[MoxieDoxie]

Hello All,

So I have been with a therapist since January of this year. I have discussed my husband on many occasions and decided to try marriage counseling. My therapist said that just listening to my accounts of my husband he has a good inclination that he most likely has high functioning Aspergers and it could explain a lot about my issues with him. He said he worked with Aspergers and Autism for a while and can spot them pretty quickly. Our first appointment together is this Thursday so he will be able to confirm or not.

Now I have gone online and read the horror stories of the poor wives regarding years of marriage to a man with undiagnosed husbands with Aspergers. It just does not fit me but I realize there is always a spectrum and the stories online are usually the most extreme. (I have been treated for BPD but high functioning and low on the spectrum but the stories on line were always extreme and really never truly fit my experience).

Can anyone tell me their experience and if their marriage has lasted or what helped.?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Hello All,

So I have been with a therapist since January of this year. I have discussed my husband on many occasions and decided to try marriage counseling. My therapist said that just listening to my accounts of my husband he has a good inclination that he most likely has high functioning Aspergers and it could explain a lot about my issues with him. He said he worked with Aspergers and Autism for a while and can spot them pretty quickly. Our first appointment together is this Thursday so he will be able to confirm or not.

Now I have gone online and read the horror stories of the poor wives regarding years of marriage to a man with undiagnosed husbands with Aspergers. It just does not fit me but I realize there is always a spectrum and the stories online are usually the most extreme. (I have been treated for BPD but high functioning and low on the spectrum but the stories on line were always extreme and really never truly fit my experience).

Can anyone tell me their experience and if their marriage has lasted or what helped.?

My wife is married to a high-functioning Aspie and she feels fine. We've been married 35 years.

[PsychoPhil]

Wives married to men with husbands sounds like an additional layer of complication to me

Never married, it's probable my Asperger's hasn't helped. But isn't it possible you chose your husband because of his Aspie traits, if indeed he is subject to the condition?

[TishaBuv]

I suspect my soon to be ex husband might be slightly on spectrum, but no therapist ever said anything, and the marriage counseling didn’t help.

I wish some answer like that had been the case and we had gotten the help we needed earlier. Maybe we could have saved the marriage.

I also was diagnosed EDD and borderline traits, but I never had any signs of this until the frustration with this man brought it out in me in my late 30’s, and it is only him that caused me such hysteria.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Now I have gone online and read the horror stories of the poor wives regarding years of marriage to a man with undiagnosed husbands with Aspergers. It just does not fit me but I realize there is always a spectrum and the stories online are usually the most extreme.

I think the worst horror stories come from wives who's husbands never get diagnosed because they actually do not have aspergers, but they are just horrible people and some wives need to call that aspergers.

JMHO.

[CantExplain]

The general public has a hard time distinguishing been Aspies and psychopaths.

[Talthybius]

It is sad when woman say their husbands have Aspergers. Maybe you just have bad taste in men? What does Aspergers have to do with it?

What do you think what people with Aspergers think when they read "My husband might have Aspergers. If he has, how can our marriage possibly survive!"

If you have a problem with your husband, talk to him. If you cannot resolve issues through talking, you guys shouldn't have married. Don't blame Aspergers and therefore indirectly people with Aspergers.


Why do I never see someone say "I wish my husband had Aspergers. Then at least we could have a honest talk and he wouldn't cheat on me." Yeah, also an unfair stereotype, but why do woman have these viciously negative stereotypes of males with Aspergers?

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

The general public has a hard time distinguishing been Aspies and psychopaths.

Exactly. Or between aspies and narcissists. Also some aspies are narcissists because just because one is an aspie doesn't mean he has a vaccine against other conditions. So a lot of junk that is spread about aspies is about other conditions or aspies that are also narcissistic.

An aspie is many times more likely to be a victim than an abuser.

[Ephceetera]

Aspie husband here. My wife deifies me sometimes, but she knows I'm not easy to deal with. Thing is, she's also known by her family for rage attacks and her sisters peg her as bipolar. They're all very intelligent. They DEFINITELY all are OCD-laden to the extreme.
They're all fighters and deserve the best. I admire 'em all (especially my wife, but I digress).

We love each other a lot but we also suffer from some real annoying low self esteem issues (we definitely have something pretty close to dysmorphia).

But damn I feel sorry for her. I mean she was known for having THE temper. Then she meets ME - pretty much a simmering overtly rational (and poorly emotionally endowed) tightly wound ball of intense self hatred and dislike of people in general (I know it's ME and that I'm worse than them).

We have a kid, and pardon the cussing but f**k anybody who goes around glamorizing Asperger's*. It's hell, and I really wish my kid doesn't become like me.
Mind you this is Brazil; people with Asperger's usually end up as violent, drug using sociopaths and/or homeless people due to lack of support and knowledge.
So yeah, a theoretical Aspie is more likely to become a victim, but given that as said here already, Aspies can be narcs, borderlines, OCPD's, and so on, there are plenty of us who probably feel it's okay to abuse, exploit, etc.

