[geisha75]

I'm sorry to bug you all with this because I know there are people suffering much worse than I am, but I need to vent/commiserate with fellow anxiety sufferers.

Christmases used to be fun. I always had anxiety, but it didn't really take over until I was in my 20s. When my gramps was alive and my other grandparents were well enough to spend the holiday with us, it was a pretty nice time. My gramps could light up a room with his humor and fun personality.

Since I got married, I haven't visited my parents much despite living not that far away. My dad was extremely oppressive when I was a child. My dad is still stiff as a board, socially inept, incapable of any real emotions and makes me uncomfortable. My mom is depressed and won't seek help for it. She suffers/suffered milder panic issues herself, but now I'd say her main problem is depression. She likes to play the martyr and is always sighing about how we're dysfunctional and how she wishes she'd just leave this earth, etc. etc.

For the record, I don't know where she gets dysfunctional from. No, I don't visit, but I've followed a pretty straight path in life (no troubles with the law, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc). I don't consider having anxiety and mental issues dysfunctional, but maybe others do...

Anyway, having them over to my house causes me to panic, just as I do when I go to their house. Normally they aren't here for Christmas and travel down to see my aunt and uncle, but this year they stayed. Initially I was happy about having family to celebrate with as my husband's an atheist Jewish man. So it has always been just the two of us for Christmas and it bugged me after seeing everyone and their large families on Facebook, cheerful and posting pictures that looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. For a few months, I was desperate for anyone so that I could be somewhat like those people on Facebook, even though I know I couldn't be since we don't have or want children and our families are quite small. It is stupid to try and keep up with the Joneses, I know. My dad won't even take a normal family photo. He just laughs it off and won't take a nice picture.

My anxiety was improving under the care of a new psych. I love this woman and thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then one morning I had an appointment for a very basic thing and completely panicked. Ever since then I haven't been quite right and it was a major setback.

So, after the setback, I thought, "Well, it's good the folks won't be here for Christmas after all." A few days later, I got an email from my mom saying they would be staying, and then I began getting extremely worried.

Did I mention that food and eating in front of anyone is a massive anxiety trigger? The only way I can eat in front of anyone is to take a higher dose of Klonopin, and it doesn't always work since the anxiety is through the roof.

My new psych wants me to try Luvox for my obsessiveness, but I haven't taken it as it says it can cause lack of appetite and anxiety. The lack of appetite terrifies me because I am already quite underweight and can't afford to lose anymore.

My mom knew it would be tough for me, so she left plans up in the air. When she hadn't heard from me, she said they would go out to dinner. I had planned to have them here out of obligation, but agreed it would best if they went out. Then my dad got bent out of shape about it and my mom started the heaving and sighing about how I'll never improve, it's pointless to try therapy again, yada yada.

Well, it's Christmas Eve now and almost too late to get any food ready to have them over. I don't even want to exchange gifts as my mom will likely want us to come over and have some dessert or something.

I know staying away from family is selfish as they are older and my grandma's 90 and probably doesn't have many Christmases left, but they are just huge triggers and the anxiety wins out every time. And I don't particularly like spending time with them. I just get there and want to go home.

My conclusion is that no one in my family (parents, grandparents, in-laws) is what I wish they could be and I am not what they want me to be, so it's a draw. I don't particularly love my in-laws, but when I visit them (in another state), they are surrounded by so many people (friends, extended family, co-workers) who are just *alive* for lack of a better word. They're cheerful, hopeful, happy people and if I was around them, I daresay they might improve my state of mind.

I guess I just needed to vent and ask if any of you struggle with this. Do you find your family to be stressful and triggers for your anxieties? Maybe if I had a sibling, they would be a nice buffer. I'm not sure this will ever change as even when I was panic-free for seven years, they still were stressors for me. At heart, I guess I'm a bit of a hermit.

I hope you all have happy holidays though. You deserve it after what you all go through on a daily basis.

And I'm so sorry about the length of this. My writing can get out of hand and I have a hard time editing it down to the facts only.

[cjmccray]

Yes, I do have a lot of anxiety at the holidays. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. My children passed away in 1991 from a genetic disorder and I have not been able to really celebrate the holidays since. I have made an arrangement with my family so that we get together for Thanksgiving, just a gathering for those who want to eat. More of a day to catch up with each other rather than a day to focus on meal time. Christmas is then my day. I can sleep, watch tv, or whatever I want in the comfort of my own home. So, my suggestion is to try to make it more of a social gathering than a sit-down meal. This way you will not be forced to eat in front of others and can still catch up. Just try to get through it the best you can. I do understand and hope you can find a way to make it through. Let me know how things go. Lots of Hugs!!

Cindy

The most important thing is to take care of you ...

If others truly love and care about you, they will gracefully allow you this ... If not, then it's time to reasses the value of that connection.

