Hi all

I don't quite know what to do anymore. I'm getting rejected by all the people I meet. Whether it is women, men, it just doesn't matter. It used to be a girl problem, now it's a general problem. I approach people in a very friendly manner, even in a bar where the liquor is flowing and people are less "on guard", introduce myself, and just get stares and awkward hellos in return, and subtle motioning to go away and leave them alone. I don't know how much more of this I'll be able to take before totally giving up.

Can it be that people already can tell, just by meeting me, that there's something "off" about me? Seems so unreal, they must really have an extra sense then that I don't. How do normal people immediately pick up I have ASD just by me saying hello? How on earth then can I ever get past the meeting phase to friendship, if I'm already rejected right in the beginning? This is all so disheartening.

Thanks for listening guys.

[CANDC]

Hi Stbguy,
I always have found the people in bars were not the ones who were filled with empathy and embraced me with open arms.
I go to support groups about my illness and here online at Psych Central and I meet people that are very open and caring.

I would not stop trying, but I think you are too sensitive a person to judge yourself by how people at bars receive you. They are all putting on the dog pretending to be friendly but only to those who know the unwritten rules of the game. I was never good at that.

Following my inner drive to be creative, to exercise and be limber with yoga, to share music and to help people here on Psych Central have all been beneficial and indirectly brought me more in contact with people who do empathize.

Thanks CANDC

It's my own fault, because I was under the impression a bar is a more social place and people, having drank a little, would be more "chilled" or relaxed and open to social things like meeting new people. Outside the bar in the general public, people seem so stiff and unapproachable in general, so I thought I'd go somewhere where people went to socialize. It turns out once in there, they really only stick to the group that they went into the place with.

All that happens is I end up a little drunk myself because I have to buy drinks to be able to sit in the place.

Damn man. It sucks that people are so cruel in this messed up world. It seems like most people don't give a damn about anybody else outside of their inner circle unless they benefit them somehow. Seek out those outside of the norm of society.

Do what I do: don't even bother with bars or other public places and instead meet people via gatherings and meetups with people who have similar interests as yourself. Seek out people who are more open minded and possibly introverted. Look for public listings on the internet or find a friend meetup site or website dedicated to people with similar hobbies as yourself.

While I don't have Autism myself, I'm an introvert who has trouble starting small talk with people and I am uncomfortable with approaching random strangers, so I know this feeling all too well.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I think you're right DIMF, if I'm going to make meaningful friendships I'm better off finding people whom I relate to more easily.

It's just so discouraging, all this negative feedback I get from people. Even colleagues, who one would think would relate a little more easily to me.

But, I don't want to stop trying though, I know it can't be possible that 100% of people would reject me.

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thanks for the encouragement.

I think you're right DIMF, if I'm going to make meaningful friendships I'm better off finding people whom I relate to more easily.

It's just so discouraging, all this negative feedback I get from people. Even colleagues, who one would think would relate a little more easily to me.

But, I don't want to stop trying though, I know it can't be possible that 100% of people would reject me.

They reject you because you're too good for them. Most people have low IQs which makes them more prone to outcast those who may be different than them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being different than the norm of society.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

They reject you because you're too good for them.

But, that's the thing. I really don't want people to think of me like that, because I'm definitely not! There are so many things they are good at which I am totally rubbish at, and I mean really trivial and simple stuff. And, I know that, and I accept that - everyone is who they are and that's OK. All this perception is just ruining everything, because it's not true.

It really becomes so bad that I wish I weren't me anymore. I wish I could hand my personality and who I am in for exchange with another person all together. If being who I am comes at such a cost of happiness, then I have failed at being a human being and living life, and then I might as well not exist in my current form, if it is causing me nothing but distress and rejection. What is the point of being someone who nobody wishes existed?

Originally Posted by StbGuy

But, that's the thing. I really don't want people to think of me like that, because I'm definitely not! There are so many things they are good at which I am totally rubbish at, and I mean really trivial and simple stuff. And, I know that, and I accept that - everyone is who they are and that's OK. All this perception is just ruining everything, because it's not true.

It really becomes so bad that I wish I weren't me anymore. I wish I could hand my personality and who I am in for exchange with another person all together. If being who I am comes at such a cost of happiness, then I have failed at being a human being and living life, and then I might as well not exist in my current form, if it is causing me nothing but distress and rejection. What is the point of being someone who nobody wishes existed?

