king. overal she was understanding and wanted to find me help. I am lucky i have such a nice po ~_~. anyways i have decided that i have to help myself as much as i can. it seems i have to hit absolute rock bottom before i get fed up with being a loser. it is a cycle tho. i try to better myself but i get frustrated and even more depressed. so i seem to go into a fuk it mode where i just sit and waste the days away.
I actully prayed last night to have the strength to do this. i am not religus in fact i do not belive in a god and havent prayed in years. So it was relly hard for me to let down my wall and ask god for help.
Im goin to try and stay positive throught out the day. i hope i can crawl out of this hole. it takes alot of guts for me to try because i know i will usally fail and come right back to where i started. i need to find a medium. i think the only way to do that is to have a job. So i dont know i guess i know what i need to do. its just actully getting the courage to do it is the problem because i am afriade of failer. just thought i would post and give u guys a update if you care.
((((((((all that took the time to read and post)))))))

[Rapunzel]

I am amazed sometimes that people dealing with the stuff they do here have some pretty good jobs. A few years ago I went through vocational rehabilitation and they went through the motions of setting me up in business doing my hobby, but I didn't make money at that. They said that with my social anxiety, I couldn't handle working with people. Now I'm working at very people-oriented jobs and in graduate school so that I can be a counselor. I don't get paid much, and doubt that I ever will be, or be worth much, but I'm doing a lot more now than anyone would have thought a few years ago that I could do.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You have to start somewhere. Believe in yourself. If you think you can, or think you can't, either way you're right.

[Azalysa]

Hey {{{{{telb}}}}}

Good to hear your update! As Rapunzel said - one foot in front of the other...one day at a time.