[nushi]

Oh God (not that I really believe in God much anymore)... I don't know what to do...

My life has plunged into a level of darkness that I can hardly bear, & I'm thinking about suicide...

I have to tell my whole life story so anyone can understand... but I have to try try try to make it abbreviated, 'cause who's gonna read my life story anyway

I need to get out of this graveyard of Egypt that I'm buried alive in The prices are skyrocketing after the failure of our revolutionary attempt, that in order to survive I have to get any administrative job in any NGO or international organization or bank. But if I do this, I'll be giving away my life's purpose, my dream, myself... My dream is to change the world, to do research with orphan children in violent conflict conditions, like in Iraq & Syria, while they explore the Universe Evolution Story, without any cultural-religious direction...

I'm realizing that the only way I can do this, is to get outside of Egypt, to hook up on any academic/research that would provide me the time & money (to go to Iraq & Syria) to do this research...

But I have to pass a TOEFL test, with a minimum score of 100/120. My English is very fluent, but the problem is the exam format that pressures you with the limited-time-ticking to answer a huge bunch of MC questions after reading long paragraphs. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder & Generalized Anxiety Disorder makes it so hard for me to deal with such kind of tests, & the realization that this my only ticket to run away from this place & pursue my purpose, makes my anxiety skyrocket toward this exam... That yesterday, I had perhaps, my first panic attack when I woke up at 3 a.m. in the morning, feeling that because of my OCD & GAD, I will be buried in this Egyptian graveyard forever... without getting any chance to be alive, not to even mention doing my research to change the world

What exacerbated my panic attack, is that I became I totally lonely person, no family, no friends, no nothing, nothing... My family has abandoned me because of my obsessions, my sister Lina & some of my friends here have abandoned me because I left my religion Islam, & turned into something between nihilism & taoism (according to my Bipolar mood!). I have no chance at getting loved by a man here, because I was sexually abused, & religious-cultural-social traditions here, would require me to accept a man who would put "his shoes over my head", as one sheikh told me!!!

I'm PANICKING!!! I'll never get the chance to get outta here, to live, to do something, to change the world, 'cause of that stupid TOEFL exam & my OCD!!!

[Skeezyks]

From the Skeezyks' perspective, imagining you can change the world is a form of OCD in-&-of itself. No one can change the world. And thinking you could, if you could just get out of Egypt, is simply putting a lot of purposeless additional pressure on you that is making it more difficult to pass the test you both need & want to pass. This is not to say you should not get out of Egypt. But imagining you can change the world is just a chimera. See if you can't simply forget about changing the world, do whatever you can to try to relax as much as possible (therapy, exercise, med's, etc.)... & then go pass that stupid test!!!

I had to look this up...

But it says you can take it as many times as you want....

Can you take a practice test online?

[bornunderabadsign]

I'm not going to tell you that you can't change the world because some people do have the drive and the follow-through to create something that is far reaching to the world at large like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, Oprah, Gandhi, Tawakkol Karman and many others but you can't do it over night. You can take the test as many times as it takes so no stress. You can do it I believe in you.

Don't let no man put his shoes over your head. You have value and you are wonderful in your own way. Don't let anyone stop you and don't let you stop you either.

[ABC1357]

Did you try IELTS? I don't know what you are using TOEFL for, to apply visa or to apply some sort of school, but I'm aware most accept both TOEFL and IELTS. I have taken both, and IELTS was much less time pressured. It is also helpful that you can sometimes take speaking part on separate day. I have anxiety and panic, but IELTS was much more manageable.

If you have to take TOEFL, maybe it can be helpful to be aware that you can take TOEFL as may times as you want, and you can take it like every week. So maybe you can take several time at the same place until you get comfortable with the environment.

[nushi]

Thank you so much for your responses Skeezyks, sophiesmom, bornunderabadsign, ABC

Sadly though, & what's making my panic & pressure increase even more, is that I can't take the test more than once. It's very very expensive, it costs 3000 Egyptian Pounds (164 US$), that I will have to be very tight on my food this month to be able to pay this fee!

I'm depending on free online sources to practice, though it's not even close to the real test setting, & full TOEFL practice tests have to be paid for too!

