[ThePainNeverDies]

Panic, panic, panic!!! I'm completely losing my rag right now, snapping at everyone, on the verge of tears and if my lecturer for music listening skills asks if I've done the essay I'll break down, because I just can't do it!! She's not even f*cking explained and everything's getting on top of me!! i thought I was head of the work, but no.. If anything, I'm behind, i've done everything in the wrong order, I've got s**t all research and i'm failing at everything absolutely everything. Connor's having a go about me leaving it until the last minute. I wasn't even given a month to do these damned essays and now they're all due in on the same week! What the ***** am I supposed to do?!?!

I feel really, really sick, I'm gonna cry I feel tired, frustrated, dirty, fat. What the hell is wrong with me? Everything's going wrong and nothing is going to get better unless I get some help with this f*cking workload and yet no-one will help me *cries* I can't do it all by myself, I struggle as it is and now I have to up my grades on yet another essay that I only got a pass on, I have to get at least a Merit. i just want to quite this course completely and just get a f*cking job. Nothing's working out for me at the moment and my depressions hitting an all time low again and I feel so stuck and so alone in all this. Everyone else is on top of their work.. i can't do it at home, yet I barely get the time to do it when I'm at college because i have to write songs, have to learn songs, print lyrics, write out music to songs.. And it's all too much.

All i can do now is panic. I can't get any help from the lecturer for listeningskills because she's s**t and won't help me at all she'll just say "well just write about John cage's 4"33'" and I'll just break down and scream and say "I KNOW I HAVE TO DO THAT, BUT TELL ME HOW THE ***** TO DO IT!!!!!"

I just don't know how much more i can take.. I'm leaving my arranging music lesson 40 minutes early, so I can go home and have a bath and feel clean at the very least.. then I'm going to try and get on a bloody computer to try and get the f*cking work done. But then Tash'll come up to me, complaining, saying "i didn't get to go to f*cking prince's Trust because of you, because you wouldn't give me £4.00 to get the bus there and back. You f*cking ******" *sigh* what the ***** am i supposed to do?! Maybe she should've saved her own money!! i don't owe her any money, so i shouldn't be paying for her to go to Prince's Trust! But then i feel guilty because I'm stopping her from going by not giving her the money, meaning I'm stopping her from getting to know the people and do some activities, meaning I'm stopping her from getting EMA and getting a qualification out of it.. They get EMA for HAVING FUN. WTF???!! And all us college people who have s**tloads of work to be in by the week after next and are panicking about it, get to watch them doing basically ***** all, getting a qualification for it AND getting money, PLUS us who work on top of college, have to pay taxes and all that s**t to pay for their EMA for doing Jack s**t!!! It's so f*cking unjust!!

And yeah, I'm panicking and I feel sick and I'm gonna throw up if I'm not careful.. I'm so weak I think I'm gonna collapse.. If one more person says something to me about "have you done your essay, have you done your research, have you done this, have you done that"? I will scream my head off. Someone will seriously get a punch I don't hit people, but if Tash tries to have a go at me for not giving her money, i won't be able to hold back.

I need to go

[EJ711]

Hi The Pain Never Dies,

If it is any comfort I am a college teacher, and feel similarly to what you described in your post.

If you will PM me, maybe I can help you think through your essays. Just start each of them. You know like create a rough draft, just to get them started and your thought process flowing. It is always better to turn in something than nothing at all. Can you drop any of your classes?

EJ

[Sannah]

TPND, I am sorry that you are having a tough time. You still have time to turn these things in. Take a deep breath. Who is Tash to you?

[ThePainNeverDies]

(((((EJ711)))))
Thankyou so much, that'd be such a great help!! I'll write down the assignment briefs into a PM for you on Monday, is that ok? ThankyouThankyouThankyou!!!

Tash is a "friend" someone that lives in the same supported housing as me.. I haven't seen her tonight.. been working my *** off in the gym.

Can't breathe, panicking.. Because I did a workout for an hour.. Called "The killer workout".

