[frangelica]

Hello all. I am new to the forum and I am having a lot of nervousness about it. I guess its hard to just open up and admit things about yourself. However, I'm desperate, I feel as though I am dying inside and my life is spinning out of control.
I am having EXTREME anxiety that my husband will leave me it is so bad that I don't trust him about anything. I must add that I know intellectually that he want, and he does love me. Its in my head and I can't get it out. I spy on him, I question him continuously, I invade his privacy. When I ask him a question about these things and he answers them I second guess his answers and STILL argue with him. Its as though the "conflict" I made up in my head is real and not what he is telling me. We have been married 41/2 years. He is VERY dedicated to me and usually understanding. However this is all starting to wear thin on his nerves and it is just about to push us to divorce. I also have trouble communicating with him. Whatever he says I seem to argue with him, this can be about ANYTHING!
Now I have to tell you, I have read many self help books, I have been to a psych./psychologist and I have been off and on medications. I have ALOT of issues from my childhood (death of father when I was 6, sexually molested, emotionally alienated by mother, in a VERY physically abusive and dysfunctional relationship between mother and stepfather). I have been discouraged by the psych. groups because they tell me with all of this it will be YEARS to get through this. I want to be better now. I can't aford to lose my 2nd marriage. I feel frightened all the time. I have physical symptoms of anxiety, stomach, breathing, heart, head. I am thinking about returning to the doctor (medical) for maybe some ativan or something. It seems every year the anxiety is getting worse!
Sorry to go on and on. Does anyone have any hope for me. Is there a chance of living a NORMAL, peaceful life?
I am going through a program (self-help) Attacking anxiety and depression. Im listening to relaxation tapes. I'm doing yoga and have just started hypnosis with a hypnotherapist. (has anyone tried that)?
I feel like I want to RUN.... that means me leaving my husband. He says he wants us to go to marriage counseling, I have told him about my issues in the past and he just throws these up at me and says my problems come from that.

Help, please. Any suggestions, comments would be appreciated.

[Taipans]

Hey! I know how you feel, I use to be that way with a long ago girlfriend. I was obsessive and suspicious of everything she did for more then 4 years and then we seperated. I never looked at it as being a problem but it obviously isnt normal. There are so many medications out on the market now, and it may take a long time to find one that helps. But im sure something out will help calm your OCD about your husband. Some stuff will even make you "too" carefree. I would suggest changing doctors, starting fresh and just go down the list of medications until something helps. Just know your not alone, but yes it will destroy your relationship if you cant stop it. I wish you the best of luck, never give up, and make sure you explain to your husband the reason you act the way you do. "In sickness and in health"

[dalila]

If you don't take the time now to do the work on your past where will your marriage be in a few years? Try doing what you need to do and asking your husband to be patient with you during the process. I have to say I think that healing the past is more likely to strengthen your present relationships than working on them and ignoring your past.

[Myzen]

Hi Frangelica,

I had this same situation in my second marriage and I managed to turn it, but it was a big effort.

The thing I had to do was realise that the 'needy' anxiety was in me, it was taking me over, and if I didn't deal with it I would alienate my second wife.

By a huge, desperately tiring, effort of will I turned my attention away from my relationship and started dealing with my own stuff instead. Also I threw myself into a project which didn't involve my wife, and I gave her some space.

It was in this space that my wife and I got to know each other, because the obsessing had been a wall between us.

Not only did I come to have a loving relationship with her, but I understood why my previous marrige had been so toxic, and later on, why I had this emotional neediness in the first place. That was the hardest bit - the bit that the analysts deal with.

It sounds like it's not too late for you, I certainly hope so. If you can manage to give him a little space, and deal with the anxiety monster in a different way - that's the way I did it.

Nowadays I still have the anxiety and depression but crucially it is not a relationship issue, it's just an illness that I deal with. This has worked for me.

I hope it gets better for you.

Myzen,