[tryingtobeme]

I am the parent of an Autistic child. My son is 2 1/2 and has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS. This is a first step so to speak on the Autism scale from what we have been told/read.

I am new to this since myself and my husband have never had to deal with something like this. Anyone have any insite on this. I for one feel like a bad mother. I blame myself for being a diabetic and taking insulin during my pregnancy. I have BPD and was on meds but went off them months prior to becoming pregnant and didn't take them until after I delivered him so I am confindent they didn't cause any of this. So it must be me in some way shape or form that caused him to be like this.

Now, I worry every days that I am not doing enough for him and that I am messing him up even more. Any help in this area is greatly appreciated.

[Omers]

Hi,
It was not you. There may be a genetic component but that seems to be on the fathers gene, is highly controversial, not something they test for and not anything you can do anything about.
I am aspi which will soon be lumped in with autism here in the US. I also have a 12 yr old son with autism. I met him when he was 6 and adopted him at 8... So... I didn't go through the infancy to 6 age range with him but I did survive going through it myself.
So... however we can help just let me know! And nothing is too personal or "impolite" or what ever to ask... we are pretty open... sometimes too much so.

[Chocco]

My heart is really breaking for you. My son got diagnosed last year in June with autism. i went through a period of grieving as if he had died becaus e i could not understand how this could have happened to my beautiful baby. Believe me when i tell you this, you will cry some more and it's a rough ride ahead but you will survive. There was a time when it thought i would never ever smile again in my life because of my son's condition but now i actually laugh about his condition, he has only just mastered using full sentences at 5yrs and sometimes he says the funniest things. Please try to focus on the positive that you can give to him and you will reap the rewards. It's going to give you so much joy when he learns something knew and you know you taught him! i love him to bits and i know it is not my fault. i also know it is not your fault that he turned out that way. I did not have BPD neither did i take any medication during my pregnancy but it happened. It has happened to a lot of people who did nothing wrong yet there are drug addicts who get normal kids. So it is not anything that you did or didnt do. Just dont ask why and focus your energy on being a good parent and finding out what you can do for your baby. Blaming yourself will not get you anywhere especially when you are blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You are of no use to your child when you you are depressed, try to rise from the ashes and be strong. You need to believe me coz you are talking to someone who knows exactly how you are feeling. I also blamed myself and was suicidal but i have seen parents with kids who have worse forms of autism yet they still smile. I dont know where you are, i am in south africa but im giving you a hug right now. Talk to me and ask me anything and i'll do my best to help.

[mgran]

My son is on the autistic spectrum, and so, according to my psydoc, am I. (What a combination, schizoaffective aspie!) He didn't walk until he was about two, and even then he was wobbly, he's never learned to ride a bike, he still has trouble doing his shoes up (he's fifteen by the way) and I've seen him fall over on his back while trying to kick a ball. He's even laughed himself at his physical ineptness. He once swung with a bat to hit a ball during PE... and managed to whack himself in the face with, of all things, the ball. He asked, how does anyone bat a ball directly into their own face? He says it's like an inverse superpower.

He was a late talker, but an early reader. He read from books before he was forming independant sentences. (He could read Mr Men when he was three, but if he wanted anything he'd sign for it.) At one stage he had his own language that he'd invented. I was worried he'd never learn to speak English. Then, suddenly, he started in sentences... and as you describe with your own son, he said some incredibly funny things. (Have you had the radiant and embarassing honesty bit yet? My son once said to a breast feeding woman, "you have a beautiful baby... and fantastic breasts!")

Our children are beautiful. They develop along their own path, and often times they can be very surprising. My son has turned out, suddenly, to be a musician. Just over a year and a half ago he started playing the piano, and now he's playing sonatas and fugues etc by Beethoven, Bach, Handel... He's started playing the violin, and is also learning the guitar. The school pay for about half of his music lessons, which is pretty fantastic if you ask me. Considering that he still falls over sometimes when he's walking (his dyspraxia is pretty bad) everyone's amazed with how precise and subtle he can be using his hands while playing an instrument. That's autistic hyper focusing perfectionism for you... in one area he's defeated the dyspraxia. Our kids can over come anything (that's one benefit you might find with video games, though you need to keep an eye on it, and set a timer, or they'll never come off it.)

You'll probably find that your boy will obsess about something which utterly bores you. With my son it's superheroes and video games. But he finally found a constructive obsession, hence his rapid advancement musically. Just let your son grow the way he grows, be glad about it, he's unique, and you can be proud of him. Often times I think autism isn't a disorder, it's a difference. More profoundly autistic people might be harder to communicate with, but they are often happy when treated with respect. I don't know where your son is on the spectrum, but he's verbal, he's happy, and he's yours. Don't feel ashamed or guilty... I honestly believe the world needs quirky nerds. Imagine if the autistic Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein had not had their obsessions? Do a google of famous autistics, you'll be amazed how much the world has been improved by the autie gene.

Like you I grieved when I first found out... then I suddenly thought, he's still himself, the exact same way he was yesterday, good, intense, clever, quirky and kind. We can be proud of our sons.

[tryingtobeme]

Chocco and Mgran - Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my post. You both see your children for who they really are. I am trying to accept that my son is different and not just a diagnosis. Since I came from an abusive family I want my son to have so much more and then some of what I never got.

I feel like he is in a world just like I was. He is different and no one understands why. I feel I have to explain him to everyone and that others are judging me as a bad parents. People will wonder why he isn't talking and why he is still in diapers and why this or why that. Why can't he just be like normal kids?

It's just still so heart wrenching for me.

