Hi all.

So, it was earlier this year that I finally received an answer to a question plaguing me my entire life - why am so I different to everyone else? I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. Finally, the culprit was named, the criminal who entered my brain when I was just a baby about to be born, disrupted everything, and robbed me of a normal life, 25 years ago. I've finally met him and I've seen his face, and what a hideous face it is. "Great!" I thought, he has been caught out and is now behind bars, I can move on with my life. Hmmm...not so fast boy.

He has not just robbed you and you alone. It turns out his legacy of destruction can continue, and it's YOU that will propagate it, if you so choose. "But, I don't want to do it, I don't want this to happen again, to someone else", well, then, you've got a choice to make, and what a choice it is. Where does it choose to make it's largest impact? Not on your social life (even though it does somewhat), not on your life skills (even though it does somewhat), not on your income and career (although it does), but the one place where you as a human being, no matter how screwed up you are, can do something meaningful in your life and have the most impact in this world - having children of your own. The one thing that brings us the closest we'll ever be to being like our very Creator while in this earthly form, the ability to create an image of you in your own likeness, a version of you that will carry your legacy forward and do the same one day. The choice does not stop you from fathering children of your own, you may do so by all means, but, on one condition, they too must carry the legacy of the criminal, and suffer the same fate you, their father, did. Whether it be in biological or environmental form, it's effect WILL be done, there's no getting away from it.

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So, I guess that's what I wish to ask. I'm at a fork in my life - to have (Asperger's) children, or not to have children at all. More importantly, to have a real meaningful life, or not have a meaningful life at all. To finally be as close to normal man and father as you'll ever be, or live for the rest of your days in lonely obscurity.

You see, before I knew I had Asperger's disorder, I knew I was different. But, did that stop me from experiencing what it's like to be a human being? No. I felt it all, albeit with disappointment at many times, but the most important - that one can find a significant other, and love another human being so much that it hurts. She is my heart, the whole thing, she made it whole and warm. It was made of stone-cold ice before she came along, guarded within a grotesque fortress of high walls and barriers. She brought the whole damn thing to the ground, and what a joyous day that was, the heart inside saw the ray of sunshine that had come upon it and it melted to reveal a hidden heart inside, one which immediately loved the ray of sun, because she had freed him. The ray of sun didn't understand, she just saw a heart, and she left him, because that's all that her task entailed - free the heart from its fortress and leave him thereafter, as he is then free and should fend for himself. The heart didn't understand this, why was he not allowed to be warmed permanently by the ray of sun, and why did she not see how much he loved her for freeing him?

That's the time I met the love of my life (my ray of sun). I love her to this very day. Everyone says I should forget about her and find someone else, but they are moon-rays in the dead of night compared to her brilliance. "No" I thought, "I must try and understand, what will bring back my ray of sun? I need her to come back, and this time to stay. I will not rest as long as I know she is around."

You see, she was my reason for still wanting to try in this life. She was the only girl I ever wanted to marry and have children with.

Then the Asperger's diagnosis. On my quest to understand my ray of sun, I uncovered truths about myself.

Hmmm...Asperger's disorder. It's genetic. Most certainly carried from father to children.

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Now, I sit with this dilemma - should I have children or not? My poor children, I can't let them go through this too. All the bullying, being outcasts in your own backyard, being isolated and mocked, being led to believe you are an abnormal sub-human. Why them too? Wasn't I enough?

So, I figured, maybe it's best I don't have any. Well, what girl wants to marry a guy that doesn't want to have children one day? What does this mean for me? I will NEVER EVER have a chance with my ray of sun again. If I choose this, not only will other girls never look at me, my loved one won't either (reduces my chance with her from 1% to 0%). All the anguish, all the pain, the suffering because I miss her and love her so much, all the effort to try and find another loved one, a new one - all pointless - seeing as I'm not going to have children. This means I'll never get married, never know what it's like to have that special person in my life, the one who makes it all worthwhile, I will be a man alone, wandering the earth till the day I die.

