[shyherdier]

I'm sitting alone at home. All I have for company is my computer. Last night I pushed away the first and only friend I'd made in years and I regret it. I don't have anyone now.

We were dating for a few weeks and he picked up almost right away that I was anxious and shy. I didn't tell him (21) that I have AvPD because it would have been too soon, and it might have discouraged him. We hung out a lot and he was very understanding about me, he felt so right. He knew the right things to say that wouldn't upset me and was very encouraging about everything.

A couple of days ago when we were spending time together, he confided some things that he thought I ought to know before starting a relationship. I won't go into long detail about what they were as it's irrelevant now. But it made me feel insecure and worried. I wasn't sure what to do. I think I overreacted.

I sort of calmed down yesterday, but my insecurity and fears sprang up again, and I voiced my concerns to him in person. I was able to talk quite coherently about it, which surprised me. We didn't really come to a conclusion, and we were both quite sad at this point.

Later that night (I was home and he was at his house) I started an online chat with him and that's when things fell apart. I let my fear take control of me. The fear of the future. I decided that I had to stop seeing him completely in order to protect myself, as being with him and trying to comprehend everything was making me an emotional wreck. I said that we can't even be friends anymore because it wouldn't feel right and I would feel hurt every time I saw him.

He agreed reluctantly if that was really what I wanted. The chat ended with him saying that he wished the best for me and hope that I will have a good life. I cried my eyes out in bed for the rest of the night. It felt like the end of the world. Without knowing it I just automatically pushed away the one person who understood me and shared common interests with me.

Waking up today, I feel like a black hole. I feel sick in the stomach. This experience has made me feel more scared and withdrawn. I don't want to meet anyone else. I feel like I have no trust left.

[Snap66]

I don't think he has gone anywhere.

Look at his responce... it wasn't hurtful to you as he's left the door open.
Of course this is what we do and that is to feel pressured and overwhelmed by avoidance so we push people away to simplify.

I think when you're up to it contact him. Personally i wouldn't tell him about your Avoidance, but let him know that you struggle from anxiety from time to time.

Welcome.

[A Red Panda]

I know exactly how you feel. I've definitely done similar.

It's so frustrating that while trying to protect ourselves, we cause the most damage to ourselves!

If you can work up the courage to contact him again, I'm sure he would be responsive, as it sounds like he is sad to be losing you.

[shyherdier]

How does his response say that he's left the door open?

I already told him about my AvPD last night, because I hoped it would explain to him why I was so insecure. He seemed ok about it, though I didn't say much of what it was about.

I'm not going to contact him again. It's going to make me look even more crazy and indecisive if I send mixed signals.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by shyherdier

He agreed reluctantly if that was really what I wanted. The chat ended with him saying that he wished the best for me and hope that I will have a good life. I cried my eyes out in bed for the rest of the night. It felt like the end of the world. Without knowing it I just automatically pushed away the one person who understood me and shared common interests with me.

He agreed to leave you alone because you were insistent. People often agree because they want the best for the other person - he's being respectful by agreeing to not contact you.

You chose to end things, you decided on no friendship, you decided on no contact.

Nothing you've said about him shows that he had any interest or desire in ending things - so while he is almost certainly hurting, he could still be open to communication from you. But it would only happen if you initiated it, because he's agreed to respect your wishes.

[shyherdier]

Well I can't initiate it for the reasons I mentioned. I want to but I can't. It could make the situation worse.

I'll try remember one of his last comments in the chat which will give you some context.

He said something like he 'didn't want it to end like this'. So I suggested that chatting about this over online chat wasn't the best way, and that we should do it in person. But he disagreed because meeting in person again would either lead us to cuddling again (which would send mixed signals to him) or just coming to another emotional impasse. Both were good points and I agreed. So I just threw in the towel, and that's when I said the stuff about not being able to see him anymore and why.

So you see, if I text him again it will send mixed signals and might upset him. It's also going to further trash my image of stability if I send a message wanting to get back into contact again.

[ck2d]

You know, you're allowed to admit you made a mistake, and you're allowed to admit you're scared.

[A Red Panda]

It sure will. I get it. I've always ended up either totally withdrawing (like you have) or trying to not do that... and then it backfires and I'm a clingy wreck.

He was taking care of himself emotionally when he didn't want to have a break-up talk after breaking-up. It's different than having a conversation involving trying again.

Either way... yeah, it's all awkward and none of it's easy. I honestly wouldn't know how to handle myself (as I never have managed it well in the past) but I find it helps (after the hurt) to recognize where things were decided that were my decisions.

It's why I wanted to point out that it was your decision to end things and cut off contact - he didn't reject you. You rejected him. I always get caught in stupid loops that don't make sense, and as painful as it is I find I can move forwards best once I own and accept my choices, even if it turns out that I regret them horribly and think I'm a terrible person for having made them. It helps remind me that I wasn't rejected - that I did the rejecting. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember and tell the difference.

