Noisy neighbors and anxiety

Argh. I have a new neighbor downstairs and she likes her music turned up, especially with bass cranked. I've already spoken with her in a friendly fashion and asked her to keep the bass down, she agreed but it is already back up.

Noise like this tends to trigger anxiety, even hypervigilant PTSD symptoms. I'm good at reminding myself to not make it worse than it is. I now use an electric fan, turn on the dishwasher, and use earplugs to help me cope - though bass tends to come through all that. I'm not currently able to do anything furniture or sound muffling wise. And this on top of me actually needing to sleep and rest for a few days is rough.

Unless it gets louder still I'm probably not going to talk further with her or with my landlord. It has been worse here in past, domestic violence used to be somewhat common around here, it no longer is. But there people who get drunk and loud, folks who slam doors, and now my new neighbor.

Because my income is limited my options are limited also. And I know that moving doesn't necessarily mean less noise. I know I'm not the only person dealing with being triggered by unwanted loud noise. I honestly wish I didn't have to deal with this now, I'm dealing with physical illness and would like to rest and sleep more.

Okay, so I know earplugs help a little, running a fan helps too. I know the noise won't kill me. I know I can occasionally get out of the house for a break. I know I can take good care of myself.

I know I can manage my symptoms, just wish I didn't have to go through this at all. I'm writing here to help me work through my thoughts, ask for friendly support, find out if any of you out there go through noise problems, and also as a chance to remind myself that this too shall pass. Eventually.

You are doing great!!! So impressed with your positive self talk. Good on you. Keep it up. It's what you have to do.

I'm very sensitive to sounds. I know the battle when noise invades my calm. Challenges my centredness. The simmering raging that comes. Good on you for holding the uglies at bay.

I know some people walk around all day with their ipod plugged in so that they can control the sounds around them. I tend to go hide out in the forest when sounds round me get unbearable to take. On really bad days even the sound of the birds singing can be more than I can take. That's when a long shower with water running past my ears blocking every other sound helps calm me sometimes.

I wish I had a good idea for you to pursue. Bass vibrates so its a sound you feel as much as hear. Perhaps another chat with the new tenant could help if presented in the right way. It may take time to build a bit of a base friendship first. Find a way to befriend her so that she will be more likely to empathize with your situation and do more to help you. I know you don't want to risk being seen as a complainer but if people don't know they can't help. Maybe if you show her friendship eventually she will be more accommodating of your special needs.

Thanks for the positive feedback.

Yeah "simmering raging" is a great way to describe some of what I go through at times. I'm determined to not act from that space, even when angry I at least want to be calm enough to be safe. And yes, the fact that the bass creates a sensation I feel as well as hear makes this all the more challenging.

Shower is a great idea, warm water is a great remedy for me, for all sorts of things. I also found a light novel that is fun and distracting, all about a young woman who is a werewolf. Somehow an appropriate theme come to think of it.

Good one.... anything to keep it light and tolerable. There is a magic that happens when one totally resigns oneself to their circumstances.

I learned this when coping with an unbearable pain one time. I toke my mind to the source of the pain. I went so far into the pain that I was able to make it go away. I can't explain how it happened but it happened because I thought my way to its source.

I've tried the same approach to sounds and it works with varied success. If I'm too tired it won't work as well. But I take my mind right into the centre of the sound. Doing this causes the sound to disappear. I can keep it away and enjoy total quiet. I'm not deaf to other sounds but yet deaf to the sound that is triggering me.

I guess its a take on a visualization exercise. See it until I am it and can control its impact on me. Not sure how it works.

Cedar, so sorry you're going through this. My husband is an electrical engineer and I asked him if there was anything you could do. When we lived in apartments he had an older woman living over him who was hard of hearing and played her television too loud. He knew how to tune a radio to the same frequency as the television and make it, if it got too loud, "squeal" so she had to turn it down to make the annoying sound go away :-) He said there wasn't anything like that to do about stereo bass though :-(

I'm impressed with all you're doing with yourself too. I found this:

http://boombuster.com/

Don't know if it works or if there are other things like it out there that would help you more.

wow!! how cool is that. Wonder if it really works. Worthy of some research perhaps.

chocolate and Perna - thank you so much for your thoughtful responses!

That boom buster cd sounds intriguing, I'm going to get one next month when I got some $. I'll report back as to how well it works.

