Tonight I said to my Mom, "You probably dread me." I said to my Mom, "You don't want..." for a second I saw her nod slightly. Then, I finished by saying that they did not want me. When I said this, she was annoyed at me for saying that. She also seemed to act as if this was a ridiculous/troublemaking question. Then, they basically said that they were frustrated with me for being "frozen in time". They said if things stayed the way they were that would just be the way it is and they would just have to live with that, but that it would want things to improve. Then I said that she regretted having me, because of me being more difficult than usual because of my problems. She said, "I don't wallow in things like that." and said that "everyone has value". However, I could tell I was right on the money there. So, I said, "The thought didn't cross your mind at some point." She then just said, "Not really." After a bit, she said, "Your starting to feel sorry for yourself again." When I said that I was upset with her saying that she said, "Your starting to ruminate again." Then, she said, "What difference does it make what I thought 20 years ago. What bearing does that have on now." Basically, I just learned that regret surrounds my very existence They didn't say it straight out, but I kind of read between the lines on it. Well, if that's the case, then I don't know. It's definitely one of those things that's good to know.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Steve223

Tonight I said to my Mom, "You probably dread me." I said to my Mom, "You don't want..." for a second I saw her nod slightly. Then, I finished by saying that they did not want me. When I said this, she was annoyed at me for saying that. She also seemed to act as if this was a ridiculous/troublemaking question. Then, they basically said that they were frustrated with me for being "frozen in time". They said if things stayed the way they were that would just be the way it is and they would just have to live with that, but that it would want things to improve. Then I said that she regretted having me, because of me being more difficult than usual because of my problems. She said, "I don't wallow in things like that." and said that "everyone has value". However, I could tell I was right on the money there. So, I said, "The thought didn't cross your mind at some point." She then just said, "Not really." After a bit, she said, "Your starting to feel sorry for yourself again." When I said that I was upset with her saying that she said, "Your starting to ruminate again." Then, she said, "What difference does it make what I thought 20 years ago. What bearing does that have on now." Basically, I just learned that regret surrounds my very existence They didn't say it straight out, but I kind of read between the lines on it. Well, if that's the case, then I don't know. It's definitely one of those things that's good to know.

Oh my God, that breaks my heart!! I could NEVER speak to my children like that! I hate this for you! Bless your heart. I, for one, am GLAD she had you. Because you're here now, with all of us at PC. And you'll be loved and accepted here! If you ever want to talk, and have someone listen, I'm here for you!

It just kind of clicked with me, but the "fakeness" of them being loving towards me was such an elaborate effort/them convincing themselves that it nearly appeared as if it was real! They spent all this time helping me study, even offering to take classes with me in college to help me out, letting me live with them when I suffered majorly with depression and other stuff, offering to come to live with me in college when I got real bad, and a whole assortment of things. However, there was always a small part of me that had my suspicions. Then, when I addressed those suspicions, it turned out they were more then just suspicions, they were obvious facts! She didn't come right out and say that she did in fact never want me, but saying, "what difference does it make" basically is admitting it without exactly admitting it.

I don't know if it's quite the same thing, but often I also question whether my parents should have had me or not, and why I am actually here in the first place.

My parents couldn't conceive, they hate each other, and should never have been married. My mom conceived me by IVF, and I often feel like they just had me in order to say they had a child, especially my dad, he is the kind of person who would do that.

My entire life has been a sense of being the "fifth wheel" if you know what I mean. I feel isolated and never ever part of any kind of group, like some kind of loner or renegade, wandering the earth and never finding a place to call "home". I feel constantly like I should never have been born, like it was some kind of mistake.

Wow, but your mom actually saying that, I'm so sorry.

[vonmoxie]

Not sure that it's of any consolation, but I think most parents think this at some point, whether or not they ever say it out loud. Personally I wonder why mine had me at all, since their marriage was already on the rocks by the time they did, and got no better after that. As I was planned, I suppose I was meant to be what tied them back together.. if so I was certainly not up to the job.

Ultimately I think we're all of us only here out of some strange degree of chance and serendipity.

[The_little_didgee]

I exist on the periphery of my biological family. My few friends are my family.

My mom and I were close until I was about 10 years old. We drifted apart when she tried to get me to socialize with girls who had no desire to be around me. I was also severely bullied which she did nothing about. I internalized it, believed that I deserved it, because she failed to protect me. Now I'm just the daughter she resents, because I'm not socially gifted, married, have children, and possess typical interests. I'm an alien in my biological family.

My mother never really liked me. She interacts with my sisters a lot differently. Whenever I am with them I always feel left out. It isn't much better when we are alone. She doesn't have much to say.

I wish the world was more accepting of us. Most don't know how to deal with autistic individuals and blame us for it. Grrrrr.

You know, it's weird but I kind of feel better in a way now. I feel like the whole relationship with my Mom might've been just never meant to be in the first place. If it's really true that she regretted having me all along, we'll both be better of without this toxic relationship.

Originally Posted by Steve223

You know, it's weird but I kind of feel better in a way now. I feel like the whole relationship with my Mom might've been just never meant to be in the first place. If it's really true that she regretted having me all along, we'll both be better of without this toxic relationship.

You may be right. It was like learning I have autism last year. Sure, it sucked at first, but it kind of freed me up in a way and now I can move on with my life. I guess the truth really does set one free after all.

[-jimi-]

As I grew older and my parents did too, they became more accepting. They have even said positive things about me recently. I think it took them some growing up to understand that things doesn't have to follow a path they choose some 40 years ago, for me. When I was young they were still very critical, but I think they hadn't developed enough to understand what is important in life.