Never feel clean enough...

My whole life I've dealt with OCD; some of the more common symptoms and some not so common. One thing I've always had to deal with is the obsessive hand washing. Sometimes I'll literally wash my hands 10-20 times within five minutes. In the past my hands have suffered severe cracking, bleeding, and cuts and it burns when I put medicated lotions on them every night. However, lately I seem to be getting the same obsessive feeling towards my entire body. When I'm in the shower I scrub myself over and over again and still I don't feel clean... especially my face. I wash it three or four times with each face wash I use. What made me type this now was that I just realized that I'm the same way when it comes to brushing my teeth too... (I guess that explains why I've never had a cavity)... but does anyone else suffer these thoughts/feelings too? Even when it comes to your teeth?

I'm not as obsessed as you, in terms of washing my hands that much and scrubbing like that, but I do wash my hands a lot, try to get every spot of my body, and I'm very detailed in brushing my teeth. I wasn't taught or made to brush my teeth as a kid, so I now suffer a lot of problems, but at least I got into brushing my teeth regularly, albeit late.

I'm on medication, although going off it, so that helps a bit. I put lotion on my hands, too, even though they're not as bad as you describe. I get into times where I don't use lotion much, and then they get much drier and crack and bleed. Even unmedicated lotion stings.

OCD is a b***h. And so many people don't get it. I can tell people about it, but I have a hard time when they don't get it, which is always. I don't like touching or being touched, in terms of OCD (I always desire touching and hugging, but my OCD makes it undesirable). I remember, when I was a teen, I read some advice, in a self-help book, I think. I think it referred to hugging, but it said to say to people who wanted to hug you when you didn't, "I'm uncomfortable with touching." I thought it was brilliant! I told that to one of my mom's religious friends, and she said, "That's okay--I'll touch you!" and she did. I never used it again.

There are people who, if you tell them these things, especially if they get mad at you, will use them against you. I've had people go, "You mean, if I touch you like this..." and then they touch me, or whatever I don't want touched, etc. I mean, WTF???? How much clearer could I be? And like I said, there are people who, if they become angry at you, use your problems against you. If you had a physical problem, like a broken leg, it would be considered cruel to kick your leg, but if you have a mental problem, it's ok to use that weakness against you.

We're about to move to a new house, and I have a lot of OCD concerns. My boyfriend thinks it's going to be a lot easier than last time, and it will be, but there's still a lot I'm going to have to go through.

OCD makes life hell. You have to spend so much time to make the thoughts go away, and they don't always, even when you do what you feel you need to.

Hi Anony,

I've been dealing with OCD problems for too long a time, too. It started out with just a couple of things that I would obsess about and follow through with rituals to combat them. As the years passed, the obsessions increased in number and involved other things in my daily life. I'm literally a prisoner of my OCD. I have limited my exposure to people, places, and anything else that will send me into a tailspin. I only leave the house when absolutely necessary.

Bathing, washing anything including laundry and dishes are all extremely difficult to do. I would love to just not do any of them. The problem with that is I'm so obsessive about keeping things clean that there is no way I could tolerate anything staying dirty. There are other obsessions and compulsions like checking things, counting and word associations connected to the obsessions. It feels like a never ending whirlpool that I'm stuck in.

I'm in therapy and taking medications for the anxiety and depression. I'm still hoping the medication will help. After nine weeks on the medication, I can't say I've experienced any big difference with my OCD symptoms. I have taken a few baby steps with a couple of things and was successful. I was very excited about that and keeps me hoping I'll be able to take some giant steps in time. I have a few specific phobias that only add to the problem. The phobias make the OC even harder to manage.

I understand where you're coming from and know the pain that accompanies this disorder. I hope we all will overcome it eventually.

Wishing everyone calming thoughts,
Calm

Thanks for responding Maven and Calm.

I know exactly what you're talking about Maven when it comes to telling other people how uncomfortable you are with something and then they use that against you. It happens to me all the time and it's really annoying. And good luck moving into your new house (I know moving can be a pain itself, but with the added OCD you're gonna need luck! )

I'm sorry you're also struggling so much with OCD, Calm. I very much dislike staying home all the time, but I too find it difficult to go out so my mom and I usually go on journies where most of the 'being outside' is driving (we love to travel). Counting is another one of my major obsessions too. I hope we can all eventually overcome this also.

