[TroubledPast581]

Hi Folks,

I've been sitting at this computer for a long time now, wondering if I should post at all, and finally decided to just do it - although, I'm still unsure whether this is the appropriate forum; but stress, anxiety & panic are the real issues I am coming here to deal with, so I hope you'll forgive me if this is a little out of place or belongs in another forum. I’d also like to apologize in advance for the length. Years of stuff to explain requires a lot of words.

My goal here, is not to beat myself up, but to admit my guilt in the wrongdoings I have been part of in an honest attempt to admit my faults as a person, so I can find a productive and peaceful way pas them. I don’t believe I am a “bad” person, but I have made horrible mistakes in my life, and I need suggestions how I can move on from them.

When I was about 12 (more than 20 years ago), I lived in a different part of the country – a different state. As a confused adolescent whose parents never talked to me or educated me about sex, I became curious (let me make it clear though, that I am not blaming anyone for anything that occurred – including my parents. My actions were mine, and mine only). Rather than read, ask questions, etc., about sex, like I should have done, I took a route that unfortunately, negatively impacted other people. I experimented with both my sister, who was several years younger than me, with my toddler cousin once, and with a toddler I babysat who was far younger than I. This was not “normal” experimentation. It went too far, and I know that. I will not post details, but it went well beyond normal “children’s play”, although fell well short of any intercourse or penetration. Additionally, I also very slightly experimented with household pets (yes, it disgusts me now too to think about it).

I can honestly say that fortunately, I was caught. I was subsequently arrested, sent to court, counseling, probation, etc. I am honestly so thankful that I was caught, because I can honestly say it fixed me. I recall standing outside church with my mom one day when she found out (this was before court), and she cried as she said to me “You’re ruining your life!” I don’t know what it was about that moment, but it flipped a switch in me. Since that day, I have NEVER been inappropriate, or even interested in any way with children, animals, etc. again.

Fast forward 13 years or so. I had met my wife (then girlfriend), and we were living together. Our relationship was good, and I can’t honestly point to any one thing that was negatively impacting us. I was on a business trip, met up with an old girlfriend (my first love, we had both lost our virginity to each other, etc.,), and one thing led to another (do the math).

About 5 minutes after “it” was over, I was an emotional wreck, crying and sobbing like I hadn't done since I was a kid. It was in that moment that another “switch” was flipped, and I went home and asked her to marry me. We have now been happily married more than 5 years, although I hadn't told her about what had happened at this point.

Fast forward. We are still married, with 2 kids of our own, who are the loves of our lives. I would die before letting anything harm them, and I honestly would kill myself before personally causing them any harm (that's not a threat of suicide or anything, by the way, just a statement that I couldn't bare to cause them any harm).

About a year or so ago, my wife and I were in a bit of a rut – married for a while, 2 kids, no family or help here, both work, etc. Our “intimate” life had been pretty much non-existent since our second boy was born, and so one night, after the kids were in bed, she went to bed about 8 pm. I got frustrated with her (that was her routine at the time), and said I was going out. I went to a Strip Club and while there went too far. No actual sex, but enough other stuff happened. I can honestly say I intended to go to the club, and maybe even get a lap dance or something, but I had not intended for that to happen; in other words, it wasn't intentional or malicious towards her or anything...at least not consciously. Either way, again, not reliving myself of my actions, just trying to be honest.

I came home, took a shower, and was a wreck that whole weekend. My wife could obviously tell something was wrong. At first, I told her I went to a bar, hooked up with a group of bachelor party guys, and wound up at the club with them. It took a few days, but eventually the true details of that night all came to light, including that I went there on my own, that I had plenty of chances to stop & walk out, exactly what happened, etc.

She was naturally very hurt. She cried, yelled, etc., but eventually forgave me. It actually even made our intimate life better, because according to her, it made her a bit jealous.

