[kimbosquee]

Hi, I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in January, although I wasn't aware of the diagnosis until last week when I saw it on paper after my last visit with the psychiatrist. I also have definite ADHD and was diagnosed at 18. In addition, I also have a diagnosed motor tic disorder and have a childhood of emotional abuse. There are many symptoms of AS that describe me and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am likely an Aspie. The diagnosis is a huge relief and provides an answer to many things about me when I thought I was just weird. Deep down I had suspected for the longest time that I may have some form of autism, but I never really thought about it. Recently, my sister came to me and mentioned to me that I may have AS, but I never bothered to thoroughly read the symptoms and was in denial. Shortly afterwords, I was diagnosed to my surprise. I am maybe 95% sure that I have it, but would like some outside opinions, especially since there is a huge overlap with AS and ADHD, and many of my symptoms can be connected to both. I'm wondering if I truly have both or if I have one or the other. Brace yourselves for this extremely lengthy post.

Starting with my Aspie traits, of course the main issue is my (lack of) social life and communication skills. When I was younger, I literally never talked to adults other than my parents and maybe teachers when necessary. When I was asked questions in daycare, I would sit there staring at them and say absolutely nothing. I sort of expected them to figure out what I wanted and just never liked talking. Whenever I got in trouble for things I did accidentally or had good intentions for doing, I never explained myself and just took the fall.

First off, I will be using the term friend/s loosely as in almost all cases they are more like close acquaintances. I have always had trouble making and keeping friends. I would have new friends every year throughout elementary school. I was never really taken seriously or listened to. The few times I said something, it was usually ignored. I don't know if it was because I usually said things that no one cared about or if I was just not taken seriously. The only true close friend I've ever had in my entire life where we would talk on the phone outside of school was in the 4th grade. I lost her because I was constantly invading her personal space by touching her and hanging onto her all the time to the point that she got fed up with it. After that in 5th grade, I made new "friends" and would constantly try to make my ex friend jealous when she was around. Then my parents moved us to a new city and I was hauled off to a new school starting in the 6th grade. I had no luck in making friends that entire year. I occasionally talked to other kids in my class, but was a loner during lunch and recesses. Sometimes I would follow around groups of kids that were in my class hoping to play with them, but they would basically tell me to go away.

Once I started middle school, I had more luck. A couple of girls approached me and asked me to sit with them, and that is what brought me into the "popularity" I had throughout middle and high school. I'll explain the quotes later. These girls just so happened to be quite popular and I became part of their massive social circle and stuck until graduating high school. Not knowing what was "cool" or socially acceptable, I imitated not just the girls, but also males. I just didn't know the difference. It was never pointed out to me, but know that I think about it, a lot of my mannerisms and postures would be considered masculine. The problem was, I was a "lurker" and almost never talked during conversations. I just never had anything to say. This prompted one girl in that circle to not want me around anymore and she essentially banished me from the group. I was eventually back in though. I also made a few friends in my PE class. The next year was even better for me. I was still generally a lurker, but more people in that group got to know me, so I was even more "popular". I also made quite a few acquaintances in my classes.

Even as my lurker status continued, I became more and more "popular" throughout high school. Why the quotes? Well, when I think about it now, none of these people were ever true friends. I never saw any of them outside of school. The only communication outside of school was through social network and occasional texting with a few of them. I don't think I was ever really respected or taken seriously by anyone. The only reason I seemed popular was because I was a clown. I was hyperactive and unintentionally funny. I would also loan money to anyone who asked and most of the time was never paid back. I wasn't aware of the unwritten teenage social rules. I would do stupid things (often things that others told me to do) to continue to fit in and be well liked. I would often playfully touch people, throw things at people to start play fights, etc. I would write ridiculous and sometimes slightly disturbing things on my papers in an attempt to be funny. Some stupid things I remember doing included making a video of myself falling on a treadmill (which got many laughing their butts off) and recording cartoon porn on my phone and showing it to people. Yes you read that right. I would also do certain things to get attention, such as throwing my phone into the air knowing that I wouldn't catch it every time. In general, I was often called weird and constantly got "who does that?"