Sometimes, a healthy ego is a good thing. Being a bit egotistical and prideful at times can save one from a great deal of needless suffering. As long as you don't let it overtake who you are and learn when to humble yourself and when not to, I see the ego as a potentially powerful tool to get one ahead in life.

With that being said, I'm willing to bet that you have a genius IQ, yes? I remember you claiming that you had a high IQ and were doing well in school in one of your earlier posts. That alone is something that less than 2% of humanity possesses. You are a special unique individual.

Life can get lonely for people with higher intelligence levels. I know from experience because I have a high IQ myself and I'm a self taught computer programmer and penetration tester (computer hacker basically) so that should tell you how nerdy that I am

From my experience, it's much better to seek out a small tight knit group of friends that you can rely on and be yourself around no matter what without fearing judgement versus a large amount of people that you barely know who you have to put on a front or be somebody that you're not around.

Never settle for less. Seek out quality people in your life who love you and accept you unconditionally. These types of people are around they are just rare but can be found if you utilize the suggestion that I posted above.

Finally, if you seek to be liked by a lot of people, you have the power to do just that! Use your high IQ to make something of yourself that people will idealize for centuries to come! Be the next Bill Gates. Invent the next cure for a disease. Write an app that becomes famous. You have the intelligence to do these things and many more!

Play to your strengths and you will do well in life. Besides,who wouldn't want to have a fan base of people who admire you from a distance, a solid tight knit collective of friends who treat you as family, to change the world for the better, and to eventually become immortalized in history books? I sure would!

I completely agree with the above posts. Friendship is about quality not quantity. And TBH trying to be sociable in a bar can give the impression you just want to hook up rather than have an intelligent conversation. Is there a site called MeetUp in SA? That's what I use. Then you meet people who like the same stuff as you. And not socialising with people you work with isn't always a bad thing, in case you fall out or something happens. I've seen plenty of awkward situations like that, and the relationship is never the same. And have you read any books about relationships? They're quite helpful. Good luck!

A "penetration tester", LOL

Thanks guys, what you say really makes sense. I get too overwhelmed with all this rejection and I don't see what I ought to see. It becomes so hard to focus on anything else when there is a glaring problem like a red flashing light on a car dashboard. But, you guys are right, I do have the ability to do all that. I wish I could find it easier to look past all these bad experiences and more quickly too, because all it does is hold me back.

Oh yeah, and I am thinking of the next "Bill Gates" thing, OK, not in computers but in another field. I was really shy as a kid, but something in me is making me feel I wish to be someone well-known one day, someone who made some really amazing contribution to the world.

I think all of this stems from childhood self-esteem degradation I experienced at home and at school. I think I have some really deep-seated issues with people in general, and maybe I shouldn't deal with them directly, but in an indirect manner by doing something which might benefit people one day, and in doing so win "fans".

It's true what you say DIMF, I was reading another post of yours and it's like you say, I know a random sphere of people and then people whom I do "business" with (which would be my colleagues in my case). I can really draw a parallel between your social life and mine. There is a pervasive lack of intimate relationships as such in my life.

I know people at shops, shop owners where I buy things and people in general. Then there are my colleagues where we discuss work-related issues and we exchange information.

It is just sad to me that I'll never mean more to someone than either a regular customer (or regular face that occurs on a regular place where they are) or a person whose brain people can pick for solutions to problems, or someone who solved a problem. The whole other spectrum of relationships will probably remain closed to me for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Originally Posted by StbGuy

A "penetration tester", LOL

Thanks guys, what you say really makes sense. I get too overwhelmed with all this rejection and I don't see what I ought to see. It becomes so hard to focus on anything else when there is a glaring problem like a red flashing light on a car dashboard. But, you guys are right, I do have the ability to do all that. I wish I could find it easier to look past all these bad experiences and more quickly too, because all it does is hold me back.

Oh yeah, and I am thinking of the next "Bill Gates" thing, OK, not in computers but in another field. I was really shy as a kid, but something in me is making me feel I wish to be someone well-known one day, someone who made some really amazing contribution to the world.

I think all of this stems from childhood self-esteem degradation I experienced at home and at school. I think I have some really deep-seated issues with people in general, and maybe I shouldn't deal with them directly, but in an indirect manner by doing something which might benefit people one day, and in doing so win "fans".

