Boyfriend with Aspergers - I need help understanding

You are right. Most young people don’t ‘get it’ and in between my first girlfriend and my Wife I met a number of women that liked me and were willing to date me up until I revealed to them I had ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome and OCD and some of them would tell their friends and laugh about me behind my back while others would avoid me like the plaque and it made me feel like **** and I thought I got lucky with my best friend because she loved me regardless of my disabilities but now I see they were doing me a favour because they showed me their true colours. I wouldn’t want to be with somebody as narrow minded and discriminative as that now and you shouldn’t either because you can do much better like I did with my Wife and my Wife is smarter, kinder and more beautiful than any of them.

This whole belief you are ‘wrong’ because you have Asperger’s Syndrome comes from the media and you need to ignore it because these are the same group of hypocrites that are the first ones in line to stand up against other forms of discrimination such as racism, sexism and homophobia but put down people with disabilities every chance they get. Ignore it because it is designed to give people low self esteem and ignore any other deadshit that tries to tell you that you are ‘wrong’ because you don’t fit into their definition of normal which is probably boring as hell. Instead of wasting your time focusing on what makes you different from those people focus on what makes you unique and what qualities you have that they lack because you are bound to have some. What are you good at? I realise it isn’t easy and most people won’t understand unless they have it too but don’t bury yourself into a hole.

There are many people with Asperger’s Syndrome that have gone on to become successful and John Denver, Dan Akroyd, Alfred Hitchcock, Bob Dylan, Jenny Simmons (Addison Road), Craig Nicholls (the Vines), Daryl Hannah, James Durbin, James Taylor, Robin Williams, Al Gore, Woody Allen etc are just a few of them and many people believe Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson had Asperger’s or ADD too and while I wouldn’t call myself famous I am a songwriter and a musician and I have had a few of my songs recorded by independent artists and bands here in Australia. I also work as a journalist and plan on becoming an author and a politician next. My Wife is my biggest fan and she says things like I am a musical genius and an amazing guitarist and when we first started dating she kept asking me to go on Australian Idol but I don’t like singing in front of big crowds and would rather be her singer.

You can be successful and if you are having trouble dating women your age then perhaps you should consider dating an older woman. My Wife is older than me and with the exception of my best friend I was always attracted to women that were around my sister’s age.

Thanks for all the input guys . I don't have a problem with accepting myself, I know I'm unique and I kinda like it, it just feels like I have to convince other "normal" people the whole time, that I can do things and that I can do things normal people do. I'm just tired of having to find diagnoses or whatever and then having to prove myself to others or explain to them. I just want to be treated like another man, without having to beg to be included or respected as a person. I'm not a freak, I'm just different. I don't have to be avoided like the plague. Why does everyone feel like they have to? I guess I'll never really know.

I wish you nothing but the best and if you ever need somebody to talk to about your problems don't be afraid to send me a private message.

Hi, It's me again. So I broke up with my Aspie boyfriend a month ago (we only dated for a few months and in the first month of dating he would say that he thinks he found the perfect woman and was even talking about marriage and wanting kids; way too fast in my opinion) and last week he said he was fine (after a few weeks of no talking) and is open to be friends. However, he has not returned a text in the last week which makes me believe that either 1) he is not really open to be friends or 2) is still hurt about the breakup and is not quite ready to be friends yet. While we dated, he had NO PROBLEM telling me exactly what he was thinking and was usually way too direct about it and would come off as rude or very insensitive at times. I've asked him very directly(via. text because he doesn't talk on the phone) if he does not want anymore contact with me and yet, he has still not replied back to me. I read that Aspies will shut down...his friend who introduced us said that he's been especially quiet at work and hasn't talked to him much. Is he in 'shut down' mode or is he just completing shutting me out? I still care for him and do not want to end things on a bad note and truly do want to be friends. Can an Aspie please give me any insight on what could be going through his mind? I don't want to keep pestering him if he is shutting me out. It just makes me more angry and hurt that he's not responding to me.

Um... even if he has AS he is not a machine. We all react differently to things. I actually don't even know what shut down mode would be.

You're the one knowing him the best. Us here can only guess.

Ok, i just read that Aspies express/show emotions differently...so I'm not sure. Thanks though

It might sound funny, but he might actually feel like he is pestering you or harassing you by simply talking to you. I sometimes feel that way with people. I will rather back-off if things aren't too great and close up. I go into avoidant mode.

That makes no sense to me. I'm very direct and clear that I want to talk. He's most likely acting like an immature ahole.

Hey Jenny

Recently i've been reading 'Sensory Perceptual Issues in Autism and Asperger Syndrome' by Olga Bogdashina - it is really helping me understand why people perceive the disorder in the way they do-in a variety of ways even down to colour codes.

