[ThePainNeverDies]

I couldn't breathe, i couldn't see, I was talking to people online, one of which was an ambulance driver and trained paramedic. But also someone I'd never thought I'd ever open up to in a million years.

It started off with me going to my room and thinking about how I'd failed my plan to starve that day, because my friend, Karima, had come over and we'd made a pie and muffins and had some dinner together, along with Charlene.. I couldn't reguse it because I knew that Karima would have probably not had anything then, because she wouldn't have seen it as fair, her and Charlene eating and me not. So, yeah. It started off like that. Then, on the track of negative feelings, my happy spirit and uplifted mood dropped massively and I spiralled down, panicking and such, then i couldn't breathe, so panicked some more and the my asthma decided to kick in. No matter how many times I took my inhaler it just wouldn't settle down, so I panicked more.

In the meantime, Chris (the paramedic), was getting really quite worried and begged me to let him call me, or come and see me to help me out. I refused to let him see or hear me in such a state. He was trying so hard to calm me down and talk about what had caused it, but in that moment I couldn't think straight. I was too scared to let anyone see me in such a mess. He eventually coaxed me into letting him come over. 10 minutes later he was outside in his car, waiting. This was at around 12.05am.

I was so quiet, barely spoke, didn't look at him, fiddled and fidgeted, trying to avert my eyes from his face, because he looked so ganuinely concerned and I felt like he was pitying me.
He asked a lot of questions, to get me to talk through what caused it and such. I eventually opened up, surprisingly.. Considering I thought I'd never, in a million years, open up to him.

A lot was said between us and it helped, I began to calm down a bit. he said later on; "When I took your hand, I did it to take you out of your comfort zone and I'm sorry about that." I said that it was ok and that I needed to be taken oput of my comfort zone once in a while. I was very scared and edgy, but eventually calmed down a bit. We spoke until almost 2am and I still wasn't tired.

My breathing eased up and I relaxed a little, knowing that Chris wouldn't have come to see me if he didn't care and if he only wanted to make a fool of me. So, I told him quite a lot about my life and he was there for me and said that not many things shock him, but hearing the small bits of my life he's heard, has really shocked him and he's surprised at how 'normal' I can be, how well I can just cover it all up.

I guess it doesn't surprise me because I've been doing it all my life, I'm used to it by now, it's my natural reaction to anything that hurts me.

My heart says yes to opening up to Chris, but my head screams 'No! No! You can't trust anyone! You always get hurt! Don't be so stupid! Stop before you say too much, woman!' I'm trying my hardest to ignore what my head says and follow my heart for once, because if I don't trust Chris, I'll not trust anyone. I have to trust someone eventually.

I started to panic again last night when he came to see me again, I guess it was knowing that we'd be talking about ym past and such again, that I might cry or something. I'm still suffering with the chest pain and such from the attacks, but trying my best to keep them down, stop them happening..

I just. Hm. I'm so tense right now..

[Junerain]

Sounds as if your heart and your head are telling you two, very separate things..why, if you cannot trust Chris, cannot you trust ANYONE? There are good people in this world, I have found, many good and wonderful people, took me a while, yet I have found some good hearts and souls. It is wonderful you opened up..can you let a few others know the real you, too? I think the real you is a beautiful one! Then you can ask the few others their opinion of Chris, if _he is even good enough for _you, or someone else you open up to will also love you but in a non care taker way or mode........

[Sannah]

Hi TPND, how are things going today?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm a wreck. I'm shaking, because I have made the decision to go back to my adoptive family's house. I'm taking the presents for my dog that she should've got for Christmas. It's a scary and possibly dangerous task, but I don't care, so long as my baby gets the presents she deserves.. Chris is taking me..

I just know that Chris is someone that I should trust, because he's been there and come through it and he knows how to deal with it, as a professional and someone who's been through it. He's helping me.. And I need to understand that he's there to help me, to care about me and to be a friend, like many others aren't being.

I need to go and have a bath and pin my hair up, make myself feel better, then I'll be off to take the presents to my dearest little puppy. (even though she's 2!!). Its something I need to do, to make myself feel better in the knowledge that I promised myself and Shana etc that I would get her something, and I will be giving it to her.. God, I hope she runs into my arms!! That'll surely bring the tears.. But I don't care, it'll be happy tears because I miss her so much, but sad tears because I'll have to leave her..

I'll just want to scoop her up into my arms.. Take her, run away with her.. I could do it because she's legally mine, my name's on the birth papers, pedigree papers, both the ones that my adoptive family have and the ones that the owner of my pup's Mum and Dad. God, I miss her so much and if I see her, taht'll be the best day of my life.. It'll bring my spirits up so, so much.

Anyway, I'd better go.. I need to calm myself down a little..

Thanks for caring.

