ADHD & variable memory

I am coping with adult Attention Deficit Disorder w/o hyperactivity. It has had serious effects on my current marriage. My wife and I are separated and getting a divorce. She feels very frustrated with how my memory can be so inconsistent. I can recall some things better than she can and vice versa. I don't know how to explain that memory in non-ADD affected people can be uneven. This is even worse with ADD. She keeps saying that things that I say/remember are "always" changing. The way she says it tends to imply that it's not ADD. It must be dishonesty on my part. When we argue about something said, she tends to throw my ADD in my face by implying that my memory is always worse than hers. Therefore, the way I remember things is always wrong and hers is always right.

This is because sometimes my memory seems OK. Other times I am able to retrieve a memory. However, my initial response may be incomplete or wrong. Once I put more thought into it, I get a clearer and more accurate answer. She either can't understand or refuses to understand this and other issues I deal with. I will explain this to her. She doesn't buy it. She sees memory as a very simple on/off view rather than a complicated process. Anyway, I know I can't control whether she is accepting or understanding. However, does anybody have any advice on how to explain why my memory is inconsistent?

I think the memory issue is tied to the attention issue....
What I mean by that is this: you had ADHD and your attention is affected. Your memory could be different because you may have only been able to keep focused long enough to get a brief point of a conversation or subject. So your memory will be different because you may have been distracted during the event. Your wife, who isn't AHDH, can keep her focus throughout an entire conversation or event.

So, even though you may feel that you were focused, that is only your preception and may be a little "off" from the truth. I have this problem with people all the time so I understand your fusteration!

Skully is right that the self perception of what is going on and happened from someone who has ADHD can be slightly skewed... perception is everything, and we don't always see the same things that "normals" see.

Couple of things.

Working memory is really super impaired in all of those who have ADHD. It's common medical knowledge, and your wife can't deny that. The inconsistency in memory and efforts and attention and focus... is COMMON knowledge with those who have ADHD. I think you need to print out some info on ADHD in adults regarding these subjects and show it to your wife. She can't deny truth. As long as you aren't making excuses for deliberately bad behavior then she can't legitimately pin that on you.

Do you take medication and are you seeing a psychotherapist? A lot of those working memory and other related ADHD issues can be dealt with if they are treated appropriately. You are not beyond hope here. I really think you should. I also don't think you should get a divorce without some sort of counseling. You aren't completely to blame and it's unfair for her to say so-- it takes TWO to make a relationship work.

I'm the same way as you.Some stuff I remember real good and other stuff I cant.I think with me its that I remember what makes its mark inside.other stuff just does not stick.

Its not a storage problem, its an input problem. As Skully already said its tied to the ways and whiles of your attention deficit. Our dopamine activity fluctuates and some moments our ADD is much worse than at other times.

The problem with ADD is that so many of its symptoms are easily confused with negative personality traits. And people around us, even those who should know better, naturally reach for the cheap and easy conclusion. So we are lying, lazy, crazy or stupid.

Meds are a very real solution to some of your problems. It would be wise to explore that possibility.

You all are right about how my recollection of what is said is inconsistent due to changes in my ability to stay focused. I have thought about showing my wife some medical information that would confirm this. However, I don't think she cares. Even if she did, she sometimes has a tendency to disregard anything that doesn't fit her opinion or point of view. Therefore, she would either just ignore it or come up with some argument against ADD. I don't believe she even believes that ADD exists. There could be an infinite number of studies to support the existence of ADD and if there was one the didn't support it or a family member of hers doesn't believe in it...she doesn't believe in it.

As far as the divorce goes, I agree that it's best not to make major life decisions such as getting a divorce. However, my wife has gotten sick of me and wants the divorce. It's all because I was foolish enough to believe that someone could truly love me and accept me for who I am. I believe I'm just better off alone.

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate the support.

That is not being foolish...there is someone out there that does, you just haven't met her yet

Everyone's memory is inconsistent, even hers! And of course you remember more the longer you work at it. I have similar problems and am teaching myself to find the words and thoughts I want before I speak so my husband doesn't get so frustrated.

Some people have an easier time turning the memory pictures into words and other people have more trouble with words (all thought is words, remember; you can't "remember" and express what you remember without words!) and so expressing themselves in a clear manner is harder.

I don't think other people can clearly understand our difficulties but I don't think we should use our difficulties as either crutch or excuse. If you know you sometimes are wrong initially, work on that (not speaking until you are pretty sure you have it all right) or accept it and when you hear another version that sounds better to you, apologize for getting it wrong and move on. My husband is very sensitive to when I'm "picking on him" and will remind me, passionately, "We're on the same side!" Don't let your wife make you feel bad about yourself; you're doing the best you can or are working on your issues, etc. and have nothing to prove or be ashamed of! If you know how she thinks/operates, do your best to state things in ways she will understand (if you want).

I don't know what you all argue about or what is fueling the divorce but sounds like it is a mutual blame thing instead of a trying to understand the other and working on one's own knitting, making sure one says what one means or wants understood by the other, etc. Communication is very important in any relationship, not just marriage but isn't ever going to be automatic and not require work. You can't change how the other person perceives things, only how you do and what you do and how you operate.