This is where the quotes really make sense. Despite seemingly being liked by so many people, I could never really blend in. It doesn't help that I was exceptionally shy and quiet and was still a lurker. When they hung out in larger groups during lunch, I could just sit/stand there blend in without being a part of the conversation. However, when they were separated into smaller groups, which happened very often, this was much more difficult. I often found myself struggling to pass the time and avoid looking like a loner. I would go through my backpack, look at my phone, and walk between food lines and the bathrooms so it wouldn't look like I was walking around the school by myself. Once I overheard some girls walking by talking and laughing about how I was walking around by myself, I started taking my lunch to the bathroom and staying in there until the bell rang. Eventually some girls in my circle that I had never talked to caught on to it and a couple of them yelled to me once as I was passing by, "You're such a loner!" I would get extremely upset whenever someone I really liked was rude to me, even if they were joking. There were a few people who talked to me more often and took me more seriously. When one of them invited me to eat out with some friends, the others objected which kind of hurt, just a little bit. The great thing is, so many of my classmates cheered for me when my name was called during the graduation ceremony. It was incredible.

Ever since graduating high school, I have had no social life whatsoever. The only interaction I had with my many high school "friends" was through social network and occasionally when running into each other in public. I have never made any friends in college or otherwise. I have also never had a boyfriend, although I've had crushes in middle school.

Enough about my social life, which probably took up an entire page. Chalk it up to my need to provide as much detail as possible. Let's move on to my general social and communication skills. I have NEVER initiated a conversation or made small talk. There is just something in me that prevents me from being able to do that. I always chalked it up to simply being incredibly shy. Whenever I want to approach someone that I want to be friends with, I extensively plan and rehearse in my head what I want to say. I always chicken out and never get around to approaching them. Saying hi first is not natural to me. I usually wait for the other person to say hi. When they do, I used to just put on a big smile and say nothing, thinking that was normal. Now I have gotten better and will say hi back, sometimes being the first to say hi. Saying and are also not natural to me. It used to be difficult for me to say either and I would often come off as rude. Now I have managed to force myself to say them to the point that it is now a habit. I tend to say it too softly but still enough for the person to hear. I occasionally might use them when it is completely unnecessary.

When talking to people, I tend to get so nervous and be quite weird at times in my attempt to appear as normal as possible. I also tend to be very awkward when trying to socialize. My sisters always tell me about how weird I was in my interactions with random people. Apparently I sound like a robot when talking to people. I remember when at the checkout at a grocery store, the guy behind me failed to place a divider between my things and his. When his items came up on the conveyor belt, I told the cashier repeatedly that it wasn't mine. In my attempt to be assertive and avoid paying for his things, my sisters told me that I sounded like I wanted to kill her. I also, until recently, used to repeatedly bring my leg up and hold my ankle when talking to random people. Most of the time I wouldn't even know it and my sisters would point it out to me. I also occasionally stutter when talking to people. I tend to talk with an upward inflection, making everything I say sound like a question.

I often talk too softly, too loudly, or too fast. I often am difficult to understand and constantly told by family members to "speak English". I am better in public because I try harder to speak correctly, although I will still occasionally have to repeat what I say. I occasionally mix up pronouns like he and she, you, me, we, etc. I will often change a word in the middle of saying something, causing the word to come out streird...I mean strange/weird. I will sometimes say or write a word that has nothing to do with what I'm saying because Chinese food...I mean because I was thinking about it at the time.

I am also terrible when it comes to social etiquette, but have gotten better with age and experience. When I was younger, I would sometimes say things that were insensitive out loud without knowing that they were offensive. I also thought it was ok to be mean to and hate a kid because he had nine fingers. I would also laugh out loud when other kids fell. I remember taking people's food or taking a sip of drinks without asking, all the way up to middle school. I remember at lunch with friends in elementary school, I opened my mouth showing my chewed up food and grossing out my friends. I was caught and was sent to eat lunch by myself.

I occasionally might take things literally, but in general I can understand jokes, metaphors, and sarcasm. I sometimes have to ask if that was a joke or sarcasm and often have to look up the meaning of a metaphor.

As for my nonverbal skills, horrible. I do make eye contact when someone is saying a lot to me, however, it is incredibly uncomfortable. I will also often look at lips instead. Sometimes I may make too much eye contact and stare deeply into someone's eyes in a creepy way. I just don't know how much eye contact is appropriate. I noticed that I almost never make eye contact when I am the one speaking. When walking, I walk staring at the ground or at my phone in order to avoid eye contact with people passing by. I get incredibly uncomfortable when people look at me as I'm passing by. I just want to pluck their eyes out. I kid, I kid. But it is incredibly annoying. What's worse is when someone stares. I practically freeze in my position and get so tense. I never even bother to look their way and catch them, unless it seems like they've been staring for an eternity. On the other hand, I may accidentally stare at someone myself.

