[unfuntionablytired]

Okay, so the day has come. Next weekend is a family reunion. I cant fully explain the "severity" of my story without dipping into my entire life, so here I go. I have a pretty traditional large mexican family. There are a bunch of families and then my family and obviously the mothers of each family(my aunts) all gather and gossip and then theres the fathers, my uncles, and theres my cousins and we are all expected to hang out , which we used to do wonderfully. My family is the black sheep family. We are the only ones with convictions, who dropped our religions, who dont have a mom, who smoke, you name it. Im the daughter, 16. Then theres my dad, younger biological brother, and my two older half brothers. My mom left us for her drugs and thats the end of that, no hard feelings to be honest. My oldest half brother, ugh. He raped me when i was young a bunch of times over a period of years. Hes at least 7 years older than me and i was around 6 at the time. So we were both considerably young and for the sake of my father and family, ive forced myself to get over it and move on. He only visited on weekends anyways, on days where i would have to hide in my room and avoid everyone. He moved away got a life and then only a few months ago was arrested. Hes been living at our house awaiting court ever since. Its been terrible but after going through what ive gone through, ive been able to put on a strong face and become accustomed to just always being in my room. The only problem is, its destroyed my relationship with my other two brothers who i really love and look to for company. Its rendered me silent because there is literally no one to talk to at all. And due to my anxiety i started homeschool before my brother even moved back in so i have no friends at all and no one to vent to ever. I literally only say about 4 words a day. Well ive honestly been coping fine, waiting for court to come. Here are where the real problems are. The two events, losing my mom, and being forced to live a door away from my rapist, have turned me into the lamest kid ever. Another factor of my loneliness. I just, give life zero effort , i see through everyone in an empathetic yet cynical way and am just uninterested in getting to know anyone who doesnt reach my newly founded standards of friendship. And my location means i hardly see any other teenagers anyway. So the problem, next weekend is a family reunion. For an entire WEEKEND. 100 MILES AWAY FROM HOME. I cant do it. A year ago when my dad began planning it, i told myself i would kill myself before enduring 48 hours like that. Now the time is here and im running out of options. The reason i dont want to go is because of this: Once we arrive to any family event- my little brother runs to his male cousins whos conversations im excluded from obviously- my older brother is older and i havent made the opportunity to build a relationship with him because his older brother raped me- my dad runs off to be with his cousins- my female cousins sit with their moms and are two inches deep. I DONT HAVE A MOM. WHERE DO I GO? Its not just that im socially awkward due to life mistakes i had no control over, but since my oldest brother is out on bail and this is his last chance to see his entire family before being locked up again for good, he i most definitely coming. And that means family members asking about my reactions to his new arrival in my home again, and our relationship. And the distance between us will be so blatant. I cant pretend in front of so many eyes im normal. I can withstand an hour, i can hardly , but still, withstand three. But three DAYS? Friday, Saturday and Sunday!? I cant do it. I told my dad, begged him, please just let me stay, but all of a sudden im turned in to the selfish one. I literally dont have a choice. He has made it firmly clear that i dont have a choice whether i want to go or not, im going. He says itd be an insult, and embarrassment if i didnt. But i really cant go, i dont want to and i cant i just cant cant cant cant cant. I would rather fall off a five story building. what do i do? I cant help but feel if my mom were coming this would be so much easier, i forgot to mention, EVERYONE in my family except me and my brothers speaks spanish. My moms black so he, my brother and i dont speak it and if she came wed be inseparable. But she cant and i dont know what to do. HELP SOMEONE. Im so afraid. I dont want to be singled out AGAIN for three days in front of the same people im supposed to call family.))))));

[Nobodyandnothing]

Oh honey, I wish I could help you. You are in a very bad situation. Does your father know about your abuse? Why would he allow your older brother anywhere near you? You need help so you are not alone. Do you have access to anyone you can talk to? Old teacher, clergy, anyone? How old are you? Who homeschools you, your dad?

I am sorry for all the questions but having some additional information may assist in developing some suggestions.

In the meantime, I am thinking about you and praying for you.

ps...please consider changing your user name. It certainly does not describe you.

True, change that username.

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by Nobodyandnothing

Oh honey, I wish I could help you. You are in a very bad situation. Does your father know about your abuse? Why would he allow your older brother anywhere near you? You need help so you are not alone. Do you have access to anyone you can talk to? Old teacher, clergy, anyone? How old are you? Who homeschools you, your dad?

I am sorry for all the questions but having some additional information may assist in developing some suggestions.

In the meantime, I am thinking about you and praying for you.

ps...please consider changing your user name. It certainly does not describe you.

my dad knows but he just doesnt believe me i guess. he avoids it and he tries to rationalize it and break it down into seeming not that bad which is a pisser but it was so long ago that theres nothing i could do . and my brother even has a girlfriend now and tries to be really nice and make up for it, but at the same time pretends it never happened so its just all really frustratingly confusing. point is, its not like hes going to rape me again. it was years ago and ended. im not necessarily homeschooled, i attend a learning center twice a week at the mall. im 16. and i used to go to therapy but its over now, nothing anyone tells me is going to change anything and im not religious anymore so i just have to learn to deal with it best i can alone. my oldest brother has no where to go and regardless of what he did, my dad is still his dad so its not like i can stop their relationship over something he did while he was a teenager no matter how bad its ruined my life. especially since ive put on such a great fake smile for so long, literally no one takes it seriously. he thinks i was somehow involved in it willingly which is sickeningly disgusting and a lie, but itd hurt my dad too much to correct and without my mom, itd be too awkward to explain in detail how forceful and against my will it was. im seriously alone in this.