I grew up in a very unpleasant family atmosphere and now spend my holidays to myself ... In spite of all that stuff, though, I find that the Christmas Music and Lights still bring me joy.

I'm sorry you're struggling with all this too, and I wish you the best and hope that their might be one glimmer of happiness for you during the holiday season.

,
Pfrog!

ps. You are not being selfish. Even if other people are suffering, it doesn't mean that you aren't. Therefore, I encourage you to be extra patient, gentle and kind with yourself right now ... .

[geisha75]

Thank you so much, cjmccray, and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. That is something I could never imagine and I completely understand why you would rather spend Christmas relaxing on your own.

Pfrog, my dad just keeps asking me "Why?" over and over. "What is causing this anxiety?" "I don't know. If I could figure that out, I probably wouldn't have it!" "You're afraid to eat? Are you anorexic?" "No, I am not anorexic. I am trying to gain, not lose."

Pfft. He has his own issues. He is so stiff and rigid from his crummy upbringing and the military that a therapist would probably have a field day. I finally got so frustrated that I said, "Look, would you question a diabetic about their illness? If I was wearing a cast, would you keep asking me why? I don't understand it, but just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't real!" My gosh. The saddest thing is he had a heart episode of some kind (nothing serious, but it caused his heart to race so much he began coughing) and afterward, he told my mother how he finally understood what I was going through. That was a year ago and all has been forgotten.

And on and on it goes. My mom told me I should never have bothered with therapy because it hasn't done an ounce of good. She's right - most of the seven years I spent in therapy was a waste of time, but she's referring to my aversion to restaurants and eating in front of others, something which I never brought up to the therapist in detail because I don't care if I never eat in another restaurant again.

She understands, but only to a point because her panic is alleviated with the lowest dose of Xanax that's available. The first time I was given a low dose of Xanax, I never felt anything at all. They had to keep on increasing and switch me over to Klonopin for me to get any sort of relief. So you can see there's quite a difference. Still, when she tells me how she's suffered/suffering, I'm empathizing all the way. She switches between trying to empathize and then chastising and saying we're dysfunctional.

I didn't call her yesterday to tell her the plan so she is probably angry and who knows what I'll do about gifts. I took a Klonopin in anticipation of calling her, but then IBS hit and I never did. If I tell her that, she'll just blow it off because she hasn't had IBS a day in her life.

Isn't it warped that I have to take a Klonopin to talk to my mother? She can make me so angry and frustrated that I have to go into the conversation as relaxed as I can be or my heart starts racing and palpitating and it gets ugly.

She is very big on appearances. Part of this is because she wants to see me, but a huge part is so she can tell her sister and friends that they spent a normal family Christmas with me.

Wish me luck, gang! I'm going to need it when I call her today (25th).

[geisha75]

Oh my gosh, I can't take Facebook anymore. Everyone is posting about their loving families and Norman Rockwell Christmases and I feel like some evil gnome for wanting to spend the day without anyone here. Mental illness robs you of so much, but something tells me I'd be feeling this way with or without anxiety.

In the meantime, insomnia has taken over and the dread of calling my mother is setting in badly. I feel nauseous.

[0w6c379]

I am so sorry you have bad anxiety. I realize seeing the family will be very hard but i think it is so important to see your parents and grandmother. You are their only child but even if you had a sibling, I don't see how that would make up for your absence. There is only one YOU! Good luck today!

[unaluna]

I'm sorry but I disagree. I think if it makes you sick, then you have to take care of you. The old people have each other. Obviously they didn't take care of you the way they should have, for whatever reason. Yes, there is only one of you. Let's keep that you alive. I know that the only reason my mother wants to see me is because people are asking her about me and she doesn't know what to say. That's HER problem, not mine! All she really cares about is seeing my brother. I lived with her for 3 years and she couldn't be nice to me for one single day. It's time to face the truth about our families. My mother insults my therapists also. You decide where you are happier.

You are very important. Your thoughts, feelings, who you are as a person, as a whole. If the thought of spending time with your family creates so much stress, you have to take medication, it is in your best interest to not see them. Caring for yourself, including your health, should be your #1 priority. Whether they get it or not. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

In order for you to get back on track, it is important that you remove yourself from the stressors that make you sick and start working on understanding why you feel sick or anxious or panicked when subjected to them.

The people that love you and care about you will understand. The ones that do not give you space and respect are the ones to stay away from.

I can completely understand what you are writing about. And there is nothing wrong with you that a little bit of T and a loving, supportive group of people cannot help resolve the symptoms. I write symptoms because the intense anxiety, fear, depriving yourself of nourishment...those are in place to help you cope. I am willing to bet that the people you feel sickest around are the same ones that got you to this point.

It is the best gift you can give yourself: peace. Take good care. Be kind to yourself and honor yourself. However you feel or what you are thinking, you are an adult. You owe no explanations other than an "I am sorry but I am not feeling well. We will have to pick this up another time."