Today I used earplugs and a fan all day rather than waiting til I heard the booming noise, that helped take the edge off some.

Personally, I'd buy a set of drums and learn to play and enjoy them ;-)

You know, it would be so amazing for me to be the one that a landlord has to contact and work with! Makes me grin to think of it. I could get a nice set of drums and wail on them, then smile sweetly when neighbors ask me to lower the volume of my noise. Maybe I could claim that I am in a really hot band and that surely they don't wanna get in the way of my creative process.

Thanks for reminding me to smile.

It sucks that neighbors in apt. complexes and so forth can't be more considerate of others. We used to have a neighbor who'd come home late at night and at about 10PM or later, she'd play her piano. I mean..come on! So rude!

I don't know that people are deliberately rude and ugly. It's hard to remember that it isn't just "you" but that things add up. The girl with the bass may not know just how loud it is since she's in there with it and it may sound "normal" to her. She may be hard of hearing (you think? LOL) or distracted or whatever. I had a friend that had to have the TV, stereo and whatever else "on" for comfort. If the apartment building is new and "cheap" that doesn't make the soundproofing very good?

One of my stepsons is 7 feet 5 inches tall and daily gets a zillion people asking how the weather is up there or how tall are you, etc. and no one person thinks about the cumulative effects of a day's worth of people asking rude, personal questions. People can only think (even you and me) most often about what's right in front of us now. You have a "giant" in front of you, you want to know about the giant; children and adults that are not shy and didn't learn better manners when they were children will ask. My son actually had to report a bank teller to her boss because, instead of doing his transaction and helping him, the first words out of her mouth were, "How tall are you?" with that amazed look like he's part of a circus.

Doesn't help knowing it's not you or even not the girl with her cheap bass turned up too high.

Is she around your age or anything? I'd be inclined to try a bit of personal humor; make some chocolate chip cookies or something and take them down and "beg" her to turn down the bass or become good enough friends with her so she "remembers" you in some way and thinks of you and her volume knob together but not in a "she's a nag, I'll show her!" way that will only make her keep annoying you because you "annoyed" her and, in her mind, are trying to control her (like the apartment itself and having to live in such a place already feels like it does).

Ocean, the piano player reminds me of mine when I was in apartments; garden apartments one up, one down and I was on the ground floor. I'd be awakened lots of nights by the couple above me (boyfriend and girlfriend, she didn't live there) making love at like 2:00-3:00 a.m. BUT, that wasn't the problem, immediately after, he'd get up and play his piano!!!! My boyfriend/now husband had the apartment across the parking lot and I usually was with him but would stay in my own apartment when he was away on rare business trips. So, I didn't do anything about it but my fantasy was going up there in my flannel nightgown, right out of my bed, knocking on the door and when he answered, saying, "I don't mind the sex in the middle of the night and your squeaking bed waking me but the piano playing afterwards has to got to go!" :-) Can you imagine their embarrassment? LOL

I was awoken last night by music. The house next door to me has been converted into 2 flats. The people downstairs have lived there for a couple of yrs, and thought i've never spoken to them I feel "safe" regarding their presence now, when occassionally I've heard their music I dont worry now because I trust they eventually turn it down or off by 10.30 and actually I've fallen asleep while the "boom, boom" has been going. But last night I woke up to the tinny sound of a bad music system, to be honest I had to strain to try and work out what kind of music it was, my hubby stayed asleep but me??? oh dear, my stomach starting doing sumasults, I felt I wanted to get up an pace. Unyet it really wasn't taht loud, yes it was late, 2.30am, but I've heard worse. This neighbour is newish, I have seen him once. Today my thoughts are obsessively trying to rid myself of the fear that again tonight I will be awakened by the noise. I'm thinking what can I take to knock me out? its taking over my day and I don't know, I guess I feel like my life has been given over to someone else. I hate it because the rest of my family may just say, yeah I thought I heard something, and they continue on. Me??? I'm up the wall and down again. why the hell do I give my locus of control over???? is it because of the noise or the fact I'm not sure yet of the routine of this new guy? what is it I fear could happen? that I will never experience peace again? that this is it for the rest of my life having to be afraid of a neighbour? Is connected to being adopted and afraid of new people because their not familiar? OH lord so many ??? But I can so relate to the anxiety neighbours course.

I can sure understand what you are going through.

Sometimes noise feels invasive to me, if I can't really get away from it that is even more challenging. And when it affects my own home that feels even more difficult.