But, I want a loved one - well, that implies having children one day. And, if I have children, they'll have Asperger's disorder, passed on from their dear old dad. The cycle of pain and suffering begins again. My loved one saying to herself, this man, has given me these children who are not normal. I have sacrificed my life to be with him and the chance of having normal children. Can I blame her? No. She's right. I did rob her of it. Oh no! I am a criminal too! I am no better than the criminal that robbed me of a normal life, I did the same thing to my loved one and my children . It's true, his legacy did live on!

So, I guess that's my question - have children and destroy their lives and the life of a poor, innocent young woman too, or have no children and face life completely alone, with no-one to hold or love, despite all the love I have in me that I so desperately want to give to that special girl.

Hhhhhaahh. What a choice .

Sorry guys, got a bit carried away there. I basically just want to know what you guys think.

So, I've been thinking, taking all things into consideration. Like, I think the best thing for me, and for everyone else, is to NOT have children. The reasons for this way of thinking is I've learnt that:

1. Asperger's is hereditary. My children will get it from me. Now, passing over talents or good looks is one thing, but passing over this horrible condition is another thing all together. I remember how horrible my childhood was, and I can't do that to my poor children one day. They will get something from me they didn't even ask for or want at all.

2. A marriage to an Asperger's man is no walk in the park to any wife. Sure, some Asperger's men are loving and devoted husbands, but we tend not to understand responsibility and what our role should or shouldn't be. If we're not interfering where it's not necessary, then we are too distant again when our input is actually needed. We solve problems that aren't really problems and don't spend any time on real issues. I speak for myself (and my dad somewhat) of course. From my experience, we are more like a grown up child than an adult.

3. My poor wife will never know what it's like to have a normal, emotionally supportive husband and have normal children. In other words, a normal life in a normal family.

Now, the whole point of getting married is to have children. OK, so I've loved someone dearly before, and I love being able to love and feel love, even though I have a tough time expressing it and convincing others that I'm not a soulless monster but a man, capable of love, and who can love so very dearly that it hurts.

But, if it's not a good idea for me to have children, then there's no point in me getting married. So, if I know I'm never going to get married, I might as well stop my search right now for my significant other, right? I mean, what's the point of attaining something if you're not going to plan on doing something with it?

But, it's the one thing I've always wanted more than anything else. Anything else I've done in the past, attempted, aimed at, I've been able to achieve. But, the one thing I've wanted is a loved one, a wife, someone to love, more than I've ever loved anyone, someone I'm willing to die for. Now, I do feel this for someone special, but here is the problem.

If I'm not going to have children one day, I might as well give up in trying to reach out to my loved one. I mean, there's no point in it then, is there? I know she wants to have children, well, OK, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure. She's beautiful, loving, kind, caring and smart so I'm sure she wants to have children. She'll make a great mom one day.

But, I'm not going to make a great dad and husband. I will hurt her and damage her more than anything else if I start a family with her. I will ruin her life basically.

I have another problem. I am the last male in my family with my great-grandfather's surname, in other words, I am the one to continue the blood-line. All my cousins are either women, or they are my aunt's sons (different surnames). So, it's up to me to keep the family "alive". If I look at all the men before me (from my great-grandad), they all seemed to have Asperger's syndrome. My great-grandad was a lot like me, from what my dad and uncle tell me. If I don't have children, I kill the blood-line and it's all on my head. Over 100 years of history and family, down the drain. It makes me feel horrible and so guilty, how can I betray my own family like this?

Putting it all together in the grand scheme of my life then, not having children renders me a pointless human being. I have no reason now to do anything anymore. Why build a career? Why live healthy? Why bother? There's no point in doing something if there's no end goal in life. The only reason we set smaller goals when we are young is to reach the big end goal in life - taking care of and raising a family. There's nothing else in life more meaningful (my opinion, sure, but am I really that far wrong?).