Because of my issues in interacting with people, I am putting off getting a job until I can find one that doesn't involve dealing with customers. I just know I would mess up at some point and come off as weird or rude. So far that has been impossible. The only ones I could find are work at home jobs, and good luck finding a legit work at home job. I have lost a bit of money trying to make money from home.

Body language? What body language? Facial expressions? I can read most obvious facial expressions for basic emotions like happiness, anger, and sadness. Subtle expressions or expressions for things like embarrassment, contempt, concentration, etc.? Not so much. I do well on the multiple choice tests out there, but they're multiple choice... To me. anything that looks remotely like a smile is a smile and anything that looks like a frown is a frown. I can't even figure out most of these smilies without reading the labels. I learned facial expressions mostly from experience and from watching TV and movies. I almost never make facial expressions myself. I smile and laugh and may make subtle expressions. I do make some expressions such as "WTF?" when I really want people to know what I'm thinking. People can sometimes tell what I'm feeling using context and my actions. For example, they may be able to tell I'm depressed because of my head hanging down and the way I speak for example. I occasionally unintentionally make extreme or odd expressions. I used to often do it on purpose when trying to be funny. I will sometimes smile at the wrong occasion, usually something shocking, such as when someone passed out in the middle of class. I am certainly not happy about the situation, but my mouth just pulls itself into a smile and I have to try my best to stop it or cover it up. I can't imagine ever having been caught.

I often find it very difficult to verbalize my thoughts or feelings and often find myself saying "I can't explain it". When I was younger and my mother asked me a question, it was very common for me to say "I don't know". Unfortunately, she never accepted that and I would stand there for an eternity unable to give her a satisfactory answer.

I sometimes laugh about the dumbest things or about things that happened a while ago.

I tend to have compulsions to repeatedly do weird things because I like how it feels for some reason. Some of my current or recent compulsions include but are not limited to, opening my mouth wide to feel the sides stretch, nodding my head hard so that it almost feels like my brain is smacking against my skull (sometimes I do this so much that I get a headache), making various strange sounds with my throat, smacking my fist against my palm, flaring my nostrils, banging on the steering wheel when I'm in the car, clicking pens over and over, hitting my stomach or legs with both hands over and over, and various other things that I can't explain or think of at the top of my head. I also pace all the time, especially when thinking, and sometimes slightly bounce up and down or slightly rock back and forth in a chair that rocks. I had always chalked it up to my ADHD. I also occasionally have compulsions to touch everything as I walk by. I used to always pull my hair out and roll it between my fingers or on a piece of paper or a book. When I have these compulsions in public, I try my best to suppress them. When the compulsions are too strong, I may try to do these actions discretely. Even then, I often get caught and embarrass myself or my sisters if they are with me.

I don't really have many sensory issues. I am sensitive to light touch which really tickles, but that's about it. I am also very sensitive to heat and get hot and start sweating easily. I'm not sure if that's related to AS though. I actually listen to music so loud that people can hear it through my huge headphones or that my car is sort of thumping and vibrating. I'm not one of those obnoxious people that sound like a concert as they drive by so save it.

I tend to go through phases of weird obsessions. The ones that I can remember include: Mountains - I would save pictures of mountains as wallpaper on my computer and iPad. There is a large mountain range near LA that can be seen from my house. I would often go outside and stare at them, especially after they have received snowfall, and I would love seeing them as I drove. I also got a bit excited when I could see them up close. I would look up stats such as the height of many mountain ranges. Palm trees - I would stare at them, take and save pictures of them, and look up the names of different species. Los Angeles - I used to hate it because of the traffic, but suddenly became so obsessed with it. I have many pictures of different areas of LA and know a lot about it, down to the exact population, 3.858 million. I also wanted so badly to move there from my boring suburb. I've also had less intense obsessions with other CA cities like San Diego and Long Beach. High rise buildings - I have saved many pictures of city skylines. Every time I pass by downtown LA, I must stare at the skyscrapers. I do this with smaller cities too to a lesser extent. If I'm the one driving, I have to at least steal some glances. Dogs - I have done so much research on dogs that I know nearly everything about them. And by pure coincidence, I am soon getting a dog handed over to me by a friend of my youngest sister because the father hates dogs. Funny thing is, with all the research I have done on dogs, I never bothered to do any research on their care. Medicine - When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with becoming a surgeon. I watched medical tv shows, read medical books, and played with my mother's (a RN) things. I knew nearly everything about human anatomy and used fancy medical words. I did very well on the human portion of my bio class. With my grades, however, I had no hope so I gave up. I've also had obsessions with being a singer, an actress, and a celebrity journalist. My current obsessions include dogs, wolfdogs (wolf/dog crosses, I never intend on getting one but I know so much that I can usually tell whether one is real or being misrepresented by looking at pictures), and freeways/highways (I save pictures of impressive stacks, look up information, watch videos, and film my own videos). I spend a LOT of time on the internet collecting information for my obsessions. My sister always wonders why I'm so obsessed with such things. It's gotten to the point that she's just used to it and no longer says anything.