First, I cycled for 10 minutes, then I ran for 3 1/2 minutes, before my lungs decided to start dying and make it hugely difficult to breathe, so walked for the other 1 1/2 minutes.. Then I did 10 press ups, then 15 push ups, with my hands on a bench and feet on the floor, with legs bent, then feet on the floor with legs straightened, then feet on a step with legs straight (so 45 altogether) then I did 20 dumbell lifts, with one hand out to the side, one in front alternating.. Did 2 sets of those. Then,I did the "Killer Abs Workout" which is 20 normal situps, with no break, 20 sit ups with my legs up, with no break do those 3 times, and with no breaks between each set of 20.. So all my muscles are hurting and I can barely breathe, but refuse to take my inhaler because I don't want to have to rely on my inhaler to help my asthma, I want my lungs to sort themselves out.

So yeah, that's released a lot of energy.. Found out that my aural perception essay is easy peasy!! Just 500 words!! And I have almost all of the info I need and my lecturers given us a sheet to fill out about the composers and the piece of music to help us along, so that's that one sorted. The one I'm panicking about the most is the music industry one.. It's got to be a booklet entitled "all you wanted to know about copyright and royalties but was afraid to ask". I'm really struggling with that one.
Paul Mckinley is ok with me about the essay for his lesson because I'm doing so well with the re-arrangement of "Cavatina" from The Deerhunter, I changed the whole of the second vocal line today, deleted it all (it's the Alto line) and started it again, so it alternates between being in 3rds and 5ths below the soprano line, but linking in with the Bass line. *phew* it's so tiring..

I was going to leave the lesson early, but decided against it.. I was actually enjoying it at that point. But I'm still quite panicked about it. :S

OOOOOHH!! AAAAAND FINALLY!! You will be pleased to hear! I'm doing some videos this weekend of me playing my guitar, singing some covers of songs that I've done, and some of my own songs and even better putting them on youtube! I will link you on Sunday when they go up, or if not, Monday.. My name on youtube is KirstenWoodman, if you want to check it out on Sunday/Monday

[Sannah]

There, now you will be able to focus on your work and get it done...

How is your leg with the exercise? Your lungs are going to sort themselves out? Be careful, asthma is nothing to mess around with. There is nothing wrong with taking an inhaler to breath easier.........

I'm glad that you are feeling better!

[digdug]

College work can always seem more ovewhelming than it is. Once you get going on things, it's amazing how quickly they can fall together.

I have readings piling up one me like crazy and I'm not exactly in the mood to read them, but once I start I can take care of at least the main stuff, and not worry so much about the secondary materials.

Remember with essays that nobody is expecting perfection. A good prof/instructor will expect mistakes, and is looking more for an effort to make a coherent argument and write it well. I received a high grade on an essay last semester in which I made a statement that turned out to be completely and utterly false. The prof said he liked the rest of the essay and the worked I put into it, and since this was my first semester in grad school he let it slide.

So don't worry about perfection. You can just get going on your work and do the best you can.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Panic, panic, panic!!! I'm completely losing my rag right now, snapping at everyone, on the verge of tears and if my lecturer for music listening skills asks if I've done the essay I'll break down, because I just can't do it!! She's not even f*cking explained and everything's getting on top of me!! i thought I was head of the work, but no.. If anything, I'm behind, i've done everything in the wrong order, I've got s**t all research and i'm failing at everything absolutely everything. Connor's having a go about me leaving it until the last minute. I wasn't even given a month to do these damned essays and now they're all due in on the same week! What the ***** am I supposed to do?!?!

I feel really, really sick, I'm gonna cry I feel tired, frustrated, dirty, fat. What the hell is wrong with me? Everything's going wrong and nothing is going to get better unless I get some help with this f*cking workload and yet no-one will help me *cries* I can't do it all by myself, I struggle as it is and now I have to up my grades on yet another essay that I only got a pass on, I have to get at least a Merit. i just want to quite this course completely and just get a f*cking job. Nothing's working out for me at the moment and my depressions hitting an all time low again and I feel so stuck and so alone in all this. Everyone else is on top of their work.. i can't do it at home, yet I barely get the time to do it when I'm at college because i have to write songs, have to learn songs, print lyrics, write out music to songs.. And it's all too much.