The meaning and purpose has been taken out of my life. I have depression because of it, I am unhealthy because of it, and, I don't care. I can honestly say, I no longer need to be here. And, if I don't wake up tomorrow morning, it will be the greatest gift ever given to me.

[TragicKingdoms]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Sorry guys, got a bit carried away there. I basically just want to know what you guys think.

So, I've been thinking, taking all things into consideration. Like, I think the best thing for me, and for everyone else, is to NOT have children. The reasons for this way of thinking is I've learnt that:

1. Asperger's is hereditary. My children will get it from me. Now, passing over talents or good looks is one thing, but passing over this horrible condition is another thing all together. I remember how horrible my childhood was, and I can't do that to my poor children one day. They will get something from me they didn't even ask for or want at all.

2. A marriage to an Asperger's man is no walk in the park to any wife. Sure, some Asperger's men are loving and devoted husbands, but we tend not to understand responsibility and what our role should or shouldn't be. If we're not interfering where it's not necessary, then we are too distant again when our input is actually needed. We solve problems that aren't really problems and don't spend any time on real issues. I speak for myself (and my dad somewhat) of course. From my experience, we are more like a grown up child than an adult.

3. My poor wife will never know what it's like to have a normal, emotionally supportive husband and have normal children. In other words, a normal life in a normal family.

Now, the whole point of getting married is to have children. OK, so I've loved someone dearly before, and I love being able to love and feel love, even though I have a tough time expressing it and convincing others that I'm not a soulless monster but a man, capable of love, and who can love so very dearly that it hurts.

But, if it's not a good idea for me to have children, then there's no point in me getting married. So, if I know I'm never going to get married, I might as well stop my search right now for my significant other, right? I mean, what's the point of attaining something if you're not going to plan on doing something with it?

But, it's the one thing I've always wanted more than anything else. Anything else I've done in the past, attempted, aimed at, I've been able to achieve. But, the one thing I've wanted is a loved one, a wife, someone to love, more than I've ever loved anyone, someone I'm willing to die for. Now, I do feel this for someone special, but here is the problem.

If I'm not going to have children one day, I might as well give up in trying to reach out to my loved one. I mean, there's no point in it then, is there? I know she wants to have children, well, OK, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure. She's beautiful, loving, kind, caring and smart so I'm sure she wants to have children. She'll make a great mom one day.

But, I'm not going to make a great dad and husband. I will hurt her and damage her more than anything else if I start a family with her. I will ruin her life basically.

I have another problem. I am the last male in my family with my great-grandfather's surname, in other words, I am the one to continue the blood-line. All my cousins are either women, or they are my aunt's sons (different surnames). So, it's up to me to keep the family "alive". If I look at all the men before me (from my great-grandad), they all seemed to have Asperger's syndrome. My great-grandad was a lot like me, from what my dad and uncle tell me. If I don't have children, I kill the blood-line and it's all on my head. Over 100 years of history and family, down the drain. It makes me feel horrible and so guilty, how can I betray my own family like this?

Putting it all together in the grand scheme of my life then, not having children renders me a pointless human being. I have no reason now to do anything anymore. Why build a career? Why live healthy? Why bother? There's no point in doing something if there's no end goal in life. The only reason we set smaller goals when we are young is to reach the big end goal in life - taking care of and raising a family. There's nothing else in life more meaningful (my opinion, sure, but am I really that far wrong?).

The meaning and purpose has been taken out of my life. I have depression because of it, I am unhealthy because of it, and, I don't care. I can honestly say, I no longer need to be here. And, if I don't wake up tomorrow morning, it will be the greatest gift ever given to me.

Hello, StbGuy.

I have Aspergers Syndrome also.

I am also more like a a grown up child than an adult - I try to change that but I'm not sure how to, really.

Your posts are very intriguing.

I have been married before, no children, so I did not fortunately pass the gene onto them.

I too look for that ray of sunshine in my life again (I do not mean my ex-Wife, that was a disaster, overall).

I am glad that you shared here.