I have actually been working on an English accent ever since I was a child. I would learn from TV and movies and talk like that often and would say I'm pretty good at imitating it. Even now, if I hear an English accent on TV or read an article by a Brit, I will read and think everything in an English accent and it is somewhat hard for me to snap out of it. I am actually writing this while thinking in the accent because writing it obviously made me think about it.

I don't really follow certain routines or rituals. I'm not resistant to change either, although big changes can be hard to get used to. I actually like a bit of variety, in fact.

When I was very young, I remember splitting my head open after falling through a glass table and thinking that my feet were bleeding as the blood dripped onto my feet. I felt nothing. Even earlier than that, I walked pretty far on hot asphalt until my mother came and got me. I had blisters all over my feet and felt nothing. I also remember scraping my leg so badly that I saw white and all I was focused on was the white surface. I definitely feel pain now and am actually such a pansy that I will take Tylenol for any slight pain, but I almost never show it. I can be in such excruciating pain and have no expression on my face whatsoever. I will only cry when the pain is so bad that it's crippling. I always chalked it up to the fact that I'm so used to pain. I say chalk a lot don't I?

I really enjoy spinning in circles and making myself dizzy, although I haven't done it in a while. I used to do it all the time on chairs ever since childhood, of course. I would even occasionally place chairs on uneven surfaces to make it even more fun. After making myself as dizzy as possible, I would often try to walk around. I also used to love sitting on chairs in a way that I was sort of hanging upside down.

I always have to correct people's grammar, spelling, and facts.

I always have to tell my family members EVERYTHING, even if they won't care, and I always have a need to just blurt out the truth to people. And, not sure if this has anything to do with AS, but I have to know EVERY detail and will ask a million questions.

I'm not big on numbers or math, I actually hate and am normally horrible at math. However, I'd say that my current math class is way too easy for me. I completely forgot how to do algebra and flunked the math assessment test, so I was placed in a math skills review class. I almost always finish solving problems earlier than everyone else and was the first to finish the test. I find myself solving problems on my own that we don't have to because I really want to.

Physically, I suck. My physical development was late. I was a late walker, it took me forever to learn to tie my shoe, I didn't get my training wheels off until I was 9, etc. I am terrible at sports and my physical fitness is horrendous even though I'm not overweight. I used to be a stick as a child in fact. I looked almost like I came out of a feed the children commercial. I am also very clumsy and used to constantly fall over. I am constantly dropping and spilling things and stubbing my toe.

I can be very immature for my age. When I was younger, I actually played more with kids that were far younger than me. Even now I get "You're 22 years old and blahhhh...." Even my 13 year old sister tells me I act like a child and I get angry at her for trying to tell me how a person my age should act. I often fiddle and mess with things too. I always chalked it up to my ADHD.

Now, on to my ADHD or overlapping traits. Of course the obvious traits include lack of focus, hyperfocus, distractibility, and hyperactivity. I actually never pay attention to detail and very often overlook details, which is a contrast to AS. I am also very sensitive to criticism, which is of course common with AS. I have also heard from my shrink that this could be a result of the emotional abuse that my mother inflicted on me as a child. She also said this about my low frustration tolerance and lack of control over my emotions. I am constantly forgetting things and it is a common occurrence for me to have to reverse my car back to the house after forgetting something. I have also left my phone, wallet, and ATM card at stores. It is second nature for me to lose things and forget where I put them, even if it was a second ago. I received horrible grades in school and for most of college until recently when I started taking meds. I am extremely impatient, so much that I ruined my old computer because it was freezing up on me.

