help me to help my husband please!

i believe my husband has ADHD. our marriage councellor has told him that (her adult son also has ADHD), and so much of what i've read on the subject describes him so well. he gets defensive about it anytime it is brought up and doesn't believe that he has it. i'm not looking for something to blame our problems on, but really, when i look at what my biggest concerns are regarding our relationship, i see that they all tie into ADHD. He is always late, very forgetfull, very unreliable, always makes promises that he never keeps, can talk for ever, and also switches topics mid sentence. I can't rely on him to do anything. by that i mean, yes, he is capable, and yes, sometimes he does get things done, but more often than not, he doesn't therefore, i can't rely on him so i sit there and stress about it. there is no such thing as planning. i just sit back and see what unfolds. unfortunately, i can't continue to do this. we have 2 young children, and i'm returning to work full time, and i can't try to organize his life as well. i've been trying to, but he neither realizes how much i do, nor appreciates it, and he can't understand why i get frustrated, mad, sad etc. i'd like to make our marriage work, but this has been going on for 7 years, and i'm making myself sick from trying to pick up the slack. i'm also tired of him blaming me for things or telling me that i expect too much. i've actually learned not to expect anything from him, but that isn't really a happy way to live. help? please?

Wow, I can see how frustrating your situation is, particularly since you've done so much to try to remedy it. I hope not to repeat advice you've already tried or been told about by your marriage counselor, so please excuse me if I do.

One thing that works with me and my boyfriend is each writing out a list of ten things that we'd like the other to change. We're both ADHD (me less so, I like to think ) and so having a concrete list of things seems to get through to us better. There were things on both of our lists that we'd previously asked each other for many times, but having it written out really helped it to stick.

Regardless of the cause or label for his disorganization, you're husband's behavior is plain irresponsible, selfish (inconsiderate) and unfair. If he can manage to show up for work on time (at least enough to not get fired) or to maintain friendships (by not flaking out of too many promised things) then he's probably giving these areas of his life more effort than your family life... which may be out of the belief that he can slack off and get away with it? I don't know what you've tried, but it may be that he needs a firm ultimatum to get the message across that you're not going to let him take advantage of you anymore.

Regardless of his ADHD, he should be making a concerted effort to keep his word and his end of your marriage. There are many techniques and meds out there that are crucial for living a successful life with ADHD. I know I'd never get anything done if I didn't keep a daily planner, set alarms for appointments, and put everything back in it's place, for example. I've really worked on being on time for things I've commited to with family or friends, since I really don't understand the concept of time, and I've learned how completely selfish it is of me to keep them waiting.

If he's at least willing to learn some helpful ADHD strategies, or pursue a medicinal regimen with a doctor, then I'd say it would be well worth it to keep fighting for your marriage. Otherwise your efforts may be lost on him.

I hope your marriage goes well, and that your husband can get the help he needs for ADHD. Sometimes guys (and women, too) are slow learners when it comes to their partner's needs, but eventually the appeals of their partner may penetrate the clutter in their minds.

Jessie

I think the best thing you can do to help your husband is to get him to a doctor that specializing in ADHD and adults. You didn't mention his age but I presume he's over 18. The doctor may or may not diagnose this as ADHD but it's important that he get a complete physical and is checked out thoroughly for ADHD as well.

Wow Peaceprinter - you are totally describing my life. My husband has recently changed quite a bit for the better, and I can't be sure but it does seem as though ADD meds might be the reason why. Mine doesn't have the "H", but the other things you mentioned are identical to my situation. The unreliability is the worst part, but instead of promising things and not following through, mine just refuses to agree to do anything I ask him to. He beats himself up really badly when he lets me down and has resorted to just saying NO to even the simplest things that would help me with the shared responsibilities that I have been managing single-handedly for several years. I know your frustration and feelings of hopelessness so well.

But as I said, I think that his ADD meds have helped because he's been astonishingly productive in the last few weeks, despite losing his job.

I don't know how to get your husband to consider a d(x). Fortunately, mine was willing because he never understood while (in his words) "everyone else has a fire under their butts except [him]". He has always been an underachiever and battles rather chronic depression. It took about a year before I could get him to accept treatment for the depression, but now that the depression is under control thanks to a great T and Lexapro, he was more willing to trust the T when she suggested a possible d(x) of ADD.

How I got my husband to acknowledge his depression in the first place was that I bought a book called "Am I Depressed" out of desperation to understand why he was refusing to do anything except sleep all day when he used to be an active, cheerful guy. He also was very defensive and refused to let me discuss Depression with him. But, one evening I came home from work and walked in the house to find him crying, the book on the bed next to him. He said "you're right -- this does sound like me". It still took several months to get him to participate in therapy, but eventually we found the right T who he trusts and who seems to understand and has a ton of compassion.

I wish you the best of luck with your husband and two small children. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

Love,
LMo

hhhmmmm.......well I'm one of those husbands!
meds or not, I think a wife has to learn there are certain things that will not change in her ADD spouse....but are they really so bad?
I'm not the neatest person and truly foget to do things a lot, but I'm loving and faithful, a good father and provider.
life's a balance....in all respects, whether it involves add or not.
try and see the good in your spouse.

Greetings, I viewed your post and I can relate (or my wife can). I am step father of 2 boys and I have one on the way (boy). I just recently got married, last year. The wife is very fustrated with how I act at times. Sometimes, I am labeled forgetful, irresponsible, immature and a idot. Well, it all comes down to this, I have ADHD and I'm begining to learn more about it in the last year. I just wish that the wife would read into my situation a little bit, to get a better understanding. I can be responsible at times, but the mind has a tendency to deviate and I would do something out of order. I do have a respectable govt job and I do provide for the family. But, there are times that I wish my wife would have more patience with the ADHD.

My suggestion is be more patient and educate yourself. Grab self help book on ADHD and read together. Sometimes, it's hard for person with ADHD to complete book, but stick to it. I believe education is the key.

Hang in there,
KJ