Personally, though, I would say, I would not make having children the crux of defining or having a healthy and warm, loving relationship with a Woman; But that is just me - I would really never want children myself.

Take care,
Matthew

[rosska]

Hey man, sorry to see this is all getting to you so bad. A few things worth considering though;

1, The purpose of marriage is not to have children. Plenty of married couples never want or have children. The purpose of marriage is to make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this one person who you love above all others.

2, Yes, males are more likely to pass on the condition than females are by a significant figure. But at the end of the day, it's only a chance. People with HIV have a chance of passing that on to their children, but a lot of them still have perfectly healthy children every day. (I realise the two are completely different, but I'm just trying to demonstrate that a chance shouldn't be enough reason to rule it out for posterity.)

3, If you do happen to have a child with an ASD, you will be more able to spot the signs early on. Doing so means your child may not have to face as many of the challenges as you or some of the rest of us did by not getting diagnosed until adulthood.

4, Personal point. If you really want a child, and don't want to face the risks of passing on your ASD to your child, why not adopt? We have an ever increasing world population, it's actually scary how fast it's increasing (these are the sorts of things I panic about at 3AM and lose sleep over). To help with population control, people should adopt more and give birth to new children less. There are millions of children living in foster homes or shelters because their parents gave them up, these children would be grateful for a loving and supportive family whether they are blood relations or not. I decided long ago that if I were to have a child I would adopt.

Thanks for the response Rosska . You make a lot of valid points for sure.

You're very right, many married couples don't have children. The problem is, this particular girl I love, I'm sure she's going to want to have children. And, she should, she'd make such a great mother if I consider what a wonderful person she is.

About the adoption. OK, I'm not totally against the idea. But, I mentioned the blood-line of my family ending with me basically. Now, if I adopt children, my family will ask "but why didn't you have any of your own? You didn't have to adopt, you've killed our blood-line" and they be right of course, because there's nothing wrong with my fertility or whatever, so I should be able to father my own. If I adopt, I'll create a huge problem anyway. It's not a total no though. A while back, a young female friend of mine became pregnant by accident and for a long time I considered taking her under my wing maybe and taking care of her and the child. But, I wasn't financially strong enough, so that fell through and I abandoned the idea. But, if I had the money, I would have provided for her for sure, and the child. I would have provided a home for them and taken care of their needs, but I don't think I would have married her. Maybe that was the ideal opportunity for me to find out how much of a dad I could've been, but I didn't have the means to provide unfortunately.

[Trippin2.0]

Does your father also have a dx of ASD?

I ask because I have a BP dx, but nobody else in my family has MH issues, so my daughter's chance of not inheriting this from me looks quite good.

Since you're not currently in a relationship you have some time to come to a decision on this issue, no need to rush.

Have you made a Pros & Cons list in order to see which decision holds more weight?

If not I suggest doing so, P&C lists have helped me greatly with huge decisions.

Take care!

[eskielover]

I'm just curious because this whole exercise you have gone through here sounds like it's only with one girl in mind...."the love of your life" where only your love for her exists & she isn't even in your life & doesn't sounds like she wants to be whether you want or choose to have kids or not....sounds like from what you have described that she had no desire to be either.....so unless you can EVER find someone compatible for marriage the having a baby delema is non-existant at the moment & will be until you ever find the right person.

I for one had no desire to have kids...had no idea at the time that H (back in 1975) even had the possibility of having aspergers even though not dx'ed I'm sure that is what he & what I struggled to deal with but without knowledge or a dx looked like I was married to a passive aggressive child for 33 years. Even not wanting children we ended up with our daughter...absolutely NO signs of being like her father. I have since discussed my findings with her & not ever having a close relationship with him she didn't see the things I saw.