My impulse control is nearly non-existent. The best examples are when I'm driving...and of course when I ruined my computer. When I'm driving by myself, I can be another driver's worst nightmare. Driving fast, cutting people off, tailgating, etc. I was actually flipped off today because I was very impatient. I usually feel horrible afterwards if I do something that would normally piss someone off. I have racked up two speeding tickets and one warning. That warning came after I stupidly passed a cop that I was just behind. D'oh! I just was in my own zone and never thought about it. I do have just enough impulse control and patience to be too chicken to do many things that aggressive drivers often do and there are certain laws that I refuse to break. I am never reckless enough to be likely to kill or maim myself or someone else and I am always adamant in saying that I am a skilled driver when my sister questions me. Funny thing is, all of my accidents and near misses were slow moving accidents that were the result of being unable to judge distance (an AS thing), not looking where I'm going, getting distracted by something I saw, or forgetting to check mirrors. Boy do I need to start taking that Ritalin before I drive.

I am incredibly messy and disorganized. I can never manage to keep a place clean. My mind races like my driving and I often go off topic or talk about the most random things. My eyes will sometimes dart everywhere and because of this, a doctor asked my parents if I was "retarded". I also very easily bored and fidget constantly. That's all I can think of right now, and I'm probably boring you guys anyway.

Now for some things that I'm not sure are related to either. I have (undiagnosed) dermatillomania (skin picking). I pick when I am just sitting there such as in class or at home. I pick until I either start bleeding or there is no skin left to pick without bleeding. When one finger runs out of skin, I move onto another until there are none left. I don't wait two days until I start picking again. I always dread cutting my nails because then it becomes difficult to pick. I usually leave a point on the edge of some of my nails so that I can use them to pick. I also pick off my cuticles.

I used to eat some odd things such as hair and dirt when I was a kid. I would eat so much hair that it would show up in my bowel movements.

I often have mood swings for no reason and become irritable and depressed. I have even TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM cut myself twice. Most of the time, however, I'm my normal hyperactive and annoying self.

I exhibit some OCD symptoms. I am so afraid of the number thirt**n that I avoid it at all costs, like I just did lol. I refuse to have my TV volume at that number for example. On the other hand, seven is a great number for me. I sometimes do things seven times. Sometimes three. When washing my hands, for example, I would pump the soap three or seven times. I can get pretty paranoid at times. I live in a safe neighborhood and constantly worry about burglary. Death is my worst nightmare. I remember when I was younger and home alone, I heard a slight noise and stayed in my bedroom for 5 hours until my parents came home. I often double check to make sure all doors are locked. Whenever I see something out of place in a store, I have to put it back where it is supposed to be. If something is fallen over or otherwise disturbed, I pick it up and/or rearrange things. I am never this way in my personal life however. Like I said, everything is a mess with piles of stuff everywhere.

I was diagnosed with anxiety (which I'm assuming is supposed to be social anxiety) because I told my shrink about my social issues. I'm going to question that the next time I see her because of my AS diagnosis by a separate psychiatrist that I didn't even know about until last week. I'd say that my social issues are more related to the AS than anxiety. I don't exhibit very many symptoms of anxiety, social or otherwise. I actually like being around people much of the time and would like to make friends, I just don't know how to properly interact with them. My mom was always saying that there is something wrong with me, but instead of trying to figure out the problem and get me help, she just put me down all the time. She puts this ridiculous taboo on mental illness. And now instead of having gotten answers and help earlier, I have been largely unsuccessful academically, socially, and otherwise and am living with my dad at 22, who, by the way, I have a hard time making eye contact with too, which really sucks. It will be a few years before I finish college and get a real job.

Anyway, if you read this novel, you have a commendation from me. Because I probably wouldn't get past the first paragraph before moving on or skimming. I can't imagine posting something this long in the ADHD forum! Thanks in advance guys!

No two people are ever alike. As I often say having the diagnosis of Asperger's really doesn't change anything and in spite what the general community might believe, I don't believe it to be a disabling condition.

We all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies. You like dogs and know a ton of things about them. I never grew up liking Doctor Who, but after watching a few episodes from Matt Smith's early run, I became an expert on the series long before Day of the Doctor aired this past November.

You're afraid of the number thirteen and you're obsessed with the number seven. Often times when I take a drink of water I need to take an even number of gulps. But it's not something that cripples my life and I'm sure there are times when you will be able to suck it up and not let the number 13 bother you.

I hate making eye contact, especially when I'm in contact with someone, but I have trained myself to make it with people I know and care about.

There are traits and aspects that you're going to find impossible to overcome. For example, I can never get myself comfortable with the idea of driving and I definitely don't ever want to work in any kind of food service position because of the tiniest likelihood that if I screw up I can hurt someone. That fear becomes reinforced every day with the fact that people can and do get hurt, or sick, as a result of mistakes made behind the wheel or in the kitchen.