All i can do now is panic. I can't get any help from the lecturer for listeningskills because she's s**t and won't help me at all she'll just say "well just write about John cage's 4"33'" and I'll just break down and scream and say "I KNOW I HAVE TO DO THAT, BUT TELL ME HOW THE ***** TO DO IT!!!!!"

I just don't know how much more i can take.. I'm leaving my arranging music lesson 40 minutes early, so I can go home and have a bath and feel clean at the very least.. then I'm going to try and get on a bloody computer to try and get the f*cking work done. But then Tash'll come up to me, complaining, saying "i didn't get to go to f*cking prince's Trust because of you, because you wouldn't give me £4.00 to get the bus there and back. You f*cking ******" *sigh* what the ***** am i supposed to do?! Maybe she should've saved her own money!! i don't owe her any money, so i shouldn't be paying for her to go to Prince's Trust! But then i feel guilty because I'm stopping her from going by not giving her the money, meaning I'm stopping her from getting to know the people and do some activities, meaning I'm stopping her from getting EMA and getting a qualification out of it.. They get EMA for HAVING FUN. WTF???!! And all us college people who have s**tloads of work to be in by the week after next and are panicking about it, get to watch them doing basically ***** all, getting a qualification for it AND getting money, PLUS us who work on top of college, have to pay taxes and all that s**t to pay for their EMA for doing Jack s**t!!! It's so f*cking unjust!!

And yeah, I'm panicking and I feel sick and I'm gonna throw up if I'm not careful.. I'm so weak I think I'm gonna collapse.. If one more person says something to me about "have you done your essay, have you done your research, have you done this, have you done that"? I will scream my head off. Someone will seriously get a punch I don't hit people, but if Tash tries to have a go at me for not giving her money, i won't be able to hold back.

I need to go

Screw the Princes Trust. Those princes had their arse's handed everything to them. Real people have to make hard choices and actually work for a living. If Tash wants money, tell her to get it herself. I think "The Princes Trust" will do fine without her...

I think what you have to do is reevaluate your priorities. It sounds like you have WAY too much on your plate. Have you ever seen a therapist? I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and ADHD. I'm a university student myself and I know how hard it is to try to go everything alone. I'll tell ya one thing, and that is that it seems like maybe your not only taking on too much at once (not slowing down enough to even understand assignments for instance), but maybe trying the same strategy and ending up with the same results. You have to try a different strategy. Remember your not SuperMan, and don't expect too much from yourself.

I think you should see a psychologist and talk about your academic/anxiety problems, what do you think?

[Simcha]

Then,I did the "Killer Abs Workout" which is 20 normal situps, with no break, 20 sit ups with my legs up, with no break do those 3 times, and with no breaks between each set of 20.. So all my muscles are hurting and I can barely breathe, but refuse to take my inhaler because I don't want to have to rely on my inhaler to help my asthma, I want my lungs to sort themselves out.

Heya. I have moderate-severe asthma myself.
It's really NOT a good idea to think that your lungs will "sort themselves out by themselves" because asthma doesn't work that way. You might even be making it WORSE by causing airway remodeling, which is irreversible.

You might also be causing some of your panic symptoms yourself, as panic attacks and anxiety can come from untreated asthma exacerbations and attacks. Asthma is chronic and there is no cure. Your lungs will not sort themselves out by themselves. You need to avoid triggers, engage in lifestyle changes, and take medication. Many people who are well controlled can go YEARS without any symptoms whatsoever, but you have to take care of your asthma first.

You should take two puffs of your albuterol inhaler 20 minutes before exercising, and that will prevent the chest tightness.

[ThePainNeverDies]

My leg was fine with all the exercise. It didn't hurt at all. The only thing that hurt about my leg was my shin, for some strange reason.. Woke up this morning, though and I'm really feeling the pain!! But it's good, shows I worked hard.

