[lucami]

I'm freaking out. this time because of my thoughts. I'm alone at home since everybody went out to work. at first I was like ok I can have a break of being reason for yelling at me.. But I had feeling/thought that something will haunt me...then thoughts about selling my soul to shatan, then about pact.. I nervously picked my skin and scratched little scab, and I had little bit of blood on my hand.. and idk, I'm feeling depersonalizated so I was kinda calm, just scared in mind..Now I'm getting totally scared.. what if really something happened?.. I often have thoughts like "i'm possessed' etc but this today, i don't know what i should think about it.. I have pictures in my head like I'm attacking mother... I' scared if I still have soul.. is this just OCD and anxiety, cumulative of yesterdays emotions, or am I may be haunted? damn I'm freaking scared and have no idea what to do ;ccccc
my dog is looking at me strangely damn what's wrong with me...

[CANDC]

Hi lucami. sorry you are having a tough time of it.

You sound like professional help would be advisable if that is possible in your area, such as psychiatrist to prescribe medicine or a therapist to talk things through.

The only things that haunts us are our own fears, anxieties and memories. None of these are a power over us.

A friend tells me that doing something is one way of taking the focus off themselves. Not doing things is almost like self-imposed isolation. So they set small goals: Picking up the dirty laundry. Washing the dishes. Sweeping the floor. It also boosts self esteem. It also makes people we live with like us better. It works for them.

[lucami]

thanks CANDC for reply,
I was at psychiatrist about a week ago, he said he can prescribe me anti depressants, but first i should get meds for thyroid and see how I react to it.. so I have only hydroxizine and cloranxen, but because of my fear of meds I take it only when I have so heavy panic attack I feel like dying.. As for intrusive thoughts about shatans etc he laugh when I told him about it .__.
Waiting for a free therapist is about year here so I still have to wait .__.
I know by myself that my religious stuff fears came probably from my stupid father which yelled at me that I'm antichrist, demon, etc when I didn't feel like going to church.. hearing stuff like this for whole life had to have some impact on my psyche, group therapy where girl with schizophrenia talked about this topics had too.. But even if I know it, my thoughts kind of started to live own life.. like today and it creeps me out, makes me doubt if I'm not really haunted or something :c 'what if it's true, what if something supernatural happened but i don't remember that?' questions like this are in my head right now and I have no one to talk to about it, doc laugh, my atheist friends says it's gibberish and laugh too, those who believe are avoiding talking about it :c so it make me doubt even more...
yeah I used to doing small things like this, but now when my father is in psycho aggressive mode I'm avoiding going out of my room.. because for him whatever I do, is a reason to yell at me... I want to get a job and move out but with heavy agoraphobia, anxiety, panic attack, and this freaking uncontrolled thoughts I can't go outside of my estate alone, so I'm stuck here...

[lucami]

today again, I was playing videogames and thought/feeling like something would/did already haunt me and torture me... am I crazy? I don't know if I believe his thoughts, feelings, probably if I'm so scared of it I kinda believe.. damn i feel like something ****ed up in my mind totally, it's different feeling than I normally have, I feel just... strange ;c

[Bipolartist]

Lucami, I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a living nightmare. I have bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I was plagued with these kind of thoughts a few years ago. My therapist was very understanding, but that is horrible that your doctor would laugh when you told him this. I took a personality test, really long test with like 500 questions, and it was deemed "invalid" because I answered some questions yes, like do I ever feel possessed and even if I thought life might be easier as the opposite sex. I feel so much spiritual guilt that I think I was possessed at times and under the control of an evil spirit. My therapist says this sounds like dissociation. You might want to check out the dissociation forum. I know you're really scared and creeped out right now. Try to avoid things that are triggering you and maybe go to church and pray, if that helps at all. I find church to be a peaceful place when I get scared. Please keep us updated.

[lucami]

hey Bipolartist, yeah it is a nightmare :c good that you found good therapist, sadly I don't have that much of luck :/ still looking for T but for insurance I can wait for ages.. and actually this forum is a better therapy for me than I had before, face2face. Yeah my psychiatrist is chillout type of guy, I think he doesn't take everything serious, even once he said to me 'find a boyfriend, job and move out, and ur problems are solved'.. yeaaah right -.- hmm I never had this type of test, only got one for depression, 1 A4 page.. it was very useless imo, because sometimes i felt ok, sometimes like typical depressed person so depends of current moment my answers would be totally different :/
I totally feel like that so often :c possessed, haunted.. and have this creepy thoughts in my mind, not only feelings..
I wrote in dissociation forum, and still I'm not sure if it's this or real evil something :s I thought lately about talking with priest online but it creeps me out, I passed out on religion lesson at school, had panic attacks in church so I'm scared of going there, scared of religion in general :s so no idea how I will survive Christmas x.x even hearing about Christmas already makes me nervous :/
Eh I try to stop thinking about it right now, I'm totally disconnected, unreal today already, and like someone would stand behind me :/

btw strange coincidence, I thought about van gogh lately and you have this avatar