life, it sucks

it feels like the world is falling in on me again. the old panic attacks and depression and anxiety all coming back again. to give you the fast version of what is wrong is this... last year i had a string of bad luck but the big items was i stopped being able to actually walk for no reason, girlfriend cheats on me, girlfriend treats me like %#@&#! so i would leave her alone though i wasnt trying to get back together anymore. i'm in the bed month after month trying to get over her and trying to walk again. finally i go to see a doctor and they never do find the problem but they tell me i have kidney failure. i'm trying to get along without her but on my birthday my now ex girlfriend calls me, i dont answer, christmas she calls, i dont answer but on new years i return her call and she and i share each others bad news. in jan we get back together and life is great yet again until she tells me that she is moving to another town to start a new life and i'm not part of it. she starts the complaining again about how i'm not what she needs in her life, all she wants is for everyone to leave her alone but really the everyone is just me. anything i do for her is a letdown to her. so after trying to get along without her, she returned to my life and i was happy again but then its coming to a end again and i'm having to go through all the pain all over again of losing her, of having to hear that she wants me to leave her alone and out of her life even though i'm like 1% of her life and she is 99% of mine. because of what i know about her childhood and her up bringing and the bad stuff in her life, theres a part of me that feels like she needs help and ive let her strike out at me without hating her and i went away as she wanted so she could "fix" her life but it never got better and so she came back and we started again but the anger towards me is back again and now she wants to end it again. after she goes, i'm alone. i have no friends just family. i need a female to love, i need a friend that no matter what, doesnt lookdown at me or because i dont have this or i cant do that feels that they cant be friends with me. i have panic attacks and depression because i really love this girl and to know she wants me to leave her alone and leave my life. i feel like i'm going crazy not just because of her but just the health issues, the walking thing (which i am walking again but not normal just yet) the fact that life sucks, look around and see that this is it, your only friend/girlfriend wants nothing to do with you, and you read in the news today that a 800 pound man who was lifted out of his house by forklift so he could go on a picnic with his GIRLFRIEND and you wonder wtf is wrong with me. i'm ready to explode out of confusion out of wanting love. as pink floyds lyrics sums it up about how i feel for her "leave but dont leave me".

Hey, im sorry things are so tough for you. But im a friend....ive been here a while and I can be a friend. and Im sure you will find more friends here too.

Chin up. Things happen for a reason....and one reason is you are HERE...best place to be.

welcome to pc.....im holding your hand.

Colleen

hey it's gonna be ok these are tough times for u thats why u are experiencing panic attacks and thinking of her all the time and the probs between the 2 of u may be ur panic attack trigger my advice to u is get a hobby or something to get ur mind focused on so that ur busy for me it's playing online games like neopets it's a kids game mainly but it distracts me when i finish i feel so much more relaxed try it once u get ur health better then try and think about ur relationship but for now i think u should take care of ur self and remember when u feel anxious come to pc and post it we will respond and help u get through it ok also the chat room is always available even if no one is in it wait someone will notice and come in to chat have faith that all will get better pray ask god to send u his angels for protection that helps me alot and keep in touch with all of us here at pc btw welcome to pc

steph

life does suck when you have a constant battle with anxiety (or at least it feels that way) your right, it can really get you down.

the "girlfriend" came over last night and she laid on my lap and we talked about the things she wanted in life and what she needed. i was not included on either list. we laughed, we cried and after telling me how our relationship bothered her and a bunch of other things that was wrong with me, we had sex. i don't know if she just needed it or it was my last goodbye or parting gift to me but we had sex. it was good and we had fun but after it was over it was getting late and she needed to leave. i walked her out and we kissed some more and hugged and at the end she looked at me and asked "well, is this it" and i said "of what". she said "of us"? i was stunned because we just spent all night kissing, talking, laughing and having sex and a good time and now i learn it is all over between us. she drove off free of me and i walked inside feeling confused and very hurt. we had unprotected sex and if at all, there would only be a slight chance of anything happening (i know what your thinking so no need to tell me) I am trying to get through the days without her but all i'm feeling is that all i want is the girl i use to know and love and she loves me but deep down i know she doesnt love me now and if i can get over her maybe its for the best. the thing that also got to me was there was a man who weighed over 1000 lbs but lost 400pluslbs and now weighs 800. he was forklifted from his house, put on a truck and they were driving him to a picnic with his GIRLFRIEND. what? ok, a 800 lb man can get a girlfriend but i cant , what is wrong with me?

well, i dont think there is anything wrong with you, maybe she just wasnt the one or has something going on. Thats tough.