Comparing Myself to Relatives

I'm not sure whether this falls under depression or anxiety, but I'm going with anxiety because of how "active" and "keep me up at night"-ish this is for me.

My only brother, seven years younger than me and crushing it at his idyllic Florida college, was described as a "miracle child" when he was born, and the moniker turned out to be very fitting. He's always been charming, social, generous, academically successful, and all-around healthy. He was valedictorian at the same high school I attended (and barely ranked top 10 at). He played a crazy number of sports (and excelled at them all, while I quit the dive team after my freshman year and then stuck with marching band). I just learned that he was voted captain of his college's sailing team (if you're thinking that's the whitest thing you ever heard, you're right), and that he's doing great at his difficult biochem classes.

I'm so proud of him, but I'm guilty of bitterness, too.

I can't stop comparing my experiences and accomplishments to his. I studied psychology and studio art in my frozen midwestern college, and to my parents' chagrin, never wanted to get a master's in psych, making it a pretty useless degree. I worked at an insurance claims office out of college, which paid well but wasn't very prestigious, considering my family of doctors, lawyers, financial planners, and advanced degree therapists.

Even that job was too much for me, and drove me to a pretty low (like, hospitalization low) point in my life. Now I'm working for my uncle as an administrative assistant at his firm, and while I know my very businesslike family would never hire me if I weren't up to snuff, I still worry that I was offered the position in a gesture of pity.

I look at my brother, and I see what I can only assume my parents always wanted: a smart, healthy, straight young man, considerate of other human beings and destined for success. Then there's me: not quite as smart, collecting all sorts of physical maladies, genderqueer and gay as a $2 bill, and stocked to the brim with neuroses.

I know my family loves me, but I get so self-conscious at family gatherings. I'm desperate to prove that I'm just as good as my brother. I self-published a novel and maintain an active blog primarily for my own enjoyment, but also because I feel compelled to produce things that prove I'm valuable to the family and society.

I frequently feel embarrassed for existing. I can't stand the thought that my parents think less of me, and I stay up at night panicking about it.

Anybody relate, or have any advice to share?

Well... since I was an only child who grew up with a quite elderly extended family I can't relate to the sibling rivalry aspect of this. However I can certainly relate to some of the other things you mentioned.

Had I been born a normal boy, I think I probably would have had pretty good parents. Unfortunately what my parents got was an anxiety-ridden, depressive tranny at a time when mental illness was something embarrassing to be feared, & the whole idea that a person could be transgender was pretty-much unheard of.

My parents never pressured me to be anything in particular. But I at least always felt there was an underlying assumption that I would turn out to be somebody. Sadly, however, I turned out to be a complete & utter failure at pretty-much everything I ever tried or did. Fortunately... my parents didn't live to witness some of my more blatant failures. Unfortunately… they didn't miss some of the worst of them either.

I'm now fast approaching 70 years old. And it's only now I think that I've finally reached a point where most of it (not all) just doesn't matter anymore. But I know, from personal experience, one can do themselves a lot of damage trying to live up to what they perceive other peoples' expectations to be. Sooner or later, I think, you just have to find a way to be the person you are... whoever that is. Chances are, in reality, that's primarily what your parents want for you too... just to be happy. I wish you well...

Please don't compare yourself to anyone. It's hard sometimes, I even do it myself. But we are all on different journies in our lives.

Comparisons help goal setting, so I don't see anything wrong with it necessarily. I just think maybe one day the parents and brother will give you validation you deserve. If not then, dig deeper on what the underlining issues might be.

Goal setting is one thing, but beating yourself up because "everyone" is doing better than you is something else entirely.

Maybe--just maybe--you don't have to be perfect or make a lot of money. You could just be yourself. You don't have to put yourself under all that pressure to "be somebody."

I live near a big R&D area and kids at my daughter's high school were pushed to go into STEM or medical jobs. I looked at her and her friends and told them,"Not everyone is cut out to be an engineer, doctor, or scientist." There is also a big gap in trades and more people are making their living doing their own thing. My daughter is learning to become an interpreter for the deaf, in addition to doing drawings for commissions.

Just do what you do best.

I know it's easier said than done, but you could try to compare yourself to who you were in the past ? Once we start thinking about your past successes and acheivements, our self-esteem is boosted. Also, you may be "idealizing" your brother, like, okay, he may be a very kind and talented person, but he's human, which means not perfect. Remember that he has flaws too ^^ Same for you : ocne again, I know it's not easy, but you could try to keep in mind that you are awesome as well, I mean, you have lots of strenghts and abilities too, even if you may not be paying attention to them.

