[cantstopcrying]

I just received papers from my mortgage company offering to do a loan remodification, but they need $1725 by 1/9/09....which I don't have but my folks are lending to me. However, I still have to fill out paperwork and it has to be approved and I have been praying for something like this to happen. I am so happy but nervous nervous nervous. I should be thinking yippee! but instead I'm thinking, "they won't approve it." "I KNOW they won't approve it." "something will go wrong". I can't get the negative thoughts to go away, though I want them too. I can't stop shaking and looking in fear at these papers....which I never would have had the courage to open if a friend hadn't sat with me while I did it. Plus there's the whole borrowing money from my parents. I feel like a loser for having to do it and I know there will come a lecture--there's always a lecture (though I don't know what they find to lecture about because I have no extra's no credit cards nothing...it's usually just about my personal life!) Anyway!!!! I need help with CBT...it isn't working and I just need other input and someone to maybe type it out for me. I'm sorry. Thank you.

[Sannah]

CSC, why wouldn't they approve the loan remodification?

I'm sorry about the lecture coming from your parents

[cantstopcrying]

I don't know why they wouldn't...because I've been late a few times...but that's why they are offering it. I don't know. It's the negative thinking. Part of me thinks they won't approve it just because I'm me. Hopefully I have forestalled the lecture by thanking them profusely, telling them I hate having to do it and I'll repay it as soon as I can and make payments until I can pay it in full. Think positive, think positive. Realistic but positive.

[Sannah]

If they offered it I can't imagine why they wouldn't approve it. Does having things up in the air drive you nuts?

[cantstopcrying]

Extremely nuts!! Plus I'll be spending the 26th-5th in Florida with my parents, so I'll be away from my comfort zone and feel out of control of things.

[Sannah]

I see why you are feeling anxious. I remember when things not being settled would put me on edge. Any plans on how you are going to cope with your trip? Will the nicer weather help? Can you spend a lot of time outside?

[purplebutterfly]

*sending warm fuzzies* your way.....i will pray that it all works out for you...enjoy Florida ......((((((((cantstopcrying))))))))

[cantstopcrying]

The nice weather will help a lot, I hope. I plan on spending every minute possible outside (of course, then comes the self-esteem issues of not liking how I look in shorts and not even knowing if I have any that fit!). I know that, because my mom's friends will be around, she will behave a little more than normal so I won't have too many put-downs, but I'm sure I'll handle it just like I always do....smile and shove the feelings to my feet! I'm praying that because this is the first time the girls and I have gone done there with them that things will be good. It really is the up in the air feeling that's getting to me. I have been so nauseated I haven't eaten anything all day, which isn't bad on the not eating but the nausea is from worry, I know. Ok, the trip down--5 of us in a car--will be stressful, so I'm prepared for that. Everything else will be good, it'll be good. It could just as easily be good as bad, right? So think good, prepare for bad.

[Sannah]

Hmmmm, how to get you to feel okay about this stuff that is unsettled...... Can you focus on the things that are secure in your life right now????

[cantstopcrying]

I don't exactly have a lot that is secure. Work is always always always hectic....we've talked about my personal life before . Thoughts about my kids always leads to money worries (college, lessons, etc). I don't know. Think....Ummm.....

[Sannah]

Your job is secure. You are not in danger of losing it. You will always be able to get your self out of any situation because you are competent.....

What you have just told me about your mom and these cut downs.......hmmm........ gives a little clue to where you find yourself now. Funny you have never mentioned it before.........

[cantstopcrying]

I try not to mention her--she's a good woman who just constantly puts me and anything related to me down. Always has, from my handwriting to my lack of friends in school to my parenting skills (I commited a major sin....when Kait was in second grade she wanted to wear two different color socks to school and I LET HER!!)

You're right--my job is secure--they do need me....even though they don't appreciate me, they do need me. That is a positive (if I can keep from thinking what a mess my desk will be when I return!)

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

I try not to mention her--she's a good woman

who just constantly puts me and anything related to me down. Always has, from my handwriting to my lack of friends in school to my parenting skills

Hmmmmmmm, I think her effect on you has been huge..............

