[Reina-Rena]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. Lately, I have this weird feeling when thinking about speaking to another male. I wasn't like this untill recently...Although I have always been a little shy around guys, its never gotten to the point of not talking to them at all. I don't mind talking to guys on forums or through emails, but when it comes to speaking face-to-face, or on the phone I feel akward. When I was younger (12 or 13 years old), I was touched very inapproprietly by a man...It was a very traumatic time in my life, and it haunts me even to this day. I used to have friends that were guys up untill recently-I just stopped talking to them as much as I used to. I feel like I am betraying my boyfriend even though Im just speaking. It feels as though there is a voice in my head saying things such as "Since your talking to him, you must like him.", "Your a dirty, little w****." "Your disgusting." The list can go on and on...I know that the voices are not true, but sometimes they really get to me...Can someone please give me a helping hand of advice on how to ignore these unwanted thoughts? Personal stories are welcome!

[jerrymichele]

I think that you should talk to your bf about this. I think that maybe you think this is bothering your bf.

[Sannah]

Reina, there is no ignoring them. There is only figuring them out and understanding them. You have these thoughts in your head because of what happened to you.

[Reina-Rena]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

I think that you should talk to your bf about this. I think that maybe you think this is bothering your bf.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about these problems...He doesn't really like the idea of me talking to other guys, but he doesn't mind it. I just personally feel like if I talk to a male, then I am somehow cheating on my boyfriend.

[Irine]

can you give a better description, overall... this relationship with your boyfriend? Why doesnt he like the idea of you talking to ther guys?

I used to study in a religious school only for girls - and used to be shy around men myself. but i agree that all that happened to you...may have some weight.

that being said i compeltely agree with Sannah -

i don`t think exlpaining to your bf about it will do any good. you see- people never know what EXACTLY is going on inside us, your boyfriend is not objective. ususally what happenes when we are open to people about our mental issues and those people are....not therapists or havent been through simmilar things, and are not extemely deep and wise...i am not saying anything bad about your boyfriend. I just see from your post he didnt do any good (maybe not bad either...but still)

Have you ever tried therapy to get over your traumatic past? accordng to what you say - you havent gotten over it yet. i know that time does it, but sometimes we need help with it (well, with traumatic stuff - almost most of the time)

[Reina-Rena]

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

can you give a better description, overall... this relationship with your boyfriend? Why doesnt he like the idea of you talking to ther guys?

My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship. We have trusted one another for three years. We just recently met for the first time back in Febuary of this year...When he left, it seemed like my OCD symptoms got worse, along with depression. We are both the jelouse type...Although, I think this 'Jelousy' issue has decreased over the years. The truth is...When I was around the ages of 11 or 12, I started to grow up-mentally. I changed the type of person I was-I was maturing, I wanted to forget about all the childish actions I did in the past and become a new and better person. These childish actions involve having little boyfriends here and there (Not actual 'real' boyfriends, I wasn't even considered a teenager yet! I consider them more of like a crush.) At that age, there is going to be perverted curiousity-nothing serious (just talking, kissing and such- which is normal at that age, right?) Anyway, as I was trying to grow and become a better person-this man that I stated in my previous post-touched me very inapproprietly-traumatizing me at a young age (13, which was the age I started going out with my boyfriend.) I wasn't completely honest with my boyfriend when we first started going out-I told him that I had never had a boyfriend and that I had never been kissed-because I wanted to forget about all the childish things I did and become a more mature person. (I wanted to re-start my life a-new.) Just recently I realized that is was wrong of me to lie to my boyfriend and say that he was my 'First' boyfriend and that I had never been kissed, when I had. (Although, I consider him my first real relationship, the other ones were just dumb, middle-school crushes!) I didn't want to look back in the past, I wanted to look ahead-so I lied so he would like me! My boyfriend knew about the man that molested me, even before we went out. I just recently told him about the past 'crushes', hoping that he would understand-seeing as it was so hard for me to tell him (I hate going back in the past, it causes me so much pain!) I was wrong, he didn't understand...He was mad and sad about the lies I had told him (which I understand...Lies hurt.) He told me "Im not going to blame you because you used to be a little w****." When he said this, it caused me so much pain-it was one of the most painful moments in my life. I couldn't take it anymore, with this stress ontop of my arrising mental issues-I was sent to the hospital. When my boyfriend and I first started our relationship, he used to watch porn (which I hated so much because of what happend to me!) I felt as though he was slapping it in my face-saying I wasn't good enough for him-so I used to yell at him and call him names...Him watching that stuff hurt me so much because I was molested. Now I feel like him calling me names is fair, since I used to call him names in the past...Since I promised him that I wouldn't self harm myself-I feel like his name calling and comments are my punishment...

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

Have you ever tried therapy to get over your traumatic past? accordng to what you say - you havent gotten over it yet. i know that time does it, but sometimes we need help with it (well, with traumatic stuff - almost most of the time)

When I was molested, I didn't get theropy. Being so young I wanted to forget, and tried pushing it under the carpet. Now I see that I should have gotten therapy. The older I get, the more it effects me. I currently have a theropist and a psychiatrist because of my OCD and depression.

Im sorry this got so long...I just let my feeling flow out as I was typing. Thank you all so much for you wonderful help and advice! I really appreciate it!

[Irine]

I see.

I think that...we all tell small lies....to make people like us. I don`t know how you feel about it - but it seems to me that if we realize that we are good enough as we are we don`t need to tell any lies. The truth is enough.Is good as it is. But i personally dont think its that bad. like: what the heck, are you telling me that if he knew you WERE kissed b4 and had boyfriends, he wouldnt go out with you?!

