ADD I am sick of it

Hi, I have ADD, I was diagnosed at the age of 5 and am now 17. I have been taking medication since diagnosis (previously Ritalin and now medikinet).

I have noticed in the past year that I have become more and more aware of what my ADD does to the people around me. Mainly this means I have very few friends and at least once a week spark a massive family confrontation.

I try to hide in my room and play on xbox as it is the one place I can communicate with people online. My mum thinks the xbox is an excuse to not socialise and doesn't understand that I can socialise... to an extreme... I CAN'T STOP TALKING! Other than that I am socially backward... I don't go out and spend every night doing homework or playing on my xbox.

I find I put extreme amounts of effort into my school work, spending up to 4 hours each night doing homework, achieving high grades in class assessments but then when it comes to the exam I don't get grades that reflect me. nor the amount of effort I put in. I feel most of my work goes unrecognised and am in and out of different jobs unable to keep one.

What most concerns me is my mood swings. I hate what I do to the people I love. Most of the time now I feel lost and "dead inside" unable to describe how I feel but am overwhelmed by the smallest of things and break down at least once a week.

I have thought of how death would be to my family when I get into fights and am blamed for e.g. "ruining holidays", I look at hour I effect them and have caused my parents to almost divorce several times. NEVER ONCE I have I attempted suicide (mostly out of fear and cowerdness)

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in my family. My mum who would be my best option doesn't understand me and makes me feel worse (not intentionally), and laughs off things such as me claiming to be depressed, she is not a "hugging" person. My boyfriend would be the next option but he has Asperger's, so struggles to understand, and also lives too far away to help me the amount of times I need him.

But most of all in the past year I have realised how little it takes to overwhelm and upset me, how easy it is to feel confused and am not motivated to do anything. I hate what I do and want it to stop, I don't want to fail at school and I don't want to break my family apart. I hate myself all the time.

Any tips or advice? I want to stop hurting, to start being positive and actually take pride in my work, a massive flaw of mine is to compare myself to others, so that I am never satisfied.

Wait... do they blame you or is this just how you see things?

They sound very not understanding to you. Have they even listened to you pdoc or T? I mean it sounds like that you feel the way you because of how they treat you. If they really are putting the blame on you, their the ones who need help! They need to become active parts of how you handle life and not distressing you by making you feel like you are not good enough.

If they would try to be understanding and even helpful I'm sure you would do better in the ares you should be doing well in.

I am not sure what a pdoc or T are...

I am not sure whether it is my interpretation or skewed memory of the events, but to me every time our family has a confrontation 9/10 times it is "my fault". I try my hardest at school and hide in my room at home to not "cause" conflict, which just invokes more. My mum is very confrontational (we're both dominant females), and usually discussions like this end in fights where I get described as an "attention seeker".

I am unsure as how to go about making my mum understand more as she doesn't seem to listen or I am bad at explaining. I love my family, but more often then not I find myself saying the phrase "I want to go home" in my head when I am already "home".

p.s. my mother is very stubborn and she is going through a difficult stage as our gran has increasingly worse dementia, however I feel this is no excuse as to making me feel like crap too

Hello Blueflames,
Welcome to PC. I hope you can be assured that there are many people here who are very helpful and willing to lend support.

You are not alone.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all? It may not even be a bad idea to bring your family along with you to therapy, perhaps then they may gain some more insight as to why you do what you do and they can then react differently. Talking it out with someone objective can be extremely helpful, at least in my experience.

Also, when I feel invalidated I tend to isolate as well. I hope you can try to be gentle with yourself, not beat yourself up too badly and seek more help professionally. I know when my stuff seems to be affecting those around me sometimes talking about them isn't the best thing. Have you tried writing your parents a letter explaining how you feel and what kind of support you need from them? It could be worth a shot.

I also find that when things set me off or overwhelm me easily it helps if I just disengage, distract and do something else...go for a walk, read a book, help out with a chore or task etc...

Posting here is helpful as well as you can find people who relate to your situation and can offer more advice. So keep doing it. Much Love.

Thanks. I shall try writing a letter. I do tend to beat myself up with psychiatrist visits as I voice all my concerns. I feel constantly unsure as, for instance, I diagnose myself (not a good idea) with things such as depression and my mum tells me I am being stupid and seeking attention. Whilst I do see the psychiatrist she thinks it is unhealthy and believes I am just creating issues out of nothing.

If I relied on my mum's judgement I would never have taken psychology at A-level and would not now be A'cing it and considering to take it further into uni

Pdoc is a Psychologist and T is a therapist.

My mom was slightly on my side, yet I'm not sure if she knew how to deal with homework and me. I'm pretty well adjusted in how to look and how to act around people and after so many years I've become better at doing homework on my own.

There is a possibility that your mom could also be ADD in a way. Research has linked it to be passed on and even more in women with ADD/ADHD. I also think they might be using your ADD as an excuse to fall back on because they don't want to admit to their own downfalls.

I want to say more but brain just went blank because I'm at school and have a test and a hour.

AHH good luck to your test. My dad has ADHD and was kicked out of his home at 16 because of it. Quite often I hear the phrase "... have you taken your tablets" at which I clench my teeth and say YES and they respond with "its just you seem hyper" and most of the time I am just happy or excited... its got to the point now where I don't really feel those emotions anymore. I also feel like i'm over exaggerating my parents and any moment they're going to come in and say "NO WE DON'T"

blueflames,

Are there any ADD/ADHD support groups where you live? It may help to be in the company of those who are experiencing the same.

With regards to your family, would they at all be open to visiting your pdoc or therapist? Or, if possible, a support group for parents of kids with ADD?

Hopefully you will continue to post and read other posts in this forum. I've found it helpful for sharing advice, comfort, and just being in the company of those who understand our condition.

Wow, that sounds so dark ages to me! They call you medication a fix all, cure all and it really doesn't. It's not meant to make you "not" you it's to add in helping you deal with ADD

You know who cares if you are over exaggerating them, it's how it comes off on you.

Plus, just some in site about why you might be blamed for them thinking about divorce. Is your mom could be mad at your dad but won't take it to him about his ADHD

Nah my parents understand that my medication is not a cure all. But they just expect so much more from me, to socialize like a "normal" child would, but not only do i find it difficult, more so than "normal" people, i also don't want to. I'm happy with the people i meet online. I shall ask my "pdoc" about support groups and also about bringing my parents along. Thanks