I don’t quite know how to start off this one. Those who've read my posts before know I was (self)-diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or Asperger’s syndrome last year just before I turned 25. Many of you also know about the problems I had with a certain girl I was very in love with at one point and how her rejection affected me.

OK, fast forward now, I am no longer in love with her (in fact I never really think of her anymore at all) and I've always fully accepted having ASD, I actually accepted it from the moment I found out because it made so much sense.

Those who also know me, know that academically, I am rather gifted and I have made it quite far in university, up to doctorate level at the moment.

So, with my mind now more sound and peaceful, and with no feelings of hurt or rejection clouding my mind, I've really sat down and thought about my interactions in the past with classmates, that girl, and just people in general.

I come up with two issues. The first is, I think I've really hurt a lot of people by me being smart. Now, conventional thinking would say that shouldn't be my worry, people should not be affected by gifts that others have, and 90% of the time I would say sure, that makes sense. But, I can't help but think a large part of the reason why I've never really had friends because they just couldn't look past this aspect of me. The problem is, I never showed other dimensions of me either. I hid my private life in class and at university and people only ever really saw the academic side of me, the gifted in the classroom part and never found out who I am when I'm not that person. Now, I didn't hide my private life because I'm too selfish to let people in, I hid it because it's not pretty. To this day, I don't have a happy, fulfilling private life as such, an extra-curricular life as people would put it I guess. I've never really seen the need to go out to parties and so on, or to go out and partake in all sorts of activities. It's a part of life I've never understood, I never did get why people have these two aspects to life – a private life and a work life. For me, my work life continued in private. The only reason I say private life is because it's that part of life at home and it's stuff I don’t want people to see. First of all it's boring to someone else (not to me though) and my working life is more exiting. Secondly, it's embarrassing. My private life contains lots of things that are not pretty and some of the issues with my family life and so on I have discussed on other threads before (my dad's alcoholism, etc.).

All of this only really began making sense after my failed attempt at a relationship with this girl I loved so much and her rejecting me. It was because of that I began asking myself why she would hate me. I'm convinced it is because of me being smart and being closed-off regarding my private life. She was quite shy and although I'm sure she was smart herself, she was one of the average performing students in the class, whilst I was basically collecting A-plusses with every assignment and test I did. Another aspect of our work in our course that we attended was that we did many presentations, basically a power-point assisted oral. I was quite possibly the top guy in the class with it, and my confidence in my work produced immense confidence in presenting my work, so much so that I was often praised very highly by the lecturers and as a bachelor student even attended a conference where there were masters and doctoral students, as well as professors, speaking. This girl on the other hand, whilst being moderately confident in conversation with our classmates, she became extremely shy when having to do these oral presentations, so much so that she would shake in front of the class and read everything off of a piece of paper. I used to feel very badly for her. I often even felt guilty for the ease with which I could handle my presentations and how she struggled.

I've only recently began realizing how much people must have hated me, including her. I was so confident and concentrated so much on performing well and it must have annoyed my classmates, and her, so much. I know one should do all you can to reach your full potential and that you should whole-heartedly go with what you love, but at what cost did I do this? People hate me because I cared so much about my studies.

What I wish I could tell them is that I cared so much about my studies because the rest of my life was a mess, and it’s such a disgusting mess that I didn't want to even show them what it was all about.

The question is, how many of them were actually so put-down by what they saw with me that it made them feel defeated? I can understand now why that girl hates me. It's like an emotional test and grilling to have been with me in the class every time because it's like a constant reminder of the things she felt she may have lacked. I feel so horrible about me being who I am. I killed this poor girl's spirit and probably those of hundreds of other people too. That's not what I wanted, ever. If I had known that my way of living my life was going to hurt so many people, I would've tried to change.