This book also made myself and some family members think about my possible place on the AS spectrum which, without this book, I would still be in the dark about a lot of things about they way I perceive social situations.

I would highly recommend it.

Exactly. This condition never makes sense, not even to the people that have it. Now you understand how we must feel.

When someone breaks it up, the other person often feels sad, rejected and hurt. Normals do it to. You can't simply expect someone you dumped to be your best friend and they should be OK about it.

One problem i, and many other aspies deal with is Alienation.
And possibly, you may have been the only person he could stand being around.
And Then, in his perspective, you go and straight alienate him.
I, and i assume others, get alienated, we retreat to ourselves, and hold our emotions in.
When you alienate an aspie like that, i, at least, would be very defensive, because you are now against us, and with no one to express emotion too, and the person who just hurt us want's to be freinds, you would think someone would be reluctant.
-jimi- Said it best,
"When someone breaks it up, the other person often feels sad, rejected and hurt. Normals do it to. You can't simply expect someone you dumped to be your best friend and they should be OK about it."
This, and the fact we aren't like normal people.
I feel as if aspergers is an invisible wall between me and expressing emotion.
I want to say how i feel, but it's like my mouth is duck taped shut, i'm chained to the floor and was just told my family died.
And when i get away from people, i just break down crying.
The invisible wall is also why i am constantly lonely, because i can't just go get Friends, they think i'm weird and unemotional.
I just don't have body language down.
And i feel if i tried to make Friends with them, i would be rejected, thus i am fearful.
And again, when i'm alone, i cry until i can stop.
But strangely enough i innately try to hold back tears no matter what when around people other than my girlfriend.
One thing about my girlfriend you may note, she, is in Bulgaria, and i, am in the united states- you can probably infer why i mention location.
Because we are on Nearly the opposite sides of this planet.
And we are as intimate as possible, while sometimes very distant from one another, i can still proudly say i would only choose her over any girl nearby.
I believe she is likely also an aspie, but does not know it.
When she finishes School in 4 years, i plan to fly her to america.
We've been together for over 6 months, and i have had doubt in the relationship, but i know it will work.
We are essentially eachother's only friend.
She's the only one i truly feel safe with, and feel understood and accepted by, and it seems she is the same way.
I have no clue what i would do if we split, or i lost her.
I would probably get depressed, or even worse, suicidal.
This is because - once again, i have Aspergers, i just can't talk to anybody when i'm sad.
And i would always be sad and lonely, and it would get worse and worse, until i just wouldn't be able to take it anymore.
And people around me would have no idea anything would be wrong until i was already dead.

He is not ready to talk, and feels very alienated. Read what jimi and BoomBam are saying (they are explaining it a lot better than I can).

Wow, BoomBam, I thank you so much for that. You paint such a insightful image of the life of a person with ASD, I don't think I could explain it any better than that, that's exactly how I feel too. I'm so glad you say you've got a girlfriend (a partner in this lonely life), that's great. OK, it's long distance, but it's still great, and you say it's not going to be long distance for that much longer. Holding thumbs for you that all goes well for the 4 years, and then thereafter too.

I think maybe what I was saying above in my post was not clear, or maybe it's just me that feels that way. But, it's so confusing. I get alienated from people the whole time. Somehow, I know it was my fault, but for the life of me I cannot work out what it is I did wrong. I don't understand social dynamics, I can't work out what it is I said or did to make that person go away from me. And, sometimes that person is not angry either, which then makes no sense to me at all. They come back and then they are friendly with me! I am at that point so confused. Why do they ignore me for months like they are angry at me, and then when I see them again they are happy to see me? Some people again I say nothing and then they begin to ignore me since I "obviously" did something wrong. I don't know anymore .

Thank you for the insight as this has made a lot of things more clear why I got no closure when I finally left the marriage of 33 years for my own financial safety & security. I'm beginning to understand that he was incapable of communicating not that he wouldn't.

Aspergers does make it hard to talk about certain things. I have aspergers and dating was always hard until I found another way to communicate. I write letters when I am upset.I find it much easier. I'm now married and can'tsay it is easy but I go to therapy and have a caseworker that really helps.

I have aspergers and find it much easier to write letters or a journal and let my spouse read them. I have a hard verbally expressing how I feel our what i need

its kind of ironic cause I almost have the same issue except I have Rapid cyle bipolar and I have been showing signs of having autism as well.

my boyfriend also does the whole I have not gone to a therapist in years and I don't see why you need help thing...as well going to a therapist is a crutch.

the only thing he ironically does not view as such is my taking meds for my issues.

I will say after a while he did start shutting up about things...and realizing i need a therapist. Probably cause the place I am dealing with has a really strict policy on things there and I have had to go without for a while now.

and frankly having no therapist at all for me when I have the kinds of issues I do is far worse idea then anything...