[thinker22]

This was my initial question, but I think I posted it in the wrong place so here goes again:

I'm new to all this as I thought I just had unipolar depression my entire remembered life. At first I never wanted to be in therapy and then when things got worse after I was about 20, I did a little therapy off and on. I didn't want to take any kind of drugs either because I know people with addictions to illegal drugs (family members) and didn't want it to rule my life. However, I finally lost hope on battling this alone and went to see someone for medications so I could at least sleep last year.

The meds person now says due to the way I respond to SSRI's (negatively...all four they've tried me on--Paxil, Lexapro, Prozac, Celexa--made me agitated, stressed out, with insomnia and impulsive sometimes dangerous behaviors) and the ways I respond to others (Seroquel, Wellbutrin, and now Effexor...which I just started 4 days ago so am not sure about, but at least I have energy on WB and can sleep with SQ without the negative voice and shadow, which I know are just projections of my mind and the depression/anxiety), along with recalling hypomania throughout my childhood to present (where I have spastic energy and tell tons of jokes and become extroverted and reveal information I wish I hadn't to strangers or acquaintances), they think I have bipolar II.

I had to go to the hospital six months ago due to severe depression and writing about being suicidal to a person in authority, who then contacted the local police. They released me. I wasn't actually going to hurt myself, but I was thinking a lot about death and I still do, but not as much on these meds. I've come close to the edge many times and as traumatic as the coerced hospital visit was, at least it woke me up out of believing I could handle these extreme moods on my own. My therapist (new, only 4 weeks now...the first one I tried was totally unhelpful, only wanted the insurance money and I almost totally gave up but the depression was not improving) said that whether I have bipolar or not it doesn't affect our sessions and my treatment.

So my question is, does that make sense to you? And how can I tell my friends and family about my condition if my therapist doesn't seem to think it's a big deal? Should I keep it from them? They probably just think I'm a pessimist. But I'm still not doing very well. This whole discovery process was shocking to me. I was not wanting it to be true and in denial for months, now I get it and I don't think I'll be supported if I do tell people. They'll probably just dismiss the diagnonsis since I've been so good at controlling my external appearance in my adult life even when I'm feel dead inside and they think the hyper creative person is the real me, not just half of me. I've always taken full responsibility for my actions and I'd rather not have this diagnosis. It feels like if I don't talk about it, I'll be isolated without a support system, but if I do, people will think I'm blaming my depression on a disease I can't control. But I'm doing my very best to get it under control with meds and therapy now that I know what's going on somewhat. 29, F

[thinker22]

Crap, we just identified 2 manic (not hypomanic, but actual manic) episodes in my past during therapy today. One was drug induced by Paxil and the other was not on any drugs. So now I'm bipolar I. This s&%t is scary. I hate feeling out of control! The impulsive stuff is so unlike me because I'm so cautious, introverted, and rational most of the time, but the first episode was at 20 and the second at 23 and I might have just been through one last winter...who knows how many I've gone through without seeing them as such.

And now I have to go and face my family who totally doesn't get me for a week and Effexor's making me agitated and shaky. I can hardly type. I just hope I can make it through the plane rides, although their problems are worse than mine if that were possible.

[Amazonmom]

Doesn't it feel like the world has stopped when you hear "bipolar"?

I had multiple depressions starting at age 17. I think I had my first hypomania at 21, but there could have been some earlier. I don't think it was full on mania, people who hadn't known me before thought I was a normal person. The mental health counselor at the university also thought I was normal and sent me on my way. HA! I ended up with a dysphoric hypomania that was horrible. (Ask me about that some other time)

Did your meds person put you on a mood stabilizer? Lithium, Lamictal, depakote, etc? Mood stabilizers are the only things helping me without causing hypomania. (ask me about the Zoloft incident of 2009 sometime). If not I would ask your meds person why not?

I wish you luck with your family. Just tell yourself, "they are crazier than me....".

[thinker22]

No, I'm not yet on a mood stabilizer. The last time I saw the meds person (different than my therapist) we were still exploring the issue of bipolar but I couldn't point to any manic episodes. Just some hypomania moments of creativity and insomnia. Now the manic episodes have been uncovered in therapy, but I don't see the meds person for another 2 weeks. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin on Effexor. I take Wellbutrin and Effexor in the am for energy and Seroquel at night so I can sleep.

Thanks for your thoughts as a veteran as it were. I imagined bipolar people to be like...I don't know, but not like me. Now I feel bad for having such a distorted view of them...of us. They're just normal people with chemistry issues just trying to lead a normal life. I feel like such an a--hole because I saw one bipolar person once who was a meth addict, didn't even really know him and my entire view was extrapolated from him. Boy was I wrong. I'm a writer (novelist, short stories, and poetry), a painter, a sculpter, and I do computer work to pay the bills. I knew creative people were emotional, but I'm totally surprised by this.

[BNLsMOM]

I am having a manic episode right now and it is the first one I am actually aware of having, althought my history suggests I have had several at least hypomanic ones.

