I hate my life

I'm sitting alone at home. All I have for company is my computer. Last night I pushed away the first and only friend I'd made in years and I regret it. I don't have anyone now.

We were dating for a few weeks and he picked up almost right away that I was anxious and shy. I didn't tell him (21) that I have AvPD because it would have been too soon, and it might have discouraged him. We hung out a lot and he was very understanding about me, he felt so right. He knew the right things to say that wouldn't upset me and was very encouraging about everything.

A couple of days ago when we were spending time together, he confided some things that he thought I ought to know before starting a relationship. I won't go into long detail about what they were as it's irrelevant now. But it made me feel insecure and worried. I wasn't sure what to do. I think I overreacted.

I sort of calmed down yesterday, but my insecurity and fears sprang up again, and I voiced my concerns to him in person. I was able to talk quite coherently about it, which surprised me. We didn't really come to a conclusion, and we were both quite sad at this point.

Later that night (I was home and he was at his house) I started an online chat with him and that's when things fell apart. I let my fear take control of me. The fear of the future. I decided that I had to stop seeing him completely in order to protect myself, as being with him and trying to comprehend everything was making me an emotional wreck. I said that we can't even be friends anymore because it wouldn't feel right and I would feel hurt every time I saw him.

He agreed reluctantly if that was really what I wanted. The chat ended with him saying that he wished the best for me and hope that I will have a good life. I cried my eyes out in bed for the rest of the night. It felt like the end of the world. Without knowing it I just automatically pushed away the one person who understood me and shared common interests with me.

Waking up today, I feel like a black hole. I feel sick in the stomach. This experience has made me feel more scared and withdrawn. I don't want to meet anyone else. I feel like I have no trust left.