Autism

We agree, but what does *she* think? Or more specifically: Does she seem to have a desire to make use of her detailed approach to things to investigate why people reacted as they did and then how she might be able to inspire something different in the future?

Wishing something better on her and wishing something better for her are not the same, so always be certain your efforts are compatible with her own wishes in relation to her life struggles.

She has no idea how she is making her life more difficult. So I don't think she knows she can reduce the chaos she brings to herself. Last night she was on the phone talking about some drama going on with her group of friends. Honestly, I think she may believe chaos and drama IS life. I'm sorry I don't make a distinction between wishing something on someone and wishing something for someone, to me that's just a meaningless discussion about a single word. I wish for her life to be less chaotic and dramatic, as it does appear to make her unhappy. And I'd really like to stop making this about me. It's about my desire to see her happy through some minor changes that will vastly improve her life, as it did for my husband and my son. That's it. I will move forward in my life exactly the same whether these changes happen or not. This isn't about me. I haven't even tried to talk to her about this and since so many here think this is about me, I think I will abandon any attempt to help her at all, as that seems to be somehow infringing on her "right" to have a chaotic life, at the same time it's making this all about me.

But thank you to everyone for their comments.

I believe we are being careful to *not* make this about you while talking about the *how* of your or anyone's trying to be helpful to her...and I totally understand the overall stress, strain, frustration and/or whatever else you might feel or experience as a wife and mother surrounded by possibly-autistic people.

Is there a reason you have not tried talking with her about this, and could your husband possibly be any help along the line of that type of conversation?

As an aside: I have just begun reading some historical documents related to the challenges faced by Hans Asperger. He believed there had to be some hope for the "Psychically abnormal child", but being a true advocate (such as I am trying to do here) while also trying to understand his patients and know how to best be helpful (such as you are trying to do there) was no easy task.

I tried to broach the subject by telling her I think her father is autistic. I didn't say he was autistic, I said he displays many behaviours associated with autism. This upset her. An hour later she declared "I don't believe Peter is autistic." There's a difference between not believing something and not wanting to believe something. People can't disbelieve away the truth, there's something going on with Peter. The proof is in the changes he's made that have drastically improved his life to the point where his life seems to be working great...now. The same goes for my son, who was self medicating and is now functioning at a very high level without meds. And he's happy for the first time in his life. He lives in New Zealand. We lived in New Zealand until 2016. Now we're back in Canada. My son has chosen to return to Canada to be with us. I didn't ask him to come back, he informed me he was coming back. I think he should stay in NZ, as Vancouver is soooooo much more stressful than living in Auckland. But it's his choice, he wants to be with us.

My daughter went to see a therapist about 8 years ago when she was having relationships problems, she only did one session. I think she stopped therapy after one session because therapy doesn't do any good at all unless you are willing to change. Therapy is all about change. Some people cling to things, even when those things make them unhappy, such as bad relationships. She stayed in a relationship with a cheater for a few months, then eventually left, then asked him to come back. Today (eight years later), she's gotten past the idea she can't do better than a cheater. So now she's single and seems to be happier than when she was in a relationship. Maybe she can make the changes she needs to make without outside help, but it does require to actually see the need for change. So I think I will just leave it alone, as it does seem to make people believe I'm trying to run her life or somehow infringe on her right to be unhappy. What I see in her is great moments of happiness, mixed with irrational bouts of unhappiness over chaos created by blurting out something inappropriate. So she yo yo's between happiness and damage control. Perhaps she has a right to damage things, including her relationships with others. And she has a right to figure that out all on her own. So be it.

I'm sorry, but some parts of this thread are making me simultaneously amused and annoyed. yes, as adult children, it is your children's prerogative if they want to be "dysfunctional" and "unhappy". as a parent, you can't control your children, and as an adult child whose parents tried to control me growing up, and then control what kind of mental health assistance I got and didn't get, I would really suggest not pushing your daughter into anything.

the above quote is just funny. where I live, about 80% of drivers need reminding not to use their phones when they drive and most people in shops need reminding about not infringing on people's personal space. I would say that the vast majority of people have these "abnormalities" and they are basically a by product of the human race being self-centred. if you are so focused on getting your family members diagnosed with something, make them go to a doctor.

So you basically focussed on that tiny subset of symptoms and ignored the rest. If something annoys me, I walk away from it in silence. This is probably a better option for you.

So you

a lot of the other "symptoms" such as being sociable but blurting out inappropriate things also strike me as normal abnormalities.

posting on an internet forum means that people are allowed to post replies, whether you like them or not. what annoys me is that you are pathologising your entire family. you say of your daughter that wanting to believe something is true is not the same as believing it is true. likewise, wanting your entire family to have autism is not the same as your entire family being diagnosed by a professional. if you want them to get help, get them to go to the dr. if they won't go, you don't have much choice but to accept them as they are.

Did you somehow misunderstand the idea of "support"? I didn't realise mocking, belittling and judging fell under the category of support. Don't worry though, they have this nifty little thing called an ignore button, let's agree that's the best route for someone who clearly is here as judge and jury for the pure purpose of mocking. But feel free to continue to mocking my post, because i won't be able to see it. Therefore I won't be violating your right to mock other's problems. And please feel free to move on and mock someone else.