Relationships vs. escape to fantasy

I've read that people with AvPD have a tendency to escape to fantasy. I can relate, as I've hid in fantasies and daydreams many times in my life, from early childhood and all the way up to present day. The types of fantasy/daydream have varied over the years, but many of them are undoubedtly a coping mechanism, and a way to fight depression, loneliness, insecurities, etc.

I think a lot of the reasons for our tendencies to fantasize/daydream can be narrowed down to at least three keywords ... and each new fantasy/daydream can be caused by one of the keywords/reasons alone, or several at the same time:

Escape - life is too much to deal with, so a fantasy bubble is more pleasant
Safety - fantasies and daydreams of situations and circumstances that don't pose the same threats that real life do at that moment
Compensation - whenever we don't feel good enough, smart enough, interesting enough, sexy enough and so forth, we create scenarios in our minds where we are in complete control, and are the most amazing people ever

But what if you're in a relationship? How understanding and accepting should one's own partner be when it comes to one's need to daydream and fantasize a bit?

It's definitely a tricky subject, especially if one sometimes have a tendency towards fantasies and daydreams of a sexual nature, as one's partner might take it the wrong way, as if one is unhappy with one's partner. Some partners might even be of the opinion that if you're creating such scenarios in your mind, you're being emotionally unfaithful. But is that really the case?

And what about wanting to play video games, watch movies, read books, etc. instead of going out, being social with one's partner's family members, and so forth? Some partners might interpret that as you not being interested in your partner's family, or that you're selfish and no fun.

How can we make them understand what it's really about? And should they be required to make a better effort to understand in order to be our partners? Is that a reasonable demand?

Hello ClutterHeadAugust: Well... the Skeezyks doesn't really know about all of this. But I saw that no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would.

I guess as long as one can keep one's fantasizing to oneself, then it really is no one else's business, in my opinion. However, when it begins to affect a person's day-to-day life & relationships with family members & friends, etc. then it becomes a different situation.

There's one thing I can say with regard to this that I have written a number of times in reply to other posts. Everyone including family members & friends, etc. has her or his limits. And it is up to those of us who struggle with mental health issues to find a way to not be continually pushing up against, or going beyond, those limits. If we cannot, or will not, then we have to realize that we risk being abandoned. That is, from my perspective, the cold, hard reality of the situation.

Perhaps the important thing here, particularly when it comes to relationships with significant others, is open communication so that the person who is doing the fantasizing can express what it is that is going on with them & the "significant other" can delineate what they can & can't tolerate... in other words they can express what they hold to be their limits... or borders...

Haha, that's very sweet of you, thank you very much

If you feel like it, I can suggest that you go to a Reddit post I made, regarding this exact same topic. In that thread, I feel like I have more thoroughly explained a lot of how things went down. Also, one person's comments to me are very intelligently put in that thread, and the understanding I felt I received in that thread helped me further explain things more comfortably:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/commen...pe_to_fantasy/

I see your point to a degree. But at the same time, that sounds very apologetic, as if we should say "excuse me for having problems". Ironically, I already do that too much ... it's kind of a part of the AvPD diagnosis, lol; fear of rejection, fear of being judged and criticized, etc. And I have done a lot of things for people, crawled for them, just so they wouldn't leave me. But through therapy lately, I am starting to learn that I have the right to request some understanding, care and patience. With that said, though, I try not to push my partner at all. I have pretty much given up hope of being understood regarding this topic ... it has forever become our elephant in the room. So I have to either live with that, or move on.

Well, I am not free to express what's going on in my head anymore, because it's too much for my partner to handle. The very thought of me having any fantasy at all is too much for my partner to bear. Again, the Reddit post sheds more light on this part.

Thank you for bringing this up, clutterheadaugust. I find it extremely painful and difficult to reach out and talk to my spouse or family about what I am struggling with. I can't describe how much emotional effort goes into even a simple recitation. And my spouse and family have always done their best to be supportive, so I know it's not them. Even though it is so difficult, I believe it is healthier to try and keep someone - whether it is a friend or family member - tuned in to what we are going through. I understand the amount of emotional effort that goes into it. I don't think people recognize how something so simple can be so incredibly difficult.

I also have a very difficult time with staying 'tuned in' to the people and environment around me, even at work. I wonder sometimes if this is part of being avoidant, or if it is a different issue. My own thoughts are more real to me than the people around me.

I read your post on Reddit. I have AvPD and my H has a sex addiction (per him). We went a long time without sex for a bunch of reasons, one of which was that he would fantasize about others during sex and I could feel his mental absence. I felt that something was wrong for many years (like 20) before we addressed this in couples counseling. We've managed to work thru it though, so I hope that gives you some hope.

As far as liking to play video games and the like, I sometimes feel like I need to be alone or withdraw because just interacting with people gets tiring for me. I think it works best when H and I talk about upcoming events and when during the event it would be appropriate for me to withdraw for a bit. I have the excuse of needing to walk my service dog-and that comes in very handy. I do think that both people in the relationship need to understand that the person with AvPD will need more time on his/her own than most people and that it doesn't mean anything about how the AvPD feels about the partner. For us it works better to agree before hand how time will be handled, what is an appropriate amount of time to spend with partner and/or other family members, what is ok to spend alone.

It is not easy being in a relationship with two people with disorders. I find couples counseling to be a necessary part of us being happy together. We have been married 29 years so something is working!

I don't understand very well which your point is.
I kept in silence my day dreaming activity. I felt ashamed for having fantasizes and even believed that it was something I had to cut if I didn't want to get mad. But, I needed it.
I agree with you in the functionality you describes for day dreaming need.

I remember that since the first moment I met my partner, suddenly, I never felt the need to fantazise again.
Sorry if I didn't contribute a lot to your topic. Only adding my own experience in case it can be helpful.