I thought IELTS was harder, you're giving me a new perspective on this ABC But for now I have to take TOEFL, 'cause the university program I want to apply for, accepts TOEFL only!

I realize though, that I have to lessen a bit my high ambitions (which I think are a symptom of my Bipolar, rather than my OCD)... I have to make a balance between motivating myself with higher ambitions, & never accepting an ordinary life, & between trying to stay on the ground & be realistic. Because I've been increasingly realizing with time, that though my imaginative high ambitions are driving me to seek something that would affect larger numbers of people, they're also negatively impacting me by increasing my panic & stress, & plunging my self-confidence into lower & lower degrees, each time I get rejected for something!

It's all about the balance...

I'm trying now to not stress myself, though it's so hard... I don't spend much time studying, I go out, do tasks, walk, but the panic is so debilitating... I hope I pass these 2 months with my mind & body intact, even if I don't pass the test!

I try to think, so what if I don't pass the test, so what if I don't get out of Egypt, maybe God wants me to go on a path here. Maybe I should let go, do whatever I can do, without the least care, & let God lead me to the path It finds as best for me to reach God...

But then again, my agnostic mind, feels so much panic, distress, & anger at the possibility that there's no God, no nothing, I'm just a miserable obsessive lonely ambitious woman, who hasn't got the chance to live, while many other people have got such chances, because I randomly came within miserable conditions!

I truly truly hope it's the former, not the latter, or else I would just kill myself, 'cause my conditions are unbearably miserable!

[Hobbit House]

Don't let anyone dictate what path to follow. Make your own path if need be. Lots of people help to change the world. I could give you a good long list. One person at a time... Help effect change! Good luck!

[Takeshi]

Educational Testing Services (ETS) which administer tests like GRE, SAT, TOEFL, is the world's largest private nonprofit educational testing and assessment organization, and they are tax-exempt and there is very little transparency to their cost structure has they are not obliged to publish their annual report.

According to the publicly available 990 tax forms filed to the IRS by ETS, which operate under 501(c)3 tax exempt status because of their declared educational missions, we can find the following facts.

- ETS's president salary (reportable compensation from the organization) was $1,254,023 plus $80,374 of estimated amount of other compensation from the organization and related organization. That makes a total of $1,334,397 in 2011.

- ETS has declared 36 Senior VPs, vice-presidents, Chief of something in 2011. These executives made an average salary of $399,496. The average total compensation (including the "other compensation mentioned above) was $411,655.

- ETS has declared 19 trustees paid an average of $54,166 for 6 hours of work per month.

Some of these execs are paid more than the VP of the United States. They are evil profiteers, I just wanted to complain about the cost because this seems so unfair...

[ABC1357]

I know TOEFL is ridiculously expensive! I had to work extra hours. I can't help you with anxiety (I myself struggle with it, so..), but I found link to popular website for TOEFL. Both are free, and seems they have pretty good practice questions. One of them must have 5 free full practice exam. I'm not familiar with situation in Egypt, but public library can also have good resource.

TestDEN Online Courses for TOEFL, TOEIC, and Accent Reduction
Free English Tests for ESL/EFL, TOEFL®, TOEIC®, SAT®, GRE®, GMAT®

In case you find you do better in IELTS (or any other standardized test, like Cambridge), just email the university ask. You know, it's free to just ask. When I applied, none of them mentioned IELTS in their website, but all of them actually accepted. I just emailed them and said i already have IELTS score, and they told me I don't need to take TOEFL. I hated the time-pressured speaking part of TOEFL, and long and complicated reading part.

Anyway, good luck for the exam. You will do great. Hope that can somehow reduce your anxiety.

I'm sorry, I didn't get the research thing in Iraq and Syria. Who is doing research there and in what? If you want to help children in conflict zones, maybe join the red cross or similar humanitarian organizations which have international cover and protection. If you want to go outside of Egypt to America/Canada, then you need the TOEFEL/IELTS exam. I don't know why you need TOEFL to go to Syria and Iraq? I understand how frustrating the socioeconomic situation in Egypt, just like any other Arab country, and I hope you will find a path that makes your life peaceful and enjoyable. That sheikh must be thrown in jail for saying that disgusting thing.