In other terms, everyone is equal. We all have our weaknesses and our strenghts. It's not because you are imperfect that you are not amazing~

Comparing yourself to other people, especially when getting older is a dangerous thing to do in my opinion. Lives turn out so differently and we achieve certain things at such a different moment in our lives. I do recognise the problem though. It sucks and is not always easy to manage. Best thing to do for me is to compare yourself to how you were in the past. Set some goals you want to achieve for yourself and go for that. Self-publishing a novel for example seems like one of those goals. And you achieved that. You have potential, it's just different than your brothers. There's nothing wrong with that.

I can relate. My sister the kind of smart that translates to better grades than me. She got married, he had kids and she works and seems to function heaps better than me.I was even talking to my P'doc this week about how well she is doing considering recent events. I have an A+ in comparing myself to others.

I can't even hold down a job to save my life. We are not doing ourselves any favours by comparing ourselves to others though it is such an in trenched habit in my life.

Have you asked your parents how they view you? None of us are mind readers. You might be surprised what they think. Either way it's more important what you think of yourself.

I am a mother of two grown sons; one is fairly issue free , and the youngest is a recovering drug addict with lots of issues. I don't love one more than the other. I don't compare them (except like this, for the sake of discussion). All I ever wanted for either of them is that they be the happiest, most productive person they could be. I don't care if either of them have multiple degrees, titles, fancy homes or fat bank accounts. I could not care less. I want them to be happy and I suspect your folks feel the exact same way. There are negative issues with over achievers, too, I might add...

I feel bad for being so slow to respond, but everyone has had such helpful input, and I'm very grateful for it. I wish I could avoid that comparison trap (at least, the unproductive side of it, where I'm not striving to achieve and am instead simply cataloging failures and getting huffy about them). It's certainly something to work on, and I ought to scrap up some cash for an actual therapist eventually...

Although I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist, it seems to me --

1) As you constantly compare yourself to others, it may point out to a few things but I think as you mentioned other complications, it must be bad childhood. I know it may at first sound weird to you, but you said you weren't "good enough" despite the fact that you graduated with a psychology degree (I am a science student too! Not from the West though.)

2) You view yourself in a negative light a little bit too much. "I feel bad for.... [things that you couldn't do in time]" and this attributes to many things ranging from low self esteem to delusional guilt.

I think you should talk to your GP about this.
[Personal note : I don't think you can attribute you not doing well at school as a negative point. I mean, I myself suffer from a lot of issues too and all I can say is that they're not in your hands. Being gay or not isn't in your hands.]

Thank you for your perspective on this! I agree with your points, but have alarm bells going off regarding the bad childhood thing. I was truly privileged, and treated well, and feel profoundly guilty for displaying behavior that might make people think I'd had an abusive (or even just bad) childhood. Despite having so much support and kindness, I'm still screwed up, which means this is all internal stuff, all my fault, and should have been under my control! Like, I can't say, "Mother didn't think I was good enough, so now I'm emotionally stunted" or something.

I've had a couple people I know in the real world ask if I was abused, but I wasn't. They point out I have a lot of traits of emotional abuse, but I feel like a crappy person because I know my behavior is completely self-generated. There's no reason that I'm like this, other then I'm maybe just a bad person, haha.

Pardon the rambling...

If it isn't a bad childhood, no, it still isn't your fault. Your mood isn't in your control nor are the events that trigger some kind of mood. It is not your fault that you are suffering from depression. This is the internet, I do not have a doctoral degree in medicine or psychology, Hence the misunderstanding.

I believe the only thing that you can control right now is blaming yourself. Just stop it. Write your negative thoughts on a piece of paper and shared it. Keep a journal and write your experiences on it. Listen to some soothing music. Watch a movie. Try to write a novel. Do anything that keeps you engaged and away from guilty thoughts.

I am schizophrenic and I ramble too. It's not that I think it's my fault. It's your SELF-CONTROLLABLE (notice the adverb 'able') actions that define you the most. Again please do not be guilty.

I don't think you're a bad person. It's not easy to manage the thoughts that you're having. You don't need a bad childhood to end up with the thoughts you are having.

Comparing yourself to others whether family or otherwise is one of the worst ideas ever. I know because I've done it. It does nothing but give you anxiety and depression and keep you up at night like you said. Everyone in life is different and each persons life is there own to live. Know your worth and don't compare yourself to others.