[liveforfish]

Hey if you're sick, you're sick. You're not lying, especially w/ IBS. Of course stress makes IBS worse as you know.

Screw it, your family can live without you one year.

Sounds like mental illness is on both sides of the family and you got a double dose. My family too.

[geisha75]

Thank you all so much. Things went better than expected as my mom couldn't talk long because they were headed out to a restaurant for an early dinner. I realized I included my grandma in my statement about them making me nervous, but my grandma is not a grudge-holder or someone who judges me. My reason for my anxiety around her is because she always wants me to eat more, but it comes out of a place of love and she doesn't realize what it does to me.

So today my mom wished me a Merry Christmas and just asked me to call my grandma afterward. I didn't have to speak to my dad, which was a relief, sorry to say. I called my grandma and told her, "I'm sorry, I know this isn't what we planned," and she said, "It's OK, honey, I understand." Wow, those words were just like salve on a wound. My grandma has never had a mean bone in her body and is always much more forgiving. She was sometimes the buffer when I was a kid and upset about my father.

I think I know where my hypochondria and other problems came from. First off, the eating thing came from being pressured to eat more and more by family. My parents didn't do it as much, but my paternal grandparents especially put the pressure on. My grandma and Italian grandfather would also do it an extent because good meals is love to them. I was a picky eater and never had a gigantic appetite, so I struggled with it. The hypochondria probably stemmed from my grandpa having heart surgery and my mom going into full-on healthy eating mode and telling us about what would clog our arteries and cause heart problems. She meant well and to help her father, but man, it was rigid. Her friend joked that one day she was going to throw her into a vat of egg yolks and my mother didn't like that one bit.

Anxiety was always there, but IBS and I believe what were mini-panic attacks hit at 13. I would sit in my room shaking and cutting myself with a safety pin. My mom's response to that was, "Please don't do that! You'll give yourself an infection! How would you like to lose an arm from that?" My husband said my upbringing was a comedy of errors and that's why I have so many hangups and mental blocks.

She still blames my grandpa for not wearing his blood pressure patch, which probably led to the stroke and heart failure that ultimately took his life. I keep telling her he had dementia and didn't know better, but she holds a grudge. He wasn't the best father to her and a grouchy man, but he was the best grandfather you could ask for and I'm very protective of him and his memory.

Liveforfish, yes, mental illness runs deeply in my family. There is a very strong history of anxiety on my mother's side of the family, including my mom, and my paternal grandma has it to a degree. My dad, well, I don't know what his problem is other than his upbringing was very bad and I think somewhere along the way (maybe from the military?) he just turned into a stiff, nitpicking man.

He used to sit down to help me with my homework and because he was a draftsman back in the day, he'd criticize my utensils and even my handwriting. "What is this? HB lead? This is too soft! You need a #2 pencil! What kind of eraser is this? Can't you find something that erases clean? You're mailing a letter like *that*? This five looks like an eight!! And on it went. To this day, when I make out envelopes to him, I write as carefully as possible or even print it out in a clear font. He nitpicks at my mother too, and I think it might be a reason why she's depressed. He gave her grief about her font for Christmas cards.

If you're ignorant about a subject, he will say, "Didn't you learn that in eighth grade? C'mon, this is basic knowledge!"

He also prints like an automaton. You wouldn't believe what his lettering looks like. It's so controlled and perfect that you would think it was from a computer.

So that's a bit of my history. It feels good just to say it somewhere other than the years I spent in therapy where my therapist never had much to say of any value and just offered sympathy. Writing it out is better.

Already I am dreading 2013. I feel like it's a very unlucky number and something awful will happen this year. I read an article last night about a woman whose fiance dropped dead at age 40, and it terrified me and I took it as a premonition. This is what my mind does to me on a regular basis.

Sorry for writing another book and thank you all for responding and letting me ramble.

[PsycheSeas]

Hello geisha75, its nice to meet you. Let me introduce myself, I am a psychologist and I can understand your problem and anxiety. You mentioned that you are an only daughter and you have no other sibling. Only children canm suffer from some psychological problems but only children are also more likely to uncover their talents and abilities and achieve more in life.

Looks like you do not suffer from any problems with addiction and the law. Just anxiety, in fact a lot of anxiety which is triggered by family members. I recommend Subliminal music and self hypnosis for your anxiety

http://soundanxietytreatment.com/

Being anxious when family is coming over is alright. Many other people are also going through the same feelings. It looks like you are not very close to your parents. Maybe because your father is a little emotionally detached perhaps. Christmas Eve is the type to let go of these feelings of emotional detachment. This is the holiday to come closer not only as a a family but at heart too. This eve do not panic just enjoy. Listen to the relaxing music mentioned above and I bet you will feel better.

Please tell me about your experience with the subliminal music and family get together.