There could be many women who don't have a problem with an aspie H...from my own experience it honestly depends on the expectations the woman has going into the marriage & what she expects her H to be like. I wanted a man who was NOTHING LIKE my fafher who continually embarrassed me growing up but i blamed it on his lack of education....both my parents had no social skills but fil well together....I just didn't fit with them & if I choose to get married (something I was seriously questioning about ever doing thinking better off alone...& should have stuck with that thought). Never imagined back in those days that a college grad with a high IQ wouldn't be everything my dad wasn't. Saw red flags before the wedding but no knowledge of aspergers existed & mom suggested he would become responsible when responsibilities hit & he would have to grow up.

My problem with the marriage was my expectstions & what I needed my H to be like because of what I grew up with for a father....not all women have the same needs as I did & can be a lot more easy going than I was....the fights began even before day one of the marriage & lasted 33 years mostly because I hid in my engineering career the way many men do who feel they are in a bad marriage.....

I am sure if my H had chosen a more easy going woman than how driven I was(& am) his life yould have been peaceful & remote possibility more successful....but he was always thinking himself better than others while not performing better.

You are correct about marriage being a challenge especially if serious issues are incapable of being changed or refusal to change gets in the way of fixing the problem. A good marriage is difficult when there aren't added problems....but when there is mutual RESPECT from which comes love....a marriage can work...one huge thing I learned was NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!!!! H was always making his assumptions & I was making mine but there was no match.

Another important thing is honesty & truth...& if you can't prove what you are saying...say I think...not I know this for a fact...because then those things come across as lies the same way that not telling something does...silence can become a lie just as much as blatently saying something that is wrong.

You need to establish a good marriage before ever thinking about having kids in the first place. If you never find a woman compatible for a wife all your time worrying about whether to have kidz or not is a mute point....

Not all dad's with aspergers create kids with aspergers especially if you end up with a daughter.

I wish you the best with this...focus on reality not wishful thinking...found that to ALWAYS cause me disappointment.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I577 using Tapatalk 2

[Lemongrab]

I have asked myself the same question: should I have children, knowing that Aspergers and autism is strong in my family (both my brother and I have AS, and both my father and other brother show distinctly AS-like behaviour though never diagnosed). What if my child is born lower on the spectrum; will I be able to deal with a special needs child? I don't like children and I am not good with them, so that is also a factor. In the end I believe it's a risk you have to take, and you have to be prepared for whatever outcome you get. Are you prepared to love and care for your child, even though they may be different or handicapped? Thankfully conditions like AS and autism are far better understood in today's society than they were a few decades ago, so if your child is born with AS they will have a better time than previous generations.

Hey guys, thanks so much to all of you for your input . You have given me so much to think about, as you all bring up such valid points.

To Matthew/TragicKingdoms, thanks for sharing and for finding my posts intriguing (despite them being so way out , especially number one). I'm glad to hear that you have been able to let go of your disastrous relationship with your ex-wife and that you are now searching for your "ray of sun" again. So, OK, you decided not to have children, or it just sort of worked out that you didn't have any (either or). But, would you ever have children, if I may ask? You know, if you find your loved one and the situation is right?

To Rosska - thanks again

To Trippin2.0, my dad did not have a dx no, but since I've had my dx (which he doesn't know of by the way), I can see a lot of characteristics of me in him too, he struggles with the same things and he doesn't understand it, I can see he doesn't, and he feels isolated too. The thing is, he is quite the bitter and controlling individual (he might have NPD too I think) and will never accept any sort of "viewpoint" from me either. My father and I are not close, although we do talk, and I do "live under his roof" (yes, there's an implied guilt-trip feeling there). The other thing is, I'm quite a damaged person. I know I'll be a rubbish dad one day, there's no doubt about it. Now, children are strong and can learn and grow out of broken homes and still become successful sometimes for sure, but one will never know how your being damaged has affected them, they don't even know themselves. I don't know what effect the distant relationship between me and my dad had on me, he knows even less so (he might even think there is nothing to worry about). My issue is, it's not just the Asperger's. I am a damaged individual for other reasons (not mentioned here) too. I'm sure I'm going to fail any children I have as a father.