But there other things I have been able to take control over because I knew that to get the things I wanted, I had no other choice.

At 22 you've got a long road ahead of you, so don't worry about trying to overcome things now. Try to take everything one day at a time. Treat each day and each experience like a learning experience and use that to motivate yourself.

I hope this is useful as advice goes. Others will have differing opinions, naturally.

[kimbosquee]

Thank you very much. I am definitely doing my best to take control and be more functional. Those were encouraging words. I'm more looking for opinions on whether I sound like I have AS along with ADHD. It's confusing because of the overlap of symptoms for both.

I also forgot to mention that I scored at 33 on the Autism/Asperger's quiz on this site and 138/200 "You are very likely an Aspie" on the rdos Aspie quiz.

Wow kimbosquee, what you describe is like looking into a mirror for me! It's such an accurate description of me too. I'm turning 25 this year, and I've had a pretty weird and lonely life. It was only last week actually that I was diagnosed with Asperges, but I actually went to a psychologist to help me with my severe depression, and then he suggested it. I too was extremely obsessed with stuff in phases when I was a kid, mine was also mountains, but also road signs, bank notes, maps, fish and sharks, and since about 10 years ago, I've been obsessed with satellite dishes and satellite television. Everywhere I go I look at roofs and walls to see what type of antennas people have put up, the brands, the shapes, colours, cables, it's so abnormal! I've spent years on the internet and in libraries looking up info about these topics over the years, and I tell professionals and experts about stuff in their own field they didn't even know about. My room at home is filled with about 20,000 pages of information, books, files, boxes on my obsessions, I throw nothing away, ever. Up until about 3-4 years ago, my satellite TV obsession became really weird, as I found a fascination about the TV channels that were on years ago in the 90's and 80's. I'm an extremely technical person, so for me, it's all about the frequencies, and which satellites, where in the sky, etc. I have literally scoured the globe for information on this, which is really hard considering how this old stuff disappears off the internet after a few years. But, I managed it. But, the weirdest thing for me, is once I get what I want (I have mastered all there is to know about my obsession), I don't pay any attention to it anymore, it's totally closed off, I store the information in a rack or file and never look at it again.

I just want to say thanks so much for telling your story, I never thought I would ever encounter someone who would understand. As for the social side of things, it's so true what you say. I too, was a lurker. I hung around outside groups but was never included. I could tell people were laughing behind my back, staring and snickering, I just tried to make as though I never noticed it. I'm a guy and I've never had a girlfriend before. It's not that I don't fall in love, it's just that I feel I would never be able to bring somebody into my life, because of it being so weird. To me, it feels like I would have to justify myself and my stuff the whole time and I just think that person would just leave me after a week out of frustration. How do you "solve" a "puzzle" like me?

The bad part is, for the last three years or so now, I've acquired severe depression because of my loneliness and being so different, and not being able to connect with others. When I was your age (22) I had no indication whatsoever, that things were going to get so bad so quickly. I was different, but I was happy, I didn't care what others thought of me, I never did. And then, out of nowhere, I suddenly just began to feel so lonely, unwanted and worthless as a person. It especially got worse after I fell in love with someone who didn't want me. You see, that's the problem, you can only live "within" yourself for so long and then you get to a point where you have to begin interacting with those around you, and then it becomes really difficult because in my case I failed every single time, for obvious reasons. So, I really hope you can avoid this part of it, because depression is horrible. I've lost all passion for those obsessions, including my satellite TV, and it's just so empty and horrible. You sound like a strong and fairly content person from what I see, so my only comment would be to try and hold onto those things that make you happy and avoid anything from creeping into your life that lowers your quality of life. If you feel like me, I like being the way I am, being "special", seeing things that nobody else could care less about, noticing stuff that nobody else ever does. That made me happy before. I made the mistake of giving up on that to pursue a "normal" life which I now realise would never work for me. But, of course, I was not diagnosed at that point so I didn't know I was "wired" differently. My pursuit of normality cost me everything I held dear, so please don't ever make the same mistake I did.

All the best into your future, and thanks again for sharing. It was a revelation for me!

