Anxiety over work -- to do it or not to do it

It's hard for me to dedicate myself to my work. I periodically/constantly have anxiety that I'm being taken advantage of, that I'm allowing myself to be controlled by authority figures, etc. While I'm at work it's easy to work on other things - I can lose myself in outside projects and side tasks - but when I'm not at work, I'm not as able to lose myself in these same things -- I can feel like it's no longer exciting, etc.

So in general, it's hard to lose myself and "just work." My job is good, I like it, but I have anxiety about feeling "trapped" 'til I can leave, etc. It can make me feel helpless and dominated. I don't want to have that anxiety, but I also don't want to feel like I'm ignoring my feelings and thoughts; I want to know if something is really wrong, but I don't know if there is.

It almost seems sometimes like I want to have the anxiety; like I want the uncomfortableness and pressure. I just dunno if that's the case, though; I'm so confused.

And I should add that, a lot of the time I indulge more in negative thinking and negative predictions rather than just letting myself be in the moment. How can I treat that?

Any wisdom you can share is very welcome

Thanks,
Sean

Have you talked to a T about this?

Once or twice. At the time, I said that I liked writing and thought I might want to pursue it in some manner, and he suggested that I was in a transition period. I don't know that I am, but it did and still does make me feel good to think that I'm moving towards something that I can feel calm and happy while doing.

The thing is that I think I like what I do. I'm a software engineer. I went to school for it, and went back and forth about whether it was right for me. I do like thinking about Computer Science issues, and programming. But lately I've been working on more cutting-edge and theoretical topics in my off-time, and I *really* like that. And it makes me want to go back to school. I had a class last fall, and it was great and made me want to go back to school too.

But, there are moments when I lose myself in my work. So I feel like I'm stressing myself out with negative thoughts, which I do in other parts of my life. How can I deal with those?

I want confidence, strength, and authority. I have been gaining these things more and more over the past year, but still struggle with some things. Any wisdom you all can lend is most appreciated.

I should mention that I am on Adderall XR and am trying to figure out if I do have ADD.

Thanks

Parsifal, tell me if this resonates for you. It seems to me this is what you are trying to communicate, though I may be wrong about it.
That you feel alive when you are fully engaged in meaningful activity. That when you are engaged there is an anxiety of having "lost yourself" and it feels confining, restrictive. But when you are not fully engaged you feel anxious, you are like floating around. Being fully engaged structures you. And at the same time makes you feel confined, dominated. The question is, how can I engage fully in meaningful work (and relationships?) yet avoid feeling trapped. To be fully engaged yet feel a sense of authority.
How far off am I? Totally off? If this doesn't sit well with you, I can just delete this post.
Take good care of yourself!

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. The question is, how can I engage fully in meaningful work (and relationships?) yet avoid feeling trapped.

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That part alone resonates. The relationship part doesn't, necessarily, or at least not in the same way. In relationships in the past, I haven't been as respectful of my own needs as I should have been, but I have been much better lately. But I enjoy being in relationships, and I am very happy in my current one, and am very comfortable committing to someone.

But with jobs, I have a sort of oppositional/combative relationship, in my mind. It's like, if I allow myself to do my job, I take the risk of doing things that are unethical or a "waste of time." That's how it feels, anyway. I was the same way in school. These things feel like they could be symptoms of ADD, and I'm reading more about ADD now. So feel free to explore that as a cause. I should mention that last fall, I took a course at University that I loved, and I was on ADD medication at the time, too. It all makes me want to go back to school and go for a Ph D and research theoretical topics. That sounds great to me.

Thanks
Sean