It's true what you say DIMF, I was reading another post of yours and it's like you say, I know a random sphere of people and then people whom I do "business" with (which would be my colleagues in my case). I can really draw a parallel between your social life and mine. There is a pervasive lack of intimate relationships as such in my life.

I know people at shops, shop owners where I buy things and people in general. Then there are my colleagues where we discuss work-related issues and we exchange information.

It is just sad to me that I'll never mean more to someone than either a regular customer (or regular face that occurs on a regular place where they are) or a person whose brain people can pick for solutions to problems, or someone who solved a problem. The whole other spectrum of relationships will probably remain closed to me for the rest of my life. Oh well.

We're similar in more ways than one would think. I'm also a INTJ personality type as well if that means much

Life is lonely for me as well. I have a lack of intimate relationships as well and I've never had anybody show me any genuine love. I mean, the longest relationship that I've ever been in lasted a few days over 3 months so that should tell you something.

While my social issues may be different, we both seem to have them to some extent.

People like us can only really seek true affection and acceptance from people like us. Find people who share your interests, mindset, and hobbies and you will eventually find people who care about you.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

People like us can only really seek true affection and acceptance from people like us. Find people who share your interests, mindset, and hobbies and you will eventually find people who care about you.

Yes, I think you are spot-on there. It's hard though. In my country too, there are firstly language and cultural barriers to cross too before even getting into the same interests category. We have a very diverse country of people. And, then there is also just not the same amount of awareness here as you would have in the rest of the world. People here don't know about different personalities and why people do what they do, most don't even know what autism is. So, it becomes really easy to say "Oh that guy's just full of BS, avoid him."

A thing I often hear people say in my country is "That person has issues." Nobody ever elaborates on their assessment/judgement and nobody bothers to find out what and why.

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Yes, I think you are spot-on there. It's hard though. In my country too, there are firstly language and cultural barriers to cross too before even getting into the same interests category. We have a very diverse country of people. And, then there is also just not the same amount of awareness here as you would have in the rest of the world. People here don't know about different personalities and why people do what they do, most don't even know what autism is. So, it becomes really easy to say "Oh that guy's just full of BS, avoid him."

A thing I often hear people say in my country is "That person has issues." Nobody ever elaborates on their assessment/judgement and nobody bothers to find out what and why.

What a shame Surely not everybody in the Country that you live in is like that?

If it makes you feel any better, if I lived near you, I would totally hang out with you

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

What a shame Surely not everybody in the Country that you live in is like that?

If it makes you feel any better, if I lived near you, I would totally hang out with you

Thanks, you are very kind! I'd like that very much, I think there is a lot we could share. I have utmost respect for people who can master computer programming, I've only ever done Visual Basic, the key word being basic, LOL

Originally Posted by Little Cat

I completely agree with the above posts. Friendship is about quality not quantity. And TBH trying to be sociable in a bar can give the impression you just want to hook up rather than have an intelligent conversation. Is there a site called MeetUp in SA? That's what I use. Then you meet people who like the same stuff as you. And not socialising with people you work with isn't always a bad thing, in case you fall out or something happens. I've seen plenty of awkward situations like that, and the relationship is never the same. And have you read any books about relationships? They're quite helpful. Good luck!

I'm going to check it out. Thanks

[Anonymous37919]

I don't know where to meet compatible single women at all and I think a lot of them would not find me attractive either. Plus, I don't even really like clubbing and sitting in pubs, which tends to be the norm for pretty much every student, party goer and general moron today.

I'm just me. I'm happy (but not really that happy). There are things that I enjoy by myself, like independently, but the loneliness is a bit drawn out now.

Originally Posted by Peter A

There are things that I enjoy by myself, like independently

I don't even have that anymore.

Originally Posted by Peter A

I don't know where to meet compatible single women at all and I think a lot of them would not find me attractive either. Plus, I don't even really like clubbing and sitting in pubs, which tends to be the norm for pretty much every student, party goer and general moron today.

I'm just me. I'm happy (but not really that happy). There are things that I enjoy by myself, like independently, but the loneliness is a bit drawn out now.

Same here. Being allowed my space to think or do whatever I want by myself would be a requirement for a long term relationship for me, otherwise, I would go crazy and push her away.

[Anonymous37919]

Christ. All the shite in my life made me almost want to become a hermit. If you do not know what that is, it is basically when a person shuns the outside world and prefers to be alone. Hell, sometimes I wish now I'd never even met certain people.