[kimbosquee]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Wow kimbosquee, what you describe is like looking into a mirror for me! It's such an accurate description of me too. I'm turning 25 this year, and I've had a pretty weird and lonely life. It was only last week actually that I was diagnosed with Asperges, but I actually went to a psychologist to help me with my severe depression, and then he suggested it. I too was extremely obsessed with stuff in phases when I was a kid, mine was also mountains, but also road signs, bank notes, maps, fish and sharks, and since about 10 years ago, I've been obsessed with satellite dishes and satellite television. Everywhere I go I look at roofs and walls to see what type of antennas people have put up, the brands, the shapes, colours, cables, it's so abnormal! I've spent years on the internet and in libraries looking up info about these topics over the years, and I tell professionals and experts about stuff in their own field they didn't even know about. My room at home is filled with about 20,000 pages of information, books, files, boxes on my obsessions, I throw nothing away, ever. Up until about 3-4 years ago, my satellite TV obsession became really weird, as I found a fascination about the TV channels that were on years ago in the 90's and 80's. I'm an extremely technical person, so for me, it's all about the frequencies, and which satellites, where in the sky, etc. I have literally scoured the globe for information on this, which is really hard considering how this old stuff disappears off the internet after a few years. But, I managed it. But, the weirdest thing for me, is once I get what I want (I have mastered all there is to know about my obsession), I don't pay any attention to it anymore, it's totally closed off, I store the information in a rack or file and never look at it again.

I just want to say thanks so much for telling your story, I never thought I would ever encounter someone who would understand. As for the social side of things, it's so true what you say. I too, was a lurker. I hung around outside groups but was never included. I could tell people were laughing behind my back, staring and snickering, I just tried to make as though I never noticed it. I'm a guy and I've never had a girlfriend before. It's not that I don't fall in love, it's just that I feel I would never be able to bring somebody into my life, because of it being so weird. To me, it feels like I would have to justify myself and my stuff the whole time and I just think that person would just leave me after a week out of frustration. How do you "solve" a "puzzle" like me?

The bad part is, for the last three years or so now, I've acquired severe depression because of my loneliness and being so different, and not being able to connect with others. When I was your age (22) I had no indication whatsoever, that things were going to get so bad so quickly. I was different, but I was happy, I didn't care what others thought of me, I never did. And then, out of nowhere, I suddenly just began to feel so lonely, unwanted and worthless as a person. It especially got worse after I fell in love with someone who didn't want me. You see, that's the problem, you can only live "within" yourself for so long and then you get to a point where you have to begin interacting with those around you, and then it becomes really difficult because in my case I failed every single time, for obvious reasons. So, I really hope you can avoid this part of it, because depression is horrible. I've lost all passion for those obsessions, including my satellite TV, and it's just so empty and horrible. You sound like a strong and fairly content person from what I see, so my only comment would be to try and hold onto those things that make you happy and avoid anything from creeping into your life that lowers your quality of life. If you feel like me, I like being the way I am, being "special", seeing things that nobody else could care less about, noticing stuff that nobody else ever does. That made me happy before. I made the mistake of giving up on that to pursue a "normal" life which I now realise would never work for me. But, of course, I was not diagnosed at that point so I didn't know I was "wired" differently. My pursuit of normality cost me everything I held dear, so please don't ever make the same mistake I did.

All the best into your future, and thanks again for sharing. It was a revelation for me!

Thank you so much. You do sound a lot like me! I understand that I should be myself and not try so hard to be normal, but it's so hard to constantly embarrass myself and have everyone think of me as "weird". I guess I'm just not confident enough in myself that I care so much what others think of me. I hope I can find people that will accept me for me and understand my struggle. You are absolutely right in that I do need to eventually toughen up and start interacting with people, because I certainly do not want to spend my entire life as a lonely person. I hope that you can get through this terrible time that you are going through and find someone that will accept you no matter what.

Originally Posted by kimbosquee

Thank you so much. You do sound a lot like me! I understand that I should be myself and not try so hard to be normal, but it's so hard to constantly embarrass myself and have everyone think of me as "weird". I guess I'm just not confident enough in myself that I care so much what others think of me. I hope I can find people that will accept me for me and understand my struggle. You are absolutely right in that I do need to eventually toughen up and start interacting with people, because I certainly do not want to spend my entire life as a lonely person. I hope that you can get through this terrible time that you are going through and find someone that will accept you no matter what.