[sunnydisposition]

Anxiety is capable of many evil things, but if theres one thing its perfect at, its making us feel like there's only one way out and if we miss it, life wont offer another chance, ever again. Its a mind trap, an illusion created by anxiety to feed the fear that drives it. The truth is, as hard as it may seem right now to believe, its that as long as you breathe, there'll always be hope, a way out.

The other thing id like to add is that, you have to realise that anxiety, ocd, they're life altering illnesses. As such our first priority should be our health. Dreams are important but not as much as our health. The weight you put in your dreams should not be so heavy that you end up getting buried beneath it. From what i see, you are putting an awful lot of stock in your dreams. Changing the world is a beautiful sentiment, it shows how compassionate a soul you are, but its too big a goal for one person to carry out. The person who deserves the most compassion from you right now is 'you'. You have to think about getting well and once you are better, you can work on making a difference in the world. Dreams dreamt with a healthy mind will have better odds of coming true.

Remind your anxious mind that THIS is not the only way out. There are many ways, many roads waiting to take you to your destination. Its Okay, if you dont make it in the first attempt (your TOEFL test). You'll do better next time. Your english seems pretty good to me. You'll probably crack the test in the first go. There is no shortage of good Universities out there, number of ways to get into them. keep trying, something will work out for sure. Hopefully soon. Never let your mind tell you that there's just one way out, and just one shot to make it. Its a lie.

[Takeshi]

nushi, aren't you the one who used to have an image of a life-progress-bar gif on the signature? Don't ever throw away your life's purpose, your dream and yourself.

Sorry Skeezyks, from my perspective, things are 180 degree different.

‘Life is not a multiple-choice test’, let us get the right picture of who we are!

No one can change the world, alone, so we keep challenging ourselves and keep pushing ourselves to overcome our fears, rejections, whatever the life throws at us, to be wiser to adapt the world to oneself, this is our world after all. Humans are irrational sometimes, that's how we oughta think, let the change start within ourselves, forever.

[nushi]

Thank you so much Hobbit House, Takeshi, ABC, Mr. Stranger, & Ravdeep Singh for your so beautiful responses

Maybe I chose a very simplistic childish phrase by saying "I wanna change the world" What I really mean, is that before I die, I want to leave out something so significant, that many aspects in how the human world right now is going through change... I don't want to live an ordinary life, just go to work, do some voluntary stuff maybe, watch TV, retire, go travel some places for pleasure, die! I don't want such a life, & I think the main reason why the world with its living species are moving toward extinction now, is because most of the people choose to live such a life, & not change themselves & change the world around them! I don't blame the people much, I blame more the socio-political-economic-cultural global system that we live in, that "educate" the child in school, to pursue "happyness - like in the movie", money, financial & social "success", so the system would just go on like it is, & the business CEOs (like the ones you mention Takeshi for ETS), governments' politicians, military industries would keep amassing more & more wealth for themselves!

That's why I don't wanna just go to Iraq & Syria doing some ordinary voluntary work with international organizations! So what?! What will change?! Are the children there saved?! I want to do research with a group of children suffering from the extreme violence there, to teach them about the Universe evolution story, without any cultural or religious direction, & record their reactions, expressions, reflections, maybe what I write, will somehow inspire many people around the world, by the power of the innocence of children...

I sadly have to find a way through the system first That's why I'm applying for research programs abroad, & I need to take the TOEFL! The program I'm applying for ABC, specifically mentions that they don't accept IELTS

I no longer care about my health much, I don't have the luxury & money to afford it anyway! With the deteriorating economic conditions in Egypt after we failed in our attempt to make a revolution, I can barely even afford my food & rent! Going to a psychotherapist is a luxury now!

Besides, I got cancer last year (& thankfully survived it! ), so I have an urge in me, that I have to do something, to change something (at least try!) in the world before cancer comes back...

And to tell you the truth Ravdeep Singh, in my opinion, I think most of the people who have affected people & the world with their works, didn't have healthy minds. I don't know exactly how we should define "healthy" & "non-healthy" minds, but I think people who suffer from problems in their lives, especially mental problems, which I prefer to name "mental disconformities", because such people's minds refuse to conform with the dominating non-healthy indoctrinating industrializing materialistic religious standards of our present human civilization, are the most apt to be driven to change those standards, & the world around them