I'm scared and no one to tell

Im just scared
terrified of these panic attacks, anxiety... the shame and guilt,
i wish i could tell my pdoc that im scared, or anyone.
the pains can be so unbearable, i just feel like i dont know what im doing anymore.. and yet i cant stop undermining my own feelings... and i can't express what needs to come out, why is there such a dark force pulling me away from my life..? consuming my soul..? i just want to feel better and to not be afraid

what a lonely road...

I am sorry you are going through this. I know how it could feel and how the fear consumes you. I just had a small attack a couple of hours ago and I feel the tension all over. I was already tense in the usual places. It is usually in my left trap and pectoral but today the pain was so bad and then the stress from work and then I could not take the kids running and yelling. I got iritated. Every time I wanted to distract myself with reading I got interupted and boom. I felt the rush of heat I began to shake my heart was racing and I was shallow breathing. I decided that I would not let it consume me and I took my deep breaths popped some asprin for my muscle pain and I went out with the family. I am not saying that it was easy but you need to tell and show your mind who is in control. It is a journey we have to take but we will overcome the fear and the pain and the illogical thoughts. Hope you feel better. If you need someone to talk to just pm me.

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i feel like i've lost an entire year with no progress, 2013 i started trying to seek help for whatever my problem was... went to GP and got prescribed zoloft and klonopin, i thought it was gonna help, and it mildly did but that was probably more a placebo effect on me as it didnt last long and had to keep increasing.. i started pursuing mental health clinic about 3 months after that and took me about 5-7 months jst to get an apt... now i've been going to the clinic for a few months and i feel like ive just been put on medicine that isnt helping, it feels hopeless... i dont like pills but it seems to be last resort as i dpnt know what else to do, the wellbutrin isnt giving me any energy or lifting my mood really.. buspar isnt dont anything for my anxiety, and i know if i take handfulls of benzos they wont work so well for too long, thursday when i go to the clinic can i ask to talk to the nurse or someone about my medicine and try to change it so i can atleast have a little relief until i can see the pdoc..? its so depressing

Just hang in there. I waited to get help also. My go did not want me to use meds. The only thing I ever took as meds was propranolol/inderal. I was on that for 6 months but it made me feel depressed. I got off because my therapist said I do not need meds. I do not like meds either. I drink teas to help me relax but the pain does not help. Are you doing cbt? Do you like your therapist? Off topic. I see you are on the east coast. So am I. Where are you from?

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yeah my therapist seems nice, and quirky in a good way she said she was going to do cbt with me but im not used to talking about anything with anyone so its been weird for me i guess, i do like her though i think she can see where im coming from... i just feel like they are going to think something wrong of me sometimes, like im just a druggy... i guess its the stigmatism..? i dunno, i just be as honest with them about everything i can and hope they believe me, you ever feel like they might be thinking "he just looking for pills" ? or similar thoughts?
my therapist doesnt emphasize on the drugs as much as trying to help me see things differently ithink, and i like it and it helps but i feel like im really really far gone in this black hole of death
im not suicidal or never have been, but im just broken spirited i guess?

i consider myself to be optimistic but a depresed optimist :/

also, i live in central Virignia

i just wish i could go in there and tell him(pdoc) what i think would work for me, but im too scared to, but i read all over the place that people build that type of relationships with their caregivers?

i've been sober for a few weeks too so ive jjust been pretty confused lately..

thanks for the reply, there is still part of a monk in me and i know this too shall pass; just these thorny bushes that have overgrown the pathway are painful

how do i get an emergency med review..?

I do not know how to get a med review but I can tell you that you are better off letting it all out at the pdoc session. It feels so good to not have that baggage. I can tell you that I ask my therapist everything. No matter how far off it is. to me it makes me feel like the doctor thinks I am really trying. They will not offer anything up until you ask. I have found that out. You need to initiate and when you do you will feel the weight being lifted. It is so liberating. You just need to let go and do ot. I know that is hard for us especially since we are so used to keeping everything in because we do not want anyone to judge us.

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thank you.. i do try but i often find myself wondering why i didnt ask more questions or state more things that re going on with me, i find it really hard to talk about myself/ my problems i just want to tell the dr that i have problems explaining the way i feel and that i dont feel well most of the time and get him off the computer taking notes and in front of me asking how im doing in all honesty i dont care what they think about me because its their job not to think personally about me ... but i still have a lot of trouble spitting out even a few words.. going to try to take my mom with me next time, or my dad

yay, i made it through the apt alive i actually enjoyed talking with her this time, my T, and they had good news about the medicine finally going through so ill have that to atleast try
i still feel anxious but it almost feels as if they are giving me mental embraces if that makes sense, showing me that there really is a different life out there to explore