I really don't know if what I said made any sense. :S

[Snap66]

You're still emotionally destroyed, so no matter what we say your avoidance is going to step in and override you.

This is why i say wait till you feel better, because you can't approach him now bc you're upset and struggling.

Looks at whats happening..
you're up-set bc you miss the guy.
The avoidance is trying to stop you from seeing him.
See the two decisions that are being made... Yours and Avies, and this is why you have to wait till you're feeling better.

If he likes you and it seems that he does he's not going to turn his feeling off for you.

Look above you have alot of good people here to support you while you get your strength back.

[Fuzzybear]

[shyherdier]

It's too late now. He's probably moved on. There's no way you or I can gauge for sure that he actually still has feelings for me.

It's his birthday in a week and I thought I should at least text him to say happy birthday, but I better not. He might get annoyed and say something like 'You said you wouldn't contact me again. Why are you doing this? It's over.'

[Snap66]

G'day Shy,

I fail to see it... If you think he has moved on then there was nothing there to start with and you have written that he had shared allot with you. :-)

...and with that I think its perfect opportunity to say hello & wish him a H/B :-)

[A Red Panda]

How long has it been?

People don't typically move on within a week or two. If they do, they were by far not worth the effort.

It seems like he cares because he wasn't happy with the break up. And he took a risk to share something important with you - which in turn, you had a bad reaction to. People don't take risks if they're not willing to invest in the relationship.

So while none of us can know for sure whether or not he's moved on, you will also never know unless you contact him.

Sending a happy birthday message is quite harmless. You've picked out the worst case scenario for his response. He may give a polite response, he may engage in a conversation, he may simply not respond. Those are three other possibilities.

And it will help you know one way or the other.

[shyherdier]

I don't know. None of what you two are saying is reassuring me.

There's a few factors going against your optimism. I would have to explain everything, including the information he shared with me. That's going to be walls and walls of text that I don't feel comfortable sharing on here.

Panda, it's since Saturday. So by the time his birthday comes it will have been 10 days. I just think that is too long to go without making contact. In a few days he could be over me, if not already. I know it comes with the personality disorder to be pessimistic and instantly jump to the worst case scenario...but trying to be positive and create an imaginary image in my head of optimism is going to make me more sad about missing him.

[ck2d]

I think you're not giving him a lot of credit. If someone left you, would you write them off forever? Why do you assume he'd be so shallow?

I think you're afraid and you're blaming him instead of taking responsibility. See, it's not that you're afraid, it's that he's moved on already, unlikely as that is.

I do leave people for good. When they are abusive to me. And not just one time either, they have to hang themselves off the moon. Did you do that? Were you abusive over a long period of time? It doesn't sound like it to me. That's usually what it takes for someone to decide to move on.

Yes, it's going to take a little work. Yes, he'll be leery at first. He's probably going to test you a bit. That's okay.

What you need to do now, while there is still time and this can just be seen as a bump in the road and not a derail, is decide what you want to do. If you want to be with him, then it's time to confront your fear and go be with him. If you want to be with him, and let it slip by, take it from me, how you're feeling now will last for years and become a hard knot of regret. Don't let it go that far.

[Snap66]

His birthday is a perfect time to contact him, why... bc its normal and a nice thing to do!
That's all you have to do.

And....If he is still interested well, he will respond to you.

[Snap66]

Originally Posted by ck2d

He's probably going to test you a bit. That's okay

No he wont.... unless he's an avie

[A Red Panda]

I think it's fairly natural for someone to be cautious and prone to testing the waters if someone reacts badly to them sharing something significant.

[BreakForTheLight]

What are your options?

a) You do nothing, don't contact him again, don't send him a birthday message. There is only one possible outcome to this scenario: nothing will change. You've lost him and you will be sad. And you will eventually get over it, but you might always keep wondering if it could have worked, maybe even regret not contacting him again.

b) You contact him; starting with just a friendly birthday message if you like. Now here there are more possible outcomes. One is that yes, you were right and he has moved on. He might thank you for your message but say he doesn't want to try to fix things anymore. I don't see it as very likely, but it is possible. But if this is the case, then it is not because you contacted him again, he already felt like that. (Which indeed makes him quite shallow and a person you are better of without.) Contacting him again, even if he's over you, can't do any damage. The other possibilty is that he is happy to hear from you, he's missed you too and he wants to try again. If that's what you want, contacting him is the only way you can get it.

What have you got to lose? You probably are afraid of getting rejected again and I get that. But will you feel better if you don't do anything and just let it go? Yes, in the worst case scenario, it will hurt to get rejected. But you will get over it. And when you do, you can be proud of yourself for confronting your fears!

