I hate my life

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment I hope you can at least see that you did something well and be proud of that! It sucks when life gets in the way, I know all bout job issues and money problems, unfortunately... (and those things bringing on depression)

Are you getting help at the moment? Of course you can always come on here if you need to talk, but if things are that serious, please also get professional help!

I'd see someone, a doctor or therapist.

I know how you feel about being bogged down. I'd say, try as many distractions as will work for you. Exercise, art, reading, anything really.

Remember the pendulum. You'll get down, but then you'll go back up again.

The guy - well, that sucks. The thing to remember is you do have a degree of control over it. Maybe it's not going to work out, but you can either wallow, or decide you want to get through it as quickly as possible. I'm not saying decide not to be upset, I'm saying, you can decide to see the positive aspects - at least you tried, that's better than me! lol

I hate thinking things are as bad as they're ever going to get, because life has a way of coming around and proving me wrong. But you'll bounce up again. Everyone always does. It just seems impossible when you're in the midst of it.

Good luck.

I am seeing a psychologist but it doesn't seem to be helping and I'm starting to take some of my distrust out on them. We just don't seem to be getting anywhere. I don't know what 'progress' is supposed to look like. I don't think it's the psychologist as I've been with another before and I had the same feelings.

That is a common feeling for avoidant people. It helps a lot if you have a specific goal when you start seeing someone - to get a better job, or to try to be more social with your family.

You can't cure avoidance. All you can do is learn to manage it better. You can learn coping skills and how to be authentic.

The last person I tried to be friends with I told him about my issues right up front. Actually, what I told him is I can't be friends with you. Then I explained it. I nearly had a waver for him. lol I wanted him to know exactly what he was getting in to.

With therapy, it does seems like a lot of treading water. And then suddenly, something pops, and you figure out a better way. Being honest is the only way through it. Admit your feelings of distrust, and see how they react. If you've got a good one, they won't get defensive, but will instead work through it with you, help you see what your triggers are and how you can counteract them.

You can't just ignore the avoidance, or it will come back and bite you all the harder. You have to learn how to work with it. It can be done. You'll get through this. It's not all doom and gloom and bleak future. But you have to face it and accept it. And you can do that.

Stop comparing yourself to other people, and instead compare yourself to yourself. You tried with this friend of yours. That is an improvement, a step. It didn't work out exactly the way you wanted it to, but that rarely happens with anything. Try again. Get more data points so you can watch your progress.

Good luck.

I've been seeing my counsellor for close to two years now... and I still don't have too much trust in him. Do I trust him more than I used to? Yes. I can logically list off all the things that he's done where I suppose I tested him a bit - he's handled everything I've ever pushed myself to share in the moment really well. Yet I still always have that distrust that he's going to get mad, or bail on me, etc.

I can act upon the "I know I should be able to trust him" thought, and have been getting better at going to him with things.

I don't really see any progress (funny as I think I just stated above stuff that counts as progress) - but he thinks I've made a lot of progress. I don't see it, and I dismiss it or inform him how he's wrong if he tells me anything. Which is rude of me and I am sure one of these days he will get fed up with it.

He and I decided that it's a big enough accomplishment for me to go in and talk to him - he knows that I still don't really trust him, and he's aware of just how easily he could lose all of my trust. The fact that he knows that terrifies me. But the way I see it.... I'm making his job harder and wasting his time if I'm not being honest, so I do my best to be honest with him.

So, I think the feelings of distrust and feeling like you aren't making any progress are totally fine and normal.

Is it true that it can't be cured? We're going to be like this our whole life?

How is it possible to measure how much you can manage/cope with it? Have you ever seen a success story. I don't know how long you've been diagnosed and for how long you've received therapy, but isn't explaining to someone your avoidancy 'so he knows what he's getting himself into' just making your illness worse for yourself? I can see how your intentions might be good but it looks like a product of paranoia and fear. How is that a good thing?

Ck is away for a few days.
To answer your question, yes AvPD isn't curable simply because its personality.
Its controllable but that depends on that given moment in how you're feeling at that time.

The only way for some peace is to understand the disorder fully in the respect to what AvPD is and how you react/respond to it.

Did you find any relief?

Like I said, I can relate to what you were talking about way too much, and take it from me, you don't want to end up where I spent my little, ah, "vacation."