To Eskielover, thanks for the ton of info . Firstly, yes, you're right, she is not in my life and probably never will be. That's another issue I'm trying to work on, to try and get over too, which I'm failing miserably at. That's partly why I'm stuck too. OK, but let's say hypothetically that I am over her, so now I'm on the lookout for the love of my life (not her anymore). This is where my problem comes in, it's almost like circle reasoning:

I want a loved one, and to be married, but I know 95% of the women I meet have the intentions of having children one day. Now, yes, there are 5% who don't. But, the probability is extremely high that I fall in love with a woman that is in the former 95% (she wants to be a mom, which is only fair, I think many girls do, it's a beautiful thing, because many girls are close to their mom, they look up to her, and I think the mother is normally the more reliable parent nowadays, many dads just up and leave or don't play such a strong role in a girl's life especially - i.e. strong female role model in a girl's life).

Now, for reasons mentioned previously, I consider myself to be rubbish father material. So, now I meet this wonderful girl, I love her, but I don't want to have children with her, but she does. End result - I hurt her so badly because I deprive her of the thing she wants. Yes, she loves me, and maybe doesn't want to leave me, just like I never want to leave her, because we love each other. But, because of my selfish choice, I've ruined her life. I would never be able to live with that. I would rather be alone and suffer in loneliness than to ruin someone's life like that.

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, and in that instance "Your mother always knows best" did not hold - she was wrong to advise you that he would "grow up". Asperger's sufferers never do. My dad is like a 65 year old child who constantly throws tantrums like a 5 year old when he doesn't get his way. Even after marrying my mom, he still for about 20 years carried on his pre-marriage lifestyle, hanging out with drinking buddies and wasting money which had to be used for other stuff, like on the house for example. Today, he has a small pension that won't even be able to support him and my mom. That's why today, at 65, he still works a full-time job. I always thought it's because of me, but I looked at the figures, even if I wasn't there, it still wouldn't be enough. For years I felt guilty because I thought my birth put an unrecoverable financial burden on my parents, that may be, but my dad's lack of responsibility had a lot to do with it. It's funny, my late grandmother (my mom's mom) told her not to marry my dad. My mom didn't take the advice.

Passive aggressive is a great way of describing my dad. He sulks and doesn't talk for weeks. And, it's always over something stupid, like maybe not going to a restaurant that he wanted to go to that day, even though he's been there a million other times on other days.

Unfortunately, as I'm getting older, I'm getting more of my dad's qualities coming through. Not as strong, but it's there. I do have a close relationship with my mom though, much closer than she and my dad. I think my dad gets jealous of that too.

So, all things considered, I reckon I would be a rubbish dad myself (not a good role model in my life and my MH issues), so perhaps at the end of the day, no children, and no wife (if I look at what you describe your relationship with your husband to be like) seems the best option for me. My only problem is I had a taste of what it's like to love someone (even though unrequited) and it felt soooooo great, I need it again, like a drug.

And, Lemongrab. Your fears and mine are very much the same. At first I would say that I don't like children too, but actually it's not that, it's actually I'm rather scared of them. I am no good with them either . I don't think I've ever held one and I don't think I've ever had one smile at me ever. Have you ever had one of those situations where you're like at a family get together or something and your cousin brings his/her toddler or baby out and everyone's like "Oooh" and "Aaah" and then you just sit there not saying anything? Not because you don't like children, you just don't know what to do or say. And, everyone is playing with the child and the child smiles and laughs (especially babies) and you think to yourself "Please Lord above!! Pleeeaaassse, don't let them come my way, it's going to be so embarrassing!!" and then you look again, they bring the baby to you and you can't make it laugh or smile like everyone else did. It's the worst feeling in the whole world! Your family's looking at you funny, and you think "Oh no, they all think I'm some kind of monster." At that point I feel like disappearing into the ground. Damn, children are so intuitive, LOL! It's almost like they can sense stuff about you.

But, anyway, you are right. Things are handled and understood better today.