Although I'm a nice laid back guy, I don't know what to do in a social setting. I may not fair too badly one to one, but in groups, I just get way too anxious.

Let's see. In the past several years alone, I lost my flat, I lost Laura, I lost loads of money, I lost my support service, I lost the right to contact Sara and Joanna, I lost my liberty, my pet budgie passed away and I've just generally had a rough time of things. Every year in the 2000s very much sucked, and every year so far in the 2010s has been crap as well.

No wonder we get depressed.

[retiredlibrarian]

If it makes you feel any better, if I lived near you, I would totally hang out with you

Not that it would be that encouraging to you, but I can second that. (I don't know how much you'd like having an old codger hanging around, though.)

[daynrand]

StbGuy ~ I'm coming back to your original title: "How do I look past continuous rejection and keep trying?"

I guarantee you that nobody ~ not one single person ~ you're just meeting out there for the first time has a clue of a "sense", whether extra, spare or otherwise out there, about you! If you go up to somebody with a smile and an outheld hand & they reject you before they even have a chance to know you, it's they who are abnormal, not you! You've got a wrong outlook on it from the beginning.

Why do you assume that all these people are "normal" anyway? No, maybe there aren't that many people like us, but still they all have their own problems and that includes of the mental variety. This may sound judgmental, and I am an "old" Nana after all, but young man, I guess I've earned the years to say from experience that you're simply hanging out at the wrong places for meeting the right kind of people. It may be as simple as that. DarknessIsMyFriend was right when he wrote "It sucks that people are so cruel in this messed up world." But the fact is, they are. Not all of them, but too many.

As a young person with undiagnosed ADHD, Asperger's, depression and PTSD to boot, I went around thinking everybody else had it all together and the way they treated me reflected reality. Now I know better. I acted weird because I was messed up and I was messed up because I had these "things" going on & had been abused my entire life, which led to thinking I was even more weird and acting more weird and more abuse and cruelty and on went the wretched circle. At some point is really is up to us to say "enough". You don't have to accept their opinion of you as reality, and for that matter, you don't need those kinds of people in your life anyway!

I agree with other answers you've received here. Like about the bars. I think there are probably a majority of folks going there to escape their own pain and it's not going to fundamentally be a place to find healthy support anyway.I hope you'll get and take some good advice for finding better places to find companionship.

But no matter what, it breaks my heart to see you write things about yourself the way you have. I, too, would gladly hang out with you anytime (although like retiredlibrarian, I'm pretty old, but I do have many young friends whom I know would love to meet you!) I hope it might help a bit to hear that I have been where you are in life, and know, know, know that you are worth knowing, worth liking, worth loving and worth having for a friend!

Please hang in there, keep seeking with hope, keep knowing there are good people out there for you to know. It really isn't as hard as finding a needle in a haystack at all. It's more like finding other rocks that match up with you, but you've been looking in a haystack for them. You need to go look in the rock quarry instead, that's all. (I know, kind of a lame analogy, but it's all that came to mind at the moment.)

God bless your day, my dear one.

Originally Posted by retiredlibrarian

Not that it would be that encouraging to you, but I can second that.

That'd be totally great!

Originally Posted by retiredlibrarian

I don't know how much you'd like having an old codger hanging around, though.

There's no problem with that. I really don't see things like that. Some of the people I was closest with in my life were the older professors at university. I like listening and learning. I really struggle with people my own age.

as a girl i can say that there is a sort of automatic creep factor when anyone talks to me in a bar. and i tend to attract people with all sorts of disorders... aspergers can definitely heighten the creep factor, not because those with aspergers are creepier, they just are awkward. i used to hang out with whomever and not worry about how creepy they seemed... but i got myself into enough trouble that way. also, desperation is not attractive. i dont mean that as an insult, i am just trying to shed light on why it happens that way in bars.

Hi daynrand, thank you so much for your uplifting and kind words!

I am at a loss for words, I don't know what to say.

I guess why I call these people "normal" is because they seem to be the norm, the greatest occurrence, if that makes sense, or at least the most regular or frequent form I encounter.

I'm so sorry you also had to suffer all those different conditions as a young person.

[Anonymous37919]

You've always been cool with me. If you're as great in real-life as you are on these forums, then I see no reason why people reject you. It's them that have the flaws, not you.

Remember that!