Things went really well for us for a long time. Then, for whatever reason, one night, we were lying in bed, and the image of 7 years prior (the former girlfriend) came into my mind. It threw me into an absolute panic attack, and I couldn't sleep, eat, etc. The next day (or maybe a day or two later) I told her everything. I also told her that as much as I hate that it happened, it brought me to the point where I knew I wanted nothing but her, so I was, in a way, happy for where it brought us.

She, rightly so, said “if that’s the case and you knew you wanted me, then why did the stripper thing happen?” She had me there. I didn't have an answer, but once again, we were able to work through it. (Yes, I know, I have an amazing wife. I don’t deserve her right now, but have dedicated myself to earning the chances she gave me for the rest of our lives.)

Fast forward (again), to about a month ago. Lying in bed, for whatever reason, my mind connected back to what had happened 20+ years ago when I was a kid. Although it had nothing to do with her, I told her everything, crime, arrest, kids, animals, etc. We even called my parents and spoke with them about it since they had a clearer memory of what happened than I did (since I was only 12).

Although she was disturbed by the details, talking to my parents, who made her realize this kind of thing happens a LOT (more than anyone cares to admit), helped her. We are now doing really well as a couple. AGAIN, not condoning what I did, but she realized that it does happen to lots of other people and that it didn't necessarily make me a "freak" at age 12 when I really didn't know what I was doing.

Here is the thing though. NOW, my mind id connecting back to things I thought of doing, but never did. For example, her younger (but of legal age) sister and mom were staying with us for a while. One of my “interests” has always been voyeurism (legally, of course, or through porn, etc.). I had the idea of putting a hidden cam in the shower, to catch them all showering (not together, obviously) – including my wife.

I never went through with it, never bought any equipment, etc. It remains a "fantasy", although not with her sister or mom or anything. I know it’s illegal to secretly tape someone, even in your own home – so I never did it (for other reason as well, not just the illegality of it). BUT, in the spirit of being truly honest with my wife about everything, I told her the thought had crossed my mind. She really had no real problem with this one. She said everyone has thoughts, fantasies, etc. She asked me point blank “Did you sleep with my mom or sister”, “was there any physical contact”, etc., but there had not been, so she said it was okay and really no big deal.

SO, this brings us to today. To the best of my memory (you don’t have to believe me but why would I lie to strangers), I have told her every indiscretion I can remember ever having, whether when I was with her or not. I have been and am continuing to use all of this to make myself a better person. I have rededicated myself to my wife and kids, and spend more time with them, less time on the computer or watching TV, etc.

But I still feel tremendous guilt, anxiety, shame, etc., whenever any of these events pop into my head. My wife says “its okay, and that I need to work through it”, but she also says I need to start getting over it. “It happened, it’s in the past, you resolved that you aren't going to do it again”, etc.

I know it hasn't been long, but I can honestly say now that sex plays far less a role in my life as a result of all this. I am still interested in it, and attracted to my wife, but it no longer feels like a driving force or controlling factor in my life, like it did before. I don’t feel the same drive I used to (even just a few months or a year back), so I know and believe now that I am on the right path.

BUT my problem is all the guilt and anxiety. It is wreaking havoc on my ability to sleep, my sex drive, my diet (and subsequently my body), which in turn takes a toll on my family and relationship with my wife.

I admitted EVERYTHING (I can think of) to her, so HOW do I get past these feelings of guilt and why are they still so strong, when she has forgiven me for all of it? The people in my life who need to know (wife, etc.) know and have forgiven me, but I can’t see m to forgive myself and move past it all.

I feel like for some reason I need to atone for these mistakes or something. I don’t know what to do to start moving past it and realizing that “they were definitely bad choices” but that those choices don’t have to determine who I am now.

I am looking for help, thoughtful comments, suggestions, etc., regarding how to move on from this. I won't ever forget what happened (I don’t want to, since it is keeping me on the right path), but being able to sleep and function normally is something I need to get back to.