It seems the AS was passed down through every second son most strongly down my bloodline from my great-grandfather. He was AS I reckon, he did a lot of things I did, very artistic, scientific and technically minded. He theorized about a lot of things, wrote unpublished books, saw the world in a different way to everyone else. My grandad was like that a bit, but wasted most of his time drinking in the pub. My dad was my grandad's second son, and he seems to have that "talent" too, and then me, I am my dad's second son too. Years ago he had a son with another woman before he met my mom, so I am not his first son, although I have no siblings. I know nothing of my half-brother, so if he also has these traits I will never know.

So, I'm torn. If I don't plan on having children, I'm not really going to bother looking for a wife either, I mean, what's the point?

[Alone & confused]

My son (the one I told you about) isn't very good with children either. But for some reason his nieces & nephews gravitate to him anyway. Lol. Sometimes they irritate him to no end! Is there anyway you could get some "practice" being around children, (playing with, helping care for, being around them in general) to see how it goes before "writing off" being a father all together?

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

My son (the one I told you about) isn't very good with children either. But for some reason his nieces & nephews gravitate to him anyway. Lol. Sometimes they irritate him to no end! Is there anyway you could get some "practice" being around children, (playing with, helping care for, being around them in general) to see how it goes before "writing off" being a father all together?

I wish there was time. It's this stupid degree I'm enrolled for. I have no time for anything else and I can't leave because I'm tied in with a contract, which I had to take because one of my family members went and overplayed my hand before I had made a decision, buying something on credit which they assumed I would help pay back with this money. Until I'm done with that I'm screwed. Hhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhh (long sigh, LOL ).

[TragicKingdoms]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Hey guys, thanks so much to all of you for your input . You have given me so much to think about, as you all bring up such valid points.

To Matthew/TragicKingdoms, thanks for sharing and for finding my posts intriguing (despite them being so way out , especially number one). I'm glad to hear that you have been able to let go of your disastrous relationship with your ex-wife and that you are now searching for your "ray of sun" again. So, OK, you decided not to have children, or it just sort of worked out that you didn't have any (either or). But, would you ever have children, if I may ask? You know, if you find your loved one and the situation is right?

Hi StbGuy,

To answer your question about whether or not I would have children (If the situation was right)-- No, I believe I would not. If I did, I would only want one Daughter. Honestly, I do not care for children much and they just make me nervous, generally.

Regards,
Matthew

Originally Posted by TragicKingdoms

Hi StbGuy,

To answer your question about whether or not I would have children (If the situation was right)-- No, I believe I would not. If I did, I would only want one Daughter. Honestly, I do not care for children much and they just make me nervous, generally.

Regards,
Matthew

Yeah, me too, they actually scare the hell out of me. Just more people in my life that I would fail, if they were to become part of it.

[Hellion]

Actually I do not think all females wish to get with someone who would want to have kids some day. I am female and do not want kids since I don't think i could really take care of them since I have enough difficulties functioning as is...also not sure what all the hype about having a normal life is all about, what is so awesome about that.....do the same thing everyone else does just to say 'yay life is normal'. I mean you're focusing a lot on the mainstream of what is 'normal' and seems like you think everyone strives towards that and thus you have no chance of a social life or marrige since you don't fit that mold...but not sure that is so true, since there are plenty of more open minded sort of people, that don't really find the whole prospect of a 'normal' life all that appealing anyways. Also plenty of people have 'normal' lives but are unhappy due to what is missing from it or its all plesantries on the surface but underneath things are much more dysfunctional than they'd seem at first glance.

Also though even if you did have kids there is no 100% guarantee they'd have aspergers...but that sort of thing is up to you not all people want to raise kids for all kinds of reasons.