If I go any higher, I will be calling my T and my P doc, but I am trying to hold out till I see my T on Saturday.

[thinker22]

I think Effexor may be tripping me into a manic or mixed episode. I feel very squirmy and bouncy, but not happy, kind of listless and dazed although I'm laughing at stupid things on TV that I normally wouldn't find that funny. Here we go again on the medication merry-go-round. It's more of a mirthless joy...I think I got that phrase from Shakespeare or some literary giant. I'm dizzy too.

[Amazonmom]

Seroquel actually is being used as a mood stabilizing drug. You probably would need a higher dose for mood stabilizing than for say, sleep issues.

Call your meds person and tell them the diagnosis, and what is happening to you now.

I am a bipolar veteran of a whole 3 months. My only experience with bipolar before my diagnosis was during my psych clinical rotation in nursing school. The man had a long history of treatment resistant psychotic mania with homicidal ideation. He thought I was Satan and needed to have my neck snapped with a chair. The chair was bolted to the ground though... So you can see where I freaked out when I got my diagnosis.

I never thought I could be bipolar either...I have two college degrees, one from an Ivy League school, another from a top nursing school. I have a reputation for being the rock people can lean on. I am generally responsible, I handle the family finances, and I have always gotten great performance evaluations at my work.

[thinker22]

Thanks for your thoughts. I'll call my meds person, yeah. I have to fly today and along with insomnia, Effexor makes me agitated and shaky and I already hate to fly.

That's totally me! I'm the responsible one in my family. Everyone comes to me with their problems. I've been everyone's counselor since I was a child. I do great in college, never earned less than an A and my job loves me. I've only ever missed 1 sick day that I didn't make up later in the week and 1/2 day due to insomnia. Like I said, I and other people probably have such a distorted view of what bipolar is and that it affects otherwise normal, healthy, responsible people, that it may be worse to tell my family and friends about it than to just deal with it on my own with my meds person and therapist.

[Berries]

Welcome to PC!!

It sounds like you want to tell your family so you can have their support. But it sounds like they might not be able to be supportive.

There are other ways of getting support though. Of course your T and meds. But there are free support groups thru NAME and of course you can get tons of support here at psych central. I have. I feel very supported here.

Did you call your pdoc (meds provider)? If the effexor is giving you such bad side-effects he/she needs to know right away.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
Good luck on your trip!

[Amazonmom]

You only have to tell someone if you want to. If they will be likely to help and support you. You are under no obligation to tell your family unless you feel like it. God knows I am not telling my family!

I will never tell my work either. No way. I did tell one coworker but that's because she is my good buddy and she is bipolar too.

I have told my hubby, two friends, and my postpartum mood disorder support group.

You will decide who to tell with time and some therapy

[thinker22]

I'm at my family's house now. My brother lives here too. They're all under a lot of stress. Maybe it's the Effexor, but my communication has always been bad with people I'm closest with, but I feel more focused on the med, even though the extreme energy and squirminess is like hypomania, and I was able to tell my mom about my diagnosis. She was extremely supportive and totally surprised me. She admits that she may have a mood disorder too, but it never got diagnosed. My brother's been sleeping all the time and not going to work but when he saw how much energy I had compared to the last time I was here and I told him I was on meds he said he needed to get on some too...to see a psychiatrist and all. So things are working out better than I ever expected. My mom says "You're the same person I've always known, label or no. So long as you're getting the help you need." I guess part of my fears about my family are related to my mood disorder. I have a tough time trusting people. But in mania I seem to trust too easily. I called and emailed my meds person about the hyperness and maybe need to cut back, but she's not returned my call or email after 24 hours. I guess better to be up than down for a change.

[Amazonmom]

I'm so glad your family is being so supportive! Way to go Mom!!!

[thinker22]

Yeah, my mom's cool. I never saw her that way before now. I've been so negative most of my life that I sort of put her in the enemy camp but she is on my side after all. There are gray areas, not just black and white and even though she did some things wrong in raising me, she did the best that she could with the knowledge she had and neither of us knew what was going on in my head for 29 years! Thanks to everyone for their support. This went so well, I'm half tempted to "come out of the closet" about my diagnosis with other friends, but I know it's best only to talk to those I'm closest with as I might alienate people who don't understand bipolar doesn't mean I'll show up one day and smash out their windows or something. haha

[DivideByZero]

This story sounds very close to mine. Thanks, it is nice to feel less alone.

[dearyou]

Oh, Lamictal = Awesome...mixed state brought on by zoloft = banned from chat and possibly this site...hehe. I'm testing my posting capabilities here, just saying, don't let yourself to "too bipolar" the mods and the non-bipolars don't like it. Oh and a word of advice, don't take your doctor's word as gold...look up the medications, make informed choices and if you hate a medication, STOP TAKING IT even if it is against the doctors advice, okay, okay, depending on what it is, just not taking it one day might be a bad idea, so check with your doctor/pharmacist about what might just happen to you, but as for SSRIs, you're better off with "brain zaps"...be careful.