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by wonderingaboutme1

True, change that username.

i like the username though. its a song by hole and it means a lot to me.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by retardgirl

i like the username though. its a song by hole and it means a lot to me.

Hole - Retard Girl Lyrics | SongMeanings

"Don't throw her away." Fair enough, hun. It was actually your username that drew me to your post. It tested my comfort zone/levels. After reading the comments under the meanings

Sounds like you are going to be like a stranger in a foreign land. Are there any cousins that you can gravitate to? Are there means, to just get yourself into a quiet place, to be alone, under a tree in a backyard or anything like that, away from your abuser?
Will you have any online access? A phone app, that you can try, such as a voice activated translator? Have you been there before? I realize your mom won't be there, isn't there, at least 1 relative you can gravitate towards?
Will there be little kids, you can mind? Anything, anything at all so that you aren't feeling as hopeless?

[unfuntionablytired]

"Don't throw her away." Fair enough, hun. It was actually your username that drew me to your post. It tested my comfort zone/levels. After reading the comments under the meanings

Sounds like you are going to be like a stranger in a foreign land. Are there any cousins that you can gravitate to? Are there means, to just get yourself into a quiet place, to be alone, under a tree in a backyard or anything like that, away from your abuser?
Will you have any online access? A phone app, that you can try, such as a voice activated translator? Have you been there before? I realize your mom won't be there, isn't there, at least 1 relative you can gravitate towards?
Will there be little kids, you can mind? Anything, anything at all so that you aren't feeling as hopeless?

[/QUOTE]

i have cousins that speak english but they dont like me because after i went through my depression i changed and strayed away from them. they treat me awfully different now and socializing with people like that drains me. we will be in the mountains so i wont have electronics. i will be able to avoid my brother but thats what im afraid of. being so obviously alientated in front of my family when i know they are aware of a time when i was never like this but too careless to do anything. i just dont want to go. i dont i dont i dont, im in a ****** state right now.

I like the double meaning after reading up on the song. Your family situation sounds rough. Perhaps you can bring gifts to those family members you think have a better chance of conversing with you, if you are brave enough to exclude a large number of them (maybe you can give gifts exclusively to your aunts and uncles). This way, you have the opportunity to have dialogues with all of them and that could trickle down to the rest of your family.

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by wonderingaboutme1

I like the double meaning after reading up on the song. Your family situation sounds rough. Perhaps you can bring gifts to those family members you think have a better chance of conversing with you, if you are brave enough to exclude a large number of them (maybe you can give gifts exclusively to your aunts and uncles). This way, you have the opportunity to have dialogues with all of them and that could trickle down to the rest of your family.

it would be fake and kissassy of me, considering no one else in my family does that type of stuff. my dad would have to drive me to the mall an id have to explain it and itd just be really weird man.... plus they speak spanish so.. impossible. im really honestly screwed. i appreciate the advice though.

[atomicc]

That must be really difficult for you to handle. It seems like you may Just have to go unwillingly, but a lot of people gave some advice and you should try it. If you have to go then try and make the best of it. Hang out with the little kids, try and teach them stuff, do a little crafts project with them. Children won't judge you and they can lift your spirits. If anyone gives you crap tell them you're interested in working with kids, it's an admirable job!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by retardgirl

it would be fake and kissassy of me, considering no one else in my family does that type of stuff. my dad would have to drive me to the mall an id have to explain it and itd just be really weird man.... plus they speak spanish so.. impossible. im really honestly screwed. i appreciate the advice though.

Bringing food, would that seem fake? My kids' family, is primarily Hispanic, bringing food, is the utmost display of respect.

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Bringing food, would that seem fake? My kids' family, is primarily Hispanic, bringing food, is the utmost display of respect.

from me it would because im so young and its so out of the ordinary for anyone other than my mom to be doing it. Its just awkward with the initial judgements they already have of me , adding that would make me stand out and i just dont want to do that. although i really do appreciate the suggestion. i think im gonna take atommics advice and hang out with the little kids. they are lovely and judgement free. ((;

[unfuntionablytired]

Originally Posted by atomicc

That must be really difficult for you to handle. It seems like you may Just have to go unwillingly, but a lot of people gave some advice and you should try it. If you have to go then try and make the best of it. Hang out with the little kids, try and teach them stuff, do a little crafts project with them. Children won't judge you and they can lift your spirits. If anyone gives you crap tell them you're interested in working with kids, it's an admirable job!

thanks, thats a good idea. no one can give me crap if im babysitting their kids. (:

[Nobodyandnothing]

If this is your mom's family, her sisters may be very sweet to you. I can't imagine not loving my sister's children no matter how messed up my sister is. Maybe it will be ok but the idea of playing with the kids is a good one. Could you take a soccer ball with you? Kisd love soccer.