Originally Posted by Hellion

Actually I do not think all females wish to get with someone who would want to have kids some day. I am female and do not want kids since I don't think i could really take care of them since I have enough difficulties functioning as is...also not sure what all the hype about having a normal life is all about, what is so awesome about that.....do the same thing everyone else does just to say 'yay life is normal'. I mean you're focusing a lot on the mainstream of what is 'normal' and seems like you think everyone strives towards that and thus you have no chance of a social life or marrige since you don't fit that mold...but not sure that is so true, since there are plenty of more open minded sort of people, that don't really find the whole prospect of a 'normal' life all that appealing anyways. Also plenty of people have 'normal' lives but are unhappy due to what is missing from it or its all plesantries on the surface but underneath things are much more dysfunctional than they'd seem at first glance.

Also though even if you did have kids there is no 100% guarantee they'd have aspergers...but that sort of thing is up to you not all people want to raise kids for all kinds of reasons.

You are the first lady I've met that has that opinion . Thing is, I'm NOT searching for a "normal" life. I AM highly unconventional, since I was born, hell, even before that (I was conceived IVF). I am a maverick when it comes to my work, totally not thinking like anyone else, and I never used to be scared of taking any risks if it means I get the result I wanted to obtain. Everyone used to say I was mad or I'll fail and then I prove them wrong. How many times must I still prove them wrong?

It's lately. Everywhere I go, I've got to fit in. I want love in my life - well, it comes with a list of requirements I have to fulfil. I'm just so sick of it all.

Right now in my life - and I am dead serious when I say this - if I could, and had no binding contracts to tie my *** to anything, I would leave everything and go and live on a deserted beach somewhere with not 1 CENT on my name. You have no idea how much I hate this conventional wisdom thinking - eat, sleep, job, wife, house, reproduce, die. I truly hate it because I believe humans can do so much more than that. But, everything has that condition attached, even love.

But, nobody wants to be alone. I have so much love in me that I want to give to someone special, but I've got to provide it in a conventional package for other people to "understand". I've got to "speak" their "language" to get anything right, even if I just want something to eat.

You're ASD, you know what I mean when I say these things, and I know how you feel. We just don't fit, and we don't want to "fit", because "fitting" is not the answer for us.

[unaluna]

You CAN change if you want to. There are parenting classes and books. You can see a therapist. You say you are good at setting goals for yourself and achieving them - i am too, techwise; its harder to do in the "softer" areas of our lives, but thats what ts and lifecoaches and physical trainers are for. Dont let life pass you by.

[Lemongrab]

And, Lemongrab. Your fears and mine are very much the same. At first I would say that I don't like children too, but actually it's not that, it's actually I'm rather scared of them. I am no good with them either . I don't think I've ever held one and I don't think I've ever had one smile at me ever. Have you ever had one of those situations where you're like at a family get together or something and your cousin brings his/her toddler or baby out and everyone's like "Oooh" and "Aaah" and then you just sit there not saying anything? Not because you don't like children, you just don't know what to do or say. And, everyone is playing with the child and the child smiles and laughs (especially babies) and you think to yourself "Please Lord above!! Pleeeaaassse, don't let them come my way, it's going to be so embarrassing!!" and then you look again, they bring the baby to you and you can't make it laugh or smile like everyone else did. It's the worst feeling in the whole world! Your family's looking at you funny, and you think "Oh no, they all think I'm some kind of monster." At that point I feel like disappearing into the ground. Damn, children are so intuitive, LOL! It's almost like they can sense stuff about you.

The worst is when I talk to it like an adult and it just stares at me blankly...along with the rest of the family.

[Andropov]

I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's in my 40s. During my research into this condition, I had the sudden realization that every single male in my family has Aspergers (grandpa, father, brother, myself, and nephews), but the girls does not.

I will not claim that my life was a rose garden, it definitely wasn't. I do, however, believe that if my condition had been diagnosed back in childhood and if I had gotten the help I needed back then, my life would have been much easier. This condition is not the end of the world and we can still shine in our own special ways.

I say have children. If it is a boy, then make sure you have him evaluated and then give him the support he need. As long as he have a support network to help him navigate life he will be fine.