[thinker22]

I'm not sure what you meant in the first half of that last post. I've never been on Lamictal or Zoloft, so I don't know how they would affect me, but so far I've had no luck on SSRIs, so Zoloft probably wouldn't help me either. I'm even skeptical about this SSNRI (Effexor) and yes I've looked all my meds up. I feel hyper sometimes on it and sad today like it's not working at all. My mood has been sucking for the past 8 hours. I took all the same meds. Not sure what is up. Nothing super bad happened. I'm worried about my brother, but what's new. Still no word from the meds person and I don't see her until Friday. Stupid summer schedule. I'm trying to tell myself that this feeling will pass, but it's like shrinking into nothing sadness.

[Berries]

(((((((((((thinker)))))))))))

Congrats on telling your mom and being accepted and supported unconditionally. That is a good feeling.

Hang in there! Meds or no meds you are still bipolar and meds don't take care of it all. But are very important, because they do help. It just takes a lot of trial and error to find the ones that work for you. Maybe effecor just isn't the pill for you.

I hope your meds provider calls soon.

Be gentle with yourself and do some self-soothing things--like a bubble bath or a walk in the park.

I'm glad your brother is going to start taking care of his MI. That must be a huge load of your shoulders.

Take Care

[thinker22]

Hi Berries, thanks for the message. I don't think my meds person is checking her messages. She's on vacation, I think. My family met together today with a local therapist to talk about my brother and how we can help him and the therapist thinks he has one or more of the B cluster personality disorders (narcissist, borderline, or anti-social) and that being as old as he is it would be hard to treat without inpatient intensive care, especially since he's good at charming and lying to people's faces about his real problems/feelings. He has multiple diagnoses with drug and alcohol abuse, so he needs to get cleaned up first before they can prescribe him medication he won't misuse. Problem is, he barely would probably show up for therapy and any thing resembling taking away his freedom and he bolts. So the only way to get him treated is if he winds up in the hospital somehow. Prognosis not good. Kind of overwhelming. I wish I could feel better, but I worry more about him winding up dead one of these days with how reckless his behavior is. He's on a binge and crash about once every week or two. He's been asleep for almost 24 hours now since returning to the house. I wish he could understand how much we love him and how he's destroying his life and it hurts everyone, not the least of which is him. But he's very ill with his mental disorders and addictions.

[Berries]

(((((((((((thinker)))))))))))

As much as you love him and want to see him safe and well, remember that he is not your responsibility. Self care is very important, the most important and I believe your first priority.
But I know it is not that easy.

Hang in there!!! Keep posting!!!

[thinker22]

Thanks again Berries. I'm not sure how to help him, no, but I do know I'm still not totally balanced and need to work on that first. Good advice. It's like, I just don't want to feel so down for no apparent reason, ya know? My brain is great at acing tests and memorizing info if I force it to, but sometimes it lashes out at me because of all the discipline I impose on it, when it's actually highly artistic and wants to paint, write, sculpt, etc. I feel like not only are my chemicals at war with me, also my left brain and right brain are duking it out for dominance.

[thinker22]

So my meds person did get back to me, left a message on Tues. She told me to up my SQ dose at night, so now I'm up to 75mg. I know she wanted to up it more over the summer anyhow to help stabilize my mood. But I'm back to getting about 8 hrs of sleep with maybe only one wake-up per night. Does anyone else sweat on Seroquel in the middle of the night? Still taking the same dose of Effexor and Wellbutrin. I felt really depressed last night, and am sort of low today, but nothing extreme.

My bro was missing for 36 hours, then slept for 36 hours and then hung out w/me like nothing happened at all. I guess that's his pattern though. He likes to play video games, so I played some with him. My family history is a mess genetic-wise. It's a wonder I'm functional at all. (Alcoholism, drug abuse, personality disorders, bipolar, other mood disorders, OCD, anxiety, Alzheimer's, fibromyalgia, Parkinson's, and even rare physical diseases that cause heart problems, weakness, and death). I guess that I got diagnosed w/my disorder prior to 30 and am getting the proper treatment is really the best of all possible worlds considering all that I'm up against. We shall survive one way or another.

[Berries]

(((((((((((thinker)))))))))))

How are you doing now?

[thinker22]

Originally Posted by Berries

(((((((((((thinker)))))))))))

How are you doing now?

Still depressed. P-doc is ordering me Lamictal. Thanks for asking. Going to a concert. Hope I don't bring anyone down.

[thinker22]

So I've been severely depressed the past 2 days and having ideation/strange thoughts. My P-doc told me how to gradually take myself off of Effexor. I feel shaky and listless. Going to go back to bed after I finish this. Hard to concentrate. I was able to get an appt w/her for tomorrow. Not sure what meds I'll get next. See the T on thurs. Will this ever end? I'm so sad, tired, dysphoric. I can stare at a screen or the wall, that's about it.

[Amazonmom]

Lamictal really is good with bipolar, especially the depression side. I would give it a shot. Things that should have sent me straight to severe depression just made me sad instead.

(((((((((((Thinker22))))))))))

I hope things get better for you soon.