I think this is no big deal, i understand that for both of you it is. i think that if you, with Gods help - will stay together for more years - you will look back and laugh and this. i know now it hurts and all that. i understand much better what you are talking about right now. you cheated once and now you dont want to cheat second time. it all reminds you.

anyways you got your "punishment" by being called names etc... so - now - does he forgive you? if he really loves you i think he will. Even if it takes some time.

Good you are in therapy. good luck with it

[Reina-Rena]

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

I see.

I think that...we all tell small lies....to make people like us. I don`t know how you feel about it - but it seems to me that if we realize that we are good enough as we are we don`t need to tell any lies. The truth is enough.Is good as it is. But i personally dont think its that bad. like: what the heck, are you telling me that if he knew you WERE kissed b4 and had boyfriends, he wouldnt go out with you?!

At the time, I just felt like he would like me better if I made myself up to be a better person than I actually was. I didn't like the 'old' me, I wanted to be a 'new' person...I know now that just because I wanted to be a better person, that it doesn't mean that I should lie about myself.

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

I think this is no big deal, i understand that for both of you it is. i think that if you, with Gods help - will stay together for more years - you will look back and laugh and this. i know now it hurts and all that. i understand much better what you are talking about right now. you cheated once and now you dont want to cheat second time. it all reminds you.

I do sometimes feel like we will laugh at this in the future... I think where we started going together at such a young age- we had to learn how to 'grow' with one another. We are going to change because we are growing and maturing, right?

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

anyways you got your "punishment" by being called names etc... so - now - does he forgive you? if he really loves you i think he will. Even if it takes some time.

Yes, he has forgiven me...The problem is with forgiving myself.

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

Good you are in therapy. good luck with it

Thank you so much for all your help and advice! I really appreciate it!

[Irine]

Originally Posted by Reina-Rena

At the time, I just felt like he would like me better if I made myself up to be a better person than I actually was. I didn't like the 'old' me, I wanted to be a 'new' person...I know now that just because I wanted to be a better person, that it doesn't mean that I should lie about myself.

I do sometimes feel like we will laugh at this in the future... I think where we started going together at such a young age- we had to learn how to 'grow' with one another. We are going to change because we are growing and maturing, right?

Yes, he has forgiven me...The problem is with forgiving myself.


Thank you so much for all your help and advice! I really appreciate it!

you are wellcome

I suspect you have a little obsession with being a better person and more mature?. you always mention it. I think that you should let everything be as it is.

Its very sweet and romantic to grow up together. how old are you?

[Reina-Rena]

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

I suspect you have a little obsession with being a better person and more mature?. you always mention it. I think that you should let everything be as it is.?

You got that right. Im almost continually obsessing about being a better person and what I can do to achieve that goal. I also try my hardest to be mature, so I wont regret any actions in the future-Any more than I already do, anyway. lol.

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

Its very sweet and romantic to grow up together. how old are you?

Thank you so much for all your kind words. I am currently 16 years old.

[Irine]

What do you call maturity? What does it mean to you? If you are mature you are - ?

I think that when you finally become mature or older you can regret that you didnt let yourself do those things, and tried or attempted to be "more" than you are. If you seek for maturity now - are you sure you dont ignore the good you have inside right now? what is there missing, that you need to try and be? what is it in YOU thats not good enough?

again - this is just something i experience - so of course - take it...only if thi rings true with you


When you try to "be better" - and i am talking from my won experience - you are trying hard to be..and not being natural. and a natural place is something...well...it has to do A LOT with maturity = The Truth of who you really are. without trying to be anything. being whole with THAT excepting and loving THAT = is maturity. from this place you can love otheres.

fear blame....etc...acting out of trying to be mature...because you are afraid that you will regret it later..you know...life fully and truelly...thats it.

I am 24 and believe me - i am still having more moments of maturity and many moments that prove i am far from that!

[Reina-Rena]

Thank you so much for all you wonderful advice! I should really try and slow down and enjoy life-instead of constantly worrying about things I 'might' regret later, or a thought that 'might' come. Sometimes it can get so hard...I am constantly in fear of an unwanted thought. I purpously try to avoid things in order to prevent an unwanted thought from coming up.

[Irine]

Originally Posted by Reina-Rena

Thank you so much for all you wonderful advice! I should really try and slow down and enjoy life-instead of constantly worrying about things I 'might' regret later, or a thought that 'might' come. Sometimes it can get so hard...I am constantly in fear of an unwanted thought. I purpously try to avoid things in order to prevent an unwanted thought from coming up.

its impossible to aviod unwanted thoughts. i think you know it. let them out. i know they scare you...but you see...they are just thoughs

if you are alone, and say it out lound - what will happen? If you say it to your theraposits what will happen?

The whole point is BELIEVEING this thought is true. I know because untill yesterday night i unconciously beleived in a thought....it has been there for about 4 years...and first of all i needed t orealize that THIS BELIEF is all that held me back from seeing reality....from livign life..divine as it is.

You never actually betrayd your boyfriend. You just told him something, when you were really yong and wanted to lok "better" - ( you see why i am so against it overall) - but you didnt do anything bad to him.
Sooner or later i beieve you will let it sink in. ita a process.

[Reina-Rena]

Your right ladymacabethadmunsen! Thank you so much for all your help! Bad thoughts are going to come whether we like it or not. We just have to learn how to deal with them in the best way we can. Thoughts are just 'thoughts',nothing more. My medicine has slowed down my racing thoughts alot, compared to how I was before I was on them. Even though my medicine is helping me, I still need to find ways to learn how to deal with these thoughts when they do come. Thank you, ladymacabethadmunsen!

[Irine]

my pleasure