[Melmo]

I know some people love to give / recurve hugs, and I do too but not from people I'm not close to or comfortable with. I'm more of a standoffish person except when I drink then I'm very cuddly (a guy I dated made a comment about it because he was surprised I was so affectionate.)
A guy I know who has a crush on me but I told him I'm not I interested is a hug type person and he makes me uncomfortable when the way he talks when we talk on fb about hugging me, kissing my forehead etc he's a sweet guy but I don't want someone in my personal bubble!
If you have anxiety like this, how do you handle it?

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[avlady]

I sometimes get like get out of my space with my husband, i feel terrible when i cant give him what he wants, but he doesn't mind he knows me well enough than to pull the moves on me when im doing not so good. He will just hug me tight instead and is very understanding, but i do feel bad for not being able to be there for him when he needs me, i am very needy and hate myself for it, but i just grew up neglected in a family of 13.

[shezbut]

I am very similar. I typically don't feel comfortable enough to let my guards down, unless I have drank alcohol. I feel like a jerk for having this very stand-offish trait, I really do hate it!

There are sober times that I let my guard down as well though. Those are special times that assure those that I'm with that I really do care about them & that I do enjoy being with them. They get to see me in that different light every now and then...and those are special times for us. Special times that we enjoy looking back upon.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I'm pretty similar, OP. I don't quite know how or if I handle it - I guess my demeanor often lets people know. "Standoffish" is probably how you'd describe me. I CAN be entirely the opposite, but that's something that occurs with a with a partner, and that depends on how I feel about them, how comfortable I feel with them, whether I trust them, etc ... the rest tends to be a brief manly hug, and that's it, ... failing that, a decent hug with my dad or, less often, my step-mother. xD

As for online, all those endearing actions; I do them when I would actually do them in real life, had I the opportunity. So, if I say --> *hugs* <-- I genuinely imagine hugging the person, ... because I've been like that for so long, it makes me really uncomfortable, sometimes, when others constantly "hug" me, online, ... because I know I wouldn't feel that comfortable in person; this is the reason for my being here for years and only having given 119 of PC's "hugs".

I guess I just take these things a little more seriously than others, ... online, there's so many empty usages, like the ever persistent "lol" when people don't even laugh, or even chuckle! Then there's all the hugs, when, in reality, I doubt they would hug that person. I'm fine with pissing about, but there's a limit to said pissing. xD 99% of the arbitrarily stated time, I at least have a good chuckle, if I put "lol", but I'm so pedantic, that I know it means "Laugh Out Loud", and so, ... a chuckle, isn't a LAUGH, it's a chuckle. :P I'm just weird like that. We need another sort of lol... one that means "I just chuckled"; good idea? xD

[Melmo]

I think it's part of the reason none of my relationships have worked out over the last almost 3 years, because they've all wanted to be overly physical and I don't like it. I haven't been able to stand up for myself and tell them I don't like it, I just go along with it then I start to not want to be with them because I just want to be alone where nobody is in my bubble touching me. I push everyone away and am the one who walks away.


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[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I can understand that, JWtBN. You need to find someone who fully understands that, and is capable of understanding when you do or don't want something. I once knew someone who struggled with a similar thing, and all it took, was for the guy to pay plenty of attention; he always tried to make sure she didn't feel pushed, pressured, or obligated.

If it's any consolation, my 2nd to last relationship likely fell to bits, because of the fact that I wasn't ready to, uhm... y'know ... I didn't trust her enough, I didn't feel even remotely that comfortable with her... obviously I couldn't tell her that, ... I did love her, but things are never that simple. She wasn't patient, like just about everything else, and she always persisted; needless to say, it never happened, thankfully, and we broke up ages ago. You HAVE to learn to speak up when you don't want to do something; this goes for everything in life. It's tough, I know, ... but find a way, even if it's a secret sorta language, ... or even just a hint, ... physical or verbal. Make sure you don't do stuff you don't want to do. I'd rather be single, than with someone who doesn't give a **** about how I feel.

[Melmo]

I know, I really do need to learn to stand up for myself. I've slept with a few guys because I felt like that's what I should do, even though I didn't really want to. I guess I just feel like there's nobody that will be willing to put up with me, I'm just too difficult.

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[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Well, if I could understand such a thing of a partner (and have done) then I'd say there's a good chance that a good number of other guys are the same way. Have faith.

Do you get any professional help, like a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a counselor? I really think you might want to bring up these intimacy issues (sorry, I'm presuming that's generally what it is) and see if you can mend some fallen bridges. My therapist is giving me CBT for my OCD, so I don't think it's appropriate to open up this sort of stuff with her, but the moment I get some more rounded help, it's something I'd love to challenge, ... but on the other hand, it has made me respectful, appreciative, and understanding, so maybe I should just deal with it - when you (general) find someone who "gets it", it really isn't all as much of a problem, or at least, that's how it was for me. I know there are women out there who "get it"; they're just very hard to find, as I'm sure it is with guys.

[ynwa1892]

I experience the same uncomfortable feelings with hugs & intimacy. I even feel uncomfortable receiving hugs from family.

I also become a little more relaxed when I'm drunk, but I still get a very uncomfortable with intimacy.

It doesn't really bother me though, as I don't desire this kind of physical interaction. I just do it a few times a year to appear normal.

I wouldn't worry too much though, as you said, you don't mind being affectionate with people you are close to and comfortable with. Surely that is all that matters? I understand though you probably don't want to come across as rude by telling someone to stop hugging you or whatever else. If a girl asks me for a hug, I generally just do it, in such a lacklustre way its even more awkward than telling them not to hug me. I'm lucky though, in the sense that even though there are girls that are attracted to me, they are intimidated of approaching me as I come across as cold and keep myself to myself.

[Melmo]

I'm not seeing anyone other than my family dr. I don't have the money to see anyone else, although I am in a free monthly support group, but I can't see myself bringing that up in front of who knows how many other people. It is basically intimacy issues. I find that the guys I've dated , while some of them being great guys, just want sex and I rarely do. This might be a result of my meds. I used to find myself just wanting to cuddle or be held without having the expectation of sex. A few times I'd lie and say I wasn't feeling good in order to get out of having sex but I guess most of the time I feel guilted into it. I still remember one time, I had really horrible sex with one guy (I was totally not into it at all) when we were finished, I rolled over and pretended to go to sleep and just cried. He watched tv. I can't help but think he must have known I was crying but just didn't care.
There have also been other times while having sex, I find it very uncomfortable or even painful and I rarely say anything, I just grit my teeth and hope its over soon. I have no backbone at all.
I'm starting to wonder if its painful/uncomfortable because I'm not into it and don't really want to have sex in the first place.
I'm so ****ed up.

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