[~rider]

Hello, I’m here at PC looking for help. My problem is this. I’m experiencing very strong obsessive/contradictive thoughts over a woman I was involved with last year. I’ve been apart from her for 8 months now, and it was my choice to leave. This year I realized I’d developed an idealization of her that I've ended up obsessing over. The idealization was never even real, meaning this person I long for doesn't even exist. I just can’t believe my mind is doing this too me.

In my initial post http://forums.psychcentral.com/gener...-thoughts.html, I talked about my history. And more here in my bio. But basically I suffered an emotional breakdown last year. I’d been very close to this woman for a couple years before my meltdown, but I did NOT want anything serious with her. However not long after my breakdown, then I felt I was in love with her. Wtf? I’m not, and I know it. But I thought I was, and started seeing her. She's an alcoholic and I discovered she was drinking again, lies and cold-hearted actions followed. It did not end up well.

I’ve seen a couple good therapists about this. Each good in their own way. I’ve got significant anxiety, which most likely is causing the depression. My T and P both think this is driving my obsessive thoughts. And they both think my meltdown last year has a large role in all this. But, a cure hasn’t been found for me. I can work in a limited capacity, half time at home. But I can not function at 100%. It is getting better that it was a few months back I think. I’m more successful at stopping the obsessive thoughts which happen mostly when I’m tired. Or just waking in the morning.

I’ve never had emotional issues before, so I’m completely confused as to what’s happening and how to deal with it. Doesn’t help that my T said I’m a very complicated person. Guess that’s what I get for being an INFJ… ha

Any ideas/thoughts welcome. Very welcome.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, ~rider. Hmmm. It almost sounds like you are a man grieving over the loss of his wife via death. Such men can really idealize their dead spouse, only remembering the good parts and, of course, wanting her back. And thinking about her frequently.

How about posting in the Grief and Loss forum here to see what folks there might have to say? Worth a try, I would say. Here's the link: http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief-loss/.

I hope you can get over her before too long and get on with your life.

[glok]

Hello, ~rider. In view of your therapist's comment, I would ask if the therapist thinks he/she is able to help you overcome the concerns you present. If so, the two of you might consider updating the treatment plan. You seem to be making progress.

What do you and the therapist need to do to reach remission?

[~rider]

Thnx Travelinglady, I might post over there. I've done daily grief sessions with guidance from my T a while back, yes as if I've lost the most important person in my life. But I don't get emotional about it anymore. That part seems to be over but maybe it's not. The hardest part for me is I'll wake having these strange abstract conversations with her that only lead to disappointment, rejection, then pulling me back in, giving me hope that she is the person I knew, then lying. Rinse/repeat. Uggg that's what was essentially happening to me for several months. They aren't good obsessive thoughts at all, just pain, I want to get as far away as I can from the thought of her. Reason I posted here is that it all seems to stem back to my breakdown and high anxiety, but what if it's multiple things... that would make some sense.

Glok, yes good points. Last visit with my T, she was a bit confused about me so I think a change in her treatment will happen. I've been able to articulate what I'm going through a little better lately as well and I'm overdue for a visit. What would we have to do to reach remission... I believe lowering my anxiety will reveal some of that answer. My T says talk therapy won't work with me until my anxiety is lower so I've been working on that with my P. They communicate well about my case. Meds didn't work so I'm simplifying everything in my life. My family is helping a lot and my work is also being flexible.

Thanks for listening and offering ideas.

[~rider]

So my best progress has been 100% mental. It seems to be working. I'm wondering if anyone else has input on this approach.

Mental issue I'm battling: My mind gets into strange, abstract, unrealistic and unpleasant conversations with an person I've idealized into an imaginary person. It's easy in my mind to distinguish between the real person and this enigma. This happens mostly when I'm tired. Almost seems like I'm emotionally weaker when I'm tired.

What I do: When I realize I'm obsessing on these thoughts, I divert my attention to something else. Most of the time I'm in bed when this happens, so I get up and do something; I focus on it, the present. Mindful approach. And, I get sleep now. That's been a big help. I wasn't sleeping good at all last year.

Struggles: I've tried a lot of meds (ssri, snri, bi-polar) and have had bad effects from all except Xanax. But now that I've realized that being tired from Xanax makes me more vulnerable to obsessive thoughts.

My therapist and psychiatrist work very well together, and despite head scratching they are getting somewhere. Just realizing the level and affect of anxiety has been a big help. I can feel these symptoms getting weaker.

But right now my interest in how/if this approach is working is along the lines of neural plasticity ideas. Changing thought patterns through exercises. My pathways were all fkd up last year with my meltdown, and I'm trying not to let the new, bad ones establish themselves.

Thoughts? Experiences?

[Dameon]

You sound a bit like me. But your situation is a bit different. My Psychiatrist from a long time ago even admitted to somebody else that 'my case was complex and challenging'. I am an extremely complicated person as well.