To answer your questions, yes, if you have the PD it can't be cured. But if you're self-diagnosed, don't limit your life assuming that you have it! This quote about sums it up:
I can supply anyone who wants it the link, but I'm not sure I can post it.

How to measure how much you can cope with it - are you still alive? Then you are coping with it.

I have seen success stories. Those are people who understand their limitations and live within then. If you're a paraplegic you're not going to climb Mt. Everest. If you're an avoidant, you'll never be comfortable inviting 500 people to your wedding.

For me, being up front with someone makes it easier. To a degree, I am comfortable in my avie skin. That doesn't mean I'm happy. That means, this is who I am and I'm too old to fake anything different anymore. I know that the majority - if not all - people will leave me eventually. I have a black mark on my soul that makes me incapable of being loved, as I was told once in a super harsh but truthful reality check.

It's horrible sitting around waiting for whoever to figure that out on their own. Most people are so self-centered all they are interested in is what they can get from you or what they see of themselves reflected in you for quite some time. It takes a while for people to get past that veil. With me, when that happens they are out of there, because the shock of who they think I am vs who I really am is too great. If I tell them up front, this is what you're dealing with, then it takes a huge piece of anxiety - when will they figure out the truth about me? - out of the picture. It does not make it worse for me to do that.

I know you're young, and you're still comparing yourself to your peers all the time, so the idea of being almost proud-ish of being so different from social standards is probably the craziest thing you'll ever have heard of. But there are some serious positives about being avoidant. Most of us are really straight forward and honest. We don't try to manipulate people or get over on them. If an avoidant person sticks by you, that is a serious compliment to your character. Of course, that's what makes us so annoying that habit of telling hard truths.

For the record, it's not an illness it's a personality disorder. Your personality is set in stone by the time you're in your mid-30's, more or less. There really isn't much I can do to change it at all. Just learn to deal with it better, hopefully.

How is it a good thing to be honest with someone? How can it not be!

Think of it this way. I'll latch on to your illness supposition, even though it's not quite accurate. If someone has incurable cancer - is that paranoid to tell someone about it? It might be a personal decision; if it's someone you won't see again it might not be relevant.

It's only paranoid to discuss if it's a hunch. This is a given in my life. I'm not paranoid that I may or may not be avoidant, and I'm not paranoid that it may or may not affect my relationships with other people. I have it, and it will, absolutely.

So being up front with someone is doing both of us a kindness. Rather than have them waste their energy on a relationship that most likely will peter out, they can choose from the stop not to go that route; and I can avoid being stressed about the inevitable reveal, since I'm not a big fan of that kind of drama.

Not sure what relief you mean. I'm pretty much over the relationship that I discussed in this thread. It's slowly melting away from my priorities. But I still think about them all the time, every day. It's had a deep impact on me and I doubt it will ever go away fully. But I'm not hung up over it anymore.

I haven't got any relief from my psychologist yet. Actually, I'm crushing on my psychologist, badly. But that's all it's going to be. A secret crush. I'm not going to spoil it by talking to them about it and receiving the inevitable declination, it will just be my little daydream.

I didn't self diagnose my AvPD and depression. My psychologist diagnosed me after about 10 sessions including an evaluation. About four years ago a psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizotypal disorder and social anxiety. Then I saw another psychiatrist a year later who wasn't sure what to diagnose me as. The same year I ditched the meds and modern medicine and self-diagnosed myself with schizoaffective disorder, and I carried that label around for two years, telling doctors and even my current psychologist that I had it. But a few months ago I gave in and told them the truth that I self-diagnosed the schizoaffective disorder.

What happened to you ck? Did you have to go to hospital/rehab?

Yeppers. 8 days staring at walls.

But I think I have a new diagnostic tool. I should let the DSM people know. (Said jokingly.)

I got in and my blood pressure was 180/120. They thought I was going to have a stroke and were freaked out that I had such high untreated blood pressure. I told them, it was the stress of being around so many people. After a week, they sent me out to see my GP. There, where you would expect a "white coat" bump in BP, my pressure reading was 144/94. Not great, but a huge improvement. I went back to the hospital, where as soon as I walked through the door they took my vitals again, and the pressure reading was 185/117.