I know that as the “abuser” or as the one at fault, there could be hateful comments. I really hope that my sincerity and tone can be understood, even if only by text, and that you’ll know how sorry I am for what I have done, the hurt that I caused, etc. My hope is that I can get some productive advice on how to move on from this guilt. If my honesty isn't enough, perhaps the fact that I admitted all this rather than being "caught" will serve some purpose as well.

I know that these kinds of things will NEVER happen again, and I can only say that because I will NEVER put myself into a situation again where it could potentially happen. Saying no while it's happening is tougher than just avoiding being in a situation where it could happen, right?

Knowing what I know now, and trying to be the best person, dad and husband I can be, how do I move on and be a happy person, knowing my own past?

Any thoughts, suggestions, or even just words of encouragement that I am doing the rights things are more than welcome. I could use a little moral support at this point – especially from people who have no personal connection or personal investment in me - but I also understand how that could be difficult.

Looking for a little help, but in any case, thanks for listening/reading.

Sincerely,

Troubled Past

[optimize990h]

Hello TroubledPast. I noticed this was your first post here at PC.



I assume you received counselling when you were younger. It might be a good idea if you did get a therapist so that you would have a goal focused treatment plan as a supplement to posting here at PC.

I see that you have posted in the correct forum. So I assume you are able to navigate about this web site and find information resources that will help you work through this process.

There are opinions that guilt is part of the reason that perpetuates in obsessive compulsive disorders. This is not to suggest this is involved with what you described. But it involves the topic of anxiety and defence mechanisms that needs a therapist involvement. That is the reason I suggest the possibility of a therapist.

If support and feedback from PC members are adequate for your needs, then it is good that you have become a member.

[TroubledPast581]

Thanks for responding Optimize. I have actually contacted a therapist and am seeing him for the first time in about an hour.

I also did receive counseling when I was younger, but I don't think the real truth of all this hit when I was that age.

I am definitely not trying to escape myself out of penalty or consequence for my actions. I just want to do the rights things and be a better person for my wife and kids (as well as others), and earn the chances I have been given.

I suppose it comes off as sort of selfish asking for encouragement, but since when I think of these things, I consider myself to be a monster (at the time), it would be nice to know that it might not be true.

In any case, thanks for the warm welcome, and for your advice.

[Good Friday]

You admitted your guilt, and you are ashamed of what you've done. You ve been told that alll those wrong things you ve done are in the past, still you think that all those things are what you are today. That is not what you are , that is what you were. Today, you are conscience-stricken and may be stack with the thoughts of guilt and endless analysing of your sexuality and wrong/right sexual life over the time of your marriage.
I think, you need to try to stop focusing on what your body wants or does not. You need to replace your guilty thoughts or analysing ones with smth different: hobbies, sport, reading bible (will help you to understand that you are forgiven if you deeply repent).
Also, good to know that you and your wife are that close and you can share with her your innermost, you'd better to cut off on communicating to her everything coming into your mind as she might see you in a weird way after all and simply get tired of that.
The time you did your "experiments" happened to you because you did not know that not every thought and every sexual need you need to act on. Nobody taught you, that mostly in our life we have to stop ourselves from what our physical body wants. It wants nothing but find the pleasure. Physical needs took over your mind and soul at some point of your past.
Today, do not be afraid of your inappropriate fantasizing, try simply to ignore them. They just thoughts and they will remain thoughts unless you try to act on them.
I apologize for my post to look like an orders giving but I just empathize with your repentance and wish your family lack and wisdom to you in the future.
You might want to read the Bible, you won’t feel sorry for that.

[kaliope]

You have good insight in knowing that you need to forgive yourself. It is probably this lack of forgiveness that is creating the anxiety and sleepless nights. Therapy will help you thru this process. Try seeing yourself thru your wife's eyes since you seem unable to remove the judgement from your own. You have made amends in your life thru your behaviors. There is little more you can do but learn to look at yourself differently.