[Bloose]

I have been recently discovering (!) behaviors toward my family (i.e. saying terribly hurtful things which I can't believe I said). I have no idea why I would say these things but hearing them back from my wife and/or daughter is awful and is making me wonder if I am losing my grip...

I love my family deeply and really am trying to be a good husband.

[Perna]

Hi, Bloose, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I use to say hurtful things to my stepmother because I was feeling hurt myself. What do you have going on in the rest of your life? Sometimes things can trickle down so if we're being yelled at by our boss, for example, we bring it home and yell at our spouse/children (because it's "safe", we don't feel it's safe to yell at boss because he might fire us!). I know I get road rage when I'm worried and feeling helpless. When you find you've said something horrible, apologize immediately and see if you can track down what the "real" problem is. I always know when I do something that "isn't Me" that there's something else going on elsewhere that I'm misplacing and I use it as information/a clue. Maybe if you think of something or find something (catch yourself in the act :-) you can share it with your wife so she can understand and help you look/keep current and not take such behaviors personally.

[Josana]

Oh - I know about self-sabotage. Not only do I say things that I regret, but I have done terrible things which lost me my husband and my job recently. I am in an intensive outpatient program trying to find out why I sabotage everything good in my life. Finding out that I have very deep-rooted issues from childhood, as well as abandonment issues and trust...it's a long line of issues, that takes a long time to delve into and unravel. I'm sorry that you are going through this - but recognizing it and taking the proper steps to address it are first steps to overcoming it. I wish you luck.

[ECHOES]

Calling it 'self-sabotage' slaps a negative judgement on it that doesn't feel very good.

What about looking at it as a new awareness... Before change can happen there must be awareness, so learning things like this about yourself is a wonderful gift to use toward being more the person you want to be.

Go easy on yourself, it takes time. Awareness is a beginning.

[digdug]

We are often the hardest on those that love us, because we know that they love us unconditionally...no matter what we do, they will always be there for us.

I think the anxious part of our minds is aware of this fact and exploits it. Believe me, we've all been there.

I think the best thing to do is be honest with your family. Tell them that you say things you don't mean and you don't know why and you're working on it. That's a the best place to start.

Remember, this is your family, and they will understand your plight. The only catch is that you will have to do some work to treat them better, which I'm sure you know. But it is work. Tell them you're trying. You'll get better.

[Sannah]

Bloose, are you trying to protect yourself somehow (your ego) when you lash out?

[Michah]

Originally Posted by Bloose

I have been recently discovering (!) behaviors toward my family (i.e. saying terribly hurtful things which I can't believe I said). I have no idea why I would say these things but hearing them back from my wife and/or daughter is awful and is making me wonder if I am losing my grip...

I love my family deeply and really am trying to be a good husband.

Bloose, first let go of the guilt. U R to hard on yourself. Have you considered that maybe you are using defensive hurtful tactics to protect yourself? Maybe you are very afraid of abandonment, betrayal or love. You r not losing your grip. The fact that u r aware of it is a great start to healing. Forgive yourself and your family. You r a good man and a good husband. Get some help to resolve your conflict. Cognitive behavioural therapy is very good for this.

[skymonk]

I just recently did something similiar-I get paranoid&I get very angry&when I'm feeling either of those 2 feelings I react on impulse. Not good. I'd say noticing what you're doing is a good start. Past or current issues can do it. Your ego may be hurting too. It is a very sabatoging thing when it doesn't feel like it's getting what it wants. Remember only you can do the work on stopping the behaviors that are causing trouble&figuring out where the heck they're coming from. Most important-keep those impulses to just react in control-impulsive acts are very destructive. I'm working on this same kind of stuff myself. I've been trying to blame others for how I feel or how I react-but I've finally learned it's up to me to react or just let it pass as something not worth wasting my time&energy on. People can be jerks&they can trigger feelings from the past-you've just got to learn to not let them get the best of you. It's VERY hard to break this pattern. I'm at the stage where I've been IDing it when it happens&repeating to myself "I will not let someone make me upset&I will not react impulsively". Do you have other mental health issues? They may contribute too. Try reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle-it's all about how your ego when kept unchecked can reak havoc in your life. You'd be surprised at how much of this is learned behavior that may have worked in the past, but doesn't work in the current time. It's hard to break old habits-especially if you're unaware they exist in the first place. Also, there is a name for what you may be doing-verbal abuse. It definetly affects your marriage&your kids. When you catch yourself, apologize-that helps them&you need to look at how you are lashing out&why. It may have nothing to do with your family right now-but something from your past or mental health issues. I'm not saying you're crazy or bad-that's just beating yourself up&you are ALWAYS the person who beats you up the most. I'm not passing judgement-I just have experienced sabatoge from both ends-as giver&reciever&it doesn't feel good. If you're spiritual at all, I've found that just thinking to myself, "God, I don't like how I'm feeling or what I'm doing, please help me find another way." You'd be surprised at how well that works. Hope this helps&hang in there-don't give up-get over it. I'm where you are too, so I know how hard it is&how awful it can make you feel. Be kind to yourself&remember to ID what you're doing&apologize&make sure your family knows you're working on it. This is usually old bad habits coming to a head or stress or just not knowing how else to cope. DON'T GIVE UP!

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by skymonk

I just recently did something similiar-I get paranoid&I get very angry&when I'm feeling either of those 2 feelings I react on impulse. Not good. I'd say noticing what you're doing is a good start. Past or current issues can do it. Your ego may be hurting too. It is a very sabatoging thing when it doesn't feel like it's getting what it wants. Remember only you can do the work on stopping the behaviors that are causing trouble&figuring out where the heck they're coming from. Most important-keep those impulses to just react in control-impulsive acts are very destructive. I'm working on this same kind of stuff myself. I've been trying to blame others for how I feel or how I react-but I've finally learned it's up to me to react or just let it pass as something not worth wasting my time&energy on. People can be jerks&they can trigger feelings from the past-you've just got to learn to not let them get the best of you. It's VERY hard to break this pattern. I'm at the stage where I've been IDing it when it happens&repeating to myself "I will not let someone make me upset&I will not react impulsively". Do you have other mental health issues? They may contribute too. Try reading "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle-it's all about how your ego when kept unchecked can reak havoc in your life. You'd be surprised at how much of this is learned behavior that may have worked in the past, but doesn't work in the current time. It's hard to break old habits-especially if you're unaware they exist in the first place. Also, there is a name for what you may be doing-verbal abuse. It definetly affects your marriage&your kids. When you catch yourself, apologize-that helps them&you need to look at how you are lashing out&why. It may have nothing to do with your family right now-but something from your past or mental health issues. I'm not saying you're crazy or bad-that's just beating yourself up&you are ALWAYS the person who beats you up the most. I'm not passing judgement-I just have experienced sabatoge from both ends-as giver&reciever&it doesn't feel good. If you're spiritual at all, I've found that just thinking to myself, "God, I don't like how I'm feeling or what I'm doing, please help me find another way." You'd be surprised at how well that works. Hope this helps&hang in there-don't give up-get over it. I'm where you are too, so I know how hard it is&how awful it can make you feel. Be kind to yourself&remember to ID what you're doing&apologize&make sure your family knows you're working on it. This is usually old bad habits coming to a head or stress or just not knowing how else to cope. DON'T GIVE UP!

Thank you very much....this helped me a lot today!

TJ