The second issue is, they never saw how I did it. The truth is, they were all smarter than I was all along. I've been thinking back to those days and I realized that I might be retarded. It was this girl in particular one day who told me how hard she had studied for a test we were going to write. It was a small test, we had three short articles we had to study, that was all. She said that she had sat from 8 the evening till 11 pm that evening, and she was proud, and I told her she should be, that was well done. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I had started studying at 8 am that morning till 2 am the following morning for that same test. It also started becoming more and more apparent as I began speaking with other students that studying and assignments which were taking them 2 to 3 hours to complete was taking me a day or maybe even 2 days. I was also taking about twice as long to write an examination. In my first years at university, I rarely finished an examination on time, I always left some questions blank. The scary thing is, if I were able to complete the papers, I would have got full marks, because it happened with a maths paper, I finished it and scored 106% (I had time to do a bonus section too). The only reason I never got full marks was because I never finished. I never realized it, but I was hiding this from people too, and it makes me feel so horrible because I am actually very stupid and slow compared to them (despite IQ of 150+). Yes, my brain is brilliant, but it has to be fed like a person on a drip almost, slowly and drop-wise, so it processes each little piece slowly but accurately. I don’t know if this is part of autism or if I am also retarded on top of being autistic.

All I know is I feel like a horrible monster for what I made others feel. I never wanted that, but, unintentional or not, I did make them feel bad or inferior. I am so sorry and feel so guilty.

I am not sure why I posted this, I just wanted to tell people I guess.

You should never feel that your God given intellect makes people hate you. Be jealous of you perhaps. Or not understand how you can find some things like (I'm guessing) maths and physics so easy. But the crucible of school and college is a long battle of trying to fit in and find yourself, and real life is different in certain key ways. You'll meet lots of other brilliant people. And some not so bright. People older and younger than you. An academic environment is very pure in many ways. I thought I was too smart at school and got bullied, so dumbed down. I regret that. I ended up getting a doctorate too but not being happy in the career I ended up in. The further I got from college and the older I became, the easier it got. The fact that you're showing care and consideration for your impact on others shows empathy. You're a good person. And a bright one. Love yourself for who you are.

Thank you so much Little Cat, that really means a lot to me!

I want to use my talent to serve the world in some way and I am planning to do so. Maybe in that way I can "pay back" for what I possibly took from others, I don't know. Maybe I can never pay it back.

You're welcome, STBGuy!

Don't forget though, that life isn't just a tally of making up for the **** you think you've done. It's all a journey, and part of learning about ourselves and life. I am 48. There are a lot of things I wish I'd done but I know that there are still good things I can do, even if it's just posting stuff on here to a stranger I'll never meet. Hang in there! Give yourself time and space to find the right thing and meet the right people. It's not a race. Chill!

[mixtape02]

Maybe you're problem is focusing on not appearing "retarded" as you put it, when you're obviously not. There are autistic people of a lower IQ number and you're pointing out that you don't want to be like them, yet inventing reasons you're better than average performing students. Did they actually say you have offended them by performing better or appearing to be smarter than them?

[muffinhead]

Stbguy I can somewhat relate to what you're saying. I've never been outright standoffish (as far as I can tell), but I have had my regrets of what I have done to those around me in the past. There was a girl who liked me, and I pushed her away due to my Aspie behavior: I've been kicking myself for rejecting her ever since.

Originally Posted by mixtape02

Maybe you're problem is focusing on not appearing "retarded" as you put it, when you're obviously not. There are autistic people of a lower IQ number and you're pointing out that you don't want to be like them, yet inventing reasons you're better than average performing students. Did they actually say you have offended them by performing better or appearing to be smarter than them?

It's not so much what the people say, it's what they don't say. I was shown in subtle ways that I was not welcome in their circles. They would ask me things about the work and I was more like a teaching figure. On a personal level, my peers and I never bonded. I became what you could say is a "go to guy" for homework problems, etc. but not a friend as such.

OK, no, the thing is, OK, I did perform better than the other students, but I did not view myself as better than them. I think they did. I tried to be as approachable as possible, but it clearly did not work for them still.

