[tiodlliwi]

Hi- I'm new here and a little nervous. I am pretty anxious lately and have been dealing with anxiety & depression for about 15 years now (am 26 currently). There are numerous things going on with me and I can't seem to tell up from down.

To begin, I am just a very worried, anxious, and easily excitable person. On top of that, I feel like I am at a HUGE transitional point in my life that is very ackward and unsettling And, on top of even that, I have done something that has made all of the above even more difficult.

I have been married for a little over 2 years. I had been with my fiance for 5+ years before we got engaged. While we were in engaged, I had an affair. I was about to graduate college, get my first real job, get married and my anxiety peaked to the point where I felt I needed to go on Paxil. It helped with the anxiety- but I didn't feel any emotion at all. I was not myself. Please don't judge me because this is not something I am proud of. In fact, I carry the guilt with me every day of my life like a back pack.

I did not tell my husband until about a year into the marriage (when I got off the medication) and it is something that we've really been working on. After over a year, I can say that it seems that he is dealing with it much better than I am. I think about it all the time, wonder if people around me know about the horrible thing I've done and feel like everyone is judging me.

I am seeing a therapist to work on the guilt and the anxiety. I just often times lately feel crazy. My anxiety has taken over completely. I worry about death, money, will I ever be a mother? will I be a good mother or a crazy mother who always deals with these "bouts"? I often come home from work and just cry or stand in the kitchen because I don't know what to do with myself. My husband is SO supportive, especially given the circumstances. However, after months of this high amount of anxiousness and depression, it's draining him- he sees it as though no matter what, I'm still not happy. Maybe it's true- I don't know what makes me happy anymore.

I've always been so close and so dependent on my parents (I'm the baby of the family) but I'm at a point in my life where I feel I cannot or DO NOT want to turn to them to pick up the pieces. Not to mention I know that, although they would always love me, they would be very judgemental and not at all supportive. However, I feel so much shame and guilt that it feels like I'm starting to isolate myself from friends and family because I don't want anyone to know about our past OR to know that my anxiety is this out of control.

My parents, brothers, and all other relatives are starting to really ask alot about "when are you going to have kids?" This is just not something I am prepared to even think about right now but at the same time, is all I can think about sometimes. Am I even making any sense anymore?

Does anyone have any advice, support, or words of wisdom at all? I want to make my marriage work, but more importantly, I do want to work on MYSELF- which is also the key to making ANY of my other relationships work (husband, friends, family, etc)

Please help!

[okiedokie]

Hi there!
First let me welcome you to PC! I think you will find the support you are looking for here.

Bless your heart! You do sound as if you're having a difficult time right now. It sounds as if your husband has forgiven you and wants to move on. I'm wondering why you're having such a hard time forgiving yourself? Do you know what made you go out of your marriage in the first place? Perhaps figuring that piece out would be helpful to you.

I could have written what you wrote 20 years ago! Please try to not be so hard on yourself. Check back in with your physician and let him/her know your experience with Paxil. With your input I'm sure your doc can come up with something that works for you.
Good luck and please keep posting letting us know how you are doing.

Take care,
Okie

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are feeling better at this time. I really hope that you check witht the Dr and have the Dr give you something to take so that you do not have to suffer to this degree, with the recurring thoughts, and obsessive rationalizing. As you said you were not yourself, and you should try to let the past go if your husband is not blaming you for what happened. A good therapist and psych Dr can help you to move on perhaps you have been trying too hard to helpo yourself when you need professional help to move on with your life, and possibly medication, until you are strong enough not to blame yourself and obsess about the affair. I hope things get better for you soon take care let us know how everything goes in the future with the Dr. and your therapy welcome to PC sincerely Soidhonia

[mommy3]

You have to leave the past in the past dear! Try to move on and see everyday be a sweet new start. Good luck on your journey. Blessings!

[abilifyguy]

I agree with Soidhonia. When moving on is too much easier said than done, you need professional help. From your post you sound like you have some pretty significant anxiety problems. No one should have to live with that. You can get help and get relief. Keep posting! We're listening.

Good luck and welcome to PC!

[tiodlliwi]

Thanks to all for the supportive advice and, mainly, an ear! I am working with a therapist that I'm very happy with and have made small steps- learning to practice better "self talk", deep breathing, and standing up for myself. My main problem is just letting things get to the point (such as last night) where everything feels wrong and I, in turn feel hopeless. I am still hesitent to go back on the meds- I read pretty horrible stuff about them and did not have an easy time getting off of them, etc. Some of my strategies are going to be: daily walks, journaling, AND ( ! ) a decision I made today is to actually maybe open up with more people- including family. If someone seems concerned (even if it's just my perception) I can just let them in on the fact that my anxiety is high lately- without delving into everything else. My parents understand about the anxiety because they have delt with it on and off throughout their lives, too. That way, I won't feel like I'm shutting people out- in fact, maybe it will broaden my support network. ALSO, if I don't call as often or feel in the mood to entertain, etc. they will have a better understanding than knowing nothing at all.

I know I shouldn't feel that I need to reveal all to my parents or feel bad about not wanting to call or see them all the time anymore. But I've always looked to them for approval and that is one of the many things I need to work on. Does this make sense? Can anyone relate?

Thanks again for all the support- it is so helpful just to know that there are others out there and that I am not alone!!!