[cantstopcrying]

Actually, it has. I tried seperating myself from her once and my dad about had a heart attack, literally. He was so appalled that I would keep her grandchildren from her when she loves them more than life even though I explained what it does to me and will do to them and he said he knows how she is but that's just her and I need to believe in myself and know that he believes in me and just accept it.

[(JD)]

From what I've heard and read, it's the MODIFICATIONS of mortgages and loans that caused people to go into foreclosure. (Maybe they aren't under regulations like regular mortgages are, without full disclosure and explanations of what the terms are and how it works???)

See if you can do a full refinance instead, if the current company won't, try others. Go to Suzeorman.com and see what free advice she has there.

[cantstopcrying]

I can't........

[Sannah]

CSC, maybe you can grow and heal to the point where your mom can't affect you? You know, get to the point where you can see her lips moving but you can't hear her put downs. She had power over you before but now she really doesn't. She is just a woman who has some issues that's all. Take back your power (and no one cooperates with you on this. You don't get their permission. You just do it no matter what consequences they try to dish out).

[cantstopcrying]

Oh Sannah, I'm trying so hard. We arrived in Florida tonight and all the way here little snippy comments were made that were "just joking" or "just being funny" and while I can handle them, they hurt the girls. For instance, Tori lost her wallet the day before Christmas Eve. My mom bought the wallet for her because she didn't like the purse Tori was using. Tori had her driving permit and $70 in it (we had been Christmas shopping). I can't even count the number of times my mother has made comments about how it's irritating when you buy someone something then they lose it. I already talked to Tori about responsibility and she feels horrible, but it was an accident; so I made the comment every time that it was an accident and if this is the worse thing that happens to her then she's doing good! Like I said, I pretty much tune out the comments about me, but here's one that should go into the hall of fame: We were in the hotel and Kaity hugged me and said, "my momma" and Tori said, "So these 16 years have been a lie..she's not me mom, too?" in an overly dramatic funny way and Kaity said, "Nope, I'm done sharing, she's mine, only mine," and my mom says "You don't want to not share your mother with anyone. What's going to happen when you guys move away? If she doesn't find someone soon she'll be alone forever and you don't want that for your poor mom." Kaity said, "Nana!!!" and my mom said, "Well what? Look at her. She's not getting any younger or thinner!" Great. It's so hard to "not hear" those words.
And here we are at the place in Florida--a retirement community for "snowbirds" and I'm so trying not to be sad--seeing all the people..couples...who have been married for years and years and years.

[Sannah]

Okay, maybe you can't not hear that stuff! How about standing up to her and letting her know how her lifetime of comments has affected you?

[Cthomas]

I agree, i never got the chance to tell my real mom how i felt. about hearing i was fat, stupid and hopefully will marry a rich man.

Let her have it!!!!!! tell her you are sick and tired of the comments. you have kids around her hearing what she is saying about theyre mother.

I know its hard. god how i wish id have let my mother have it.....ok enough of the soap box.

I hope things are better for you there. thinking about you.

Colleen

[sunrise]

cantstopcrying, there came a time in my life when I was just sick of how my mother continued to treat me, even though I was an adult. (There was some convoluted logic I had that it was OK for her to mistreat me when I was a kid, but not when I was an adult.) I was tired of her verbal abuse, insults, yelling at me, saying horrid things, hanging up the phone on me, dumping stuff that belonged to me on the sidewalk, etc, etc, etc. I guess I had told myself I was just putting up with it because I wanted her to have a relationship with my kids, I wanted them to have a grandma in their lives. Finally (when I was in my 30s!!) I laid the law down. I told her she could not treat me that way anymore, and if she did, she would not be allowed to see my daughters. I guess having that leverage finally did the trick and she improved her behavior dramatically so that she would be allowed to see her grandkids. I don't feel guilty about it at all. It's really not good for your kids to see grandma treat their mom that way, anyway. So cantstoptrying, if you have some leverage, due to your kids, go ahead and use it. Maybe your Mom's behavior will improve. If it doesn't, then she has only herself to blame if she misses out on seeing her grandkids grow up. Take the plunge. You may be surprised--it may work. And if it doesn't? What have you lost? An abusive presence in your life.