Fortunately my neighbor for now has mostly quieted down. I use earplugs sometimes and also turn on a fan to provide background sound to somewhat mask unwanted noise.

Good luck with it all, I sure can relate.

Cedars,

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Rude neighbors really grate on my nerves. When hubby was in the navy, the downstairs neighbors bass was so high, that it actually made my lamps vibrate off of my tables. They felt that since he outranked my husband there was nothing we could do. There is suck a law as disturbing the peace.

I must compliment you on how well you're dealing with the situation. I'd be calling the police every time. You've been pleasant, you shouldn't have to walk around in your own home with earplugs!!!

Do you share a land lord? I would make one more attempt at pleasantry. I'd leave a note on their door, or make a point of seeing them in the hall and saying "I'm sorry, your music still bothers me could you please turn it down. I really don't want to resort to calling the landlord or the police, but you're leaving me no choice."

Good luck. Again, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with selfish people that have no manners.

I got some noise cancelling (Bose) headphones for Christmas. They are most effective on the base notes, but they are great. You can plug your iPod into them when the noise is the worst. At least you're controlling what you hear.

There are less expensive ones than Bose.

MOVE THATS ALL I GOT T0 OFFER, WHY PUT UP WITH IT JUST FIND ANOTHER PLACE...SOUND A LITTLE INSENSITIVE BUT U NEED TO GET FAR AWAY FROM THAT ANNOYANCE!

good job on finding ways to manage this anxiety. we too share that edginess when there are too many external noises that are beyond our control. we find things like traffic or noises that are just going to happen day in and day out more easy to get used to as they're regular and anticipated.

the human noises of leafblowers, music, auto repair, etc. tend to be triggering due to not knowing when to expect the next jolt. the anticipation of when a previously annoying noise will start up again can be our undoing when anxiety is already heightened.

some great ideas in this thread.

I left a message for my apartment manager about another neighbor, the partying shouting cursing door slamming ones, and for now things are quieter. I'm optimistic too about my bass loving neighbor, she seems to be moderating things nicely now. We've had some friendly brief conversations outside about things other than noise, might have helped.

Thanks everyone for their kind words and ideas and stories. Helps to remind me that I'm not at all the only person who has difficulty with noise.

In the past sometimes it has worked for me to move to get away from unwanted noise, but as a low income person my choices are limited. Plus I've learned there really are no guarantees. I've had friends who owned their own homes in very quiet locations discover that all it takes is a new neighbor, new construction, new dog, etc and their soundscape radically changes.

(((((CedarS)))))) I'm glad that it seems to be working out! We're all entitled to peace in our own home. There are times when our neighbors will disturb us but if it's the occassional party, one can over look it. If it's a daily thing, you are entitled to complain.

The barking dog thing makes me absolutely crazy!!!! We have four dogs and they are NOT permitted to bark, some of my neighbors are not as careful. There is a hound up the street that howls all night long, if there isn't noise to prevent my dogs from hearing it, they'll whine and pace, begging to be able to respond.

I hope things continue to get better!

I seem to be on both sides of the fence on this one. I use to live in an old house that was changed into apartments. My neighbor use to tell that it was the bass. I liked to party and I would have people over late at night. I would tell them that they really could not be loud and to please please please be considerate that it was late and that my neighbor downstairs was sleeping. It turned out it was his downstairs neighbor who was being loud. Paranoia... Now, I live across and next to people who are really loud but...eh, it is really annoying but it is not stopping me from living my life.

I have neighbors across the street with a son and his friends that have "sub-woofers" or something in their pick-up trucks that they blast as they drive in and out of our court; it drives me crazy! It is so unexpected, it makes my house shake. There are so many things that make me anxious. My husband's pitch of voice (this may be a sensory integration thing for you, you may want to contact an OT, specializing in sensory integration disorder, who may suggest an auditory program to make you less sensitive to these types of noises, especially if you have PTSD).

Have you tried to contact the authorities and file a nuisance complaint? If she is disturbing the neighbors (you), the police can write her up and even cite her for disturbing the peace. You have to be able to get them there to "catch" her in the act, though.

Good luck, and God Bless. I do understand your predicament.

I've read some on sensory integration and gotten some ideas from that.

Fortunately this neighbor has quieted down. I feel for you with those sub woofers, I wish folks were more considerate when it comes to bass noise.