Originally Posted by muffinhead

Stbguy I can somewhat relate to what you're saying. I've never been outright standoffish (as far as I can tell), but I have had my regrets of what I have done to those around me in the past. There was a girl who liked me, and I pushed her away due to my Aspie behavior: I've been kicking myself for rejecting her ever since.

I think I've encountered the same scenario. The girl I speak of, I think she might have really liked me, and as you say, the autistic/Asperger's behaviour made it seem like I had rejected her, but I really didn't want to, I liked her too, in fact, I loved her. I think I may have really hurt her, even though unintentionally. I guess I deserve the treatment I get from her now. I really couldn't see that she was interested in me, it didn't even register with me at the time. A steep learning curve over the last few years has enlightened me, and now if I look back, she was definitely showing "signals", but a lot more subtle than other girls would. Thinking back though, this makes sense, for a shy girl, this would be spot on, she would not show signs as intensely as a more confident girl would. It's all starting to make a lot more sense to me now. But, I still am extremely frustrated at my condition in that I have to sit and analyse and work everything out in hindsight once the person exits my life. The whole thing feels like a police investigation.

Because of the household I grew up in, because of the torment I went through at school, and the constant character breakdown, I really didn't believe that anyone would ever feel anything for me. I solidly believed that nobody could ever love me. So, naturally, when she tried to gain my attention it took no hold in me whatsoever, seeing as I believed I was unlovable. The autism further sealed my fate in not being able to see it.

[-jimi-]

I never hated anyone in my class if they were brilliant. I did not hate those who took themselves very seriously, even if I didn't have that attitude towards myself. Maybe your actions had less impact on people than you think?

What I can relate to is being "smart" but still needing time with school. Less clever students got better grades. I think because they could structure what they read easier while I needed all the pieces before my mind could start the puzzle. It is just two different ways of learning. None is inferior. But at that time I wondered why I didn't have better grades. I knew I should have had.

About lost love, sad I know, but it is part of life. Maybe both of you were not able to really meet at this point in life. It hurts but similar things happen to all people almost.

No one goes through life without bruises.

That does not mean we should think back on every occasion where we possibly hurt someone unintentionally, there is no way of knowing their reaction. Learn, move on. Forgive yourself.

Originally Posted by -jimi-

I never hated anyone in my class if they were brilliant. I did not hate those who took themselves very seriously, even if I didn't have that attitude towards myself. Maybe your actions had less impact on people than you think?

What I can relate to is being "smart" but still needing time with school. Less clever students got better grades. I think because they could structure what they read easier while I needed all the pieces before my mind could start the puzzle. It is just two different ways of learning. None is inferior. But at that time I wondered why I didn't have better grades. I knew I should have had.

About lost love, sad I know, but it is part of life. Maybe both of you were not able to really meet at this point in life. It hurts but similar things happen to all people almost.

No one goes through life without bruises.

That does not mean we should think back on every occasion where we possibly hurt someone unintentionally, there is no way of knowing their reaction. Learn, move on. Forgive yourself.

Yes, you're definitely right, I think the key thing is for me to identify these cases in the future before they go wrong, and then prevent myself from making the same mistakes again. Just sometimes wish I could have a second chance at something though, not to just necessarily move on with something/someone new.

You seem arrogant.

You need to work on humility.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

You seem arrogant.

You need to work on humility.

Yes, probably. I think the different experiences I had has damaged me to such an extent that I cling to things I feel I can do right, just because I've failed at everything else.

I can't seem to work out if my dad is narcissistic or not, but when I was young, I felt pretty useless and inferior, and his friends reinforced that in me by constantly reminding me (they were all drunk 95% of the time). Everything I've learnt I've basically had to teach myself or learn the hard way. People had no problem showing me the hard way either, while they triumph at how easy life was for them, and point out how much of an idiot I am.