[cantstopcrying]

I tried that years ago and my dad stepped in and was very angry at me and said, "what are you going to do...keep your kids from her? That will kill her. You know she doesn't mean any harm by it. You will not do that to her...I didn't raise you to just cut your mother out of your life." **Gulp** No guilt there. Today we went to the beach and we were all laying on a big blanket and my dad asked for something to lay on and I said I had been laying my pillow on Kaity's butt, but she got up; my mom said, "Well I was looking at that stomach thinking what a nice soft pillow it would make." I said "Whose stomach!?" Of course she meant mine!! Lovely. Then we saw a lady that was excessively--morbidly--overweight wearing short short short shorts and a bikini top and I said, very sadly, "Oh I hope I don't look like that." She was the only one there with me and she said nothing! I'm 5'10 and 182 pounds and do you think she could reassure me? Nope. The girls love her to death (ok, Tori does, Kaity doesn't like to be with her) and see what she does to me. If anything at all is said, she comes back with tears saying, "I was just joking. Everyone else can joke. I'll just shut up." OR, "Oh Marci! Why do you have to be so sensitive about everything?" I'll just get over it.

[notz]

can'tstopcrying,

My pulse is just racing reading this! So much is so familiar! My mother would say and do things like you describe. My father would sometimes intervene on my behalf and make her behave but after he died, she continued unfettered.

I spent years running back-and-forth on a see saw trying to balance the gamut of emotions I invariably went through over and over and over again. Many things had to happen before her “behavior” lessened its grip on me. I won’t go into all that, but I will say nothing happens overnight.

I had to learn to speak to the bully. She said things that I wouldn’t allow others to get away with so I had to find my voice. She had trained me to not object and to passively accept whatever she dished out. I had to unlearn that and find a fair and reasonable voice for me. Difficult--yes, but not out-of-the question.

One thing that worked well was something my mother would always say when conversations got a little too heated. She would say, “Now, let’s be nice…” When she would start with the cutting remarks I would say the same “now, let’s be nice…” Her favorite comeback was to say, “Well, it’s the truth.” And I would say, “now Mother, just because it’s true doesn’t make it ------------ (fill in the blank). My fill ins were: nice, nice to say, fair, right, polite, etc. It wasn't a magic fix and it took time and practice but I learned to hear my voice and that was what mattered. I couldn't control her and she could no longer control me.

Listen for your voice--the calm, resonable, parental voice you use with your children. Use it. That's your place of strength and resilence. After all, what your mother is doing is childish and immature. As a mom, you've had plenty of experience with that! And jmo based upon what I've read here, you're very good with reason, you're strong and you're resilient. I hope it gets better.

Have a nice get away in Florida.

notz

[cantstopcrying]

notz....thank you so much for your words! I like that approach of now let's be nice. I just wish I had the strength for it. I will constantly read and re-read your words and sannah's. Sannah, I am trying very hard while down here to not to think negatively and to not worry about things I can't control!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

my dad stepped in and was very angry at me and said, "what are you going to do...keep your kids from her? That will kill her. You know she doesn't mean any harm by it. You will not do that to her...I didn't raise you to just cut your mother out of your life."

I want to kick your dad's butt too! It doesn't matter what she means to do! What matters is what is happening and what it is doing to you! All the issues that you bring here to discuss CSC resulted from this treatment by your mom. All your doubts about yourself, your fears of getting close to others because you have low self worth, they came from this treatment by your mom, the person who is supposed to love and nurture you. I don't know about you CSC, but I'm pissed now. Anger just might be what can empower you so that you can tell this woman what she needs to hear!

I'll bet she was treated this way or something? Her behavior towards you is more about her than it is about you. She has to cut you down because it must meet some need of hers?

And BTW, we are about the same size. I'm 5'8" and weigh 174. I'm probably bigger than you and my husband loves me anyways (and I love myself anyways too!). This size is chunky but it isn't obese!