They decided that since I was not in eminent danger anymore, and though I had not met their regular discharge requirements (most people on my floor had been there for months, and I was the only one who was not also an addict) they sent me home because the stress of being there around all those people was more likely to kill me than whatever I might do to myself upon returning home. Nice, huh?

It's good that you're in a better state of mind about the break from your friend. Crushing on your psych - that's harsh. On the one hand, it will keep you going to see him. On the other, it could destroy what self esteem you have left, because no matter how much you understand that it could never happen, eventually the avoidant self-loathing will kick in and you'll find blame in yourself for it not going anywhere.

I read a book that might help called Loves Me...Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love. I thought it was kind of brilliant for any avoidant to read, because although it deals with romantic/sexual love, it can also apply to friendships, and it addresses (without pity!) loves/crushes/interests people have where they don't pursue it and beat themselves up for letting someone slip away.

What made you get admitted in the first place if you don't mind me asking? I had a recent blood pressure reading of 170/90 and that was just in a GP's office. I was feeling anxious but not as scared as you would have been in the hospital. I think high blood pressure runs in my family.

Yeah I don't know what to do about the crush, unless I find another distraction. I don't think I'll be able to prevent myself from at least trying to drop hints to the psychologist. In the last session while we were talking about my relationship issues I asked him hypothetically if he would go out with an avoidant. I can be surprisingly forward like that sometimes, like a rare burst of confidence. I guess I can do that because I feel safe since I always have a backup plan and only say things like that when I know that it could have different interpretations and I can make myself look innocent if it backfires.

Why would you do that? Even if he would date an avoidant, even if he liked you, he could never get involved with a patient.

It was an innocent question. That's why I said hypothetically. And I don't know why, I don't think about those sorts of complicated things. As I said in an earlier post, the crush is basically a daydream/fantasy, and I know deep down that it's not going to lead anywhere.

I don't think that wasn't an innocent question you asked your psych. Maybe he thought it was, but most likely he has a clue and is trying to let it die off. You have a crush, so you were testing the waters. What you know and what the avoidance is going to do to mess with your mind are two very different things.

You're playing with fire. You will get to that point that you are swamped. It's classic, actually. What will happen is, it will become too painful to see your psych, so you will have to quit going, and then your avoidance will "win" - you won't have be around this person, you won't have someone knowing personal information about you, you won't have to interact with them. But if you do that, you'll be screwing yourself over.

The way out - and it sucks, I know it - is to own up to it. Tell your psych about your crush. I'm sure the dude has heard it before. I think my therapist is a little miffed I haven't come on to her yet. It will help you practice having a more honest relationship, it will help you practice putting your feelings out there, practice not having them returned, and it will be really safe, because you know know know it can't be returned. You already know without a doubt how it will end up, so there's no way you can blame yourself.

But if you wait much longer, it will get worse, and you won't be able to separate the crush/avoidance from reality, which is that no matter what you do it can't happen. It will be a hard hit if you tell him, but it will be a harder hit when it gets to the point you have to leave. Much more productive in the long run to address it head on, even if you do it in a joking manner, because once it's out of your head it will lose it's power over you.

I feel everyone is over thinking this.

Seriously to tell your psych like suggested WILL only ignite the avoidance in you which would ultimately led to leaving his practice.
Personally I'd enjoy those pipe dream feelings you're getting and just let it die down over time

I must first say I can't believe how similar us AvPD ppl are. I also pushed my soon to be ex wife away. But have hope, she was my only friend but I'm learning that I had set limitations on myself. I know the feeling of being in a black hole, your world crumbling around you, having no one to turn to. Guess what! It's just the AvPD coping and dealing with a situation. It's ok to hurt, but it feels so much better when you can take a chance on this world and really open up. I've been writing this a lot recently but I think it's a great way for AvPD ppl to explore the world, since we don't really know where to start. Checkout this website called meetups.com it's basically a place where you can find people in a safe zone ( what I think at least). You find something you like or if you have no hobbies or interests or very limited just try something new something different, learn that deep down inside the AvPD isn't you it's just a barrier we have up. I've only went to one group meeting for anxiety so far but I already got a new friend out of it. I've filled my days and weeks with new things to try and do. All I can say is give yourself a chance to not be restricted by your condition.