I used to feel constantly humiliated as a child, rejected, so I distanced myself from other children over time and I've created a life per my own definitions on my own terms and I did not include them or anyone else in it. I am truly sorry if that did create a perception of arrogance in others. But, that's me, I don't ask anything from anyone anymore, because I used to get humiliation and betrayal every time. I trust only me now.

The one person whom I especially ask nothing from is my dad, I remember as a boy asking him for help with things and his subsequent disgusting remarks and utter disdain at the apparent "effort" involved, and the inconvenience my request was causing him. I was about 10 at the time. From that day I vowed never to ask him anything in my life ever again. With other people I had similar experiences, I was always an "inconvenience" to everyone, so I decided I was not going to be one anymore, and did everything I could do on my own, on my own since then.

[daynrand]

Wow. What you wrote struck me so deeply. I know what you mean and I know how you feel. As a person who grew up truly believing I was just a little bit dumber than anyone else in my "brilliant" family, and only finding out late in adulthood that my problems weren't necessarily stupidity, but simply different brain wiring, your thoughts on how you feel your success in class might have been perceived by others is profound to me. I honestly don't know quite what I feel about it yet, but it gives me much food for thought.

The children I grew up with from ages 6 to almost 12 never seemed to judge me too badly one way or the other, at least to my memory. (That is, the children I went to school with. At home was a different story.) But we moved across the country just before I turned 12. There I met a new group of kids, and it was horrible. There were a few quite popular bullies (they bullied any- and everybody, not only me), and it was quite unpopular to be "smart" in school for some reason. Bright kids were routinely ostracized and... well, bullied, that's all. I remember trying to be friendly with the main girl and having her shout out to the rest of the crowd, "Listen to her talk! Who uses words like that? Who do you think you are, anyway, the dictionary-writer?" I had no idea I was using "big words" or whatever, but apparently the way I'd been used to speaking was foreign to her and boy, howdy, she did not like it. I learned that lesson quickly, at least, even if I was socially-inept in most other areas. You couldn't get me to use words with more than 2 syllables after that to save my life. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy to deal with the acne and frizzy hair I developed, so I was still bullied mercilessly for that, along with being clouded with ADHD & Asperger's.

Ya know, I guess if you're really brilliant and good at what you do in school, there will always be others who will feel intimidated by that. Should you stop working & studying as diligently as possible, and dumb yourself down to make others feel better about themselves? I mean, did you actually do so well in class in order to make those people feel badly? Umm... I don't think so. You have an area in life where you excel. On the other hand, perhaps unbeknownst to them, you need to work harder at it behind the scenes? So what? That is a talent, too. To be able to apply yourself, to recognize that you require longer study and work time, and then to do it? What is wrong with that?

I don't see you as arrogant. I saw great humility in what you wrote, as well as much pain for fear of having caused others pain. I get that. I don't say I fully understand it, but I get it about how you feel. I get the confusion and angst. Don't give up. We're all in this together. We'll try to help you figure it out, and if we all can't completely figure it out, at least we'll still be here together trying.

Originally Posted by daynrand

Wow. What you wrote struck me so deeply. I know what you mean and I know how you feel. As a person who grew up truly believing I was just a little bit dumber than anyone else in my "brilliant" family, and only finding out late in adulthood that my problems weren't necessarily stupidity, but simply different brain wiring, your thoughts on how you feel your success in class might have been perceived by others is profound to me. I honestly don't know quite what I feel about it yet, but it gives me much food for thought.

The children I grew up with from ages 6 to almost 12 never seemed to judge me too badly one way or the other, at least to my memory. (That is, the children I went to school with. At home was a different story.) But we moved across the country just before I turned 12. There I met a new group of kids, and it was horrible. There were a few quite popular bullies (they bullied any- and everybody, not only me), and it was quite unpopular to be "smart" in school for some reason. Bright kids were routinely ostracized and... well, bullied, that's all. I remember trying to be friendly with the main girl and having her shout out to the rest of the crowd, "Listen to her talk! Who uses words like that? Who do you think you are, anyway, the dictionary-writer?" I had no idea I was using "big words" or whatever, but apparently the way I'd been used to speaking was foreign to her and boy, howdy, she did not like it. I learned that lesson quickly, at least, even if I was socially-inept in most other areas. You couldn't get me to use words with more than 2 syllables after that to save my life. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy to deal with the acne and frizzy hair I developed, so I was still bullied mercilessly for that, along with being clouded with ADHD & Asperger's.