I can breathe today Uhhhm. Yeah. Tash didn't say anything to me about the Prince's Trust, so I'm guessing she either didn't go and doesn't care, or scabbed the money off someone else. Pff. I'm fed up of people always begging me for money, it's like I'm made of it.. Tash gets £35 more than me!! Don't know where it all goes.. Food, alcohol, buses to see her Mum.. Hm. That's funny, she seemed to have the money to go see her Mum. She probably just wanted the money to smoke herself to death. GRRRR!

I have seen a therapist, but he stopped working at the college before christmas.. He really helped as well, so I'm looking into seeing another psych. *sigh* just trying to figure out how to get all this other bloody work done. It's all piling up..

I just hope that I get all the essays in on time.. I don't know whether if I just do the introduction and some other short paragraphs, briefly explaining it and such, my tutor will be like "You've failed. You're rubbish. What the hell is going on with you in that thick head of yours?! You can't do it again." Because she's like that.. I don't think luke'll understand either I'm getting so fed up of panicking about it all the time

[Irine]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

. I don't know whether if I just do the introduction and some other short paragraphs, briefly explaining it and such, my tutor will be like "You've failed. You're rubbish. What the hell is going on with you in that thick head of yours?! You can't do it again." Because she's like that.. I don't think luke'll understand either I'm getting so fed up of panicking about it all the time

I conpletely undestand you. I am a college student too!

I know exactly how you feel. Believe me, this FEAR that you won`t do it on time, the thoughts of wat you carp teacher says - prevent you from thinking straigh and doing it right. You can`t sell your self asteem for the low price of having your teacher say this or that. I know how it feels when themn profs, who think they are God or something - talk geeraly - they almost never incourage you! They will scold you with pleasure - but say "thats great you have improved or even ifts not great - all this hard work we are doing - we should give ourselves the encouragment. We should rememeber we have done THE BEST WE COULD and that the Gdolike prof saying " you are rubbish" - this is sad we let it affect it. Cant you ask the teacher not to talk like that? it IS inapproproate!

I remember doign some shittiy Job for my typography design class, and we present in infront of all the class- and he says "are you stable mentally? because i am going to get out on you" and told me that this work would shame a first year student. ( i am on my last)

Talk to her like - politely, in a respectful, calm maner and tell her that thsese expressions - are not haleping but doing exactly the opposite.

I think that your enxiety is a problem. Go to a psych. I know that if anything - this is why you don`t succeed to do all you want. You may not rememebr who you are really - on a deeper spiritual level - and theus not have all the energy and the fun. I see you are not totally a wreck though.
You do things fine.

read The Artsts Way by julia cameron. Great book.

hugs

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thankyou,

I'm not so panicked over the work, but I'm still slightly panicked about it, just trying to get as much research done as possible. If research is all I have and can do, research is all they're gonna get.

Problem with seeing a psych is.. There are no psych services around here Whatsoever! It's so crappy! I want to see the psych I last saw, so he can help me sort this out, but he charges quite a bit. He's a college teacher too, though, so I'll have to wait and see.

[sfashian1187]

Hey Painneverdies, I just wanted that I'm sorry your going through all this stress. Thats exactly what happened to me and i ended up dropping out of college because I couldn't handle the overload of work and stress! But don't worry you get through it and you'll see brighter days! Just remember some things fall apart so better things fall together! Hang in there!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I just.. I feel like I'm failing at everything.. College, life at home, relationship with Connor, my own life.. My head, stuff with my T.. I just.. I'm such a failure at everything!!

[Sannah]

TPND, struggling does not equal failure. I have never failed at anything in my life. I only saw it as meeting up with road blocks that I had to figure out how to manuever around. Failure is not in my vocabulary. I have had MANY road blocks in my life. Not one of them have ever stopped me. You can view these things the same way. It all just comes down to how you view these things. If you use a failure viewpoint it will doom you. You can see things another way..........

[ThePainNeverDies]

I need to learn that one.. For definate...

I know I can try to see things another way, but at the moment, everything I do wrong has, to me, equalled failure.. I have seemingly failed at a lot of things.. Which I need to learn are not failures, either mistakes or right-doings of mine that other people just can't accept.. Like Connor and I going on a break.. He's telling me I'm wrong for doing that..