None of what you two are saying is reassuring me.

There is nothing anyone here can do to reassure you. Whatever we say, your brain will come up with a counter argument. You have to be willing to take a risk. If you're not, go buy yourself some ice cream and try to forget about this guy.

[shyherdier]

I have an update. I texted him on his birthday and it went well. He replied, we had a short chat and we met later that day.

Things have gone downhill since then and our relationship is nearly non-existent. I'm bogged down with really horrible life stuff like money and job issues and my avpd and depression is way out of hand. The last few weeks have been a nightmare. Two years ago I thought things couldn't get any worse but they have and I'm scared for myself.

[BreakForTheLight]

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment I hope you can at least see that you did something well and be proud of that! It sucks when life gets in the way, I know all bout job issues and money problems, unfortunately... (and those things bringing on depression)

Are you getting help at the moment? Of course you can always come on here if you need to talk, but if things are that serious, please also get professional help!

[ck2d]

I'd see someone, a doctor or therapist.

I know how you feel about being bogged down. I'd say, try as many distractions as will work for you. Exercise, art, reading, anything really.

Remember the pendulum. You'll get down, but then you'll go back up again.

The guy - well, that sucks. The thing to remember is you do have a degree of control over it. Maybe it's not going to work out, but you can either wallow, or decide you want to get through it as quickly as possible. I'm not saying decide not to be upset, I'm saying, you can decide to see the positive aspects - at least you tried, that's better than me! lol

I hate thinking things are as bad as they're ever going to get, because life has a way of coming around and proving me wrong. But you'll bounce up again. Everyone always does. It just seems impossible when you're in the midst of it.

Good luck.

[shyherdier]

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment I hope you can at least see that you did something well and be proud of that! It sucks when life gets in the way, I know all bout job issues and money problems, unfortunately... (and those things bringing on depression)

Are you getting help at the moment? Of course you can always come on here if you need to talk, but if things are that serious, please also get professional help!

I am seeing a psychologist but it doesn't seem to be helping and I'm starting to take some of my distrust out on them. We just don't seem to be getting anywhere. I don't know what 'progress' is supposed to look like. I don't think it's the psychologist as I've been with another before and I had the same feelings.

[ck2d]

That is a common feeling for avoidant people. It helps a lot if you have a specific goal when you start seeing someone - to get a better job, or to try to be more social with your family.

You can't cure avoidance. All you can do is learn to manage it better. You can learn coping skills and how to be authentic.

The last person I tried to be friends with I told him about my issues right up front. Actually, what I told him is I can't be friends with you. Then I explained it. I nearly had a waver for him. lol I wanted him to know exactly what he was getting in to.

With therapy, it does seems like a lot of treading water. And then suddenly, something pops, and you figure out a better way. Being honest is the only way through it. Admit your feelings of distrust, and see how they react. If you've got a good one, they won't get defensive, but will instead work through it with you, help you see what your triggers are and how you can counteract them.

You can't just ignore the avoidance, or it will come back and bite you all the harder. You have to learn how to work with it. It can be done. You'll get through this. It's not all doom and gloom and bleak future. But you have to face it and accept it. And you can do that.

Stop comparing yourself to other people, and instead compare yourself to yourself. You tried with this friend of yours. That is an improvement, a step. It didn't work out exactly the way you wanted it to, but that rarely happens with anything. Try again. Get more data points so you can watch your progress.

Good luck.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by shyherdier

I am seeing a psychologist but it doesn't seem to be helping and I'm starting to take some of my distrust out on them. We just don't seem to be getting anywhere. I don't know what 'progress' is supposed to look like. I don't think it's the psychologist as I've been with another before and I had the same feelings.

I've been seeing my counsellor for close to two years now... and I still don't have too much trust in him. Do I trust him more than I used to? Yes. I can logically list off all the things that he's done where I suppose I tested him a bit - he's handled everything I've ever pushed myself to share in the moment really well. Yet I still always have that distrust that he's going to get mad, or bail on me, etc.

I can act upon the "I know I should be able to trust him" thought, and have been getting better at going to him with things.

I don't really see any progress (funny as I think I just stated above stuff that counts as progress) - but he thinks I've made a lot of progress. I don't see it, and I dismiss it or inform him how he's wrong if he tells me anything. Which is rude of me and I am sure one of these days he will get fed up with it.

He and I decided that it's a big enough accomplishment for me to go in and talk to him - he knows that I still don't really trust him, and he's aware of just how easily he could lose all of my trust. The fact that he knows that terrifies me. But the way I see it.... I'm making his job harder and wasting his time if I'm not being honest, so I do my best to be honest with him.

So, I think the feelings of distrust and feeling like you aren't making any progress are totally fine and normal.