*People usually have no discernment between Asperger's being a CONDITION but neither pretty nor damning. It is just what it is. Go to some social media websites and/or some sites that (over)use the "promoting awareness" tired tag: we're not little rays of sunshine needing condescending validation. Get real or get lost "awareness promoters" (end rant)

[MoxieDoxie]

There is a missing component here. My husband never rages. He has always been even keel. He has never raised his voice or never shows anger either.

[-jimi-]

I never had support growing up either. I've never chosen to be in a relationship so I never had stress from that. But I have several close friends and it's not like I get angry with them more then they with me. I don't really understand why someone have to grow up a violent sociopath because of aspergers. What in the environment triggers that? To me it sounds like blaming the condition.

If you were beaten and mistreated sure you can develop sociopath, but so can others that don't have aspergers.

If both you and your wife are violent, YES that will affect your child!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Ephceetera

Aspie husband here. My wife deifies me sometimes, but she knows I'm not easy to deal with. Thing is, she's also known by her family for rage attacks and her sisters peg her as bipolar. They're all very intelligent. They DEFINITELY all are OCD-laden to the extreme.
They're all fighters and deserve the best. I admire 'em all (especially my wife, but I digress).

We love each other a lot but we also suffer from some real annoying low self esteem issues (we definitely have something pretty close to dysmorphia).

But damn I feel sorry for her. I mean she was known for having THE temper. Then she meets ME - pretty much a simmering overtly rational (and poorly emotionally endowed) tightly wound ball of intense self hatred and dislike of people in general (I know it's ME and that I'm worse than them).

We have a kid, and pardon the cussing but f**k anybody who goes around glamorizing Asperger's*. It's hell, and I really wish my kid doesn't become like me.
Mind you this is Brazil; people with Asperger's usually end up as violent, drug using sociopaths and/or homeless people due to lack of support and knowledge.
So yeah, a theoretical Aspie is more likely to become a victim, but given that as said here already, Aspies can be narcs, borderlines, OCPD's, and so on, there are plenty of us who probably feel it's okay to abuse, exploit, etc.

*People usually have no discernment between Asperger's being a CONDITION but neither pretty nor damning. It is just what it is. Go to some social media websites and/or some sites that (over)use the "promoting awareness" tired tag: we're not little rays of sunshine needing condescending validation. Get real or get lost "awareness promoters" (end rant)

What you described here IS my husband! It’s that overly tightly wound and internally seething anger (which he passive aggressively took out on me) that was the basis of the problem, combined with MY issues. Kaboom!

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

If you were beaten and mistreated sure you can develop sociopath, but so can others that don't have aspergers.

Conversely, Asperger's doesn't help with being beaten and mistreated.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

Conversely, Asperger's doesn't help with being beaten and mistreated.

I don't anything particular helps with physical and emotional abuse in childhood. Some turn in inwards, some outwards. Same with aspies, some become nervous wrecks, some act it out.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

, but why do woman have these viciously negative stereotypes of males with Aspergers?

Do you mean "one woman"? Or are you saying "women"? Do you think that all women have viciously negative stereotypes of males with Aspergers? If it is the latter, maybe you are being viciously negative about WOMEN IN GENERAL. If that is indeed the case, you are being viciously negative YOURSELF.

Projection, maybe?

[Talthybius]

Is there any positive stereotype about people with Aspergers held by anyone? Man or woman?

I don't think I said that I think all woman are viscously negative about something. But I do know that no women has ever shown me why I shouldn't worry about them having a net negative effect on my life. Despite all my efforts to be positive. I will still maintain I am positive about people in general and women specifically. But if you'd pressure me into providing specifics on how women have positively affected my life, I think I will have to admit all the positive things are actually illusion and all negatives cut deep.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

Is there any positive stereotype about people with Aspergers held by anyone? Man or woman?

I don't think I said that I think all woman are viscously negative about something. But I do know that no women has ever shown me why I shouldn't worry about them having a net negative effect on my life. Despite all my efforts to be positive. I will still maintain I am positive about people in general and women specifically. But if you'd pressure me into providing specifics on how women have positively affected my life, I think I will have to admit all the positive things are actually illusion and all negatives cut deep.

Here’s a nice article I found:
What Strengths Are Common To Adults With Asperger's Syndrome? | Kenneth Roberson, Ph.D.

[Talthybius]

That's an article written by someone with a PhD (in the subject?) exactly because he feels there are negative stereotypes. it starts with "Asperger’s Syndrome is NOT all about being defective, abnormal or impaired."

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

That's an article written by someone with a PhD (in the subject?) exactly because he feels there are negative stereotypes. it starts with "Asperger’s Syndrome is NOT all about being defective, abnormal or impaired."

That’s right. People with Illnesses/disorders have good qualities along with undesirable ones.

[Talthybius]

But we weren't discussing people. We were discussing stereotypes.

[eskielover]

However ALL qualities must be taken into considetation when one is thinking about committment because all qualities of BOTH people are important to consider. Not all good qualuties counter ones that cause problems for either person. Being compatible is still the most important issue no matter what.