Ya.. My OCD started coming out a few years ago (I'm 16), but here recently, the clean thing started getting worse. I found this site today, thinking I was the only one that worried about this kinda thing hah. But ya, I know where you are coming from. About a week ago, I was at home with my brother and sister. I got in the shower, was doin the regular routine, when I looked at my hands. They wern't even really dirty, but something inside me kinda snapped, that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to explain it, I just started scrubbing my hands over and over, because they just felt so dirty.. I got out of the shower, got dressed, went back in the bathroom and started washing them again. After I'd dried my hands off, I looked, and I had literally scrubbed my my knuckles raw.. Then I felt aweful after that because mom was so mad when she came in and saw them.. It is so hard, but I understand how you feel. And it's embarrassing too, when people ask what I did.. Heh..

I'm sorry you're going through this, coranangel. OCD is really difficult to deal with, and no one really understands who doesn't have OCD themselves. Here's some websites that might help, if you're not familiar with them already:

Again and Again - Collection of OCD websites
Cherry's Website - OCD resources
OC Foundation
Stuck in a Doorway - OCD support group

Thanks. It really helps knowing that some people can understand me. It makes me uncomforatable to talk about it to my family, just for the shear fact that they have no idea what I go through. My uncle is probably the only one who could even begin to understand, because he goes through some of the stuff I do too. And ya, the whole I want to touch people, and be touched thing, I understand. I want to hug people, and touch them, but some days, my OCD makes it hard for me to even brush against someone, and that has been very hard for me to deal with lately. And I feel like a hipocrite on good days, when it doesn't bother me quite as much, like people may think I'm just a big act, ya know? And I hate that.

Oh, yeah, I hate it when people accuse me of faking. Like I spent the past 29 years going through all this washing and having big dreams and not going for them and planning for days of fun, only to have them cut short and ruined because I had to go home and wash and get clean. Yeah, I wasn't serious about my dreams, and didn't want to work for them, so I made all this up so I could be lazy.

Just like when we last moved. I couldn't lift the furniture, anyway, but my OCD was going through hell as it was (long story, just take my word for it), and my boyfriend told me to sit on the steps outside our apartment and let him and his friend carry out the furniture. At one point, I heard his friend coming upstairs to get more furniture, and I turned to look at him, then turned back. Later, my bf told me his friend had apologized to him because he thought I'd heard him when I'd turned to look at him that time before. He'd said to himself, "Why don't you get off your fat *** and help us?" My bf has told many people about my OCD (not always with my permission), and most don't get it. His sister is one of the few people who has actually gotten angry over the way people have treated me.

I don't have OCD to that degree, but many times in my life -- won't go into detail -- in the shower, I just want to scrub & scrub & wash & wash...........wash all the crap away from the past.

Good book to read: "The Boy Who Washed Too Much" or smthg...can't remember......won't make you feel so alone.

The correct title is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing. And I agree...it's a good book.

Gaa.. I don't understand why people want to be like that, ya know? It kills me to see the way some people treat others, it's like they don't even understand how much their words could really affect someone...

Mom is finally going to set me up a phych appointment though, on a sort of good note. I've just been so depressed lately, and I think I'm getting a stomach ulser because I've been so upset about it. I've seperated myself from my friends, my family, I havn't wanted to talk to anyone, I get sick almost everytime I eat.. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even want to wake up in the mornings, I just wish I could sleep and never wake up. It is finally getting bad enough to where mom is taking notice. She said the reason she waited so long is because she didn't want me on meds, but I don't know.. I'm kinda scared that they might put me on them, but if it helps, I'm fine with it.

I really hope the psych helps. As for meds, they almost always reduce the symptoms to some degree. If you have any problems, make sure you mention them to the psych. If they're really bad, or you can't tolerate them until your next appointment, call him/her as soon as possible. S/he'll probably reduce the dosage or try another drug. Just because you have problems with one drug, try not to worry that it'll happen with other drugs. Each drug is different, and may affect your differently.

I feel that way sometimes.. like i'm not clean enough.. i do wash my hands alot, especially like at work.

but my real problem is that i apply lotion like crazy.. lol its so weird.
everytime i wash my hands and dry them, I have to put on lotion or I literally go CRAZY!
i can't stand the feeling of my hands feeling dry and i get anxious and can't think.. ughh it sucks..

I use lotion, but it's not an obsession. I just hate the feeling of dry skin (which I still get, anyway), and I especially hate when my skin cracks and bleeds, which usually occurs on bitterly cold, windy days. Cracked skin hurts!!!