Ya know, I guess if you're really brilliant and good at what you do in school, there will always be others who will feel intimidated by that. Should you stop working & studying as diligently as possible, and dumb yourself down to make others feel better about themselves? I mean, did you actually do so well in class in order to make those people feel badly? Umm... I don't think so. You have an area in life where you excel. On the other hand, perhaps unbeknownst to them, you need to work harder at it behind the scenes? So what? That is a talent, too. To be able to apply yourself, to recognize that you require longer study and work time, and then to do it? What is wrong with that?

I don't see you as arrogant. I saw great humility in what you wrote, as well as much pain for fear of having caused others pain. I get that. I don't say I fully understand it, but I get it about how you feel. I get the confusion and angst. Don't give up. We're all in this together. We'll try to help you figure it out, and if we all can't completely figure it out, at least we'll still be here together trying.

Thank you daynrand! Your posts are extremely uplifting and comforting.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Unless you do something really bad it is quite hard to ruin someone's life. I suspect that you in fact never do anything bad on purpose.

As I see it (and I may be horribly wrong) we all have options in how we deal with others who impinge on our well being - we can walk away, we can collude in unhelpful behaviour, we can act with kindness and curiosity - how others react is not entirely up to you.

I don't think you are arrogant, but I suspect you might have less self-awareness than others which is no doubt part of your condition so not exactly your fault. In any case you are clearly working on it which is highly creditable.

Empathy can be learned and practiced. I have a son on the spectrum.

And if you are self-diagnosed, would it be beneficial to ask a doctor or therapist?

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

Empathy can be learned and practiced.

But I do feel empathy, very much. More than anyone could ever imagine.

It is a common misconception that people on the spectrum have no empathy, not true. In fact, it is way more intense than neurotypical, you have to be thankful the person is on the spectrum because the expression of those feelings would be too intense for daily interaction with people.

I carry the weight of the world, and people's problems on my shoulders, I feel everything intensely. Even the slightest rejection or indifference feels like a stake being driven through my heart. I am amazed and fascinated by people, and will adopt any problems they have as my own, and attempt to solve it as my own.

Autistic people are empaths. People cannot imagine this because of the lack of expression we have.

Just because it cannot be detected by people, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Just because you cannot see something, doesn't mean it is not there.

People who have allowed me into their lives a little bit in real life, have discovered the degree to which I care about them and try to solve their problems with them. They see a new side of me and they are blown away because they never thought it could ever be like that.

Nothing is ever what it seems. Autism is merely the inability to communicate empathy, not a lack thereof, and as I mentioned, it's a blessing because the emotions are so strong expressing them would be a very intense and scary thing.

If you really think about it, there must be a reason why a condition would be created in which the human being cannot express his/her empathy for another, there must be a reason for that. It must mean that it is important for that empathy to remain hidden at all costs. Why would that be?

It is because the autistic person has been sent to fulfill something on earth. They were sent for a reason. The expression of the empathy they feel would interfere with that, hence the reason it is taken away. Nothing is designed with an error in mind, everything is created the way it is for a purpose. It is because we were sent here to help people think "out of the box", and to lead by example with our lives. That requires "out of the box" expression. We were not sent here to express in the usual manner, because those messages would not take hold in people in the right way. We express by demonstration.

So, in terms of feeling empathy, oh yes I feel it, I feel it very much, more than anyone will ever know.

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

And if you are self-diagnosed, would it be beneficial to ask a doctor or therapist?