I burst into tears today because he just keeps telling me I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong.. I feel like I can't do anything right! Staying with him was making things worse, going on a break is making things worse.. What the hell else can I do?

[Sannah]

Sounds like Connor is definitely messing with your head. You do not have to accept his opinion.

[musicislife]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Thankyou,

I'm not so panicked over the work, but I'm still slightly panicked about it, just trying to get as much research done as possible. If research is all I have and can do, research is all they're gonna get.

Problem with seeing a psych is.. There are no psych services around here Whatsoever! It's so crappy! I want to see the psych I last saw, so he can help me sort this out, but he charges quite a bit. He's a college teacher too, though, so I'll have to wait and see.

Remember that getting help is the most important thing to do first, no matter how expensive it is. I'm currently seeing a psychologist to make sure I'm ready for the stresses of college. I wish you much luck!

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I need to learn that one.. For definate...

I know I can try to see things another way, but at the moment, everything I do wrong has, to me, equalled failure.. I have seemingly failed at a lot of things.. Which I need to learn are not failures, either mistakes or right-doings of mine that other people just can't accept.. Like Connor and I going on a break.. He's telling me I'm wrong for doing that..

I burst into tears today because he just keeps telling me I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong.. I feel like I can't do anything right! Staying with him was making things worse, going on a break is making things worse.. What the hell else can I do?

I think see someone for therapy would be the answer. A psychologist can help figure out the problems and then you can have a partner in solving them.
Please hang in there. There are answers, you just need to talk to someone about the problems to find them.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know. I'm trying my hardest to engage in therapy and such, but it's so, so difficult I find it so hard to talk to people about my problems and such.

Whilst I'm waiting to find out about an appointment with a psych, I'm going to be seeing someone from SWEDA, to help me work through the issues. College work still isn't much better, but I'm getting there. I think.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I know. I'm trying my hardest to engage in therapy and such, but it's so, so difficult I find it so hard to talk to people about my problems and such.

Whilst I'm waiting to find out about an appointment with a psych, I'm going to be seeing someone from SWEDA, to help me work through the issues. College work still isn't much better, but I'm getting there. I think.

Have you considered that in addition to anxiety, you might have underlying adult ADHD?

More common than you think.

The hardest part is making the appointment with a therapist the first time. Once you talk to them and start to gain rapport and trust with them, you find they are really helpful. Face your fears, and things get better. Sitting on the fence is the worst thing ever!

[ThePainNeverDies]

ADHD? What makes you say that? Sorry if I sound offended. I'm not! lol. Just wondered how it might seem that way..?

It's ok, one of the appointments is made. It'll be my initial assessment.
I just just did some combat work with Dom (fitness instructor), which was good fun. I need to grasp the jump-kick though. I looked rather silly! Good fun though

I got pretty drunk last night because I was in a really s**tty mood, so just decided to lighten up a bit and have a drink with Charlene. It was rather funny, considering we were laughing at the most stupid of things.

I just wish that I could laugh that much, be that happy, normally..

[ECHOES]

I just wish that I could laugh that much, be that happy, normally..

I see no reason that you can't

Have you tried relaxation exercises? They are so peaceful and relaxing. I listen to a CD nearly every day and sometimes more than once a day. We do have the ability to relax within us. The CD is a quiet guide. Anyway, when you practice this regularly it helps very much with anxiety and it gives you the skills to use to relax quickly when needed.



I bought my CD online from www.wholeperson.com. It's a CD called "Warm and Heavy". Those are the 2 exercises on it: Warm is one and Heavy is the other. There are other guided imagery CD's there that are also helpful. I also use those and I like Stressbreaks Two, "Natural Tranquilizers".

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have used relaxation techniques, I use them as often as I can and teaching others enables me to do it as well. I have a relaxation CD to help me sleep, too, that my hypnotherapist gave me. It did work for a while, but then began to wear off, which is a bit annoying.

I'm trying to keep my anxiety as low as possible, but with all these pains.. It seems impossible..