[mgran]

Oh gosh, I forgot about the shame of the nappies (diapers). Yes, people judged me for that, particularly since he's a very tall boy, and by the time he was two and a half, three, he was already in clothes for a four to five year old. I didn't have a diagnoses for him at the time, but I just developed a really stroppy attitude. "Why are you obsessed with my son's bottom? Is there something about you I should know?" I breast fed him for the first three and a half years as well, it was an important source of comfort to him, and sod anyone who told me I should stop. Again, what's wrong with them to fixate on somebody's breasts?

It's very difficult, but one thing that can help is to ask yourself, "who are these people? why do they matter?" If they're just random people giving you the evils, shake it off. YOU are the expert when it comes to your son. Your relationship is between you and him, not you, him, and the gossiping curtain twitchers.

I know exactly how you feel, to this day I can react very badly to the curtain twitchers. I've been really poorly with it this week, only coming out of it now, so I'm not saying this lightly. I know how hard it is to train yourself not to care about other people's opinions. But it can be done.

Things I found hard, the nappies lasting longer than most, the fact that he wouldn't or couldn't walk till he was half way through his second year, and even then, for months, he would hang on for dear life, the fact that he was so tall, and people expected more from him, since they thought he was older than he was, the fact that he communicated in a most peculiar fashion, until somewhere towards the end of his fifth year... and even then (and in fact to this day) his vocal mannerisms, vocabulary and syntax are a bit odd. (Nowadays he sounds like an eighteenth century novel... you can practically hear the punctuation and paragraphs.) The fact that he would scream when bathing, and even to this day it's murder persuading him to have a bath. (I have to run it for him, and stand with my arms folded until he goes in... at least he's stopped screaming.) His hypersensitivity to sound, covering his ears and screaming because of something nobody else would notice. (Buzzing florescents lightbulbs for example). All of these things made me anxious at one time or another.

But things really have improved, and the buzzing chatterers had nothing to do with it.

My advice is this, "cop an attitude", as we say in the UK. Hold your head up high, square your shoulders, and if necessary tell them to stuff it. What's it got to do with them anyhow?

[Omers]

Yeh, I cop an attitude with people who feel the need to say rude hurtful things too. My favorite is my son has autism, whats your excuse? Through the years there have been many who believed that they could do a better job than I am. Just suggest that they get a foster/adoption license. There are TONS of autistic kids who will likely never find homes and they could better put their energy into one of those kids than getting on you. You will figure out snappy comebacks. The MOST important thing to remember is that THEY are being rude and as 'normals' or 'NTs' they should know better. :P

[tryingtobeme]

Thank you for the words of wisdom and understanding. many people in this world don't understand an Autistic child and just judge you. I try my hardest and even on my son's good days people stare at me and him. I hate that, when people stare like your child is out of control.

[madisgram]

trying i saw a wonderful documentary on netflix. it was titled "loving lampposts". more about the film-
http://blogs.plos.org/neurotribes/20...nd-acceptance/ i believe it will offer you hope and also be helpful to you and hubby. hugs.
this web site may help you also-
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/autism_help.htm

[tryingtobeme]

Thank you so much for this. I am trying to get my hands on any resource I can about Autism. I just call the documentary Temple Grandin. She is Autistic and it was a wonderful documentary of her life. Highly recommend to anyone that has Autism in their family or anyone who wants to know more about it.

[Omers]

Having met Temple the documentary was glamorized. Please read her books. http://www.templegrandin.com/templegrandinbooks.html Thinking in pictures and emergence are my favorites. Her mother also wrote a book called "Thorn in my side" which is worth a read too.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Omers

Having met Temple the documentary was glamorized. Please read her books. http://www.templegrandin.com/templegrandinbooks.html Thinking in pictures and emergence are my favorites. Her mother also wrote a book called "Thorn in my side" which is worth a read too.

I didn't think this was glamorized at all. You have to be looking for the true meaning of the documentary which is to show some of what she had to go through to become this wonderful couragous woman. I do have her book and loved that too. I am interested in her mothers book also.

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I am the parent of an Autistic child. My son is 2 1/2 and has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS. This is a first step so to speak on the Autism scale from what we have been told/read.

I am new to this since myself and my husband have never had to deal with something like this. Anyone have any insite on this. I for one feel like a bad mother. I blame myself for being a diabetic and taking insulin during my pregnancy. I have BPD and was on meds but went off them months prior to becoming pregnant and didn't take them until after I delivered him so I am confindent they didn't cause any of this. So it must be me in some way shape or form that caused him to be like this.

Now, I worry every days that I am not doing enough for him and that I am messing him up even more. Any help in this area is greatly appreciated.

I am the mother of a severely autistic ten year old and I relate to how you are feeling. The guilt, the anxiety, the worry, the stress...yes, I know it all. One thing I now know: you are not to blame. There is rarely a simple cause equals affect situation in this case; autism has a multitude of factors, some we probably don't know about. It is not anyone's 'fault' it is just the way it is.

Also, please try not to see the autism as a terrible suffering that has fallen on your child. Yes he may be frustrated at times (as are we all!), he may find life difficult (as do we all) and his problems are very real. BUT, these children are also beautiful, clever in their own way, with their own unique skills. My child is severely autistic yet he lives completely in the present which I believe is a valuable gift. I have learnt a lot from him. He trusts people, he is affectionate, he lives for the moment. I appreciate some children with autism have immense social struggles and I am grateful my son doesn't, but the fact remains that autism doesn't have to be doom and gloom. It can be a gift. My ex husband has aspergers and I have autisic traits; it makes life interesting for sure, but autism also opens the way for creative expression, complexity and gifted thinking. Einstein was said to hava a form of autism. These children (and thus adults) think differenty and give us a gift in doing so.

I hope I haven't rambled or come across preachy. All the best to you and your child.