I am co-diagnosed, I should rather have said. A therapist and I sat over the information I provided and together we determined I was on the spectrum.

He also suggested ADHD, but the life experiences did not match those criteria.

[daynrand]

Could it be both, StbGuy? I've had the ADHD diagnosis for years, but the AS only recently. I have no doubt there was plenty of the ADHD going on, but it's the AS that really defined me, IMHO.

Originally Posted by daynrand

Could it be both, StbGuy? I've had the ADHD diagnosis for years, but the AS only recently. I have no doubt there was plenty of the ADHD going on, but it's the AS that really defined me, IMHO.

Mmm...I don't know, it's a tough call. Someone once suggested that the hyperfocus I experience sometimes could be an indication of it. I do experience restlessness lately and I did lack focus in classes.

[vek84]

You remind me of my husband. You have a good heart. You probably aren't hated, but people want to love you and be loved by you and wonder if that's the case. <3

Originally Posted by vek84

You remind me of my husband. You have a good heart. You probably aren't hated, but people want to love you and be loved by you and wonder if that's the case. <3

Thank you so much for your kind words! People really do? I wish I could show them it's OK to do so, they needn't be scared.

This condition is horrible, I can't even show them that. I don't know how.

[Anonymous37919]

Bud, you've always giving me super support during my ordeal. Maybe you should be a support worker, since those other people in my life were proven scum buckets.

Well, I spent 100 days and a lot more imprisoned for just wanting my workers back and I regret fallen out with Joanna and Sara, as well as all the other workers there. It really is 100 days if you counted my time in jail last year which coupled with the 89 or so days in jail this year, counts as a sentence in itself, even if yes, I was only "remanded" in custody prior to being in court. Hell, it all darn well counts as time served no matter how it is.

29 July - 12 August, Saughton. 2014.
2 September - 19 September, Saughton. 2014.
22 May - 5 June, Saughton. 2015.
5 June - 18 August, Barlinnie. 2015.

Originally Posted by Peter A

Bud, you've always giving me super support during my ordeal. Maybe you should be a support worker, since those other people in my life were proven scum buckets.

Thanks buddy! You're very kind, that actually means a lot to me at this moment in time. I'm trying to remind myself of who I am at the moment, I'm kinda lost and numb and not feeling much, don't have much direction. Thanks bro!

Originally Posted by Peter A

Well, I spent 100 days and a lot more imprisoned for just wanting my workers back and I regret fallen out with Joanna and Sara, as well as all the other workers there. It really is 100 days if you counted my time in jail last year which coupled with the 89 or so days in jail this year, counts as a sentence in itself, even if yes, I was only "remanded" in custody prior to being in court. Hell, it all darn well counts as time served no matter how it is.

29 July - 12 August, Saughton. 2014.
2 September - 19 September, Saughton. 2014.
22 May - 5 June, Saughton. 2015.
5 June - 18 August, Barlinnie. 2015.

Ah man, I'm sorry about that. If it means anything, at least it's "spent" and not still "going to spend", what I mean is, at least it's done. I sometimes feel like I've been a prisoner in my own mind and life for the last year and a half, seeing as I have been totally unproductive in any sense of the word. My life has been pretty much in standstill mode. I got shafted out of quite a bit of money too, but that's another story. But, I can feel things are changing, and I feel like I'm finally "out" and just need someone or something to point my nose in the right direction. I think that's what we both need, just some kind of plan for life. I feel like I might have that, so I'm kind of excited and hoping things are going to work out for me. I hope they do for you too buddy!

[cakeladie]

Hi you are about the same age has my son and he has autism, mild retardation , auditory processing disorder and OCD.

He works and has friends. He tried to go on to college but it was just to much for him. But he is special in his own way and is kind and sweet and try's to help everyone.

I guess my point is you seem like a good kid (sorry have to call you that since your the same age of my son . Never let anyone ever put you down and never doubt yourself. Your smart good for you and good for all you have accomplished.