[Junerain]

Why aren't others being a friend & caring about you? You seem to be as worthy of care as the next person

[Sannah]

TPND, I hope you have a safe visit and enjoy your dog. I am glad that Chris is your friend........... Let us know how it went.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I don't know... Chris seems to be the only person that genuinely cares and wants to help.. Not even Connor seems interested in being there for me anymore.. I'm trying to hold on, but.. I just feel like it's all going wrong

I went to take the presents last night, Chris drove me there and parked outside the house. Me being a bit of an idiot, leaned on the gate (it had been snowing so my hand slipped on the snow), so the gate rattled really loudly.. I was going to go down the drive, knock on the door and give it to them, but I was too scared (wimp) that they'd have a go at me, or hurt me again.. I didn't hear my girl bark or anything, normally when the gate rattles, she barks her head off.. So.. For all I know she could have died giving birth to those pups, she could be lost, hurt, anything.. I know I'm probably worrying about nothing, but she's like a child to me.. She's my baby and she's hurting, i just know she is, something deep within me tells me that she's hurting in some way and that kills me...
So, instead, I just dropped the bag, sellotaped up, with another bag inside with the presents in, onto the big rock that's just inside the driveway. I saw that my adoptive parent's bedroom light was on, guessed they were watching T.V.. My dog's first time seeing snow and I'm not there to teach her what it is

I looked for her, almost called out her name, but she wasn't there.. It broke my heart, but I guessed that maybe she was nice and warm inside. I just wish I knew how she was.. But no-one will tell me the truth.. I'm getting her birth papers from the owner of her Mum and Dad, so I can try and get her back, ready for when I move into my flat in a few months' time. I hope I get her back.. But then, I don't want to hurt her by taking her away from the family she knows better now.. Better than she knows me *sob* I had to run back to Chris's car, because I was so scared they'd poke their heads out the window, see me and go crazy.. I had it all pictured in my head, that they'd open the door, Dolly (my dog) would come running out, I'd scoop her up in my arms and cry, then they'd start shouting and she'd start quivering in my arms.. I wished it had jhappened and almost cried.

I got back into the car and Chris said "You're ok, yeah?" I felt so thankful taht he was there and said that yes, I was fine now that I'd done it. I looked out of the window most of the time after that. I was so, so close to tears my right eye started to weep.. I made the excuse that I had something in my eye and he believed me, or at least he seemed to. We stopped in a quiet place and chatted for a while. He hugged me and I felt a little better, so.. It didn't nd all that badly..

Today's been a bit of a mess, came into college, there were only about 7 second years in and 8/9 first years, so we've been told that we can go home if it's safe to go. Never expected that! I broke down this morning, though.. Because I looked out my window and the snow was glistening right outside on the grass and dropping off the trees, it was beautiful.. I thought about my Foster Dad and wished he was there, so so much.. Along with my dog. I cried because I felt my heart ache so much. It really hurt, I sobbed so hard that I was almost late for college because I had to dry my face to put my makeup on. I just wish that he was here because.. He'd see the fun I had last night, with Chris, out driving in the snow and dumping snowballs on his head (teehee) laughing, smiling, feeling happy.. I even threw a snowball at him when he was leaning on a gate and it flew over his head and landed in front of him. He chased me in the snow and I slid on some ice. Just writing this, remembering it, makes me smile. I had so much fun. I just wish he'd been there to see it.

When Chris dropped me off home, we sat in the car for a bit and I looked into the Sky. He saw me looking and said "they're all over here, love. Come here." I leant over putting my arms on his legs, looking up into the Sky. I stared at one particular star and he pointed to it and said; "that's the brightest one." I smiled, feeling warm inside, not feeling silly like I usually do when I look into the Sky when others are there. I remember on Sunday night, telling him that my Foster Dad had always told me that if I looked up into the night Sky for the... And he'd finished my sentence and I was so.. So happy that he understood what it meant to me, you know?

He's going to come and see me again tonight, I think this is turning into a habit! but, he makes me happy and makes me feel like someone does actually care.

Uh-oh.. Alec's just seen me and asked me to go see him grrr. Stupid man. I told Chris about him and he said to report him, for being so personal and m aking me feel very uncomfortable.. I'm a bit scared to say the least, but it's got to be done.

At least I have the day off college today because of the snow but.. I slipped over twice this morning on my way to college! I was so embarrassed! But I just laughed it off .

Let's hope this meeting with Alec goes well. Wish me luck! *crosses fingers*

[Sannah]

I'm glad that Chris makes you happy!. How did it go with Alec?

[ThePainNeverDies]

It went badly. I told him about a swan that got caught in an electric fence, that Chris and other members of his ambulance crew (they rescue anything!), had needed to go and rescue. I said that I felt sad because the swan had broken a leg and a wing, so was probably going to be put down. He completely invalidated my feelings, by saying "well, how important is this swan in your life?! What can you do, get all the swans in the country that could possibly harm themselves and lock them up in cages, where they'll be really unhappy?!" I was like.. No.. I just said it was a bit sad, that's all.. So, I got pretty p*ssed of with him to be honest.

I told him about the panic attack and that Chris had come to help me, he didn't seem too bothered by it. He was really quite nasty in the meeting, he tried to put me on the spot. He said "Let me see your arms." I said no and he said why, so I told him that no-one sees my arms if they ask to. He went silent, trying to make me crack. I said to him "I'm not going to break, Alec." He just laughed at me and then later on tried saying that he DID put me on the spot. I got annoyed and said "Well, actually, you TRIED to put me on the spot, but guess what? I didn't let you!" and then walked away feeling pretty damn chuffed with myself.

So.. Yeah, the meeting with Alec was rubbish, but there's no surprise there.

[Sannah]

Is Alec your therapist?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Yes. Supposed to be, but he's a complete *sshole.. I now call him arsehole Alec when I talk about him to Chris. He's really not helping, so it looks like I'll be changing therapists soon.

[Sannah]

A better therapist would be good. You know what, though, you stand up to him pretty good. You are pretty tough!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Hm. I know, but finding therapists around here is almost impossible..

Pfft. Me? Tough? I don't agree, but I'm trying to realise that I'm stronger than I think I am. I'm still not tough enough to tell him that i don't want to see him anymore..