Thanks very much . I know it seems like you need to "toughen up" but I don't know if that's the solution. I tried to do that and failed miserably, because I didn't have the social instincts that everyone else did. When you act "out of character" people really find you weird and then avoid you even more. That is what gave me depression - trying to bond with others and then failing. The final nail in the coffin for me was when I told a particular girl how much I actually loved her and failed spectacularly. She now hasn't spoken to me in about 2 years . I think for us, our mission in life is finding those who don't judge us, who accept us for who we are, with all our strange characteristics. I've come to realise how hard it is for other people to work with me, and accept me. People like predictability and things (including people) that make them happy and raise their own energy levels. When somebody like me comes along, it challenges this paradigm for them, and it's difficult, because I don't fit into their "boxes" that they've created. They never know the next step with me, and I think that's what freaks people out about me. Plus, I also look quite scary , which doesn't help. People will always avoid something (or someone) they find challenging. I can honestly say that I would have liked to have had a friend like you at my school and university, because that would've made things so much better, at least someone I can relate to. It's like normal people will just never get me . All the best to you and I truly hope things work out the way YOU want them to . If you would ever like to chat via personal messages (PM) I'll gladly do so anytime . All the best .

Originally Posted by kimbosquee

. I'm more looking for opinions on whether I sound like I have AS along with ADHD.
I.

That's going to be the problem with any diagnosis you receive. It's why I don't consider Asperger's to be a disabling condition, because it's really more like a list of traits that could easily apply to other things as well.

From what I understand, ADHD has more biological components that can be readily controlled with some kind of chemical intervention like medications.

The components of Asperger's are largely neurological and psychological. A pill might help with anxiety but it's not going to make you less of a dog aficionado.

Does that make sense?

[kimbosquee]

Originally Posted by TheWolfEmperor

That's going to be the problem with any diagnosis you receive. It's why I don't consider Asperger's to be a disabling condition, because it's really more like a list of traits that could easily apply to other things as well.

From what I understand, ADHD has more biological components that can be readily controlled with some kind of chemical intervention like medications.

The components of Asperger's are largely neurological and psychological. A pill might help with anxiety but it's not going to make you less of a dog aficionado.

Does that make sense?

Yes that makes sense. That's why AS is so confusing and of course difficult to diagnose. So many other problems have the same symptoms. I'm certain that I have ADHD because the medications work wonders for my concentration issues. I am also positive that I have AS because so many of its symptoms describe me. It's too bad that there is no easy treatment of AS and all we can do is work to deal with this issues. I absolutely agree with you that it doesn't have to be a disability.

[kimbosquee]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thanks very much . I know it seems like you need to "toughen up" but I don't know if that's the solution. I tried to do that and failed miserably, because I didn't have the social instincts that everyone else did. When you act "out of character" people really find you weird and then avoid you even more. That is what gave me depression - trying to bond with others and then failing. The final nail in the coffin for me was when I told a particular girl how much I actually loved her and failed spectacularly. She now hasn't spoken to me in about 2 years . I think for us, our mission in life is finding those who don't judge us, who accept us for who we are, with all our strange characteristics. I've come to realise how hard it is for other people to work with me, and accept me. People like predictability and things (including people) that make them happy and raise their own energy levels. When somebody like me comes along, it challenges this paradigm for them, and it's difficult, because I don't fit into their "boxes" that they've created. They never know the next step with me, and I think that's what freaks people out about me. Plus, I also look quite scary , which doesn't help. People will always avoid something (or someone) they find challenging. I can honestly say that I would have liked to have had a friend like you at my school and university, because that would've made things so much better, at least someone I can relate to. It's like normal people will just never get me . All the best to you and I truly hope things work out the way YOU want them to . If you would ever like to chat via personal messages (PM) I'll gladly do so anytime . All the best .

It sucks that people have such a rigid view of what's "normal", and anyone that doesn't fit into that is untouchable. There are way too many societal rules that we just can't keep up with. I am so sorry that people are running away from you. I wish people would be more understanding and know that not all of us can be "normal". It's almost as if we should start walking around with signs saying that we have an ASD so people would understand. What's funny is that many of these people are the same people that are accepting of all ethnicities, religions, sexual orientations, etc. but won't accept people that fall outside of social norms. Feel free to shoot me a PM.

Originally Posted by kimbosquee

It sucks that people have such a rigid view of what's "normal", and anyone that doesn't fit into that is untouchable. There are way too many societal rules that we just can't keep up with. I am so sorry that people are running away from you. I wish people would be more understanding and know that not all of us can be "normal". It's almost as if we should start walking around with signs saying that we have an ASD so people would understand. What's funny is that many of these people are the same people that are accepting of all ethnicities, religions, sexual orientations, etc. but won't accept people that fall outside of social norms. Feel free to shoot me a PM.

Thanks so much for that. I don't know about you, but I often feel like a detached observer of others, just watching them - how they are interacting, socializing, laughing, chatting, etc. - and not understanding how they do it. They make it look so easy.